Ask Me Help Desk - Please help: Threats of divorces, and kicking me out

Husband, and I decided 9 years ago that I leave my job at the police department to become a stay at home mom. He is a police officer. We dated 2 years, and married for 13 years. From my point of view our relationship started going down hill when my daughter was born. He totally ignored me, and used a lot of mental tactics on me making me feel like I am crazy. When our 2nd child was born a year later things just seems to be the same. He ended up volunteering to go to the middle east no made but volunteered, and left me home with two small children. He left his friend who turned out to be a fox, and worked his magic on me, and we slept together. This was over 5 years ago. My husband since then has found out and chose to work out our marriage for our children's sake, and said that I needed to basically serve him to make him happy. Well, it's now 2010, and he still treats me like crap, and hasn't attempted to work things out with me, and says that everything is my fault and that he spark between us is gone, and that he still loves me. He has saids stuff to me through out our marriage that gets me confused all the time. He wants me to service him, and give into his whim. All I have always wanted to do is make him happy. I did things Geisha's would do. Since we have met he has constantly tries to get me to do a threesome with him. I was stupid and just went along with his pipe dream (it didn't happen). He is constantly asking me for one. What I don't understand is he gets mad at me for sleeping with a man and yet he is wanting me to have a threesome! Anyway, through out our marriage with kids I have been the sole child raising person. He is always working or he takes vacation time for himself to go hunting. He always tells me that I have to plan stuff for myself with out using him. I have always felt like a single parent. Anyway, today 2010 he is pissed off at me because I don't show any interest with his hunting or him fixing up his truck. I just get irritated with hearing his voice. He has a know it all attitude, and that he is correct all the time. Well, he is mad at me, and has threatened again divorce, and says I have to move into my parents home, and will loose the kids. He said I will leave this marriage with nothing just like I entered it. Can he do this? Can he kick me out. We bought the house together in 97 and since then refinanced it in his name because I do not have income. In the past he has tried to keep my name off the titles of vehicles and boats. He makes me feel of kilter, and I sometime feel like he uses his police skills against me. I need help. Can he use what happen over 5 years ago against me? Please help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by a_meg

Husband, and I decided 9 years ago that I leave my job at the police department to become a stay at home mom. He is a police officer. We dated 2 years, and married for 13 years. From my point of view our relationship started going down hill when my daughter was born. He totally ignored me, and used a lot of mental tactics on me making me feel like I am crazy. When our 2nd child was born a year later things just seems to be the same. He ended up volunteering to go to the middle east no made but volunteered, and left me home with two small children. He left his friend who turned out to be a fox, and worked his magic on me, and we slept together. This was over 5 years ago. My husband since then has found out and chose to work out our marriage for our childrens sake, and said that I needed to basically serve him to make him happy. Well, it's now 2010, and he still treats me like crap, and hasn't attempted to work things out with me, and says that everything is my fault and that he spark between us is gone, and that he still loves me. He has saids stuff to me through out our marriage that gets me confused all the time. He wants me to service him, and give into his whim. All I have always wanted to do is make him happy. I did things Geisha's would do. Since we have met he has constantly tries to get me to do a threesome with him. I was stupid and just went along with his pipe dream (it didn't happen). He is constantly asking me for one. What I don't understand is he gets mad at me for sleeping with a man and yet he is wanting me to have a threesome! Anyways, through out our marriage with kids I have been the sole child raising person. He is always working or he takes vacation time for himself to go hunting. He always tells me that I have to plan stuff for myself with out using him. I have always felt like a single parent. Anyways, today 2010 he is pissed off at me because I don't show any interest with his hunting or him fixing up his truck. I just get irritated with hearing his voice. He has a know it all attitude, and that he is correct all the time. Well, he is mad at me, and has threatened again divorce, and says I have to move into my parents home, and will loose the kids. He said I will leave this marriage with nothing just like I entered it. Can he do this? Can he kick me out. We bought the house together in 97 and since then refinanced it in his name because I do not have income. In the past he has tried to keep my name off the titles of vehicles and boats. He makes me feel of kilter, and I sometime feel like he uses his police skills against me. I need help. Can he use what happen over 5 years ago against me? Please help.

He can't use the affair "against" you - most states allow for a no-fault divorce.

Where are you located? Laws vary by region regarding marital property, child support and alimony.

I'm still struggling with the concept that you were able to buy the home originally together, but not refinance together - makes no sense. I don't see why the bank would want to release one individual of their responsibility entirely simply because she wasn't working any longer.

And stepping aside from the legal aspect, let me understand this: you had a sexual affair with your husband's friend but are complaining about doing things sexually for your husband, openly admit that you don't care about his interests - yet he's the one with the problem and the one treating you like crap? I just want to make sure I'm not misunderstanding what you've posted...

I have been a victim of sexual abuse, and rape since I was little, and tend to give in to men because I was taught as a child to do what your told, and be quiet. As far as my encounter with his friend. I was wrong, but he def knew what to say, do, and took advantage of a wife that was sad and depressed. Pure *******!! Anyway, I should have told my husband that I was not interested in his 3 some wishes when we first met. I was wrong for not speaking up, but I was afraid he wouldn't like me if I didn't agree with him. I always agree with him still to this day just to make things fine in the house. He is 12 years older than I am, and I dated him when I was 19. I feel he took advantage of a young girl who just wanted to make someone happy, and now this young girl has grown up.

As far as not caring for what his interests are I am meaning... Hunting, and fixing cars. It's getting old esp when he takes vacation time just for himself. So as far as I am concerned at this moment I don't care about what he has to say about stuff like that, and he is mad about it. He says I have an attitude problem, and that is why he is threatening divorce.

Yes, I may be a problem too, but I guess it's because he doesn't try anymore with me.

I could go on and on about my role as a wife. I have done stuff for him that other wives I have spoken too ask me why? I put him on a pedestal, and made him my world. He became spoiled, and that is my fault. He didn't reciprocate. I have been noticing it through out the years. I bathe the man, cut his toes nails, make his plate, leave a plate for him, he refuses to cook, and says when I do it it tastes better, he gets massages to the point my hands hurt, when he is sick he will not take medicine unless I give it to him, he says it's my fault he doesn't get his vitamins because I don't give it to him... The list can go on. I gave up my life for him, and he got mad that I made friends with my neighbors 2 years ago, and says I have been ignoring him. Which I have not been. He is cruel with his words, and takes sex from me when I don't want it even when I am sick with a 104 degree fever. He says it was hot! Then he has sex with me when I am a sleep! I woke up and he had already climax in me and was cleaning me up. I am tired of being used!

Quote:

Originally Posted by a_meg

I have been a victim of sexual abuse, and rape since I was little, and tend to give in to men because I was taught as a child to do what your told, and be quiet. As far as my encounter with his friend. I was wrong, but he def knew what to say, do, and took advantage of a wife that was sad and depressed. Pure *******!!! Anyways, I should of told my husband that I was not interested in his 3 some wishes when we first met. I was wrong for not speaking up, but I was afraid he wouldn't like me if I didn't agree with him. I always agree with him still to this day just to make things fine in the house. He is 12 years older than I am, and I dated him when I was 19. I feel he took advantage of a young girl who just wanted to make someone happy, and now this young girl has grown up.

As far as not caring for what his interests are I am meaning.... Hunting, and fixing cars. It's getting old esp when he takes vacation time just for him self. So as far as I am concerned at this moment I don't care about what he has to say about stuff like that, and he is mad about it. He says I have an attitude problem, and that is why he is threatening divorce.

Yes, I may be a problem too, but I guess it's because he doesn't try anymore with me.

I'm going to leave that first paragraph alone because I don't want to start an argument; if you want to blame your choices on your past, that's your decision.

Personally, I do think you have an attitude problem. You made a choice to marry this man and suddenly he's "uninteresting." Way to stand by your commitment.

You still haven't answered my question: where are you located? Nobody can properly advise you without knowing your locale - laws are very different from area to area.

What you can or can't keep or get will depend on the laws of the state where you live ( if you even live in the US)
The issue of the affair may or may not be brought up, when it comes to child custody, *** they can get very nasty with every sexual act or anything you do brought out into court if it gets into a very dirty fight.

You need to first decide what you are going to do, if you want to separate to see what will happen, talk to an local attorney about your specific rights in you area.

I would first try and find employment outside of the house hold. It will give you some stability in your life, and its all yours. Make sure when you do find one, that he doesn't talk you into quiting.

I can tell by reading your post that you are at your wits end. You need someone to talk to and who can give you some ideas. Either try some counseling or your clergy. Now there should be sometype of program through your husband work for discount counseling, talk to his HR dept. See if he would like to go with you, that it might help save your marriage. You never know he may surprise you and actually go.

I would stop being this man's mother ASAP. If he ask just explain that you are his wife, not his mother. He will need to start making sure all on his own to take his darn vitamin, tell him if he isn't a big enough boy to swollow,you will call the doctor and ask about vitamin suppositories.

You having an affair was a break in your vows, but he is the one who choose to stay with you. If he couldn't forgive you then he should have just divorced you, but sounds like he thinks you should make it up to him for rest of your life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by answerme_tender

I would first try and find employment outside of the house hold. It will give you some stability in your life, and its all yours. Make sure when you do find one, that he doesnt talk you into quiting.

I can tell by reading your post that you are at your wits end. You need someone to talk to and who can give you some ideas. Either try some counseling or your clergy. Now there should be sometype of program through your husband work for discount counseling, talk to his HR dept. See if he would like to go with you, that it might help save your marriage. You never know he may surprise you and actually go.

I would stop being this man's mother ASAP. If he ask just explain that you are his wife, not his mother. He will need to start making sure all on his own to take his darn vitamin, tell him if he isnt a big enough boy to swollow,you will call the doctor and ask about vitamin suppositories.

You having an affair was a break in your vows, but he is the one who choose to stay with you. If he couldnt forgive you then he should of just divorced you, but sounds like he thinks you should make it up to him for rest of your life.

I disagree with you. I read into her post that she's at her wit's end but it's not 100% her husband's fault. She is just as much to blame for this as he is. The fact that she blames her past on her choosing to have sex with her husband's friend, rather than her own doing, speaks volumes.

I don't think he expects her to be his "mother" - I think the two of them have major issues communicating and telling her that her husband is wrong without hearing both sides of the story is a very critical mistake. What do you think her husband would have to say if he came across this site?