Recently I went out to a concert with a g/f while my boyfriend took his daughter to the airport. Instead of coming home he went to see a female friend (that I don't know or meet). I sent him a text to see where he was since he should have returned home by then. I got no reply, so I called him and that is when he told me where he was, who he was with & the reason he was there. I got extremely angry that he did not offer up the information prior to going. The concert got rained out so we went home. 2 hours after my first call I texted him (said some ugly things) his response was "aren't you supposed to be at a concert?" I told him (in my rant) that he needed to come home. I followed up the text an hour later to see where he was and he was still there (this was 9 pm) he didn't come home till 10:30. He said he was pissed at me because I blew the whole thing out of proportion and he was doing nothing wrong & since I was out for the evening thought he would go and help out his friend with a problem she was having and noted that at least he answered the phone and told me where he was. I look back at my actions and YES, I went overboard, but my point was to at least be respectful enough to let me know where he was & most importantly who he was with. He stated that if it were a male friend I would not have gotten upset, true. So after some discussion I apologized for my behavior (which was childish) and he forgave me. That night I wanted to have sex, I needed to feel that he forgave me and feel close to him. He told me he was not going to have sex with me until after a Sat night function out with friends, and only would then if I behave that sex was all he had over me to make me see why my actions were unnecessary. This completely hurt and angered me, so much for him forgiving me Right? He tells a friend that, that night I was being extra physco. Does that mean he already thinks I am physco and that not having sex with me is his way of telling me he really wants out of this relationship? Although in our conversation he didn't tell me he wanted to break up, just that if he was going to have sex with another woman he would end our relationship first. Don't get me wrong, outside of the fact that he cannot verbalize his feelings, he has opened his home to me and my son and I pay him a small amount of money to stay here. I feel that is his way of showing that he cares, but since I lost my job things have been quit stressful for me and I am not used to not having a job and standing on my own two feet. He says I am bringing him down with the accusations of distrust. I am so confused. I need to find myself and be myself again, that is after all the reason he fell for me in the first place and I am starting to do that, but I don't understand why he would hold sex over my head.

I think this deals a lot more with relational dynamics and trust issues.

How old are you here?

We are both 40 - I told him I thought it was wrong to withhold sex as a punishment unless there is more to it. His reply was there was nothing more to it, but it was the only thing he has leverage over me with.

It is so I don't flip out if he goes to see a friend and automaticlly assume he is sleeping with her.

I already know I acted foolish, but now I am just pissed to be treated like that. I would have thought that he would want to have sex to show he has truly forgiven my moment of stupidity & feel close to me again, but I am dealing with a fem guy

Why is it that the ones we love the most are the ones we trust the least?

How long have you been dating? Do you live together?

To be brutally honest I think this problem is significantly deeper than this one incident. You are keeping him on a really short leash. Maybe that works for you two as a couple but I would be rebelling against it. You did blow this out of proportion which doesn't justify what he is doing. Neither of you are in the right here.

You don't trust your boyfriend. That is plain to see. He doesn't really trust you either. You're playing power games here too. That is a game no one wins.

Never attribute to malice which can be attributed to stupidity or absent-mindedness.

So what can we do here. First is calm your temper. You're not doing anyone any good by spouting off this or that. Count to ten, or twenty, if you have to. Second is, unless you have solid proof, trust your boyfriend. Unless you have some hard evidence that he is sleeping around what is the harm in him going to visit a friend who happens to be a girl. It could have been a call he got after he had dropped off his daughter, it might not have been a planned thing. Regardless, don't text, e-mail or say anything over the phone that you're not prepared to say to his face.

Also accept that he isn't going to tell you minutia of what he is doing as you aren't going to be doing with him. For example, you didn't tell him that your concert was rained out when you were telling him to come home right now. A minute example I know.

Bad on him for using sex as a weapon in the relationship. If he is going to use sex as bargaining chip then there is some serious respect issues. When I read that little bit in your post I thought that he was chastising a small child. You did bad so you won't be able to get play with your toy until the weekend.

There is a lot here you guys need to sort out. A bunch of it might only be able to be resolved in couples counselling.

Good luck.

Great advice so far. I would just like to add from a woman's point of view, that I can understand where she is coming from. However, I have also realized that men as well as women don't want to feel as if they are being held down.

Snugglie,

You have to realize that people are going to do what they want to do. So, if he is going to leave you, he will. Put your trust into him. Be his girlfriend, not his Mother.

I can see that you are frustrated. I do believe that you did bring this on yourself.

Trust and communication is the key to a successful relationship.

As far as the sex. Well, obviously he was that upset about this whole situation, that he just wasn't in the mood to make love. Is hanging that over your head fair? NO. Does he have the right to deny sex? Yes.

How long have you been together?

Your both right - I have been foolish, I am working towards getting out and doing my own thing. I do have trust issues with him and I think it's because we started this relationship as a casual one because I lived across the state and I knew full well he was with other women when I was not there. I am now living with him and that should say something about how he feels about me. Yes, I have never had concrete evidence that he was up to no good & even when I thought he was it turned out I was wrong. @Enigma - we are both 40 and as I said above we are now living together although it is a temp situation and you are right, people will do what they want no matter what. I started this relationship out and did things differently than I had in the past, if I want it to move forward I need to continue to do things differently and I am going to have to trust him. I guess what I was trying to do is protect myself from getting hurt before it happened, but in reality it is all part of the process. I just feel at our age that I should not have to play games and just have an open and honest relationship. Getting out and dating sucks at this age, and I am not saying I feel for the first guy that came along. I dated quite a few men before I decided to stick with this one. My heart wants to be protected, but my brain tells me that if I ever want any relationship to work I need not jump to conclusions and be a lot more trusting. Honestly this is going to be hard for me as I am a woman and emotional, but I am going to try real hard and see where it leads me. Thanks for the advice :D