Hi All,

I am a woman of 28, working as software engineer.From my childhood I was given whatever I want by my parents.Now that I have decided to marry the person I love, I conveyed the same to my parents.They weren't against me, but being a typical traditional Indian family, they never expected me to love a some person who does not belong to our caste.But I thought it's a normal way for my parents to react.I was a bit emotional during that stage and shared this to one of my uncle.He was like a BBC and broad casted the news to all my relatives and they started treating me and my parents bad, commenting as they like. I was not able to take any step even if I want to , it turned out to be bad. I have given myself time. As the days went on the stress increased not only at home but also in office.I worked for almost 12 hours and slept for hardly 4 hours.I was depressed that I was not able to manage things.My parents were are also very depressed, each thing I talk is going wrong. I love my parents a lot. They are in a very depressed state. I am not happy with myself. I just feel death is the only solution and happiness seems very far. Please help me... I am feeling terrible.

I am only 22, I may not understand exactly what you are going through but I guess the only advice that I can give is this...
Negative bad things that's happening to you are only trials, it won't be there forever, eventually people will forget it and they will move on, and you should too, death is just a bad shortcut, it won't do you or your family any good, imagine how devastated your family would be if you do something bad to yourself, they will feel worst trust me, you must face it together as a family, don't bail on them, hmmm and maybe just do something else, stop thinking about it, I also have a huge family here and I think I understand the family gossip part, I hate it when that happens, so I just stay away from them, but not completely :)

With this dividing line between 'love marriage' and 'arranged marriage', regardless of your Uncle spilling the beans, I suspect that much of what you have experienced with your decision could have been, or should have been expected.

If your parents are okay about your decision, and you having made up your mind on who to marry, is the marriage still going ahead?

And why are the marriage and related family problems affecting your work. Is it just coincidence that you are having to put in 12 hour days with little sleep, or was this just one time, or is it continuous that you are under this much stress at work, or are you working more to avoid the affect that others are having on you.

I don't know how much time has passed since you decided to marry the man of your choosing. If it is fairly recent, perhaps this storm will pass in time? Is your intended helping you through this tough period, and how are his parents reacting to the upcoming wedding.

Maybe when the dust settles, and everybody gets to know your fiancé better, the bitterness from relatives, will ease up and stop. Will this happen, or has it caused a permanent rift that will never heal. And if that is the case, are you having second thoughts about marrying him now? Did you expect them to all react in such an extreme way?

If you can think through, and tackle one issue at a time, I think you will feel better about everything. First accept that your parents may be disappointed that your fiancé is not the same caste, but they will adjust. Although different from your circumstances, I married a Catholic man, and his entire circle of friends and family hated me because I was not Catholic. But, they all eventually accepted me, but it took time. I think your parents will accept your fiancé eventually as well, especially with the thought of children (grandchildren) in the future.

Accept that you have no control over what others think, say, and do. They are passing judgment upon you, and thus your family as well. You cannot undue or change that. They will accept him, or they won't. The only person that matters here is you and your intended; their influence will eventually fade, but they too think for whatever reason, that it is okay (and maybe expected) that they have such privilege in expressing their feelings over your decision. Accept that they will talk, and there is nothing you can do about it, and it will pass. I suspect that had this happened 100 years in the past, or 100 years in the future, their reactions would have been the same.

If you need time away from work, take it. If you have vacation time, or sick leave benefits, why not take a week or even a few days away from all the pressure you are feeling, to regain your footing, and your confidence. A little rest and reflection may go a long way in confirming your commitment to your fiancé, and, give you strength to cope with the job, and your relatives.

It sounds to me that you have been thrown into a tornado of events and emotions that have overwhelmed you. I urge you to invest some time in yourself, away from this storm, and see if you can't come back with a new resolve.

I realize that I am mostly ignorant of your culture, however, we get many questions here from people just like you, wondering if or how to marry a man that is not one that was picked through an arranged marriage, or is not suitable because of his caste. I often wonder which choice many of the posters chose, and if the pressures of not choosing the one they love to marry, eventually won out to an arranged marriage after all. I think it is safe to say that those that did choose to marry for love, outside the expected restrictions, some of them must have succeeded and thrived.

One step at a time, try to focus on you, and your fiancé, and less on what anybody else thinks. Work on gaining a realistic perspective of what is likely to come a few months from now, six months from now. It will not be the same situation in the future, as it is now.

I don't want to add my ignorance to the mix, and not offer any suggestions that are helpful, but, I hope that considering other perspectives may help you put your own situation in a little more focus.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Jake2008 again

Focusing on your fiancé and leaving what others say alone is the way to go, as you can't control what others say and do any way.