I said it was fine as long as she was going to school.She took the summer semester off and I overheard my wife telling her to lie to me and say classes weren't available till spring meaning she intends to take the full year off.Confirmation was her saying I still need to call the school.She pays no rent and has no chores.I am at my whits end.HELP

You and your wife need to communicate about what lines should be drawn. You cannot overstep your boundaries as you are the stepfather. Although you do have a say in the matter as you are a member of the family. Before bringing your daughter into the conversation, you and your wife need to sit down and be honest with each other. Tell her you know about the lies, and that although you understand WHY she did it, you don't appreciate the fact that she cannot be honest with you. Map out for your wife what goals you want to set for the family, what you hope for you daughter as well as your relationships with both women. Compromise and negotiate what responsibilities the 22 year old should have. Considering the fact that she is old enough to be self-sufficient and live on her own, her responsibilities should be mature. Then approach the daughter together, which both parents being on the same page. Once she sees that you are a combined team, she will realize that and attempt to manipulate one will falter.

Though she is 22, more and more post-college aged young adults are moving back in with their parents as a result of the economy. And for most, this does not mean a free ticket to rent-less bliss. Most of these young adults are working long hours at jobs they are over-qualified for in an effort to contribute to the family. They are pitching in, cleaning dishes, washing windows and running errands. Though it isn't easy being under their parent's thumbs, the alternative is homelessness as there are no jobs to help them support themselves. Nobody wants that for their child. Your wife obviously wants her daughter in the house. As a result, she is enabling her daughter to be a bum. Your main issue is with your wife as she is being manipulated and then turning around and manipulating you. But this is a very solvable problem. Good luck!

The issue is that yes, your wife can give her permission to stay, and you can't do anything about it.

So you have to get wife on your side, or put up with it, or move out.

I find it curious that, you are a real father in every sense of the word. You raise your step daughter with your wife, you provide for her, buy and contribute to the roof over her head, the food on the table, the clothing on her back. You contribute most likely to decisions regading her dentist, boyfriends, school teachers, friends' parents. You set boundaries for her safety and security with (likely) curfews. You likely also provided a car for her use, paid for the insurance, and maybe even taught her to drive.

You dried her tears when she fell off her bike, consoled her over one of likely thousands of problems she had growing up. You looked out for her, sat up to the wee hours waiting for her to arrive home safely, and beamed with pride when she graduated high school.

In every sense of the word you accepted her as your daughter, and raised her as such, and continue to be very involved in all aspects of her life, up to and including the present.

So, why is it you are suddenly delegated to being not her 'real' father. Would you be regarded differently if you had adopted her? Or been her 'natural' father? Because of you being a 'step' father, you are no longer holding any responsibility, or decision making capabiliies with regard to this current siuation?

Why are you a real father in every sense of the word, except when it is inconvenient for her mother, or those of the same mindset, that you are not 'qualified' to step in with an equal say and due respect for your input, simply because you are a 'step' father?

I just don't buy that. But, it is only my opinion.

So contrary to popular belief, I think you damn well should step up. Have a serious conversation with your wife about what you have learned about the unconscionable deception going on behind your back, and the conspiracy to dupe you in order for this adult child to remain at home, living like a teenager.

In fact, I would consider having the conversation with BOTH of them. Get the talking going, and consider yourself to have a vested, parental interest, in the well being of YOUR family, which includes your 'step' daughter. Don't let this great divide (because you are not her REAL father), happen as some sort of trump card, to dismiss your concerns, and render you powerless to have equal say and direction in anything that goes on within your family.

As far as I'm concerned, each of you have an equal obligation to the other, to communicate. Good, bad, or indifferent, I disagree that you should just accept being second, silent, and unimportant in the task ahead.

I also think your wife should be ashamed of herself for setting up this deceiptful, disrespectful alliance with her daughter, to shut you out.

After you get the truth on the table, keep talking, and resolve to come to some solution, even if the general agreement is counselling, in order to help you do so effectively, in order to have due and equal respect to the decisions that need to be made.