Ask Me Help Desk - I want him back!

5 months ago, me and my boyfriend of 2 years were starting the trip of a lifetime around the world, having such an amazing time and so in love. I had always had a male friend who every now and then text, I was always very clear I was not interested and kept it friendly, then just before I went away he got a girlfriend and did not want to know me anymore. I panicked and sent flirty emails while I was away. I saw it as an attack on me (I had had an eating disorder for 5 years and never had it treated and believe when this person didn't want to know, I took it as there being something wrong with me and all my insecurities came flooding up). All this coincided with leaving my job, family and friends for 18mths, pre cancer cells found in a routine smear, test, and questions posed to me about kids. My boyfriend had said from day one that he never wanted them (and trust me, that will never change) and in my own time, I came to the conclusion that I also didn't but I couldn't even look at a child without him claiming he knows I will (and that in fact he must think there was an expiration on us), so I couldn't even discuss it with him in case he ran a mile. My friends had brought this topic up pre travelling and I wonder whether this also added to my reaction. I never liked this other person.. and after 3 weeks I had no hesitation in cutting him out of my life... something I should have done the second I knew he liked me, but I can't be harsh with people and thought I had it under control. 3 weeks after the emails had stopped, my boyfriend hacked into my email account (possibly because I was texting a lot while I was away but I was missing my friends), and he read everything. We were both devastated... him obviously but me because I lost the man I loved over something so stupid and which I know wouldn't happen again. I came home and started to see a counsellor to deal with my issues, I wrote him letters and emails to express my feelings, how I want my life with him, how I dealt with things in the rong way and how I gave up everything to travel with him... not this other person... I had never even seen the person face to face for 5 years.
Since returning there was a month where we chatted every night for 5 hrs, went shopping, on walks, but then his mood changed... he says he cannot forget the past, that he knows I am a good kind hearted person who deserves to be happy and that if we tried he would ,make us both happy by second guessing and wondering.
I know all people are different but yes you can't forget the past, but by trying, bad memories fade, and if you love someone and know they are a good person, the trust would build and you won't want to hurt them because you would be too happy enjoying life together. I have hated myself and cried every day for the past few months - he is my world and I made a mistake. I have always supported him through his moods and when he upset me because things weren't going his way... I just feel he has fell at our first hurdle because we never argued. I know I did wrong, and I punish myself daily, but doesn't everyone deserve a second chance?

Dear greenws5,
How long has it been since the break up with the guy you love?? How old are the two of you??

People deserve second chances; however, most times if the loved one does not return to their relationship with you it's usually because they have found someone else. Guys are real good about shutting out the past and past relationships.

Give some thought to dating other people. Find a good Christian. It's better to date a good Christian than just dating a nice person. Try to keep busy with other activities. Take guitar lessons, go to night school, read Proverbs, take long walks, or join the gym etc. Activities will help ease your pain.
I too lost a perfect love, so I know how you feel.
Godspeed!

It has now been 3 months, and its only been a month since we stopped texting every night and meeting up. He is being very supportive because I knows I am taking this hard, and although he says he is finding it so hard also, he has accepted that might has a different plan for us. I cannot seem to accept his outlook because if he believes I am a good person, saw the rest of his life with me, then I cannot see why we can't try. He says he would hurt us both if we tried again because he will always wonder, but if he believes I am good, surely he can believe I would never repeat such a mistake and have faith day to day and build that trust and connection we had. I turn 26 next month and he is 30 in March. Neither of us has ever had a long term relationship but someone has actually cheated on him and he does not trust many people. I fear for both of us because we just connected and wanted the same things and I feel he has given up without a real fight.
I am trying to get my life back on track, as I have not been able to get up some days with the memories and hatred towards myself for doing this to someone... I can't forgive myself. I have never been the type to be able to let go of things easily, and I am struggling to accept what he says because I believe so much that love conquers all and deserevs one chance.

Dear greenws5, Sorry to read about your heat break and guilt. By all means! go back to school, pray, read Proverbs, talk to a psychologist, and find one of these really cool, hip new churches filled with young people around your age. After a while invite your love to attend church with you if you want to. God is doing some cool things in private lives and in churches, keep your mind on a future life in heaven.

Why are we putting in not helpful comments to peoples individual opinions. If the op feels its not helpful for whatever reasons, let them post a comment. I understand if you don't agree, but we are NOT the op, so why do we judge their opinions. Just choose not to read it. Now this is just my personal feelings, This is a site in which people including myself have asked for opinions on questions. I have received some inspiring,uplifting,bottom line answers. I felt if I asked a question that not all answers were going to ones I agreed with, and believe me I have some heated dis-agreements, but why mark them as not helpful, they are just ones I disagree with, but I did ask, and not everyone's is going to be helpful to me. That includes an op answer including their beliefs or none beliefs in religion. Or if for whatever reason they forget to individualize, and use generalize, like " all guys or all girls". Sometimes when just starting on this site we forget to stop grouping together, but we do learn after awhile.

May I make a couple of suggestions and ask a couple questions? Do you know his parents, and have you seen his father interact with his mother many times? Is there relationship good, is he a good husband, his he supportive and kind to his wife?? How many brothers and sister did your love grow up with??

If the father is a good husband, then your love learned from this example and is likely to be a good husband some day. If your love grew up with more sisters than brothers then he will be better understanding to a girlfriend and future wife.

Most of all though, the more you talk about your love the harder it will for you to move on with your life, and to feel better after the breakup.
In relationship it is very important that the two have much in common and do mutually interesting things together. It is not enough that you just like and or love the person for it to work long term.

I hope this helps. My advice comes for classes in sociology, psychology, reading the Bible, and personal experience.

I once bought a book on estrangements. At the end of every chapter is a list of suggestions. One suggest reads you have to know what the other person wants, if you know what he wants, maybe you can provide it, fix it, or eliminate it for your love. But the best step is NO CONTACT. Just stay busy with positive activities, keep your mind off the breakup, exercise/walking is good for depression.

Quote:

I believe so much that love conquers all and deserves one chance.

You had that chance, and what happened, happened, and yes, you made a mistake, but so do all us humans make mistakes, both big and small, life changing, and innocent.

That's done, forgive yourself, and seek to do better, and in time you will get over the feelings, and get your life in order again, just be patient with yourself, and leave him completely alone while you heal, and rebuild a life that makes you happy. Trust that it WILL get better with time, and work, on your part.