I have been with my wife for almost 16 years (married since 2004). We have had some challenges in our relationship but I have no doubt that we both have some very positive and very similar redeeming qualities and views which I feel make us compatible. Romantically, she is everybit as beautiful as the day that I met her and more. Her passionate hugs (when I used to receive them) were the greatest feeling that I had ever experienced however now she says that she cannot be close to me. She has emotionally checked out of our relationship but I desperate want her back. I am confident that we are meant to be together. How do I win her back and how do I know if my efforts are working?

You need to find out why she is emotionally detached from you. It sounds like you don't have a clue if you think 'winning her back' is your only option. Flowers and chocolate won't do it.

Start by realizing that it takes time, and resulting distance, to pull away from what used to be a loving relationship. There is a reason, or reasons for that.

Maybe it is stress related, the job, or the kids (if you have kids), health problems, lack of a sense of being equal in that she is pulling most of the load in the relationship, etc.

Until you talk to her, you won't know what you are trying to overcome, to regain her emotional commitment to you. Try to see this as an opportunity to learn, and listen, before it is too late, and too much time has passed without trying to resolve the problems.

And there are problems. That you don't see them, doesn't mean they don't exist.

Suggest marriage counselling. Maybe there are things going on with her that she would be more likely and more willing to discuss with a counsellor, where she knows she will be heard. For all you know, maybe she thinks you are the one who has become emotionally distant. Neither of you will get anywhere, without figuring out why there is a hole in the damn, and if you don't take active steps to get to the truth, there will be no turning back.

Her lack of emotion, or her emotional detachment from you, may have nothing to do with you. You may only be seeing the effects of what could be a million things that are causing this. That you aren't seeing it, is the problem, no matter where the reason lies.

Not a fault, just an observation on my part, from what you've said. I would expand your effort to include some serious talks, at least, and hopefully, counselling as well.

Hi Jake. Thank-you for your assessment. There are 2 young kids involved (adding to the demands of the day). I think that a large part of the problem is that she was depressed for a prolonged period and I had my head in the sand and did not notice.

I need to find a way to break her hard outer shell. I believe that we have the basis for a strong healthy relationship if I can just get her to give me another chance. How do I convince her to just get out with me to do something fun together?

I can think of all kinds of things. Arrange a babysitter without her knowing. If you can get her mother, or sister, all the better to then arrange to go to nice hotel not too far away. Pre arrange to see a show, or dinner or a movie, or live theatre, with dinner and drinks! Take her back to the hotel room after a great night of fun, and have a nice gift to give her- wrapped, something engraved. Even 'I Love You'. After that I don't think you need instructions from me how to conclude the night lol

It will take some planning, and if you can't get someone to sit the kids overnight, do a lovely evening out, and just go home afterward.

Take her out of the house! Out of the same old routine, and liven up just one night together. Then arrange the babysitter for every other Friday night, and go out. Not so elaborate, but just out. Coffee, visiting friends, Christmas shopping, a walk in the park, anything. Tell her that you need that time with her, just her.

If that doesn't crack the ice, I don't know what will. Good luck.

I am getting a real strong sense that my wife is throwing in the towel but not yet saying anything until she has either put everything in motion to move out or worse, move in with another man. She lies next to me a night but clearly cannot stand to be near me, I ask her for a kiss and her body language shows that it is the most disgusting thing that she has ever done. I don't want it to be over because my heart clearly wants her love. I just know that we would be stronger and happier in life together but I am struggling for an opportunity to get warmth from her. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to stop trying because then she will clearly move on but at the same time, how do I know when it just isn't going to happen? Do I keep trying for a month? 6 months? She acts as though I am dead to her. There is a lot of suspicious behaviour and my gut tells me that she just isn't being truthful to me. She spends a lot of time on the internet - if something is going on, I don't want to find out by looking at her computer - I want her to be honest with me. 15+ years should at least warrant that much. PLEASE help me make sense of this great big mess!

Well, that paints a little more to the story.

If you think that something is going on, either she is moving out, or moving in with another man, then you should take immediate steps to secure your assets, or at least be very, very careful to details on your bank statements, credit cards, lines of credit, loans, etc You could, if you wanted to, hire a private detective to see if your suspicions are correct. If they are, and if you do hire a PI, be prepared for the results.

You may have to be a little more assertive here. Ask her if she can manage 45 minutes on Tuesday, and go out for coffee in a quiet place. Have a heart to heart with her, tell her that her behaviou confuses you. Ask her if there is another man in the picture, is she planning to move out, etc. Without accusing her, tell her straight up thatyou are desperately trying to find answers as to why she is so unhappy. Also be prepared for what she may choose to tell you.

This can't go on forever. Tell her that you want to go to marriage counselling, and make the arrangements yourself. Give her the appointment times, and get a sitter to cover the kids. If she chooses not to go, either go yourself, or keep the first few appointments, and see if she doesn't start to go when she realizes you are serious.

Failing any obvious attempts at getting honest answers from her, and if she still wiill not reveal the source or cause of her unhappiness with you and your marriage together, then I would seek a legal separation. That does not necessarily mean the end, it only means you are being smart, and keeping things out in the open, and legal.

I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better, or at least less hopeless, and I do hope that you get the answers you need, and soon

I am really appreciating your help. I cannot go to family/friends on these matters as I know that they will take a biased approach in my favour but it is not necessarily what I need to hear. My wife refused counselling. She denies any interest in another man but let's face it, we are all human and if we are not getting the warmth from one place then there is a high probability that it is coming from another. She is high into personal fitness lately and dressing very sexy which she claims is because she is starting to feel like a woman again (just started working again in Sept after over 5 years) - this could be legit and I might not read too much into this if it wasn't for all the other things going on (distance, internet usage, etc). She seems to have perhaps 5% of her emotions tied into me but she has already stated that 6 months from now, she expects to have her own place. I really want to build on that 5% but it is really difficult. She won't go out to lunch/dinner, won't go to YukYuk's or movies or really anthing where the kids are not involved. I asked her for one last chance and although she has not given me an answer, when I tried to hold her hand her comment was that "I am not a switch" - I read this to possibly imply that she is considering giving me a chance and that perhaps her heart is not invested but that is not to say that I will never be.

Things seem so incredibly complicated - all I know is that there is a very slight chance and I am hoping to give it a try but I am taking a massive emotional beating in the process.

I can see some parts here that are familiar to me. I stayed home many years to raise my own children, until they were able to stay on their own a few hours before and after school. Until you have invested that much, and sacrificed that much (in many ways), it is hard for many to realize that it isn't a 'luxury' to stay home.

It is also difficult to re-enter the work force. Everything changes, and even more so after a long period. Skills are outdated, jobs are done differently, learning the art of even conversing with adults, socializing again, getting and receiving compliments for work well done. It is really a huge ego boost to get back out there again.

It is also a feeling of empowerment and a feeling of freedom, that you do not have when you stay home. You aren't earning your own money, even though it is joint, and losing touch with all that goes with being in the work force makes you feel like you've been forgotten all the way around.

So, maybe some of this is just her finding her own sense of independence again, and she needs more time to adjust to being in both worlds.

Her internet usage is curious though. Do you have any idea what she's doing online? That too could be, or could have been, her source of 'outside' contacts. It is both a blessing and a curse it seems, because there are a lot of needy people in cyberland, who find each other.

I don't know why she would be reluctant to try counselling. While 16 years is a very long marriage in this day and age, I have been married 35 years, and if one of us had hit such a confusing wall, I would have insisted on counselling to sort it out. That there is an obvious block between you, and she isn't budging to fix it, may indicate that there is more to this change she has taken on with now being out the home.

Cracking that mysterious block, is not going to be easy, if it can be done at all. Why has she said six months and she'll be out. What happens between now and then. And why, if she is the one that has given up on the marriage, are you not seeking some sort of legal counsel to ensure that she doesn't break the bank before she goes. It will also be necessary to hash out custody and schedules for visitation.

I think it might be easier for you now, (as hard as it is), to realize that if you just sit and wait for things to get better, they may very well not. And come six months from now, or sooner, you will be in a much better place if you are well informed as to what to expect. Please be prepared.

If in the meanwhile, she is starting to think about saving her marriage, think about making a few conditions of your own, starting with counselling. That is the least that she should be willing to do.

Through these discussions, I am beginning to realize that although it is clear that I was difficult and unappreciative, any hope for the future does not lie with repairing the damage that was done in the past but rather with our ability to appreciate and support each other with who we have become. She has very much grown into a woman that I have a great deal of admiration for and I know that I have done much growing myself - not to mention, I have become a much more positive and understanding person. I really hope that I can help her see how we do have substance there and that we can have a great future together - I suppose the uncertainty is with how far she has convinced herself that she does not want a future with me. It is hard for me to think clearly but I really wish that she could truthfully communicate how she is feeling and what she is thinking so that I am better equipped to respond. I am so totally convinced that if she does call it quits that she is throwing away something that I know would be great.