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I cheated on my boyfriend and he found out from someone else, a guy he didn't like. He asked me about it and eventually I told him that it had happened. We argue a lot since then and it happened in February. He said he has forgiven me but he just doesn't trust me and he doubt the things I do. How can I let my boyfriend know that I won't ever cheat on him again and that he can trust me
Only time can restore trust and sometimes it's a very long time. If you are sincere, live your life in a manner that will prove you can be trusted -- don't gossip, tell secrets, or be dishonest. He may see that you have changed.
You already tried telling him once and it didn't work. Keeping trying, it still won't work. Bossman always tells me when I'm stuck on a problem, "do you know what the definition of insanity is? Doing the same thing but expecting different results".Quote:
Originally Posted by trineti
And a second point, you're asking the wrong question. Instead of asking us how you can convince your boyfriend into trusting you again, you should really be asking what you can do that will help both of you grow as a result of your infidelity. There is always something valuable to be learned from bad choices.
You're in a relationship, which means you're a team.
Accepting and recovering from such a huge issue as infidelity while in a serious committed relationship, is different for everybody.
That time may see him trust you again, he may never fully regain trust to a level where he can be completely, 100% sure of you. He may learn to live with what you have done, and he may forgive you, but sometimes it erodes not only trust, there are other issues such as the characteristics of you, as a person, and as a person who would have an affair in the first place. He may see you, in a different light, independent of accepting the affair you chose to have. You are not the person he thought you were.
He found out, and not by you. Had you been immediately remorseful enough to be honest with him, and accept that there would be consequences, he may have seen what you did as uncharacteristic behaviour, of an otherwise loyal and honest partner. Forgiving would have been easier, had you been upfront.
But learning after the fact, when you chose not to be honest with him, and keep it a secret instead, may seem to him that you are remorseful only because you got caught. Trusting is more difficult, because he has not only been cheated on by you, he was deceived by you as well.
You didn't say that you were struggling with how to tell him for a long time, or that you were sick over what you did, or that you were truly sorry. I didn't read any of those words.
So you wonder how you can get him to trust you again, and trust is only part of the issue. Most people who are surprised when their partner cheats, will re-evaluate the entire relationship. What was the truth and what were the lies during the time you were actively involved with another man. How can he know that he can believe you when you say it was six weeks, or a month, or one night. He will question everything, because you deceived him.
Many relationships break up when one party cheats, and this is why. To put all of your trust and love into a relationship with one person, only to have that person cheat on you, involves far more than the cheater simply being forgiven. Much has to be overcome to establish trust again, and sometimes, it just doesn't happen.
Because this has evolved into a lot of arguing, and probably resentment, your relationship is not healing, it is falling apart. What I suggest you do is book an appointment with a couples counsellor, and if he goes he goes, and if he doesn't, you go, and seek guidance and advice on how to better communicate with him, in order to resolve the issue and get past it.
Without some resolve, you will be left forever on the receiving end of doubt from him. You made a mistake, you are paying for it, and I believe you care enough and are sincere enough to say that you will never betray him again. If he is unable to accept that, you will find that no matter how much you try, you will never establish the relationship to the point it was, before the affair. You deserve your lumps over this of course, and I'm sure you realize this. But, you can't allow this to beat you up emotionally forever either.
Counselling will help you establish some boundaries with this. Being human, you made a mistake. You are doing your best to resolve it, and now it is up to him whether he will accept that the issue has to be put to rest, and that you don't deserve to be punished for months on end.
This can be worked out, if he is willing. But as long as he continues to put the past in the present, and the future, and not deal with it once and for all, you are perhaps facing the end of the relationship. While the punishment has perhaps fit the crime so to speak, eventually, you have paid the price, and can't go on with an indefinite sentence. I hope that he seeks counselling with you, and that this all works out.
Best of luck to you.
OK fair enough but when I say cheated I don't mean like sleeping with another guy. All that happened was a guy sent me a 'picture' that I didn't ask for or want and he found out and said that's cheating. So it not like I was with another man
So how did he get your number in the first place?
He was a guy in my class from school... had to do some project thing... so we exchanged numbers...
You need to tell your boyfriend to get off his high horse and grow up or to ride that high horse into the sun set. He has a HUGE issue with CONTROL. Why in the world you are allowing this" picture deal" to be blown into CHEATING situation is beyond me. I would not put this into a CHEATING classification. I would have booted his immature backside to the curb back in FEB. Move on and find a boyfriend that doesn't try and confidence you into believe that something so pointless is CHEATING so he can have total control over a relationship. He has you kow-towing to his moods.
Well that nugget of information would've helped in the beginning because my first post is now completely irrelevant. That's not even the definition of cheating, you're being victimized.Quote:
Originally Posted by trineti
Tell your boyfriend to man up and get over it, or get out.
Lol yh your right and that's what every 1 is telling me but he still doesn't trust me and he wants me to do something and I don't know what to do. I said either we sort something out or end it and then he goes crazy.I just need 2 show him he can trust me
U should tell him that because I think your right but his mind is kind of stuck on that now and I need to show him he can trust me but I don't know what I can do besides reassure him and stuff but he says that won't help and I don't know what to do
There's really nothing you can do. Your boyfriend is being completely unreasonable.
I say just leave him.
I had to spread the rep slapshot but I agree with you. If he is going to hold this over your head forever then what's the point of being together? He is being a child, you didn't cheat on him there should be no loss of trust here. I can't even imagine how he would react if something serious happens in the future.
You could have included that tidbit of information in your opening thread. I was about to rip in to slapshot because I didn't read the first page.
First off, part of me wants to say you're lying. I think something more might have happened. You said he calls it cheating. You do not and neither does anyone else here, so why in your post did you say you cheated?
"i cheated on my boyfriend"
I know it's just words but words convey a deeper message then people think.
Secondly, if you're being true then tell your b/f to grow some balls. He's over reacting!
Quote:
Originally Posted by trineti
Something isn't adding up. How did this other person know that your project partner sent you a 'picture'? Why did it take 'eventually' to tell him what happened? Did you lie to him at first or just not answer his questions?Quote:
Yesterday 11:57 PM
Trineti Comment on Jake2008's post
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OK fair enough but when I say cheated I don't mean like sleeping with another guy. all that happened was a guy sent me a 'picture' that i didnt ask for or want and he found out and said that's cheating. So it not like I was with another man
How do you control someone else's actions? Supposedly, this person sent you a picture that was unsolicited. That was his action. Your boyfriend and ultimately you are calling it 'cheating'? What is stopping someone else from sending you notes, pictures, etc. that you didn't ask for and being accused of 'cheating' again? The answer is simple: you can't.
You cannot control what another person does or thinks. You can only control yourself and your own actions. You can be honest and tell the truth or explain in a polite but firm way why the answer to a question is not the business of the person asking it. If you evade the question with half-truths or lies, then you can deal with the consequences.
You cannot control what your boyfriend thinks. Neither of you can control what a third person says or does. You can sit down and talk with him about what happened and what boundaries both of you think are appropriate for your relationship. One of those boundaries might be letting the other person know when something happens that might become rumor and affect the relationship. Another boundary might be allowing the past to stay in the past and making 'today' the beginning of the relationship.
Both of you need to accept that other people will do things and neither of you should be held responsible for their actions as long as your actions didn't cause it.
Do not make promises you might not be able to keep. Remember you can't control the actions of another person and if this all stems from a third person's actions, it could happen again.
IF he is unwilling to put the past in the past and unable to explain why he is concerned so that you can work together to build a stronger relationship, then you need to seriously think about letting him and the frustration and hurt go, healing and moving forward on your own.
I told this person when we were talking one time. And I didn't think too much of the picture, I was like eerr OK whatever and I didn't care because I wasn't going to c this guy again I didn't like him or pay too much attention to him.like I just ignored it...
From what you have written, the picture is irrelevant, his behavior is unacceptable from what you have written. That you beg, and don't know what to do is telling. If you have done nothing wrong, then you stop acting guilty, and tell him to get over himself, or get gone PDQ! (Pretty Darn FAST!)
I still don't think its adding up.
Life is too short too worry about this bull****.
If he is tripping over some random picture tell him to get a life.
You need too as well. Why would you put up with that crap?
He's insecure and is making you insecure as well to control you.
Move on before you can't even breath without his permission.
I'm sorry but you know what it will allways hurt him as badly as the first time he found out. And it will never go away and he will allways have that pain with him in his heart and that is withholding him from trusting you. I've been in his position many times and I can honestly say that we won't ever fully trust a person who cheats on us.
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