So here's the problem, I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. I am 20 he is 23. We are expecting our first child in February-unexpected. We both have jobs and are in school.

For the past couple years our sex life has been slowly but surely going down. When we first got together it was all the time and then BAM 6 months after that, once a week... then twice a month... then once a month... and now I'm lucky if I get it once every couple months. We don't kiss, nothing. It feels more to me like we are room mates rather than partners. I already feel fat as is being that I'm pregnant and this lowers myself esteem even more.

I have asked him what the deal is before I got pregnant and said "Nothing, just dont think about it that much". Now however I don't know what to think. He says he's still interested in me and attracted and that he's notttt freaked out by the baby. So I don't know what to think. I mean no sex life? At all? I can't even put moves on him, he just ignores me and says no. He told me today that he's just not interested in sex anymore... what exactly does that mean? He uses the excuse of stress and tired. But that's hardly an excuse considering I work twice as much and go to school twice as much.

I need help, I don't know what to do =(.

Sadly stress and being tired are excuses. Everyone has their own limits. His limits on how he deals with stress and still maintain a libido might be significantly lower than yours. I suspect, based on your information, that these are more crutches than actual reasons at this point.

Before I get into more detailed explanation of what I expect is going on, I have to ask what his habits are. He is a student, regardless of what you do that is a tough life coupled with a pregnant wife and a job. I ain't making excuses for him. Does he smoke? Pot? Drugs? Alcohol? How is his physique? How about his over all health?

Men fib. He might say that he isn't concerned about having sex with a pregnant lady, but chances are he might be a little freaked out by it. There might be other reasons that he is afraid sound lame. An example you changed your hair colour and he prefers the old colour and just isn't attracted, or you're too bushy, or something stupid. Just examples.

It does honestly sound like he is trying to emotionally distance himself from you. It sounds like he is trying to find a way to decouple himself from you. Which is going to be hard when the baby comes along. I am not sure if he realizes he is doing this, but he seems to be.

What do you do at this point? I would suggest you talk to him to figure out what is going on. I am not sure how fruitful that will be but explain your feelings beginning to end. Get the truth from him. Get him to a doctor as well. If nothing pans out from this. Try couples counselling.

I think the major piece of advice I have is to have a backup plan for raising this child alone. Start thinking and planning for that. Pray the best outcome here, but plan for the worst.

I really feel for you.

Thank you so much for your response. To answer your question he doesn't smoke nor drink, may have a beer occasionally but that's it. He is in good shape, doesn't exercise daily though(never has). I know he stresses easily, but I mean this has been going on for a while and seems to only be getting worse. Hes normally a quiet guy and I'm the opposite and can't keep anything to myself, so when I'm upset about things, this for example, he knows. So having said that, I have sat down with him plenty of times and said things to the point of "I wont get mad I just want to know whats going on and if I could help". He just says no and pushes me a way. And when we do have sex, its always in the back of my mind that he's doing it to shut me up.

My hormones are crazy as it is and to honest I am craving attention from him. I don't consider myself ugly and I don't think he does either but I think for him all this is different. To me there needs to be some sex in a relationship in order for a relationship to stay alive and not turn into a "room mate" thing. To him, I don't know what he thinks.

I have thought about raising the baby by myself, but I just can't see that happening. He is so excited about the baby and glows when we talk about him. I love my boyfriend and can't picture my life without him, but not having a sex life takes a poll on me not feeling attractive and there's not that "bond" anymore. And me being pregnant, I believe that it more important than it has ever been. Plus its so hard trying and getting nothing back and to be honest its exhausting.

I hope you have already told him all this. If so, tell him again and say that this is something you two need to resolve, maybe not this week, but eventually. Ask him if he would be willing to go to a counselor with you and also to go to a doctor; a 23 year old with no interest in sex may have a health problem.

Another cause of what you are experiencing that seems pretty common now is that young men find digital porn and masturbation "easier" than making love. Is that a possibility?

It's a good idea to bring up a counselor and a doctor. I am afraid however that he will take offense to it and feel like I'm "looking more into this situation than what I need to". I'm just at the point to where I just don't know what to do and he doesn't help by not talking to me about it and just ignoring the situation that obviously bothers me.

As far as digital porn and masturbation, I just don't know. I have ask him this as well. He says that he doesn't do it and has no need to look at porn. However, a year or so ago, I found numerous amounts of porn on his computer, I confronted him, and he said he was "bored". But all that was before we lived together. Now that we live together, its hard to say if he does or not. I personally have never seen him do it but I have noticed some provocative pictures and websites on his computer, which I know is normal for a 23 year old. I just wish he would tell me about it instead of lying or trying to cover it up.

A part of me thinks that he's just not attracted to me and feels just "attached" now that we are having a child. Another part feels like maybe he does watch porn and masturbates because its less of a hassle. And the other part feels like he's telling the truth and just doesn't feel in the mood to do it because of the baby coming in a couple months, school work, and his work.

OKay. It really sounds like he is physically good in so much as there doesn't seem to be any huge red flags.

I don't know if you have or haven't tried this at this point. Have you tried switching up the times you have sex? Ie in the morning, afternoon or when you get home from school? A lot of us tend to get into the habit of doing it right before bed so when we are the most tired. Some of the tired can be helped by varying the times you have sex. Don't be afraid to initiate. Pull him away form what he is doing and lay him right. Sorry for being blue there, but something to try. :-)

I get the feeling that he doesn't understand the severity of the situation. He might feel that this just the same old song and not give it the attention you need. The counselling might impress upon him the depth of the problem. He's making a mole hill of the mountain.

It also seems that you have mismatched libidos. I know, but it had to be said. You can deal with it by getting yourself off. Dildos and vibrators are wondrous things. Find a way to quell your desire.

About men and porn. We all have it, for the most part at least. He is probably embarrassed about it. He feels that he needs to hide it considering the situation. He will lie and cover it up. It is acceptable but still a little taboo. He isn't doing it to be malicious.

Counselling is the way to go, baring that you need to talk to him about how to satiate your desires and how your expectations aren't being lived up to.

If you aren't already, I am going to suggest you enroll in Lamaze and Parenting classes. While it may seem like adding more to your plate, Lamaze is extremely helpful getting a couple on the same page especially if you practice breathing together at home. It will also help make labor and delivery (regardless of how you deliver) more bearable.

Do you two show affection to each other when sex isn't expected?

What happens if you don't chase after him?

Do you masturbate?

I am going to suggest the couples counselling, it may be the only hope to get it across to him. I will probably give it a week or so, I don't want to seem like all I want to do is get on his case. It's so hard to read him sometimes, so I never know what he will say to my suggestions.

As far as initiating sex at certain times, it seems like I have tried it in every normal time-morning, lunch, or dinner. If its early, "I just woke up, can you give me a while?". Middle of the day, "I just want to relax". Night time, "I'm so tired, I just don't feel like it". Ugh, frustrating. It makes me afraid to try because of rejection.

As far as affection, this is how it goes- we give a kiss to each other before we leave for the day and when we go to bed. I have tried to give more in hopes he will get the idea to do it on his own-didnt work. When we kiss more than that a day, or when he initiates the kiss, I know sex is coming up and he finally wants it. Since my libido is so high, its hard to refuse. If I don't chase after him, nothing will happen and it will be at a standstill for months. I did that for about 4 months are so and we maybe had sex twice? When it comes to masturbation, I feel like there's no other option but to do it. I would prefer not to, but at the same time, how else can it happen?

I'm just at a standstill with my frustration and don't know what to do. I wish I could think of more things to try but it seems like I have tried everything under the sun. Maybe counseling issss the only way?

I know couples who go years at a time without sex. I personally would be climbing the walls if I were you. Everybody's different. I don't think this is related to the baby, since it started before your pregnancy. I also understand why this doesn't feel like a great time to initiate a confrontation. This should be a time of happiness for both of you.

I second the Lamaze class.

I just have to say that I think two young adults who care for one another masturbating secretly and alone instead of making love to one another is very sad.

Sounds like your drive is higher than his.

The sex at the front side of a relationship often masks (unintentionally) the real baseline level drive of a partner in some cases. For ex, I had a Big Love that ultimately failed Big Time. Sex was key issue. We had very, very different times of interest. I naturally was a late nighter, she was a morning girl. Which meant, in time, id wake up at 4am cause something is better than nothing. Maybe. Or not.

Truth was we were just a bad match sexually. I'm more than willing to chase and chase hard, but I prefer some feedback. Some secondary chasing. Some tangible desire shown. She just couldn't do this.

So... it doesn't matter how much you work. If he feels tired and stressed... he might be. Some people are amped to do twice the work for the same level of stress. Happens everyday.

But ultimately you both need to talk to each other, have it not defensive, and find some middle ground.

And unfortunately, I think he's the one that might cause this to fall through.