My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 1/2 years now. We are both 19, working, going to school etc. We are in a very committed relationship and have been living together for almost a year. As with most relationships, we have our ups and downs, but all in all there are no problems and we truly enjoy each others company and love to spend time together. When it comes to our sex, well there is a lot going wrong with that situation.
First of all, we have been having sex for over two years now (since we started dating) and here is the back story to all of it:

-There was a lot I had hidden from my boyfriend in the past. I had hidden from him how many guys I had been with before him (which was only 5, but I was scared to tell him the truth about all of it).There was other various situations dealing with guys that I had lied about in fear of him being upset (which was a HUGE mistake). I had also hid from him that I thought I might be bisexual. I had done things with a girl a couple times, not very much, mostly touching and things like that but nothing really in depth. The idea of being with a girl sexually was very appealing, but I didn't have any desire to date a girl or have a relationship with a girl.I would watch lesbian porn sometimes and for some reason it really intrigued me. But again, I never was truly ATTRACTED to a girl. So there was a lot of guilt on my part for things I had hidden. When I finally told him about all of it he forgave me, but it bothered him a lot that I lied, which I can understand.Ever since I started coming clean about things, I made sure from now on he knew the truth about everything. Because he is my partner and he deserves to know. But with all of that came A LOT of guilt, and I mean A LOT.
When all this came out, I got very obsessive about it because I felt so guiltyespecially the part where I was questioning my sexuality). I remember being able to orgasm quickly from lesbian porn and somehow subconsciously got it in my head that it's the only thing that could get me off. (I know deep down this isn't true because I love my bf) That's why I think part of this may be a mental thing I haven't gotten over yet. My guilt, my lack of sexual knowledge and experience, and me not forgiving myself for what I had done.

-So as far as our sex life now, it still hurts as soon as he puts his penis in my vagina. I am very small, and I think I even have a tilted uterus and he is very large. So that may be one reason it hurts. But after 2 years, shouldn't it get better? I can't even wear tampons because THAT hurts too bad. Some positions are better than others and I will feel some slight pleasure, but a lot of the times it hurts and I feel numb. I can feel him going in and out but it's almost like I don't even feel anything. Like I don't have a gspot. He has tried SO many diff angles, positions, etc. and like I said, some are better than others. I have never orgasmed or came close to orgasming from sex.

-The first time I orgasmed is when he ate me out. But it took almost 30 minutes, and it only lasted like 2 seconds. Seems like an awful lot of work for just a couple seconds of pleasure. So foreplay is usually out of the question because we don't have time for him to eat me out. We use lube, he fingers me before he puts it in, he has rubbed my **** during intercourse. And nothing. I want to feel pleasure from sex so bad, and I want him to see how much he turns me on and makes me happy and I feel like I am ruining our sexual relationship by not being able to enjoy it. I desire sex, I want us to share that intimacy. But, I wish I could have an orgasm too.

From everything that I have mentioned, does anybody know possibly if this is a physical or mental thing or both? And do you have ANY advice whatsoever that can help?
I think I really deserve to enjoy sex with my boyfriend, because I know I truly love him. And he loves me. This isn't just a hook up.
Also only serious answers please, I really need help and for the record I am NOT a lesbian, I LOVE my boyfriend, and even if I am/was bi, it doesn't matter now because my boyfriend is who I am with and who I love. I need to get my sexual past out of my head now and start over to have a great sex life in the future.

Just a few things.

I wouldn't think that you are lesbian because you watch lesbian porn or fantasize about other women. I am a woman, and I also appreciate another woman's body.

I think that there is way too much stress going on here which is not making the sex enjoyable.

Slow wins the race.

It seems as if you two are in a hurry. It is mental as well as physical.

I think that you two should go to the library and read up on books together about seduction.

When you say that it's a lot of work for just a few seconds. Lol YES. That can be the best part, is the anticipation, the build up. Exploring each others bodies, looking into each others eyes, knowing that YOU are in control of making him feel good, and vice versa. Just relax and go with it.

As far as the pain, I would use jellys, or have him give you oral, making sure you are nice and relaxed before him entering you.

Also, these lies have to stop. You really need to be upfront with him. You say you love him (which I believe), then don't lie.

Trust and communication are the key to a successful relationship.

With out that, you have nothing.

Good Luck.

Have you been to a doctor?

Painful sex can be a symptom that things are VERY WRONG with your body!

Start with a doctor--and be brutally honest with the doctor about it, too. Don't hem and haw because you're embarrassed. Most doctors have heard it all, and they CAN NOT HELP you if you lie or downplay anything---or just leave it out.

Now--most women cannot orgasm from sex. Sorry honey, but that's the truth. Sex can still be enjoyable, but you're more likely to orgasm if you're receiving oral sex or manual stimulation. Do you masturbate? If not, then why the heck not? Your boyfriend isn't in your body--you are! You need to figure out what turns you on before you can show HIM what turns you on.

Thank you Synnen-

What are the things that could be wrong from painful sex?

I did mention this to my doctor during my last pelvic exam and she didn't seem concerned. She said that it could be because I'm so small and he is larger. But still... after 2 and a half years! You would think the pain would lessen. And it hurts as soon as he starts putting it in. It gets a little better over time of the intercourse, but it happens every single time, even with lubrication.Maybe I should get a second opinion?

Also, I do masturbate a few times a week. I usually always get off (not from fingering, but from clitoral stimulation) I have tried to tell him I want more foreplay and more clitoral stimulation.. but maybe he doesn't understand, I don't know. He is really rushy through sex, he kind of has a "lets get it over with cause I'm tired and need to go to sleep" attitude. Not all the time, but some of the time.. and that certainly doesn't help.

But you, I was wondering if you could tell me what serious problems are associated with painful sex. I appreciate all your advice!

Thank you Enigma

Thank you for the reassurance.

I agree about their being too much stress. Which is probably mostly my fault. I am always stressed out about everything. But I love to have fun and try to enjoy myself, especially when making love to my boyfriend.I like the idea of us going to read some books together, I think that could be exciting.

I love when he gives me oral, I just don't think HE likes it, so it makes it less enjoyable. Because it takes so long to get me off. I wish I could help it but I can't.. it's so much pressure.

And I stopped lying about my past to him a long long time ago. I came clean and have been telling him the truth about everything ever since. I have matured a lot since being with him. That's one reason I know I love him. He makes me want to be a better person.

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Originally Posted by emmy462

Thank you Synnen-

What are the things that could be wrong from painful sex?

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Muscle issues mostly. Spamming and reacting wrongly to stimulation.

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Originally Posted by emmy462

I did mention this to my doctor during my last pelvic exam and she didn't seem concerned. She said that it could be because I'm so small and he is larger. But still...after 2 and a half years! You would think the pain would lessen. and it hurts as soon as he starts putting it in. It gets a little better over time of the intercourse, but it happens every single time, even with lubrication.Maybe I should get a second opinion?

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Yes. Go for a second opinion. Get a referral to a Oby/Gyn they will not for certain. It can be really hard to get I know.

Also, the idea that you're tight and he is big doesn't hold water. You need be able to pass a full term baby through your love hole. Even a monster penis will be smaller.

You will need to go through the channels but you need to impress upon the doctor that the face that he's big and you're tight isn't the reason. Get the referral and go from there.

Did you tell your gynecologist that inserting a tampon hurts? I think a second opinion is a good idea.

Nature helps facilitate babies being born and even with the boost of hormones to soften the muscles there can be issues with tearing. Arousal helps in much the same way to relax those muscles and lubricate the vagina.

It sounds like he isn't doing much to help you get aroused and that isn't going to help. Another factor is dreading the pain may be causing you to clamp down without realizing it.

Sex should be fun and not a chore or punishment for either of you.

Do you only think about sex in the bedroom before sleep or do you play around and tease each other at other times letting the anticipation build up? Women generally need more stimulation mentally and physically to be ready for intercourse. When we have quickies it is usually because we have been thinking about and anticipating the encounter for awhile before it happens.

Talk with your boyfriend. Explain that you need more stimulation and arousal time before intercourse. That stimulation could be anything from watching a movie together to talking about fantasies. Whatever turns the both of you on and gets you on the same page when it comes to being fully aroused.

So... you said you had an orgasm after he performed oral on you. Sure... it wasn't very long, but it takes time for you to trust that you can relax, release, and be in the moment.

At this point it is both physical and mental. The pain you feel is real. And that creates a mental block. It's a frickin wicked feedback cycle.

First of all... id tell your man about your struggle. Even if he is the most conceited jerk on this planet, telling him he is so big it hurts you wouldn't turn him off. And maybe he will listen to your needs.

Personally, I prefer oral on the woman to orgasm before intercourse. Its my ritual. Don't know what id do if a woman refused a patient massage followed by oral to orgasm followed by intercourse. Its how I'm programmed and wired.

It just makes sense. I absolutely love it. It is just incredible to go down on your lover and have her arch her back in that great moment. And it prepares her for receiving her man. And maybe multiples can happen.

Oral on a woman is a wonderful thing... and you need to tell your lover you need this and let him have the choice of doing right by you. Its not far to judge him for what you haven't given him the choice to do. So demand what you need. And hope he is the kind alpha male in bed who will take control, with your needs in mind, and let you mentally release.

And as for intercourse after oral to the Big O... is it his girth or length that hurts you? There are members here who love a man slamming into her cervix and then there are others who hate that feeling.

It is a silly comparison, but I liken it to jalepeno peppers. The minds interpretation of what hits your tongue tells you if its pleasure or pain. Or when a man gets "racked"... fine. Hit the "boys" on the edge of a table and you want to throw up... but hit them against a woman's rear from behind and the mind interprets that same physical hit as pleasurable... it is maddenly incredible how the mind can control and rewrite what the body feels.

So... if you cannot talk to your partner about your needs... well... it sucks. My experience with women is that there is no one recipe fits all. In one case, what one lover absolutely needed, the next HATED. I was king of the world for two years and then suddenly I had no frickin clue. You might not know what you need... but that doesn't excuse you from being proactive and up front.

If you tell your lover that sex hurts and you need to try some things to work it out... what is the worst that can happen? He can either go along with you and work with you or he can ignore your needs. Either way, you get a very important answer about his commitment to you.

Painful sex can also be a sign of endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome--neither of which you want to just hope go away. It can also be a symptom of problems with your cervix or of an STD. There's just no way I can tell you, because I'm not a doctor.

You need more foreplay, for sure, though. Talk to your doctor, but talk to your boyfriend as well. 30 minutes of foreplay just isn't that long.