Okay... I have this friend who I have been friends with since May 2006. She moved to my small town where her dad and brother lives and I got to know her well through knowing them. We would hang out every weekend. We have a lot of good times and told each other that we feel like we've been friends forever!

She use to live in a state away but moved back and lived with her dad because her boyfriend died of heart problems. She is 26 years old and her boyfriend was 29 years old. I tried to help her deal with her grief but she would excessively drink and I felt more like a babysitter!:rolleyes: But, I delt with it, although tried to talk her out of drinking so much, but I don't know how I would have handled losing someone that I was "in love" with.

This last November, she decided to finally quit drinking and see a counselor. (She use to get so drunk that I would have to carry her into her house and she'd be kicking and screaming and would say bad things to me but the next morning, she wouldn't remember saying any of that stuff).

Anyway... at the beginning of December, she started dating this really nice guy where we live. He treats her well and she seems to really be getting her life back together! Only problem is, now we have no contact unless I stop to see her at her place of business (she owns a salon). I've called a couple of times and left messages and tried texting her with no repsonse back but yet when I see her around town, she acts like we are best of friends. I seen her last night at the bowling alley with her boyfriend and she said hi and I said a simple "hi", finished my game of bowling and left. I know she could tell that I am a little upset with her!

My question is... why do friends foreget their "friends" when they start seeing/dating someone? Is this normal? Is this healthy? Am I being selfish?

I'm hurt and confused right now and I miss my friend. I have several other friends that call or that we hang out together!

Some friendships are shorter than others. She may be running from the grief you helped her through and you remind her of it. You have other friends, so spend time with them and leave her alone. She'll probably look you up again after her new boyfriend dumps her. I don't mean to sound callous, but the essence of friendship is the voluntary nature of it, so you can't make somebody be your friend. I try to look at it that even short friendships have a purpose and value. When the other person pulls away, let them go and move on.

No that's not normal - you need balance in life friends are a very important piece.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

Some friendships are shorter than others. She may be running from the grief you helped her through and you remind her of it. You have other friends, so spend time with them and leave her alone. She'll probably look you up again after her new boyfriend dumps her. I don't mean to sound callous, but the essence of friendship is the voluntary nature of it, so you can't make somebody be your friend. I try to look at it that even short friendships have a purpose and value. When the other person pulls away, let them go and move on.

---

Tried to spread the love but couldn't!

I hear what you are saying and I will be there for her when he dumps her!

You are hurt and confused because you wanted more from her than she was willing to give. You took on the role of caretaker and you allowed yourself to open to her, in hopes that she would honor your labour of love, by returning love to you. No need to be confused or hurt... you gave of yourself genuinely to help someone in need. I am glad that you were there for her... your influence helped her to seek help and she and you are all the better for it. Confront your heart issues. Ask yourself , better yet question your motvie for being there for her, when she needed someone with a sense integrity to lend a helping hand... it is better when there are two people, if one falls another can lift them up... you did so... you lifted another.. not many would do such a thing. You are unique in this; however, consider your motive and contront it. There is no need to be upset with her, many do not say thanks, but there are grateful, even if they do not ackowledge it... hopefully you do not need that affirmation, it can be frustrating. Just know that you allocated an act of kindness that speaks more volumes than a mere thank you... she is now in a healthy relationship and when you are ready... you can enjoy one, if you choose to do so

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

Some friendships are shorter than others. She may be running from the grief you helped her through and you remind her of it. You have other friends, so spend time with them and leave her alone. She'll probably look you up again after her new boyfriend dumps her. I don't mean to sound callous, but the essence of friendship is the voluntary nature of it, so you can't make somebody be your friend. I try to look at it that even short friendships have a purpose and value. When the other person pulls away, let them go and move on.

---

Couldn't give rep, but I agree wholeheartedly

Quote:

---

I hear what you are saying and I will be there for her when he dumps her!

---

You sound like a very good friend to have, so don't worry about what she is doing and sure you miss the time but friends manage to get back together again.

It is extremely hard for a male / female relationship for friendship to contrinue since the new boyfriend will have jealous feelings and the friend will not understand it is purely as a friend. ( if that is all the feelings you have)

I will guess ( and that is all it is) there was a fine line between friends hanging out and dating that both of you are not really sure which it is.
It is possible to her that you were dating and she is moving on with her life. Often people who have had such drastic issues, death of a spouse and then a serious drinking problem though their counseling are making a clean break, I would even bet your relationship with her was part of the discussion with the couselor. ( but just a guess)

But most relationships of all friends change when there is a new dating situation also. First with a new relationship there is a more constant contract and the time changes that they have to offer others.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by SINGLE4

I hear what you are saying and I will be there for her when he dumps her!

---

I hear what you are saying but I don't know if I would advise that. You can't allow yourself to be the one her emotional doormat or security blanket. I know you want to be a good friend but she's not being a good friend back to you if she uses you to get all her grief out then leaves all the time. By putting yourself out there too much you wind up gettng burned like you did in this situation.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by shenda

better yet question your motvie for being there for her,

---

My motive for being there for her was because she needed a friend! She pursued my friendship and once we started talking a lot... she really opened up about her past and she told me that she felt like we had been friends for a life time! I enjoy being there for people. I am a people person and I get along well with others!

I do hear what you are saying and thank you for your input!;)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

It is extremely hard for a male / female relationship for friendship to contrinue since the new boyfriend will have jealous feelings and the friend will not understand it is purely as a friend. ( if that is all the feelings you have)

I will guess ( and that is all it is) there was a fine line between friends hanging out and dating that both of you are not really sure which it is.
It is possible to her that you were dating and she is moving on with her life. Often people who have had such drastic issues, death of a spouse and then a serious drinking problem though thier couseling are making a clean break, I would even bet your relationship with her was part of the discussion with the couselor. ( but just a guess)

But most relationships of all friends change when there is a new dating situation also. First with a new relationship there is a more constant contract and the time changes that they have to offer others.

---

I couldn't spread the rep but... that you for your input!

I think the reason I am so upset is the fact that I lost a good friend! In the small town that I live in there are not too many people around like her! People have big mouths and when I needed to talk or she needed to talk, we knew we could trust each other not to tell anyone! I do have other friends to talk to but most live out of town!

I just don't understand why she pursued my friendship and then all of the sudden... just stopped! She acts as though nothing is wrong when I see her in public:rolleyes: . I guess I should just go on as though nothing is wrong when I see her and see if maybe down the road she will contact me!

As good a friend as we would like to be all the people we befriend are not our friends. Some will want to be but don't have the capacity to return our friendship the way it was received.

It is extremely hard for a male / female relationship for friendship to contrinue since the new boyfriend will have jealous feelings and the friend will not understand it is purely as a friend. ( if that is all the feelings you have)

It kills me that people think that men and women cannot just be friends. Am I, my husband, and my friends really that abnormal?

Anyway, give her time. It could be part of her grieving process that she needs to pull away and deal with everything. The boy is new and is not a reminder of things before her father died. Perhaps sending her a card in the mail to let her know that you are thinking of her, that way she knows that even though you have not talked you are still there.

I know that there was time between the boyfriend and her father dying... but grief is different for us all. I know someone who is just now (10 years later) dealing with the death of her father.

I honestly think her avoidance of you is because of her drinking. Like it or not it's a chemical dependency. She had a lot to come to terms with. The fact you were there offering unconditional love and support says a lot about the type of person you are. And of course you're hurting by not seeing her. Please understand that its not personal. People dealing with addiction(her dependency on alcohol to ease the pain) and are now in recovery often put the past behind them. Plus they fact you saw her at her worst could be embarrassing to her. It reminds her of how weak she was. Its not you she's trying to forget but the pain of the past. Maybe in time she'll come around but for now go out with your friends and have a ball. Celebrate you for what you did for her. In my book you're a hero.

Baby life goes on your gonna have your friends...Friends come and go WOW!!!!!! don let it get to you cause he or she will come back......

There is nothing wrong with showing someone unconditional love. That is what you gave her. She may not be showing it to you, and that's mostly because of the boyfriend. Most men will get jealous of a male/female friendship unless he is very trustful and understanding. When it's new, it's best to get to know the guy first before you start hanging out with him and your friends. All that matters is your door is open if and when she needs it. You won't be a doormat if this man isn't right and she comes a knocking. That's what unconditional love is. There are no conditions. You are there for her whenever she needs you. She may not have unconditional love for you. She may love you as a friend, but doesn't know how to have unconditional love. I think it's the new boyfriend. She doesn't want to scare him away or bring unnecessary jealousy into the relationship. Wait until they get to know each other more and hopefully she will let you be an active friend again.