My fiancé and I plan on getting married in October. I've always told him even before getting engaged that I wanted to hyphen my last name. He is very traditional and offended that I do not want to take his name. But I feel like I am taking his name just adding it to mine. I know other women who have hyphened their name and people end up calling them by their married last name anyway, so I don't think it's a big deal. Its important to me because last name was my Mom's maiden name and she passed away. I do not want to give her name up just because I'm getting married. I would like to somehow compromise about this but I'm not sure how. Any thoughts?

He'd hate me, I kept my own name when I got married.

Actually, there's a good safety reason for hyphenating your name. Imagine you are in an accident and taken unconscious to hospital. If the person who is enquiring about you knew you before you got married, she's most likely to give your single name, and you may be registered under your married name.

Keeping some form of your single name makes it a lot easier to ensure continuity of medical and legal documents etc.

In many countries, it is traditional to add the husband's name and hyphenate them. It's not considered any reflection on his masculinity.

However, if he is so threatened by something like this, I would think hard about the relationship.

If hyphening your last name is already such a big issue, I suspect that there are bigger issues developing in the background. Are you sure this is the only issue lingering around prior to your marriage?

As for your specific situation. I'm not sure if there's room to compromise as both of you want completely different things. Someone is going to have to give, unless you can find a way to use the hyphening half the time and not hyphened the other half of the time.

I'm curious, what exactly do you propose is a fair compromise anyway? Seems more black and white to me.

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Originally Posted by LaLuz

I would like to somehow compromise about this but I'm not sure how. Any thoughts?

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My wife used her maiden name as her middle name. If I am John Doe she became Jane MaidenName Doe.

I like the idea of adding my last name to my middle name. However my last is sort of typical and common and it might be kind of strange, but I guess no one would really know. I'm going to discuss that with him.

It is pretty black and white. But I did think about maybe adding my mom's middle name to my middle name and just dropping my last name as a compromise. Since the main reason I want to keep it is because it was hers, so this way I will still have her name even if it isn't her last name.

I think the biggest issue about it is that I am very modern and independent when its comes to things like this and even though we are the same age he can be very old fashioned in his thinking. He has a close knit family who are very proud of their last name and carrying it on to generations to come sort of thing. And while I respect that I do not think a woman should have to give up her last name when she gets married and he does.

That is a really good point, I am going to bring it up. I always thought it was so important to him because that is how he was raised, his Dad is the same way. But I will think about it deeper, thank you.

I understand about being modern and independent, my wife was a lawyer before we got married (still is of course) and had quite a portfolio of clients. I din;t care either way since I don't really care for tradition that much. Basically as far as carrying on the name that's a discussion between you and him that also belongs in the "do we want to have kids" discussion.

Ask him how he feels about taking YOUR last name instead.

If he's appalled, tell him that's how YOU feel about giving up YOUR name.

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Originally Posted by Synnen

Ask him how he feels about taking YOUR last name instead.

If he's appalled, tell him that's how YOU feel about giving up YOUR name.

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I assume you kept your name? :D

Nah... I wasn't attached to my name at all. As a matter of fact, I spent most of my single life plotting to get rid of it (it was a name that invited jokes and stupid comments).

But I know women as attached to their names as guys are to theirs--and one friend that stood her ground about it. HE took HER name in the end.

PS--I was paid back in the end about my last name--I married into a rhyming name.

At least you are talking about it! My wife told me years ago she would use any name she darned well pleased, because they are all hers now, even mine.

So we talked about it tonight. He does not like the idea of me using my last name as a middle name (I thought that was the perfect compromise) because it will show up on my identification and still look like I have two last names. He said that by not taking his last name I am disrespecting his whole family and offending his Grandfather who just passed away... major guilt trips here. He was totally appalled when I suggested using my last name instead or having us both hyphen our names, and didn't understand how I could be as appalled as he was for having to take his name. He thinks my last name is not really even my last name because it was given to me by my Mother and not my Father so it doesn't really matter if I drop it.

OH boy.

HE is not willing to compromise. You're probably going to need a mediator on this one, because he's not seeing HIS disrespect for YOUR family here.

And excuse me? Somehow your MOTHER'S name counts less than a FATHER'S name? Can you say "male chauvinist pig" here?

I'd have REAL issues with that attitude, because it's the SAME attitude that says girls are not as good as boys, and that women can't do the same things as men do--forgetting that Ginger Rogers did every single thing Fred Astaire did--only backwards, and in high heels.

And frankly, HE has no say in it. YOU choose at the time of your marriage what your name will be going forward.

And amusingly, YOU choose your children's names and their last names--not him. Not even married. So--you can take his name to make him happy, then turn around and name your children with your mother's last name--and let him know that he either works this out with you NOW, with an open mind, or that his children won't have his last name.

If he is so stubborn on this issue, what other issue is he so stubborn on, especially where the traditions, and attitudes about HIS family are concerned? Is this just a one issue thing, or are his family values so ingrained, there is no compromise on anything.

I have to admit, I tend to be a traditionalist when it comes to the wife taking the husband name in marriage. However, I really thought making your middle name into your maiden name was a GREAT compromise!! To me that was one way for both of you to give a little and still feel you hadn't given up your individual request.

If he is going to be this uncompromising stubborn now, you are going to be paddling up stream for every issue that he doesn't agree too. This is were most people get out and out tired of the fighting and always having to give in or perhaps feel they have given up their hopes,needs.

I wouldn't NOT marry this young man until you really know what you are getting yourself into. That passion,love are great in the beginning, but there better be the rest there when that passionate love starts to wear off. There better be some serious communication,compromise,integrity,honest,and most of all FRIENDSHIP. This friendship, is just like any other you might have, it is give and take, ups and downs, and still being there for each other. Make sure that is what you are going to have in your marriage!!

I'm getting married in a month (wow, less than a month!) and plan to take his name. For me it wasn't an issue, but I completely understand your concerns. I lost my Dad to cancer seven years ago and feel a very sentimental sadness when I think of giving up his name.

I really think that in this case, the name change isn't the issue. When you're planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, you have to consider that you're blending two cultures into a different, new culture. Compromise will be necessary for the effective culture blend.

That being said, him not willing to compromise with you on this issue is a huge flag about his willingness to compromise on the rest of the issues that come up. Honestly, having a hyphenated name or a new middle name isn't really that big of a deal... talk about timing with kids, taking new jobs, buying houses and cars, those seem big to me.

What happens down the line if you want kids NOW and he doesn't? Or, vice versa? If he wants you to pop the kids out and you are quite happy just going through it once? Who is going to compromise then? You got an awesome job offer to be Julia Robert's personal secretary, but you have to move to Hollywood... is he going to give up his life/job/etc and move? Or, he gets a chance to go build Bill Gates new mansion, are you going to give up your life/job/etc to go with him?

Talk to him. Tell him this concern. Tell him you're clueless as to why it's a big deal for him. And don't let him leave the table until you figure out the root issue. If it is pride, then you have to be aware of that.

I see no peaceful rectification of this situation unless you truly communicate. You'll be bitter if you give in without communication, and he'll feel angry that he had to give in.

Communicate.