My husband has been communicating with his ex girlfriend. It bothered me but I accepted it because it didn't seem like a threat. I recently found text messages talking about how much in love they were. I began to snoop more. They talk to each other as if they are still involved. They say things like how much they miss each other and how much fun they have together, etc... I confronted my husband about it and he told me that he still loves her and I have to deal with it. He claims they will never get back together and I am too jealous. I cannot get those words "I still love her" out of my head. He will not stop talking to her. He said I have no right to choose his friends and to stay out of his personal life. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. Am I over-reacting? I've asked him to stop communications, to leave his past in the past... He refuses to, claiming it's all innocent. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to get him to see this from my perspective.

Hiya !

No you're not over-reacting, your way of thought is more than normal for this case.
Of course it's hell when you hear "i still love her", then why did he agree to get married in the first place ?
That's just cruel for you.
I understand you love your husband, and you want him to understand your point of view, there's a few solutions but not really adultlike...
First you could try to speak to the ex, make her understand or at least try to know what she's got in mind.
Second you could play it understanding, and let's talk about it kind of thing...
Or you could try to make him jealous (but I don't like that one).

For him to say you're too jealous it's a bit big, don't you think ? Of course you're jealous that kind of logical, you're trying to protect your family here !
Just try to explain your fears, and that what he's doing is hurting you.

If none of that help then I'm gobb smacked !

Good luck,
JD

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Originally Posted by irishope

My husband has been communicating with his ex girlfriend. It bothered me but I accepted it because it didn't seem like a threat. I recently found text messages talking about how much in love they were. I began to snoop more. They talk to each other as if they are still involved. They say things like how much they miss each other and how much fun they have together, etc... I confronted my husband about it and he told me that he still loves her and I have to deal with it. He claims they will never get back together and I am too jealous. I cannot get those words "I still love her" out of my head. He will not stop talking to her. He said I have no right to choose his friends and to stay out of his personal life. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this. Am I over-reacting? I've asked him to stop communications, to leave his past in the past... He refuses to, claiming it's all innocent. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know how to get him to see this from my perspective.

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NO. You are not over reacting. In fact, I was shaking my head, reading this at the same time.

When he says that you don't have a right to choose his friends... We aren't talking about a male super bowl friend. We are talking about an ex that he clearly has said he is still in love with. Then he says that it is innocent. Yeah, sure.

If it were me and MY Husband said to me, "I am in love with her and you need to get over it." I would say, "Mkay, I am getting over it right now" and leave the house.

That's just me though.

Clearly he is in love with her and that won't change. So you need to ask yourself. Hmmmm Do I deserve this and should I suffer from comparison? NOPE! You deserve a man who is IN LOVE with you 100%.

He is your husband, not your boyfriend, or your common law 'husband'.

You do have a right to expect that he honour his marriage vows, and the main one in your case, being exclusively in one loving relationship- with you.

He cannot choose to have a relationship with any other woman. Or if he does choose to do so, you should be thinking of ditching him in my opinion.

You are supposed to accept that he loves this other woman, 'as a friend', but she is more than a friend. He is protective of her, and has dug in his heels to maintain this loving friendship, even professing his love to her.

So, the cards are on the table. This isn't something that you are unaware of, after 25 years, and six kids and two mortgages later.

It is not so much now a question of 'if' something is going on, because, 'it' is going on.

Because he has honestly told you you can either accept it, or take a hike, this no longer involves him at all, it is only about you, and what you are going to do about it.

I presume that if he is choosing not to even understand your feelings, or understand how his behaviour is affecting your marriage, I would also conclude that he is not willing to give her up, or attend counselling in order to figure out what he's done wrong, and why.

So, truly this is your call. You either do what he says and 'get over it', and pretend everything is okay, or you put on your big girl pants, and tell him to take a hike.

If it were me, there would be no question as to what I would do.

OH, believe me, I am going trough the same thing and have lost control of myself because of hubby's lack of respect. After 2 years, still in limbo over the this bimbo! Look up "personality disorders". Mines narcissistic... that should help...

I would send him to the girl friend.
You have no husband, you have a housemate.