Hi there I have this thing that is bothering me... I dated this guy almost 5yrs ago we even had a child together... he broke up with me when I was pregnant for another woman, whom they are still together till today. He is a good dad & all & takes care of his baby very well. He hurt me so much, sometimes when I rememeber what he took me through when I was pregnant I cry. The thing is we are from different cultures & his culture doesn't allow him to marry outside, I think he still cares or loves me, because since we broke up he still reaches out to me asking whether am OK, asking whether I need anything, anything I have wanted he has provided, if I need to vent I know I can count on him. Practically anything he will do for me, he is a nice guy & potential, he has a girlfriend though, they aren't married nor have kids together. All my friends & family think he still cares & loves me because of everything he does for me, he goes above & beyond. If he was I think he would leave the other woman right? Anyway question is, do you think I should leave this guy alone & move on, because in a way I think because he is around that's why its hard for me to move on & then we have a baby together & we actually at times we do things together as a family. What should I do?

Hello taliman,

I'm new here on this page and I couldn't respond to your answer from yesterday because it says the question was closed..
So this is not the right topic to add my comment, but I still hope you can help meout with advice...

Wel, you responded to me that going out every 3 weeks with the fellas was not much at all etc. I try to explain my point of you so you would understand where Im coming from.

Im not sure if this is a cultural difference or not (Im German, he is American), but anyway going to a club every few weeks is too much for my taste. It is a place where women try to get men and its like he´s putting himself into situations where he shouldn't be. When I say this, he gets mad because he says he's not doing anything and can control himslef, he says he's really only going there to chill with the boys. But my thing is, why does that have to be at a club? There are bars, restaurants, sportsbars etc. where you can do that, why go to a club that is 90% a hook-up-place. Even if he doesn't do anything (and I believe him that), I don't feel comfortable if my man is in such an environment, where chicks are trying to talk to him every 2 miutes. I think this is reasnoable thinking, right? Why does a man go to a single place on a regular basis?

Me myself I go out nce in like 2 or 3 months , because I don't want to put myself in a situation where he feels comfortable me being in. He always tells me I should go out, but then if I do I can tell he's jealous. He just doesn't want me not to go, because then it would fall back to him. That is what I thin.

Well, yesterday I addressed this topic twice, asking him if we could find a compromise that he wouldn't go as regularly, just a little less. He got heated because he feels I'm trying to age him in, BUT that is not th case. I only asked himto do less the clubbing, because it makes me feel uncomfortable. His answer was that he doesn't do anything in there and he doesn't see why I am telling him what to do and not to do, and that every 3 weeks is not much, and he will go out when he wants to and if that's something I want to break up about then I should go ahead... that really threw me off! I never said anything about breaking up, I told him that I don't WANT to but his reaction really is cold-hearted and hurts me. Why couldn't he just say OK babe, I go a little less to the club for now? Is that such of a big deal? That's all I was asking for.

Well, things got heated, he stayed firm, I felt really left out/ignored my feelings, and told him I don't want a man who's ignoring my whises just like that and why he would rather accept for me to break up than just compormising. So I did break up.

A couple of hours later I wrote him, that I know we both don't want this to be over for such a ridiculous reason, and that we should talk about it tomorrow after things calmed down , to find a solution. I explained to him again, how I felt about it and that I would have never imagined that my simple uestion to go out a little less would be such a big deal in the end. Its not that I don't trust him, because if he wanted to do things behind my back, I know he could do it at any place, not just the club... but I just think this is no place to be, no people to be surrounded by, I know women, and I know how they do. Then those so-called friends that will put him into situations, and alcohol, that will make him weak. Lets be real here... we know how men are... But he just doesn't want to understand, becauz he then always says that I don't trust him. But it doesn't have to do with trust. Its about what you do and don't do in a relationship. And If express my uncomfortness then I wished that he would be more understanding. I never want to cage him in because I know he would hate that, I know him. But I got my wishes too.

I really want to be with this man, we had plans to get married and have a family. I really love him, but I also got my pride, and for him to be so stubborn about a simple thing is really rejecting.

What should I do?

Whether you are in a boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or married relationship with a person, there is no allowance in any relationship, for controlling another persons behaviour.

You have demanded that he change a behaviour, which is going out with his buddies, once in a while. He has said, that he does not wish to change his behaviour. One of you has to give a little bit here, and I think it is more you, than him.

If he were going to a hunting club, or to play baseball, or to do volunteer work, once every three weeks or so, it likely wouldn't be a problem for you. But, it is the fact that he goes to bars that you find unacceptable. Why is that.

Let's presume that all he does is talk to his buddies about baseball, fishing, cars,and work. He's with friends he trusts, he's not coming home drunk, smelling of cheap perfume with a fishnet stocking hanging from his back pocket. He's just meeting up with his friends, doing what he woud do with his friends under any other circumstance that he would meet up with his friends. Where he goes, doesn't make him guilty of anything.

I think it is healthy that he has friends, and enjoys them. Unless he has given you reason to think that he's hitting up girls at a bar, or you start finding hotel receipts on your visa bill, what is the problem.

To not trust someone, because of a perceived fault, rather than a true fault or problem, is unfair of you. What it does is show that you are jealous and insecure about what could happen, rather than what hasn't happened. You have said that you trust him, he doesn't fool around, he's not hiding anything. So, the problem has to be that you are not allowing your actions, to back up what you know.

You have created an invisible foe. But, he could just as easily cheat on his lunch hour with a co-worker who has the hots for him, or he could find a quickie in the parking lot behind the Burger King with his ex girlfriend, or he could be buying by the hour if he wanted to.

But he is doing none of those things, according to you. This is going to be a problem for him, if you keep trying to control his behaviour, simply because you are inscure about his choice of venue.

Eventually, he will get weary of the insinuations and arguing about a non-issue. If he feels controlled, or guilty that he's done something wrong, and he hasn't, the lack of trust causing these feelings for him, will ultimately end the relationship in my opinion.