HI
I am medical student in a loving long distant relationship with the most wonderful man.
But a few weeks ago I slept with a friend and after careful consideration we both decided we want it to be an open relationship.
I had no problem with this arrangement,in fact I was enjoying it because he was just so wonderful to me,we did it all,took long walks,gazed into each others eyes,all the things that people do in a relationship.

Unfortunately I fell in love with him,I am still in love with him.

However a week ago he started to become very distant he didn't call,he tells me he's busy when I come over.

Last night we all went out as friends,and he was with some other woman,in a nutshell they were all over each other,I saw them leaving together,I got so jealous that I felt like stabbing her eyes out,but I just sat there the entire night,I basically froze.
I don't know what to do anymore and I feel so stupid because I thought I could handle being a cheater and now it has all come back to bite me,I have to c this guy everyday in class.and that just makes it so much harder.

You agreed to an open relationship. If you can't deal with it then, get out of it. Move on.

Now you know you are not an open relationship type of person.

But how do you walk away!! I have bn trying I cant... I have to c this guy each and everyday,I mean he lives upstairs for goodness sake..

You cheated and decided that you wanted to be in an open relationship.

You and he should not be with others around each other. That was a mistake on both of your parts to let that happen.

You either deal with it or leave.

Leaving is hard but if you can't handle it, do yourself a favor and leave--save yourself the drama.

Okay so living so close to him, and being in class everyday with him, makes things a lot harder, but it doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with him ever again. Sure it will hurt, but if removing yourself from the situation is not an option, then you deal with it by having a life you love that keeps you happy and busy. It may take longer than normal to get over those feelings, and be a lot more work on your part, but it has to be done.

Its called dealing with what life has thrown at you in a mature way, and you can overcome this obstacle one day at a time.

So, if I read this right, you are in love with two men at the same time. The first fellow, has no idea you have fallen in love with another man, and you agreed to an open relationship with #2. So, I take it your 'other' boyfriend, the one previously in a committed relationship with you, is not aware that he is now also in an open relationship. Would he approve of you having an affair on him? I hear nowhere that you feel that you have cheated on him, or betrayed him, or that you have been lying to him, and you don't know what, or how, to tell him what you've been up to. I guess you'd rather keep the 'open relationship guy' a 'secret open relationship guy'.

Is an 'open relationship' okay if your real boyfriend doesn't know about it?

You need to give your head a shake here, and realize that you willingly agreed to the rules of the game with the 'open relationship' guy. You were not unconscious, or otherwise impaired, or unable to make a decision. You went for it. You can't change, complain, or cry the blues, just because you couldn't handle it. But what I find curious, is that you cannot identify that your reaction is not appropriate to the consequences of being in such a relationship in the first place. Not to mention that you can so coldly toss your boyfriend, the not in the loop one, out the window without so much as a though to that consequence. And to note, you yourself said you 'carefully considered' the open relationship.

You have no business being jealous when he is with another woman. He has not deceived you, lied to you, kept anything from you. He likes open relationships, and that means no strings, casual sex, no emotions, no 'real' relationship. I don't know what you're complaining about. You had both an open relationship, and at the same time another relationship with, as you said, 'a wonderful man'.

My advice to you is get a grip here, and realize you are not entitled to any more respect than you have already received. Your real boyfriend, on the other hand, deserves at least honesty, and a choice whether to remain in a relationship with you. I hope you give him the same opportunity to make a decision as to whether he wants to be in a relationship with you, as you took for yourself, when you decided to cheat on him with another man.

The 'wonderful guy' that you are in a 'loving relationship' with, deserves at least that much.

Of course my boyfriend woould not approve of my being in an open rltionshp,It would crush him and I would rathr kp it frm hm,the 2nd guy is both a friend to my boyfrnd and I,I know it sounds like I'm this horrible cheater, and honetly don't ask me how I slp at night knowing that I'm willingly hurting such a wonderful man.I worry about it everyday.
Its nt as if I just woke up one mornin and decidd to fall in love with my frind.I am in a diffrnt continent studying away from home,I missd everyone,my parents my boyfrnd and he was going through the same thing,so we bonded and 1 thing led to the other.Its hard because I hve no idea when I'm gnna go home next and c my byfrnd... I honestly don't know how this scenario is going to end,but I'm hoping that when I finish med skul,everythin will go back to normal
As for the open rltionshp,I did the mature thing and I taackled the matter head on... we talked and I told him that though he and I r in an "undefined relationshp" as he put it,I would appreciate it if he applied discretion for my sake since ,if at all he is seeing other women,but according to him,she was coming on to him and he wasn't interstd.
Whether he slpt with her or not,for me it was a wake up call not to get attchd to this guy and focus on my good rltnshp...

This guy is out for no more then notches for his bed post. When anyone approaches you with an "Open Relationship" phrase, all they are saying is " I want to get you into bed, but want an excuse to not get serious at all". Being a one night stand for someone is hard on the ego, but you live and learn. Hopefully you won't believe any of the excuses he gives you in the future to continue being nothing more to him but a bootie call.

Now, to your boyfriend that you cheated on. If you seriously think that you have gotten by with this then your wrong. Even if he never finds out, it doesn't matter. All the lying, cheating you will have to answer for eventually. Karma always comes back when we least expect it, and the truth will come out.

First, no chat speak, it's against the rules of this site. You're a med student, you can type in complete words.

Second, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You cheated, and now you're upset because you feel you're being cheated on. The only one in this whole equation that I feel bad for is the boyfriend that thinks he has a faithful girlfriend and doesn't have a clue about what's going on.

Do yourself a favor, break up with both guys and be single for a while. If you want to sleep around then at lest do it without any commitments to anyone.

I'm glad that you are now being considerate of your boyfriend. And now that you've changed the 'open relationship' to an 'undefined relationship' doesn't change the fact that whatever you want to call it, it is what it is.

You say that only because your 'open/undefined relationship guy' slept with, or maybe didn't sleep with another woman, was a wakeup call for you. That somehow you realize that he said what he was going to do, that you agreed to- and that was, have open relationships. That means many women, of which you were only one. Your first post mentioned that you had fallen in love with him, and you described yourself as being so jealous of this other woman he was with that you wanted to scratch her eyes out.

It is only because guy #2 rejected you, that you now have this wakeup call that boyfriend #1 is your one and only? Please disregard any and all excuses for what you justify your behaviour with- i.e. being away from home, being lonely, etc. etc. They don't wash- ever- in explaining or justifying, cheating.

I know I'm being hard on you, and maybe nobody has ever been straight with you in this manner before. But, there is a purpose for being blunt, and this is what it is, and why.

You made a mistake. You're human. Just like the rest of us who judge your actions and decisions; many of us have done the same thing during our lives, with one or more partners along the way. Or at least come close enough to cheating, that we understand how it can happen.

It will not, however, go away. You cannot count on anyone other than yourself, to speak the truth. Boyfriend #2 has nothing to gain or lose by telling your boyfriend what did or didn't happen. If he were a friend to your boyfriend, it wouldn't have happened in the first place, because a true and good man, doesn't sleep with his friends' girl. To trust that he will be protecting your secret, isn't likely.

Your friends, including the mutual friends you and your boyfriend have together, may not have walked into the bedroom and saw you in bed with #2, but, clearly your reactions when he was with another woman, did not go unnoticed. They also know. So add that to the building list of people you have to worry about who may or may not slip him a note in class, or PM him, or send an anonymous text. If not today, maybe three months down the road. You cannot, in other words, hide from the truth, in order not to own up to it.

My advice to you, is to have a heart to heart with your boyfriend. Spill ALL of the beans, and if you are truly remorseful for what you have done (to him), he may accept what you say as being truthful and honest. Resolve to never do such a dumb (and risk taking) behaviour, again. The other possible consequence of course, is that he will not wish to forgive you, or cannot forgive you. That is a consequence, and is squarely on your shoulders, and yours alone. No excuses. Should the relationship end, there is nothing you can do about it, except to carry your resolve to the next relationship, not to cheat- ever.

To not be completely honest with your boyfriend, in my opinion, is to carry on the cheating. Do you really want that monkey on your back for the next six months, 12 years, 2 kids and a mortgage, later? It won't be over, again just my opinion here, until ALL of it is over, and that is being honest enough and mature enough to own up to what you have done, and to be prepared for the consequences. Which are up to your boyfried. You cannot design, hide, alter, or change consequences. You can only own up to the cold hard truth.

The plusses are- if your boyfriend forgives you, you will know you have a very good man there. You will also have a clear conscience. You will also have learned a very hard lesson while you are young, and adjusted your life accordingly- with a clean slate, so that you won't do the same thing again in the future.

It may take time, and it may be hard for you to do, which is to be honest with your boyfriend. But, I can guarantee you, it will be far easier than living a lie, and wondering if tomorrow is the day that somebody, somewhere, isn't going to spill the beans about the affair, and you will be seen in a far different light, and it will be far harder to work through, and save the relationship if that happens.

Either way, its up to you how to end this, once and for all.