My 22 yr. old daughter, who has a past record of laziness, quit college- couldn't find a job to pay her bills, SO my husband got her a desk job at his employer's company-Mon. through Fri. 40 hr/week . She has never had a steady job without flexibility. She has worked there so far, 3 months. She calls out sick or with other excuses at least weekly, One week- "someone broke into her apt." another-"pink eye", another she called me from her job stating she "had a fever and felt faint", another leaving work early for her therapist, and she has been late- due to "someone rear ended her-but no damage was done to car". It seems like its every week there is something- I don't believe her anymore and I feel she is a habitual lier... She can't believe her own Mom would feel this way. She states, "this is something I can't control"-"why do you not believe me!?" She is on the border of getting fired due to this habitual behavior- but she tells me she has sick time and vacation time that she uses-So "what's the big deal?". I lecture her on work ethics etc. with her responding with this is not my fault!

Well, her employer isn't going to put up with it.

She'll get fired and hopefully learn her lesson.

I'm not sure what you can do about it, character is character. Only the individual can change.

She doesn't live at home with you, does she?

I would tell her that if she has any respect for you or her father who got her the job she will report to work everyday and be thankful she even has a job. Does she even care how this is making her father look at his place of employment? He put his butt out on the line for her so now it's time to pull her own weight. Save the partying for weekends, friends will still be around then I promise. Tell her to get her butt in gear and start going to bed early and giving herself enough time in the morning to make it on time to work or even earlier. If she doesn't get her stuff straight then she isn't going to even have a means of paying for her own apartment and then she'll have to move back in with you guys. If she is as irresponsible as she sounds maybe she needs to move home for awhile to learn self control. I'm only 27 but it seems like she is headed down the wrong path and not thinking of consequences.

No, she was living with us last year. She moved out and I had to co-sign for her to rent an apartment-so far the rent has never been late-Thank God!

Thanks for your answer. She was living with us for a year and waitressed at a local restaurant. She did not want to live under our rules. So she moved out only to find she needed me to co-sign for her apt.- which I did.

Thanks. That's what I'm afraid of-if she gets fired, she won't be able to pay her bills, including her rent (which I co-signed). This is what happened 3 months ago, luckily my husband was able to get her this job!

How much longer is her lease for? I would not co-sign again for her. If I was her my dad would tell me to straighten my act up and not do a damn thing to help me.

She needs to learn to grow up and be responsible. Maybe being kicked out of her apartment would do the trick.

Sadly there don't seem to be any consequences for her actions. She loses a job, daddy gets her one. She needs an apartment, mommy co-signs. It's time for her to stand on her own two feet and if she fails, well, hopefully that will teach her something.

I agree... I would not co-sign again for her and be sure she is well aware that it won't be happening. The reality of losing her job, and possibly her apartment, may be what hits home for her.

Every generation tries to help their kids avoid the tough lessons, but kids often need to learn some of those things on their own. Sometimes it takes a few hard knocks to realize mom and dad really did know what they were talking about!

Yes, I agree! Her lease is up in February 2011, It will be hard for me but that is exactly what I plan to do! Tough Love is what she needs to straighten up... can only hope.. Thank you for your helpful response!

You have put yourself in a position, with co-signing her lease, that whether you want to or not, it will likely become your debt. I'm wondering why you did it in the first place, with your daughter having a history, such as it is.

With her father finding her a 40 hour a week job, he has put himself out there too, likely feeling responsible for her errant behaviour and her lack of work ethic. Had he not been a respected employee himself, I doubt that she would have got the job on her own merit. I don't know that I would have put my own reputation on the line, for a child of mine, who, again, having a history, such as it is.

As hard as it is, you have to let her grow up, by not bailing her out. I'm not talking about a bag of groceries when she truly missed a few days' pay because she had the flu.

By providing her with a cushion to continuously fall back on when she can't keep a job, or put a roof over her own head, or develop what she needs to, in order to become a responsible adult, you are preventing her from becoming an adult.

As hard as it is, if she loses her job, so be it. A lesson to be learned that you have no control over. If she needs welfare assistance to eat, and put a roof over her head, so be it. She will quickly learn that working and providing for herself is a better alternative. If she keeps the cycle of laziness as you described it, going, by continuously having an ear to bend, and a wallet nearby to bail her out, she will choose that route.

What makes this all the harder is that because you can help her, you do. It is heartbreaking to see your own child in a position where they need help, and to say 'no'. But in order for her to live an independent life, she has to become independent, and you might consider that you are contributing to her not reaching her potential, by not allowing her to do that.

Encouragement, of course. Guidance, absolutely. Love, unconditionally. But the biggest gift you can give to your daughter is to believe in her. Believe that she has potential, and talent, and all that she needs to be a successful, responsible adult.

You have brought her to the brink of adulthood, and I'm sure you and your husband were excellent parents, no doubt about it. But it is now time, to change your role in her life, and let her learn how to live her own.

All the best of luck to you.

Thank you Jake for your very well put advice. An update, she moved to another apartment and I did not have to co-sign on this new one. She is still skating on thin ice at her job but luckily they haven't fired her. I am leaving her to her own means!

Thank you. As of today, she has become more responsible and so far, holding on to this job. She got a new apt. on her own and I am sitting back and letting her learn life without my financial help! She still calls me at times for $ with no response!

Yes I agree. Being a mom can truly be tested when you see your own going down the wrong path but yes she is learning and I hope she'll get it with no more financial help from us! Thank you!

Just offering another side here...

I was like this several years ago. But I really was sick. At least once a week, I would be throwing up, or having diarrhea, or horrible vertigo episodes prevending me from even standing. Severe fatigue and lethargy and headaches.

Turns out I had a thyroid issue that was causing all of this. I was put on a hormonal suppliment and it all went away. I wake up feeling GREAT, no fatigue, no illness, no more headaches or vertigo.


I would suggest, before jumping to the conclusion that she is lying, suggset to her that she see a doctor.

Thank you Jennie for your advice post. I did tell her to go to the doctor's -because of her excessive illnesses and she did. They did a thorough physical with no problems-thank God. She just seems to have a low immunity & gets sick easily. Unfortunately, if it continues she will lose her job. I think she has to take better care of herself-like first off- quit smoking! Less going out and getting to bed early, eating better etc. Thanks again for your post.

Well while I am glad that she is not seriously ill, I am sorry you are dealing with a perfectly healthy girl behaving this way.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

well while i am glad that she is not seriously ill, i am sorry you are dealing with a perfectly healthy girl behaving this way.

---

Thank you. I can only hope and pray that she grows up and becomes a great person dependent only on herself!