Really want to hear from the ladies on this one!

I'm dating a 35 yr old woman at the moment that seems to be friends with many exes. Among her male friends, the vast majority of them are people she's had relationships with in the past. These relationships have generally lasted a few months to less than a year. Some more information and context for everyone:

By friends I mean - being in fairly regular contact (email, phone) ranging from as frequent as several times a week in some cases to once a month in others. And, meeting up for coffee or drinks as frequently as weekly in some cases to once every couple of months in other cases.

I've not been good at, nor really wanted to remain friends with my exes after breaking up. For me, after sharing that level of intimacy and determining that she's not right for me or vice versa it's just difficult to remain friends. A breakup is almost never truly mutual and my experience has been that one person usually still harbors some level of feeling for the other.

Admittedly, this all makes me a little uncomfortable because it's not how I operate. I'm not saying it's wrong, but I am trying to better understand it all. What I really want to know is what is a woman's motivation for remaining friends with an ex - what do they get out of it? I do believe that people develop relationships with others (whether romantic or friendship) because they get something from that relationship - companionship, security, laughter, etc.

So, the question for the ladies out there is - what is your motivation fro remaining friends with an ex?

It really depends on the situation...

What is your situation?

I wouldn't say "many" but I'm in contact with my ex husband. We met when we were 19 and were together for 8 years. I don't "get anything out of it" besides the comfort of being with someone who shared my life for so long and knows me so well, who cares about me and who won't ever try to flirt with me like the regular male friends can do.

I like talking to him because I know we aren't in love with each other anymore. We consumed everything we could, tried every way to make it work and it didn't. What remains after a relationship (only when both parts have no feelings at all for each other) is friendship - being friends in the first place helps - and that is a valuable gift.

But I can say he is the only exception for me. There are many other reasons people stay "friends" with ex-boyfriends :

- "Win" the break-up, especially if you are the dumpee; staying in contact to show them how great your life is compared to theirs, show off your new boyfriend who is way more attractive than they are, etc.

- Friends with benefits, whatever the "benefits" are. It can be sex, money, even for the ego boost, you accept seeing them, you keep them around and let them tell you you're beautiful... even though you know you will never date them again.

- Curiosity and/or back-up plan. Add fear of being hated to that.

And sometimes (you can see lots of examples here) women remain friends with their ex-boyfriends because they are selfish *****s who don't care how much it hurts the ex to be in contact. All this works for men too, by the way.

Just wanting that person in your life because once upon a time they meant a lot to you and even though now your just friends you still want them there in your life because you will still care about them (but not love them) and want to know that life is good to them.

At first I thought, well, maybe your girlfriend is such a good and mature person that she chose good partners in the past, to the point where when the relationship part broke down, she was able to maintain friendships with them. Not all relationships break up badly, or all relationships that end, necessarily mean that a friendship can never happen. She's proof that they do.

So you are with a woman who has male friends, not male lovers, but male friends. Several of them, the vast majority of her ex's, as you said.

The other side of this coin is, I can understand that you would be bothered with her spending time with these men, on a regular, casual basis. When you say frequently meeting some for drinks, and frequently emailing or being in contact, that seems to me to be a woman who is not in a committed relationship with you. If the situation were reversed, and it was you with several ex girlfriends, and you were meeting up for drinks, frequently, and in continuous contact with them, I would say you do not seem to be in a committed relationship.

Maybe this is a situation where you can't have your cake and eat it too sort of thing.

If, on the other hand, these men that she is often in contact with, also have partners of their own, why is it not a couples thing. If they do have partners of their own, and I was one of those partners, It wouldn't make me too happy that my boyfriend is having frequent personal contact with an ex girlfriend, let alone several ex girlfriends. If these ex boyfriends' girlfriends do know about the frequent contact, and they aren't bothered by it is one thing, but I suspect that they don't. Especially meeting for drinks. That's a bit much.

So what are you left with. Maybe it all amounts to a hill of beans. Maybe there is nothing going on at all. Maybe the partners of these men know, and don't have a problem with your girlfriend meeting up with their boyfriends, without them. But, for me, in my opinion, it would make me uncomfortable. And I understand why you would be.

Why not see if there can't be more of a couples thing that can happen here. Make an invitation, or extend an invite to her male friends, and their partners. Have everybody over for a barbecue and an evening of watching a hockey game or something. If you can see your girlfriend being comfortable with this (and why wouldn't she), and the ex boyfriends are comfortable bringing their girlfriends along, then that will set your mind at ease.

But if that doesn't happen, and what is going on feels inappropriate to you, or makes you uncomfortable, you don't need any other reason. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel.

Her lifestyle includes many ex boyfriends that she contacts, has drinks with, and stays in touch with, now, ostensibly, as just friends. Most ofher relationships have lasted only a few months, to less than a year as she's told you. Perhaps there is a reason for that. If it has already been a few months now, for you, and she is not making changes and moving toward one relationship with one man, you are now moving into the same place of importance as all the others.

And if her history repeats itself, again, and you find yourself moved to the 'friend' category, instead of boyfriend category, best you cut your losses and move on.

How long have you known her, and what's the nature of the relationship? Big difference between dating, and getting to know each others ways, and being in a committed mutually exclusive relationship. From a guys point of view, I never expect a female to just stop doing her thing for me early on, and change her lifestyle, until we had gotten to the point of agreeing to be an exclusive couple, and set boundaries, and ground rules for good behavior together.

Some females get along with exes, as do guys, and some have more male friends than females, again, as do guys. Some have different ideas as to what's appropriate, than others. We are all unique in some ways so I imagine we all have a different reason for being the way we are.

One thing I have learned, you can't change a person, you can only deal with the way they are and accept them for who they are, and if you cannot, you give them distance, and space until you can.