Hi, I really like a girl that has been working with me on the same team for like 2 1/2yrs. We're both early 20's. She just got out of a relationship a couple of weeks ago ( very bad one, threatening, hitting her, even put a knife to her throath once... ). We went out before she met him just once no sex just kissing 2 1/2 yrs ago. Now she's out of the relationship and we're seeing each other again, just this time it's more intimate. We have a laugh together, we enjoy the time we spend. I slept at her's once and she did about 3 times over 3 weeks. She said she loves me and so did I as we've always been close. She told her friends that she has feelings for me and even talked about me couple of times saying how sweet I am and stuff. I started with being a bit too nice in fact she said it once and from then I kept it a bit cool and mysterious so I don't scare her off ( as they usually do being the fact that I treat girls nicely ). Last time she needed to go to hospital and without even saying, I left work and picked her up from her house, helped her down the stairs and took her to hospital. Stayed with her till she got out and that night we went out and she told me " I know realise what a heart of gold you have. Nobody ever done that and most probably other guys wouldn't even cross their mind to do it. Problem is this..... She did say that she wants to find herself for now as she's just gone out of a relationship which she jumped in right after the one before it ( 4yrs long ). When she was drunk at this party last Sat, she also said that im a very nice guy and that's why it never worked with other girls and that i should be more of a player with future relationships if this doesn't work. I can see that she cares for me and has got feelings but I don't want to jump into **** and scare her off cause I've got this feeling that SHE IS THE GIRL I WANT. We also planned to go to my nephew's christening together in March in UK so that's some plans ahead already. I apologise for this being long but you don't even know how much it means to me. How can I keep her "there" till maybe she decides that she does want a relationship as probably im the guy that she always deserved. Everybody keeps on telling her " You deserve better " and she kind of tells it to me all the time.. is that a hint ? Please help cause I really don't want to loose her. Peace

I think you sound like a very lovely person. It must be agonising for you to have to wait around when you care so much about this girl. Maybe she's just waiting for you to make your move? I know you are trying to avoid scaring her away but too much mystery sometimes can be confusing. At the same time though, as she has said, she wants to find herself and doesn't want to jump right into a new relationship, which is of course, is understandable, although very difficult for you. I guess you just have to make the decision of whether waiting for her to be ready, and staying "just friends" is going to be too difficult for you. It does sound like she has feelings for you but isn't ready to explore them just yet. It is great you are offering her this support. Hang in there and hopefully with time she will come around. Don't wait around forever though... life's too short. Good luck.

Thanks Grace. I made the decision that I'd wait and give her time. She goes out and enjoy herself and I do too because as you said yourself, life is too short. I will ask her some time not far away to see what she wants :) Again Grace, Thanks !

From reading your post and the information you gave it seems clear to me that she's not interested in a romantic relationship with you.

I think you may have a very long wait on your hands if you do decide to hang around for her.

She has had a tramatic experience and she needs time to heal and recover from that,you are being kind,and that from a man is probably new for her,but don't be a smuck either.

Nothing wrong with nice guys,in fact there the best kind,being a player just gets people hurt and confused including you.

Be who you are,women want a man who is straight up and honest not a boy who plays games.
As for the way things stand now between you and her,she has not told you directly that she's not interested,I think she has tried in a nice way,but your not listening.

Id rather wait & find out when the time is right. As u said yourself, " she has had a tramatic experience and she needs time to heal and recover from that ". I'm giving her that time, in the mean time the feelings can grow deeper and maybe contd..

... the result would be a romantic relationship that she's not looking for at this moment in time. People need time and Im ready to give that even though its hard. I learnt that good things never came easy. Maybe giving my best by going through..

.. this tought time will end in something nice. I guess If you want something hard enough, you do different things. This IS different BUT feels right :) wish me luck :) Thanks

How long are will willing to wait?

What if at the end of that wait she still does not want you,or has found someone else?

This may be different for both of you,but you don't have the same plan,she needs time and space by her own ommission,and fair enough your giving that to her,but do it away from her and do your own thing in the mean time.

Everything you have written is a recipe for a broken heart... yours.

I understand what you are trying to state redhed35 and I seriously appreciate it :) as you know well everything that involves decision making, involves risk. I asked myself the question " Am I willing to risk a broken heart if nothing happens ? "

... and I answered yes. Seriously if it works I'd be the happiest guy. If it doesn't, I'll be sad for a couple of weeks maybe months. I guess time will tell and you'd be the first to know :) AGAIN just wish me luck and advice :) Thanks !

By the way the answer to your question " how long are will willing to wait? " is.. as much as it takes. I guess there's NO time limit for love. It's only a broken heart that will end this.

"she needs time and space by her own ommission,and fair enough your giving that to her,but do it away from her and do your own thing in the mean time." That's exactly what I'm doing.

Harshness warning

1) Actions speak louder than words. If she really wanted something more serious with you, she wouldn't leave you hanging. The fact that she says that she wants to go find herself, it means that she's ready to lose you to someone else.

2) You ended up being her rebound after a horrible relationship. You were there to pick her up when she was down. It's not that you were too nice and pushed her away. It's that you were nice to her that drew her closer to you. But now reality has sunk in. She realized that she's done with her rebounding and ready to move on with her life. Thus the finding herself part. You were nice to her and you were exactly what she needed to help herself recover from the break up. You where her shoulder to cry on.

3) Even if you played your cards differently, you would eventually have to be yourself again. You can't fake it the entire time. You've been placed into the friends zone now.

4) Who knows if you will ever get out of the friends zone. Wait as long as you want because there's always a chance, but just realize that you might be holding out for something that may never happen.

I say tread lightly and carefully.
She is fresh out of a bad relationship and you are a nice rebound.
Let her have her space and you get on with your life. You two are friends and that may be all it will be.
Don't put yourself in the position to be hurt. Make the deliberate choice to step back.

Hehe appreciate the harshness ! Well actually there was another guy that was used as a rebound which she liked too but apparently she chose me over him... anyway thanks for the advice and I would never change for anybody just change some actions

Its easier said than done but as I explained to "I wish", it feels like another guy has been used for a rebound and not me. She got rid of her 'ex' completely by snoggin a mate of his that she liked hehe. She knows that I've been used as a..

.. rebound and she says herself that she'll never hurt me or use me as a rebound.

She may not purposely do it but in fact you are. Two weeks out of a relationship and she is crying on your shoulder. That is what a rebound is.
You will do as you choose I'm just saying don't set yourself up. Tread lightly. She does not seem to be feeling you as much as you are her.

I am trying to figure out why you asked for advice when all you seem to want to hear is to keep being her teddy bear to comfort her when she needs it and to sit on a shelf when she doesn't.

Here's where I get harsh:

IF you continue to sit at her heels waiting for tidbits of affection, you forfeit all rights in the future to complain that she used you.

She is doing everything in her power short of going No Contact to keep from abusing your good nature. She seems to have woken up the fact that you are a rebound. You are a crutch that she needs to put aside so that she can redevelop her ability to stand on her own two feet and walk again.

She is trying to learn to trust herself after a couple of bad relationships. I don't think you have the ability at this time to stay in her life as only a friend and watch as she dates other men. You want her to be yours not someone else's.

She sounds like a great person. However, she also sounds like she is worried about being on her own. Unlike some people, though, she seems to be attempting to deal with the feeling and move forward instead of clinging to another person as it seems she has done in the past. Respect her desire to break the cycle she has found herself in.

You sound like a nice guy. Nice guys tend to get themselves into situations over their heads and think treading water will keep them from sinking even deeper. They also tend to wave off any help that is offered. Quite frankly, you need to start swimming before you get too tired to help yourself.

No matter what happens with her, you need to take care of yourself.

To be honest, what you just said is textbook of what happened in my last "relationships" I had, that's why I backed off a little bit with her. The difference here is that we've been close friends and have a proper laugh for 2 1/2 years now..

.. we still do and there's this bond between us . I stand to be corrected here... BUT could it be, perhaps, that this might be a little bit different from the " ROUTINE " rebound that happens very often ? I wonder !

Please use the Answer box instead of the Comment Box to respond to the thread. It gives you a lot more room to say what you need to say.

If you both are caught up in your own repetitious behaviors, then you both need to break your respective cycles.

Give her time to heal on her own. Let her figure out how to move forward into a healthy relationship.

Allow yourself to back up and not play the 'knight-in-shining-armor' trying to save the 'damsel-in-distress' from herself.

A relationship between you right now would be based on need not desire or love. Her need for security. Your need to take care of her and be needed. When you both are ready to be equal partners in the relationship, the time will be right for you to try to be more than friends.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.



Exactly! Good call

I think you sound like you have a head on your shoulders :) you've heard all the potential negative consequences but you've decided the possibility for a good outcome outweighs the costs. I think it's romantic. Good for you.

Sorry about the comment thing I'm kind of new :) Thanks for the last advice Cat1864. That's what I'm going to be doing really, she needs her space and she's got it just as much as I do. She said herself that it's a good start that we've been friends for such a long time, we get along really well and we both like each other. She also says that she's crazy about me ! That's why I kept on trying to find positive things about this! Again I can't thank you enough for the advice you give me. Peace