Right, usually I'd say I hate all this ****, like online complaining but I need to vent, or rant, somehow and I hope someone can help. Yes it is about an ex.
First off, it wasn't a long relationship, like 5 months..
Everything was so good till about 4 months in, I'd honestly never been happier. Actually I need to add we're both only 17 but don't give me **** on how I'm too young. You only live once so why should it matter how old I am?
Anyway, about 4 months in we started to argue. I guess I started to get jealous and all that. She started to cancel on me pretty regularly, a few times in a row. Naturally, I was pretty pissed and started to show it. We usually saw each other only once a week.Then, we had a half-term holiday from college. I had this whole thing laid out to how we could fix things, respark the relationship, if you will. It was basically to spend 2 days and nights straight together. It might not sound like a lot, but the more I look back on it, the more I believe it could have worked. If you haven't already guessed, it didn't work, because, shock horror, she cancelled on me. A couple of days later she stayed at my house. The next morning, and that night actually, we were talking. About us, the relationship. I was pretty sure it was over because of the nature of the conversation. Tears in her eyes and ****. I didn't want to believe it was over. She has a new job. On top of her old job. So that means, our usual Friday or Saturday night slot has gone forever, and she also works daytime in the weekends so weekends are pretty much off boundaries. She's doing driving lessons at the moment, if she passes soon hopefully she can drive down to where I live to see me more often.
Just realised this isn't very linear. Just want to say everything that happened. But then, the next day after she stayed round, our anniversary. Well. 5 month anniversary, aha, she texted me at night saying 'I can't do this'. We argued. I left it, thinking wow you're a ****ing *****. And then, the next evening, she tried calling me. Didn't pick up. SO she texted me saying something like 'I need to talk to you'. She said I made a mistake blah blah, more crying. I was quite happy and hopeful that things were going to get back on track. No, no they didn't. We arranged to meet a couple of days later. I was certain it was the end of all of the crap. No, no it wasn't. She said, I want two weeks to think. I was pretty damn pissed again. Two weeks to think about what? She always said she didn't know. Two weeks passed, she didn't want to text me, and when she did, it wasn't the same, but she still said that she loved me and that she missed me. After the two weeks, yesterday, she said that she still didn't know. We argued, a lot. So now I'm waiting for something that isn't even slightly certain. She still doesn't know ****. Her suggestions to fix things were, one of us moving. I would do it. It sounds stupid but I love her. I really do. Her driving down. Again, possible isn't it? Going away together. This sounded good to me. I want to go to the States soon, and I was hoping she would come with me, but she said she cant. Oh yeah by the way, I got kicked out of college for moping. I didn't attend and they didn't have it, I was asked to leave. Its all her ****ing fault. But I can't let her go.
So I'm taking her on a date type thing next week, and I have no idea what to do, how to act. Its horrible. I don't like the idea of her being single and just replacing me while I'm waiting for her to make up her mind. She could have anyone she wants. She's absolutely ****ing beautiful. If its even possible to help me, please do. I need it.
We also have an agreement. If this doesn't work, then, in 3 months we are going away together anyway. As if we were together, to try and start it off again.
She says she loves me, and I love her. Im stuck. Everything seems to link in with her in some way, every 5 minutes I remember she's not there.
Another thing to add is, in my last relationship, we had a very healthy/ active sex life.
But this time, even without it I feel so strongly for her. I don't know how or why, but whenever were about to get down to it, its like something in a cringy film. I come either too fast which is the most humiliating thing. Or, it just goes down. I don't know why. Its bad. She thinks its her fault, but it can't be. We've had sex decently like only a couple of times. That's pretty embarrassing but if she was breaking up with me because of that. Id rather she told me, because it lowers myself esteem so so so so so so much. So now the whole world can see it. Wow
Oh yeah and I'm thinking I might have been depressed for a while, couple years maybe, but Ive never been checked, should I?

OK... firstly, your breakup sounds like the typical case of a girl who wants out of a relationship... all this indecision on her part is simply the actions of a girl
Who wants out. You have recognized this to some point but, like most guys you want to hang in there. It's over dude... eventually she is just going to get pissed off, drop the bomb and end it. If a girl is not 100% about being with you(like you are with her) then move on. I know you love her but, she's changed.
The whole sex thing could be a sign that you are just not compatible but, either way both of you should be addressing your concerns... communication man, it's a big deal. But, it's probably not the big problem that you think it is.
If you think you may have been or are depressed.. yes, it is worth checking out since it affects all aspects of your life.
I think you need to let her go otherwise you will be just living in the world of hope and failure. Go no contact for a while, work on yourself... you will see the relationship in a whole new light after a few months.

So just give up?

You are always invited to blow some steam off here, I think most of us have done it in the past. No one here will give you **** about being 17, 12-14 yeah you are too young. You know you care a lot for someone when your thinking about the 5 month anniversary :). Do not blame your own personal decisions on someone else, you got kicked out of school, is all her dam fault? No sir, you made that choice if you are using it to create anger toward her so that is easier to forget her then that is fine, but the decisions you make are always yours, do not have a girlfriend if you are going to let your world fall into pieces, because now the damage of being in that relationship exceed the benefits. Also man, the BS about running away together anyway I think it is not happening, not to burst your bubble but when girls say stuff like that is it normally only to make you feel less sad, and it is their way of putting you down easy, problem is she is leading you on, and in this case it seems like her intentions are good, but she just doesn't know what you waiting around three months for nothing to happen will feel like at the end of it. So be very careful at hanging on to this idea, because you will most likely come out very, VERY hurt from that, and it also will waste three months that you could have been emotionally healing from her. Sexual things are hard to conquer, and to tell you the truth I believe that it takes practice to have control over your body, but feeling with very low self esteem is not going to help, be positive about thing.

One thing, if you are trying to get back together with her, LOOK HAPPY, why would she want to be with someone who she has already gone through the efforts (remember she was crying?) of breaking up with, and who is also also arguing with her. You are going to have to let **** go if you want to get anywhere, act like nothing happened, and she will act accordingly, maybe not right away, but eventually. Man I just also went through a relationship where they still say I love you and I care about you and it makes it a hell lot harder than when they kick you in the balls and tell you to F off, but a break up is a break up. So control your emotions when you are around her if you want to get back with her.

But a more effective, at least in my opinion, way to go about this particular issue that you are having is letting her go. She broke up with you, and for whatever reason that may be, at least for now, she has made her decision. It takes a lot of work for a female who loves someone to break up with them, and she might not want to see you because she is also trying to get over you and you should be trying to get over her. She cried because she feels bad about the whole thing, I am sure there were things she loved about you that she get reminded of when she sees you or she just gets sad because someone she loves is sad right next to her. Whatever the case may be, she is not going to want to hang out as much, because even though she may want to be your friend (which is BS, don't allow that to happen) she can't bear being around you since it just makes it harder to get over you.

Now, you need to start moving on! You are going to have to give yourself time to emotionally heal from this, and soon enough you will be able to look at the positive things around you, it is going to take a while, don't rush it, there is no quick fix to heart break, but heart break it is something that is always fixable. So, go out there and do your own thing, say thank you for the memories that you and your ex girlfriend have created together and move on to the next romantic chapter of your life, remember you are 17, and I am 19, not much difference at all, we have SOOO much time to experience the world man, let's go out there and explore it! This is our place of residence, and we are entitled to discover as many things as possible, so don't stop your life because of one. It was a good experience, thank her for it, and move on. If you want to make her happy, seeing you like that will make her feel that way, and maybe if it is meant to be between you two, she will come back. But don't wait for it, just live your life, and if it doesn't happen we have a lot of time to find someone that fulfills every discipline that we are looking for in a female. She will come one day, but not if you keep your eyes closed simply because you are heart broken. This is another experience, a hurtful one, but it is only hurtful because of the beautiful things that were shared. Cherish them, don't ever forget them, but go out there and CREATE more of them!

Good Luck,

Javi

I prefer the term "letting go"... redirect your energies and focus on yourself.
Let what Javi wrote down sink in... there's really nothing more to add, so big dido from me.
Good luck!