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I need your opinion on something. I have decided to go 60 days without talking to my ex cold turkey and I have a pad with 60 days checked off on it and at the end of it I wrote, do as you please, meaning if I still felt like contacting the ex, then I could after day 60. I check the days off as I go along and now am on day 4. Do you think this is a good idea or a bad idea?
I don't think it's a bad idea. But if she calls you, talk to her. Just stay away from the being needy and missing her stuff if she does.
Why are you projecting valuable energy in a dead situation... if she is your ex, the relationship is redefined... she is an ex... it is over for the two of you... you can still enjoy a healthy friendship if you both so agree... but marking a calendar is too time consuming, it is prohibiting you from releasing your ex... somehow this calendar is allowing you to remain connected to her by self induced mental processing, which means, you are not ready to release her, therefore, this countdown allows you to think of her less, so you think,, each day she consumes you thought until at the end of 60 days, you can reward yourself and contact her... why do you need to do so... relax, release, let her go... allow another woman to be basked with the joy of enjoying you
Well you make a good point. I just haven't been able to go longer than 3 or 4 days without calling her to say hello so I thought if I set a goal it would keep me from backtracking. I do not want to have any desire to call her at day 60. Im just trying to set a level that I have to reach so when a vulnerable moment hits then I will be strong and stick to my plan. I agree with what you say I just feel that enough will happen in those 60 days that I will be over it by the time that day gets here. Every time I check a day off without slipping up I feel better about it. Hopefully I am not using it as a way to still be connected but you may be right.
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Originally Posted by Copperhead6
It is interesting that you used the phrase 'cold turkey' copperhead6, it is almost as if you see your ex as some kind of drug that fulfilled your life. I suppose love is a drug and we all crave that so in some way I do understand why you used that phrase but remember that if you make the girlfriend your world, your whole life, then things are sure to fail. I am not saying that is what you did categorically but it is something to think about. I think that you are hurting bad at the moment and reaching out for all the answers you can in the hope that there is a way to get her (your ex) back. I also understand this because I went through the same thing and 4 months ago, I was asking the same questions and following the idea that No Contact would make my ex eventually come back. Eventually, I began to see that No Contact is not for any purpose other than to heal and to get emotionally healthy again. I have many people here at AMHD to thank for that as if they had not offered me the support I had then I would probably be following the same negative patterns. I am afraid that there is nothing that will bring your ex back other than her actually wanting to come back and that has to come from within herself. No contact may possibly make her miss you, but don't count on that!! You need to get to the stage where you can completely let go of her and accept that it is probably over---Forever. I am sorry if this hurts and I understand your pain only too well. At 1 month post breakup, you are probably still becoming mentally resigned to the reality of the situation. You are possibly still in a state of denial or shock and are using anything you can to hold on to the hope that she will come back. This may be the reason why you feel the need to mark the days off on a calender and set yourself targets. Whilst this may seem logical, I don't think it is the best away to go about things.. How will you feel if after the 60 days, you reward yourself by contacting her only to be told by her that she wishes to be left alone or worse, she tells you she is dating someone else. That would hurt bad and you would be right back to square one again. The best way to approach No Contact is just to do it, cut her out of your life completely, a calender won't really serve much purpose, it will just mean that on a daily basis you will be ticking off the days while thinking of her. It could actually debilitate your own healing. At 4 months post break-up I am much further than I ever felt I could be 3 months ago, yet I do still have my down times and yes, I do still miss my ex but the idea of her coming back seems to get less and less as time goes on... Thats it really, Time!!.
Time will help heal the wounds. I know that you were with her for just 9 months, but even at this length of time, you are likely to have built a strong foundation of feelings for her so therefore it will take some time to get over her. You must allow yourself as much time as necessary for you as an individual. There are no strict limits on how long it should take. I saw a quote somewhere of allowing 2 months for each year you were together. I think however, it really does depend on the individual and how they cope with grieving and loss. It also depends on how emotionally invested you were with this person. If one loses another that they were in love with, then it will take considerable more time to get over than if they simply only cared for that person. Grief is grief though and you are going to feel it. I can give you the comforting thought that you WILL get through this and you have the strength to MOVE ON and there is light at the end of this very long tunnel, you just have to build up the courage to ride through it.
All the best!
Sorry if this post was rather long..
I really like the 60 day calender part as long as your doing positive things for yourself. The contacting the ex at the end? Naw, I can't go with that at this time, no way. Get through the 60 days and then you may be able to be honest with yourself. If you don't mind posting for the forum then others can share their views and gain insights.
Yea I think you guys are right. I'm going to keep doing the calendar thing for the next week or two and then probably just scrap it all together because I won't see the point in wasting the energy on someone that is in my past. I do love this girl and thought for sure she was the one however I have always been able to turn my attention to a new girl pretty quickly when one starts treating me good and I am attracted to. Im sure you guys will caution against a rebound girl but I've always thought it was good for my confidence and makes me want to leave the last girl in the past. For some reason being on this website and reading all of the great post has really calmed me with my situation and my breakup.
I know what you mean Copper, In my day there was no site like this, Heck we didn't even have computers. All I had was a calculator LOL, but don't sit dejected there are no rules against having fun with other females as long as you enjoy them and are honest. Does every time a female smiles mean you have to fall in love ad stop having fun? No it doesn't. So screw your head on and enjoy your youth, just don't jump into anything with out looking first. Life is about livig .
This website provided me with a huge amount of support from a wide range of people. It is good to know that there are people out there who care and can provide the support you need.
It is up to you if you enter a new relationship so soon, I would caution you, yes that this would likely be a rebound. I must say, is it fair to use someone else so that you can get over the ex? I could not do that, you must remember that there is plenty of time to get into another relationship. You could perhaps date other girls but maybe just keep it as friendship. Trouble comes when you start making things serious and you have too much emotional baggage at the moment that you would carry into another relationship. The problem is that the girl you meet who is essentially the rebound is going to get hurt in the long run as the likelihood is that the relationship will fail. I have no crystal ball and cannot say I am right for sure, but I think there is a good chance it would fail. Try to think about it from the opposite side, would you like to be a rebound?
I think you must heal alone, but with the support of your friends and family who will hopefully be there for you in your time of need. On top of this, you have some great people here that will help you as much as possible by providing advice and points of view where required. At the end of the day, it is your decision how you deal with the healing process and nobody can say "don't do this and don't do that!" You have choices and the consequences to deal with as a result of these choice. It is the beautiful thing about living in that we do have the choices in our lives and as an adult, we also have to learn from mistakes and making bad choices/decisions. This is all part of growing up, I don't think there is anything wrong with making mistakes because we ALL do but we must learn to LEARN from them and come out the other side a stronger and wiser person. Crikey, have I just gone on a wild tangent there.. LOL:D
You will be fine... I guarantee it.
Yea I agree. I think you know when it is time to move on and are capable of getting emotionally involved with another woman. A week and a half after we broke up I went on a date with a girl I had met through a friend thinking yea this will make me feel lots better but half way through the date I was pretty much just out of it emotionally and decided that I was going to put off dating until I was ready. I am feeling closer to being ready but should probably just keep waiting and getting stronger. Its funny, I thought I was grown up, and have learned more about pain in the last month than I thought I ever would.
You never stop learning. If you do you die. Or at the very least you exist but don't live. I've been where you've been as has everyone here. The first big break ups always sting the worst because you've invested so much of yourself, more than you ever have before and when it's gone your left in a state of shock. You've never felt that before so it's all new to you. Your at least being emotionally healthy about this in that you asking for advice and listening and following through on it. Those are steps in the right direction, even if it doesn't feel right, at the moment trust us, we've all been there. So many people ignore the advice given to them and make things ten times worse for themselves and don't understand why it went wrong.Quote:
Originally Posted by Copperhead6
I like and dislike you original idea. The positive is that it shows you can go each day for a total of 60 but at the same time it forces you to focus on her which your going to have her thoughts pop up anyway so encourage it. After my first big break up after 2 1/2 with a woman I was just talking about her to people all the time non stop. People started avoiding me and any time I brought it up I would get this look from many different people, of "oh God not again." After awhile I realized I was drivng people away so I actually made a conscious effort not to talk about her. Any time a opening in coversation opened up where I could make a joke about her I bit my tongue. Anytime I someone said something that reminded me of her I kept it to myself. The funny thing was I was doing this to not drive away all my friends but it also actually helped me move on. The more I consciously ignored bringing her up the more I focused on what was going on currently in my life.
Now I didn't have this site or friends that could offer me this advice but basically I stubbled on this by trying not drive away my friends, and that is focus on anything but her. Her memory will pop up espically now that this is all new but when it does consciously replace it with something else. At some point the memories will pop up less and less.
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