Ask Me Help Desk - My son caught my Husband cheating and they got into a fight and my son hurt him bad !

Let me start with I have been married 20 years ben together 23 years.Christmas night last year we had a bad bad snow storm I work about 1 hour away,We were suppose to all meet at my sister inlaws for Christmas night but my husband went to a friends close to home because of the storm my son was only in town for a few days he only had his work truck since my husband didn't go he could not go either he met up with his collage friends in town, I of course went to my sister inlaws because it was only a few miles away and was going to spend the night there.When my husband got home he got stuck in the driveway and yes he was drunk he called me to tell are son to come home and push him out so I called my son and he said him and a couple of friends would go over there when they left ( they were at the bar ). Around 11:30 pm I told my sister inlaw I was going to bed I did not feel good just a bad day and not spending Christmas with all my family, and my first not being with my husband made me sad and I had to work the next day.Around 4:30 am I was woke up by my sister inlaw telling me I had a phone call and I needed to take it,I was half asleep and herd Mom Mom are you there I said yes , My son proceeded to tell me that he walked in on my Husband and My best friend of 18 years and that he hurt dad.I'm sorry I am so sorry mom they did this to you mom I don't know what to do I didn't want to hurt him. Wow I was so floored by this time I put him on speaker and My brother inlaw and sister inlaw got up and were sitting with me ( I thought I was Dreaming ) My son just kept repeating this over and over and was crying all I could do is fall down and cry and say NO NO NO. I finally got up the voice to say is he OK and my son said I'm not sure I made him go back inside and check on his father when he went back in my cell phone rang it was my Best friend I put her on speaker she did not know I was talking to my son. She proceeded to tell me that my son thinks she was screwing my husband but she was not she was only using my bathroom (The one in my bedroom ) and My son just freaked out.All I could say to her is what are you doing in my house why are you at my house what the He@#.My son tells me that he hurt my husband and says should I call 911 and I say yes call the Ambulance so he picks up the home phone and calls 911 ( I work on the Ambulance and I work in a Emergency room ).All that was going through my head was THIS can't BE HAPPENING ! Next thing I hear is my girlfriend yelling at my son (she does not know he has me on the Phone ) Your mom will never believe you I'm going to tell her I was screwing you and a lot more screaming things I can't say. She calls me back again and tells me my son through her out of my house and I tell her GOOD ! Then I hang up again on her! Next I heard my son say Mom the police are here and I'm sure there going to arrest me I'm so sorry I love you and I'm so sorry! He tells the officer here my mom is on the phone please talk to her she is to far away to get here in the storm, The officer said I can't talk now I need to put you in handcuffs ! My sets the phone down and all I can do is listen I hear the Ambulance come and I can here them talk to my Husband then they all leave and I'm yelling Hello can someone pick up the phone Hello but most are gone and don't know I am still on the phone ! Well so My Husband goes to the Hostpital and my son goes to jail charged with a felony I was at my lowest at this point could not think or function my sister inlaw had to drive me to the Hostpital ( I know everyone I use to work there ).Meanwhile I get another phone call from my sons friend saying that this women will not leave my home what should he do? I asked him are you kidding me she is still in my home please get her out He did! When I got to the Hostpital and they told me that they were transferring him that he might have a broken back or neck and maybe some facial fractures my husband was being rude like a drunk would be like that side I hate. I could not talk to him because he was drunk and I could not talk to my son he was in Jail.My husband was tranfered and we found out only broken bone was 2 ribs and his ego yet he started to go through the DT's bad and they had to put him in a drug inused coma to get him through his blood alc level was .44 how many hours later he had no clue what happened.My husband was in the Hospital 29 days only because of the DT's he will never admitt that.I have no family around other than my son's and my Husbands family. We have three sons His mine and ours they just think of each other as brothers not half or step they are very close and of coarse it would have to be the middle one my son that this happened to.Well the claws came out and you knew my son was not blood most of my husbands family turned against him and were calling the court house and threatening him. I was floored they only would say to me I understand if you left him but maybe you should stay he won't stay sober if you go. While they dialed the phone to tell the prosicuter to put my son in prison they did not even have the full story at that time. My other two sons stood by there brothers side and helped me with there dad I do have some great sons I would have not made it through without them and my sister and brother inlaw So thank you to them. My husbands family was to make sure my sone paid for what he did and would express to my husband when they would visit see that's not your son you want him in jail he should pay ! ( to a man that has no memmory or has to relearn to walk ) They were not supportive and were starting fights with my sons and me at the Hostpital so the nurse said either he has no more visitors or you limit it to wife and sons ! So I did witch made his family angry at me, Not the Dr.s or Nurses just me ! Well as time went and he was getting better more people could see him ! The family was so angry they even were fighting with each other it was horrable nobody cared that I felt I lost my husband and My best friend and that my son was in jail and may not get out. We were not this family nothing like this ever has happened I have never fought with this family they allways treated me so well and my son he has been in the family since he was 1 years old and he is 24 now We have been in the family longer then most of the inlaws and have never fought. My son was never a troubled child well behaved thoughtful. I stayed with my husband and tried to work things out it has been a struggle since he has no memory of this.My son and him have only seen each other twice and still have not talked My son feels betrayed and hurt but still tells me that he never wanted to hurt him.My son lost his job and his home and all his belongings he lived out of state and could not return to take care of things he was stuck her with no car no close but what was on his back and no family to turn to other then my sister and brotherinlaws but try to get a job with no car! The rest of the family has diowend him and he is not allowed at there homes but I am. My son said he would never have hit him but they came after him yelling and screaming not to call me and then he was pushed and the fight started.My girlfriend no more texted me to tell me she did not screw him it was only oral sex?? Is that different then sex ? My husband has no memory only the angry words of his family and he was beat up so he is no help! But feels until my son talks to him and pays for the damage to the house and furniture he is not welcome. I cry a lot I do love my husband but my son is my son I stand up for him. One year later and still his family feels my son owes them a apology and until then he is not part of the family. My husband says well that's my family there just sticking up for me like you are your son. We have never had any issues with infidelity and he denies ever being with her my son says when he got home dad was in bed passed out and then she came over and said she was going in the house to wait while they pushed out the car he went in 30 min later and opend the bedroom door to tell my husband he got him pushed out and found them he does not believe my husband came out to get her. My question is does my son owe the family a apology? Should I be this angry at his family for how they treated us ?

You son did grave bodily injury to his father after all. The family only understands that and nothing more. He could apologize to his father for harming him. He does not need to say anything to the family as they were not physically injured. Why should you be angry at his family - they are only being themselves and not looking at the big picture here.

Your husband ( hope soon to be ex husband) owes everyone the facts and to tell them he is sorry. Next everything is happening with "drinking" came from a bar, and so on.

And husband was not hurt bad, a couple broken ribs, so it was not that serious,

You need to work on getting son out of jail, and support him, since while not right, he like you were betrayed by this, and obvious this has been going on for a while, and your best friend was going to blame the son.

I am feeling sorry for the son, who seems to be forgotten in this

I did get my son out of jail and the family was not happy they felt he should stay in there .I do support my son and will never forget what he did for me in fact I talk to him 4 or 5 times a week. Agree about the drinking. Thank you.

Just so you all know drinking did play a big part and that's why I guess I have never ben a drinker. I love my son and would never turn my back on him ever ! I think I was surprised at how they could turn on him and forgive my husband and never talk to him about his drinking and his part. There colors came out and I can't even look at them They disapoint me more! Instead they should have helped us fix our family not break us apart they wanted me to forgive there son and brother but made sure my son was behind bars!! That is my anger and why I feel alone !

Many wrongs - very drunk husband, your good friend in his bedroom, son attacking your husband. Your son's reaction is understandable but still wrong, since he wasn't saving anyone from harm. The harm to your feelings had already been done and did not warrant a physical attack. But I agree that your concerns need to all be on your son and not on the extended family's demands. Ignore them, or try to explain that all the people involved were wrong.

I feel for all of you.

Ok. Here I go again! I tend to be harsh so bare with me. Although I will not be harsh to the OP just the responders.

Twinkiedooter & joypulv: Are you kidding me? No matter how long a kid is raised by his step-father, there will never be the relationship like the one he will have with his mother. Blood plays a huge part. What the son did was not wrong, its actually quite heroic in my mind.

Take my example: I wa adopted. I have a biological sister and brother. (both adopted with me)
I have numerous other brothers and sisters (not biological)
I develop a very close bond to my adopted brothers and sisters and with a stranger I will fight to the death for them but when it comes down to my adopted bro or biological bro, my biological brother will get my backup anyday o the week.

OP- I admire your son for standing up and not letting the friend turn this around on him. Standng up for you in your absence and everything your bond stands for.

It's a tough situation, it really is. I realize you love your husband but where do you cross the line? The threats, the stress, the tension, the disowneing of your son for protecting his mothers dignity.

I personally say that a divorce needs to be seriosly considered. Granted your husbands Alc. Level was .44, somehow I don't believe that this was the first time.

Person to person- I would have done the same thing as your son! (maybe worse)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ITstudent2006

your husbands Alc. level was .44, somehow I don't believe that this was the first time.

It couldn't have been the first time. If you re-read the OP's post, the husband was in the hospital going through DTs. DTs happen with alcoholics. So, there is some more background we may be missing.

Asteine,

I am very sorry that you and your children are having to go through such an emotional turmoil. Of course your son is going to flip out seeing his father cheating on his mother with mom's so called best friend.

Too much alcohol and out of control anger never mix. It could have gone a lot worse. I hope your son is getting help in understanding that for future.

You are having so many things thrown at you, I hope for your sake that you try and get some counseling. You need to be able to talk about the cheating,your son being in jail, and the extended family now abandoning you. The loss of your marriage would have been enough, but all the other things is a lot for 1 person to have to handle.

Good luck

I feel like I lost my mind sometimes ! I worried about everyone but me now I am trying to fix me and everyone says get over it and I have to work with her everyday and see her they don't get it ! My sons are great

Yes he is a alcoholic and has been sober since this happened, He is trying but it's hard for me when he has no memmory and can't feel or act like he did wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by asteine2

Yes he is a alcoholic and has been sober since this happend, He is trying but it's hard for me when he has no memmory and can't feel or act like he did wrong.

He must be a really bad alcoholic not to have remembered anything that happened. He was obviously having black outs and probably did not even remember that week. If he was a decent type he would have apologized to YOU. Again you don't have to apologize to HIS family - for what? For him being a drunk drinking his brains out? I'm just happy that your son didn't do worse than beat the crap out of him and leave him in a coma (or worse). Your son obviously loves you and feels protective of you. He could have handled the situation a bit differently but most "kids" really don't stop and think rationally in a situation like that. I hope his Judge is understanding. I pray that your husband asks the Judge for lienency in his sentencing and the Judge listens with his heart while sentencing him.