I had one night stand years ago n common law marriage. She had an affair recent as 09.I can't get over it.We have three kids been together 16 years.. I have not disclosed my one night stand.She had 4 month affair sex 5 times.I spoke to lover who was married he was willing to disclose everything his wife doesn't know.I feel like I can't forgive her.I feel resentment and anger am I wrong?

Is it possible to have sex with someone in an affair, and do it 5 times and claim to not care about them



Edited/T

No, your feelings aren't 'wrong,' it's how you feel. But you did it before, kept it from her, and are still keeping it from her. At least she was honest with you. Isn't karma a funny thing??

Not to sound harsh, but why do you feel that it's OK for you to 'get away with it' and not her? You must have figured that it's no big deal and/or not enough to destroy your relationship. Well, you have your closure with your affair (without giving her the opportunity to do so), and she trusted/loved you enough to disclose her affair to you. I am sure that if you told her about your affair, she would have felt the same anger and resentment that you are feeling now, and if you told her about it now, she probably would feel that way now.

I think the big question is... where do you go from here? Is the relationship worth salvaging? You already spoke to her lover, so that's a big step in moving forward. Now it's up to you to forgive and move on... if that's what you think is right. Counselling is always an option.

Good luck to you.

I agree with 1800.

You did it and she did it. I think right now, you need to figure out if the relationship is worth keeping.

I may have missed it, but was it her or her lover that told you about the affair?

Honestly, I think that you should tell her about your little affair too.

Are you enjoying having the upper hand? Playing the victim?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You broke the trust first. Now that the table has turned, you feel betrayed. Give HER the opportunity to forgive YOU.

Even the playing field before you ask about WHO should do WHAT.

Instead of asking "how could she?", you should be asking "Why did she feel the need to?"

What's missing in your relationship?

And why did YOU cheat?

I think driving drunk once, is a lesson learned, that you never want to do that a second time. I think driving drunk every time you get in your car, for four months, and having five accidents, is something else again.

The first time didn't require much thought, it was a mistake in judgment, a lesson learned. Four months of the same behaviour involved deliberate planning, knowing the risks, and choice to keep repeating the same mistake, over and over.

Not saying either deicision was correct, but I would trust the person more who drove drunk once, and never did again, than the person who drove drunk every day for four months.

An affair requires a lot of planning, deception, lies, to say the least. Carrying on an actual relationship with a person while at the same time being committed in another relationship, especially and particularly because there are children involved, is a very difficult thing to just get over. And it is different, than a one night stand.

Not that either are good choices, but, let's not put the guy who steals an apple, in the same kettle of fish as the guy who robs a bank here.

Her choosing to risk the relationship with you, her relationship with her children, her 'marriage' itself, is a far greater risk, with far greater consequences. She also chose, to contribute to breaking up another family, probably with children, by continuing to choose to make the same mistake, over and over again.

What YOU did, had nothing to do with what SHE did. Because you had a one night stand, does not automatically get her a 'get out of jail free' card. She did not turn around and have a one night stand because you did, even if she knew. She chose to have a full blown affair, with all the consequences that anybody with an IQ over 10 would know. She willingly accepted the consequences, and she got caught.

IF you can forgive her, it won't happen with just "I forgive you", because it is like getting badly burned- simple bandaids won't fix the wound. It needs surgery, and it needs time, and probably some new kitchen rules. In other words, get into counselling with her. You need more than the 'result' in order to understand what has happened, and it will take more than a bandaide to trust her again.

But, don't allow your one night stand of years ago, ( I presume prior to a commitment, or prior to children?), to be the reason why she did what she did, now.

I'm not excusing your one night stand, I'm saying I see two distinct and different situations here that have to be assessed on their own merits.

I see the two situations as different but somewhat equal. Yes, she may have put more planning into her actions, but you have hidden yours for 'years' and, in a sense, lying to her every time she thinks you have been completely faithful. Her hurt over your 'indiscretion' will be every bit as painful today (if she learns about it) as hers is to you.

I notice that you don't give any details about your 'indiscretion' so I am not going to make any assumptions about how it occurred. I have seen too many different scenarios from a drunken lonely night on the road to wife's best friend needed comforting and it got out of hand. However, I am going to ask: if your wife knew about it when it happened, would you still be together? If she got the information from the other person, would it match up completely with what you say happened?

Have you talked with your wife about what happened and why? What else was going on between you at the time? Were there problems in the relationship?

I think IF your 'marriage' is to survive, you need to look into marriage/couple's counseling. Both of you need to be open and honest with each other from now on or you might as well separate before you things get worse between you.

What your wife did was wrong, it was over 10 years ago, why have you not dealt with it?
What you did was wrong too and it is a bit hypocritical of you to keep your discretion to yourself.
Get some counseling, lay all the cards on the table and then see where this all goes.

So... do you forgive yourself for your fling? Why? Or why not?