Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend was with married man

Girlfriend was with married man

My girlfriend has been in a long relationship with a married man (maybe five years) and she continued this relationship for the first few months we were dating. He would call her every morning from his work. Whenever she would try to leave him he would keep calling and mailing gifts and calling. She has to unplug her phone to avoid him. After they didn't talk for a while he went to her house. I knew about the married guy, but he didn't know about me. My girlfriend and I broke up many times because I tried to force her to leave him. She never saw him while we were dating, but she talked to him on the phone.

She also lost her virginity to this guy.

I think now she has realized that this guy won't leave his wife. She has told me that she has ended the relationship and wants to be with only me. Now she seems like she loves me. But can I trust her? Would this kind of woman just cheat on me with someone else? Will this married guy keep harassing her? I really love this girl and I want to be with her. But I'm not sure if it is impossible because of all that has happened.

I don't understand the psychology of why women date married men. She seems like such a sweet girl. I can't understand a situation like this. I just want to know if it will ever really end.

I also forgot to mention she recently told the married man about me and he said he doesn't care. Which of course he doesn't - he's married. He's just using this poor girl.

No, this won't ever end. Your girlfriend's behavior is that of a girl who thinks of no one but herself, not you.

A girl like her will get you killed. Believe me, growing up in the projects, I have seen many situation go down because of a girl who thought of nothing but her self.

And the bad thing about it is, she can't even think of the best things for herself. So, don't try to chance this girl into what you want or hope for her to be.

In the end, she will only end-up changing you into what she wants you to be. You may not understand the reasons you should leave her, but you will later on.

Don't bank on it. Any woman who's willing to be the "other woman" and let herself be used by a cheater is likely to be or become a cheater herself. This doesn't sound like a healthy situation.

Is it possible that she is just naïve? She thinks that the married man loves her.

I really love this girl and I want to marry her. Other than having had a relationship with a married man she's perfect.

Is there any way I can know if she might change and become totally faithful to me?

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Is it possible that she is just naive? She thinks that the married man loves her.

She may be naïve all right, but not JUST naïve. She's also gullible, has a demonstrated capacity for self-deception, and doesn't know what real love is.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

I really love this girl and I want to marry her. Other than having had a relationship with a married man she's perfect.

Well, she may eventually see how she's been played for a sucker, but it doesn't sound like she sees it yet, and until she does, it's more serious than just one tiny blemish.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Is there any way I can know if she might change and become totally faithful to me?

Don't be silly. Of course you can't know. However, you could easily spend several years of your life waiting, only to find out that she won't. Sounds like a bad bet to me, but if you can't think of anything better to do with those years, maybe it will keep you out of worse trouble.

For you to think she will change and be the perfect wife, now you are naïve and just as gullible as she is. You cannot conquer her demons, or solve her problems, but you can get caught up in her drama, as you are now and spend a lot of time and emotion waiting for something that may never happen. You have already messed up knowing what she is doing and allowing her to basically do it in front of you with the phone calls. Where is yourself respect? Her influence on you is already negative. In case you didn't know it she may be stopping you from finding your real soul mate, and that can't be right, can it? Dump this loser and get a real woman you can trust and have a good future with.

Uncertain, I’m glad your seeking some help. You don’t give your age but I’m assuming your young and this might be your first “real” girlfriend. This relationship is not healthy and it’s not right what she’s doing to you, and it’s filled with excuses. To be honest, I’d rather be alone than to have your girlfriend. I hope you’ll be open enough to let me take you through your 3 posts…

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Originally Posted by uncertain

My girlfriend has been in a long relationship with a married man (maybe five years) and she continued this relationship for the first few months we were dating.

There are so many problems in that statement. The first is your girlfriend doesn’t have the character to stay out of someone’s marriage. In the old days they used to be called home wreckers. Today we call them whores. The second problem is YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS SEEING SOMEONE ELSE. Forget the fact he’s married. She’s still seeing someone else.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

He would call her every morning from his work. Whenever she would try to leave him he would keep calling and mailing gifts and calling. She has to unplug her phone to avoid him. After they didn't talk for a while he went to her house. I knew about the married guy, but he didn't know about me. My girlfriend and I broke up many times because I tried to force her to leave him. She never saw him while we were dating, but she talked to him on the phone.

That is all one big contradiction. She wanted to leave him but she COULDN“T. You told her to leave him but she WOULDN’T. She unplugged her phone but then took his calls. This just in….She never quit talking to him.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

She also lost her virginity to this guy.

Irrelevant and probably a lie. Most women usually work there way up to whore who sleeps with married man status. You don’t just jump into that one on your first attempt.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

I think now she has realized that this guy won't leave his wife.

Really? I knew it in the first sentence. Not to say that women don’t get strung along in these situations. But while there being strung along they usually don’t string someone else with them.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

She has told me that she has ended the relationship and wants to be with only me.

And you believe that based on her history?

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Now she seems like she loves me.

Really? Let me go back and reread every single sentence here……….. Yeah I didn’t see any love.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

But can I trust her?

If you can’t trust a woman that openly sleeps with a married man, while stringing along another guy, who can you trust? In other words. NO.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Would this kind of woman just cheat on me with someone else?

She already has.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Will this married guy keep harassing her?

Only when she stops him.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

I really love this girl and I want to be with her. But I'm not sure if it is impossible because of all that has happened.

I still can’t believe you want to be with her. But yeah it’s going to be impossible and she’s going to cheat, and your going to get hurt and left in the end.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

I don't understand the psychology of why women date married men.

Attention, gifts, mystery, secrecy, freedom of no commitment.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

She seems like such a sweet girl.

You are truly out of your mind.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

I can't understand a situation like this. I just want to know if it will ever really end.

When you leave it will.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

I also forgot to mention she recently told the married man about me and he said he doesn't care. Which of course he doesn't - he's married. He's just using this poor girl.

And in turn that …ah hem “poor girl” is using you.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Is it possible that she is just naive?

No, No that’s not possible. However you are incredibly naïve.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

She thinks that the married man loves her.

And you think a woman cheating on a married man loves you? Give me a break!

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Originally Posted by uncertain

I really love this girl and I want to marry her.

Why? Do you not enjoy life? What did you do to deserve this?

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Other than having had a relationship with a married man she's perfect.

Yeah, if you she didn’t have you two, I’d think about asking her out.

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Originally Posted by uncertain

Is there any way I can know if she might change and become totally faithful to me?

She’s not changing. How did this ever get this far? Your better than this. You deserve better than this. Get rid of her and get yourself focus on your happiness because this is not normal or healthy.

Wow, the answers do seem a little harsh... She obviously met this man very young and he wasn't. She was virgin and he was already married. I know what its like to fall for someone so hard you want to believe everything they say. You eventually know the truth in you somewhere and people will tell you but until you get to the point on your own where you are ready to really make that break you just CANT. So... 5 yrs ago, she was an innocent, inexperienced girl. 5 yrs later she may have enough life and maturity under her belt BUT she still may also have some growing up to do. The only thing that concerns me is that she doesn't seem to have the absolute emotional attachment to you that she did with him. Otherwise she never would have looked back... Only you know your situation, me nor any of the above can see it like you can. Most likely you are somewhat like her and you know the answer, you just want validation OR you want someone to tell you its fine when you know it might not be. Go with your gut, its usually pretty right on.

Darn! I typed a long response only to see the thread is 3 years old! Son of a itch!

Thanks for your advice everyone. I broke up with that girl a while ago and will never see her again.

She is from a different country and I met her while she was doing a master's degree at my university in the US. It turns out that she was actually married to a different guy in her home country. So she had a husband, a boyfriend who was married, and was seeing me (we shared an apartment). She was a very manipulative girl. It was a horrible experience, but I'll never make a mistake like that again.