My husband and I have been married for 3 years. The first 2 years were blissful however we have changed dramatically and are fighting more and more. I have trust issues when it comes to my husband. I used to trust him, I never questioned him when he went out or even when he came home late. We always had a trusting relationship and although I can be a jealous person, I know my worth as a woman and I know that if my husband tried replacing me, he would have a hard time with it.

The reason I do not trust him is because I have found out on more than one occasion that my husband has lied to me about having female friends. These friendships are with females he meets at clubs etc and proceeds to have atexting/calling firendship with them behind my back. I have found out about this each time it has happened, through my own detective work, and my husband was just happy to lie to me about it and brush it off until I found outthe truth and he had no otpion but to stop what he was doing.

Each time he has stopped texting/calling when I asked him too, but a few months later it seems to happen again.

It seems as though my husband keep seeking out female friends and gets their numbers and has flirtatious friendships with them. These women text things such as sweet dreams xo, or good morning handsome. I find this innapropriate and disprspectful to our marriage and our family. When I contact these females to ask them to stop, they are rude and disrespectful to me and don't talk to me, instead they continue to text my husband and he continues to call them and text them back.

I have told my husband so many times about how this hurts me and how he could want to associate with anyone who treats his wife in such a disrespectful way.

He has stopped this time but I can not stop looking in his phone, because I am scared he will do it again or he is still doing it, even though he is at home with me during the night etc, I just still feel like he is doing it, because he has done it to m so many times.

When I come to my husband about this, he flips it around on me and tells me I am insecure and its my fault because I'm always checking and searching for things. He told me if I stopped looking through his phone I wouldn't know about these relationships with these women because they don't mean anything, however I would never want a relationship with another man that my husband didn't know about. I feel as though if your married and you have a friend of the opposite sex that your so firnedly with that you need to text and call etc, than the wife should know about it.

Plus these women don't seem to care about his wife, so it makes me think that something is going on.

Should I leave him or believe him when he tells me nothing is going on and he is going to stop. I'm unsure of whether I can live my life trusting him again. Ive thought about taking a trip back home to australia to think it over. This trip would be for 6 months so I can figure out what I need and want from this relationship and if indeed I can learn to trust again or if he will stop doing this.

It is one thing, if the two of you are out at a bar, and harmless flirting happens with another couple, and everybody has a good laugh at the banter.

It is quite something else, for a married man to regularly frequent bars, chat up women enough to get their phone numbers, and they his, and carry on the 'flirting' secretly.

That crosses boundaries of acceptable married behaviour in my opinion. Millions may disagree.

I think that where your thinking is a bit skewed is that you have taken on the roll of mother, and feel that you have to step in and check inappropriate behaviour, by doing the things you do. Being a detective, snooping, calling phone numbers of women on you find on his phone, etc. You are putting yourself in the position of having to police your own marriage, and underscore what is really going on under the surface here.

You don't trust him. This isn't about jealousy on your part so much as it is you have a husband who cheats, at least superficially as far as you know. You are disturbed that he is behaving as a single man, when he is not. You are upset that when you ask him a straight question, he lies. You have lost faith in him, because when he says he stops hitting on women behind your back, he hasn't, and continues to do so.

But really, all you know is that he is behaving inappropriately, he won't stop, you are bothered by his behaviour. Those are predictable responses to a marriage that, under the surface, has more problems than likely even you can see. There has to be a reason why the behaviour starts in the first place.

You don't have any reason to continue to check his phone for 'proof', nor do you have any reason to hold the women he is contacting, as causing or contributing to his behaviour. They have nothing to do with it. Stopping them (which you cannot), will not stop him. He is the one making the connections, and the choices.

If you cannot trust your husband, and he is unwilling to change, you can expect more of the same. You won't be the first woman to marry a man that you didn't know.

My advice to you, is regain your dignity, and stop stooping to his level by being the detective in order to prove him wrong (again and again). What you have done has not changed him, he has only modified his behaviour and has become more secretive and careful. Insist on counselling, and insist on honesty, and insist on that being the basic expectation in order for the marriage to survive.

Otherwise, without addressing these issues between the parties that really have the most to lose (you and him), you'll keep spinning your wheels.

As a man... who has been married for 19 years... and who who does have female friends some dating back nearly 25 years that my wife doesn't demand to know everything I say to them.

I detect some major Jealousy and insecurity going on here based on the contents of your post.

#1 snooping around is wrong... everyone is entitled to their personal space.

#2 Being controlling WILL and clearly IS causing pushback.

You aren't entitled to know everything about every casual friend he speaks to... and yes a guy can be friends with a female... and there NOT be anything going on. I have a number of female friends I consider very good friends... most of them are married... we joke... we flirt... and nobody ever seriously considers cheating on their spouses.

Heck my wife has male friends... they joke and I know she doesn't ever consider cheating because I know her and how she is.

Of course you can learn to trust... but first you have to come to terms with your own paranoia and low self esteme. He did chose to be with you... he could walk out the door at any time and not come back... ever think of who he returns home to every night... I'm sure its gotten him ticked off, enough to do certain things JUST to tick you off, usually when you do things you really have no business doing in the first place. But not enough he has blown up and had a HUGE argument over just yet.

I know if I get pushed and accused I WILL push back...

Fact is NOBODY likes to be henpecked and controlled over who they are and aren't allowed to talk to. You have problems with him... you would have problems with most anyone else as well.

We have an old saying here in the States...


"Be careful what you wish you....you just might get it."

and "You can find something bad in everything...if you look close enough."

The Classic of all time. "Let those without sin cast the first stone."

Fact is nobody is perfect... and its usually the least perfect people that are the ones pointing fingers most often.

If you expect him to bow to your every demand... however unreasonible... you better be prepared to do it as well.


Keep in mind many of the things you are saying here are not viewed by you objectively... if you are intent to see cheating every time you see a man talking to a woman... then you will think there is something going on...

I have the phone numbers of varoius females... have I cheated with any of them? Have I even CONSIDERED cheating with any of them... nope.

Most times things are simply what they are at face value... there is no hidden or ulteriour motive or meaning. In this case... simply members of the opposite sex enjoying conversation. You won the Chase.. you caught him. Most guys don't want a harem... or would have one even if they could. Trust me... its enough dealing with one woman's monthly mood swings... who wants to deal with two or more, that's the guy I would call a true masochist.

You are only 3 years into a marriage... the honeymoon stage is over... you haven't settled into your routines yet and there is still the push and shove thing going on... by year 4 or 5 things settle down and are fairly steady and smooth after that... outside of the occaisonal squabble.

I am going to make this short.

I have had male friends, BUT, I always told my Husband about them and introduced them to him.

When they asked to go out for a drink, I always included my Husband, EVEN if he said, "no, you go ahead, I'm doing this or that." Still, I always invited my Husband. He did the same for me.

Im not a jealous person by any means, in fact I knew that if my Husband wanted to be with someone else, he knew where the door was. All I ask, is that you leave me the BMW! LOL

So, I can understand your frustration.

I don't agree with the snooping part.

If he said he isn't doing anything wrong, well, believe him.

Good Luck.

I guess my question is what do you think is going to happen if you go back to Australia for 6months. Do you think he is just going to change just so he can get you back. Even if he does say it, how long do you think it would last.

My concern is that you are so willing to walk away without even seeking marriage counseling. We all have different personality traits, and when we get married its hard to adjust to those. Some people don't give a second thought to having close relationships with opposite sex, that includes texting,going to dinner,movies, etc. Then you have others who are very uncomfortable with their partners having that kind of relationship for whatever reason. Your way or the highway approach to these relationships could be very destructive. Are you really ready to throw away your marriage because of these differences, or do you want to try and work them out.

Smoothy... I don't think it is necessarily that the OP thinks he is cheating... although she might have been concerned about the possibility of it leading to that. Plenty of people have no intention of leaving their spouses, but they are happy to get some on the side if they can get away with it. That doesn't mean he ever even thought of it. It all very well may be just having a bit of fun; getting his ego stroked.

The problems come from him not being honest about what was going on and continuing when he knows it upsets her so much.

Yes, the snooping is a concern, but I would guess she had a reason to feel the need to check up on him. Obviously things didn't add up. Once that seed of doubt is planted, it takes time to move passed the worry and it will only happen through communication and doing whatever it takes to rebuild that trust level.

You and your wife have no problems with each of you having friends you chat with or flirt with, but then neither of you are hiding the fact; you are both fully aware of the joking and such and are fine with it. You wouldn't lie to your wife about it or continue with it if you knew she wasn't OK with it, right?

For the OP, I agree with considering counseling if you find the two of you need help with rebuilding the level of trust in your relationship.

He will feel you are looking over his shoulder at every move he makes, and it is certainly understandable, but it only holds you back from where you want to be. You need to resist the urge to check up on him. It takes time... it will likely take quite a bit of time.

Have some talks about what you both need, want, and expect from each other. Make sure you are on the same page. He may have seen this as no big deal since he knew nothing was meant from it, and he may not have realized just how much this has upset you.

Leaving for 6 months won't allow you the time and closeness you need to work through this. You will spend much of that time wondering about the "what ifs" when you could be together working on your relationship.

The effort both of you put into this to help work it out and get back on track will let you know whether it is something worth continuing with.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Smoothy....I don't think it is necessarily that the OP thinks he is cheating....although she might have been concerned about the possibility of it leading to that. Plenty of people have no intention of leaving their spouses, but they are happy to get some on the side if they can get away with it. That doesn't mean he ever even thought of it. It all very well may be just having a bit of fun; getting his ego stroked.

The problems come from him not being honest about what was going on and continuing when he knows it upsets her so much.

Yes, the snooping is a concern, but I would guess she had a reason to feel the need to check up on him. Obviously things didn't add up. Once that seed of doubt is planted, it takes time to move passed the worry and it will only happen through communication and doing whatever it takes to rebuild that trust level.

You and your wife have no problems with each of you having friends you chat with or flirt with, but then neither of you are hiding the fact; you are both fully aware of the joking and such and are fine with it. You wouldn't lie to your wife about it or continue with it if you knew she wasn't ok with it, right?

For the OP, I agree with considering counseling if you find the two of you need help with rebuilding the level of trust in your relationship.

He will feel you are looking over his shoulder at every move he makes, and it is certainly understandable, but it only holds you back from where you want to be. You need to resist the urge to check up on him. It takes time....it will likely take quite a bit of time.

Have some talks about what you both need, want, and expect from each other. Make sure you are on the same page. He may have seen this as no big deal since he knew nothing was meant from it, and he may not have realized just how much this has upset you.

Leaving for 6 months won't allow you the time and closeness you need to work through this. You will spend much of that time wondering about the "what ifs" when you could be together working on your relationship.

The effort both of you put into this to help work it out and get back on track will let you know whether or not it is something worth continuing with.

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I think maybe you missed the point I was trying to make... things don't always come across as intended when you paraphrase them. I do know that all too well.

What I was saying was he is the friendly gregarious outgoing type who likes talking with people, she on the other hand appears to be the type that isn't, and expects to know everything about everyone he knows or maybe even has ever known. There are plenty of people I know my wife doesn't, and might never. I mean exactly what right does one adult have to demand to meat and pass approvale before another adult can talk with them. He isn't a three year old, and she isn't his mother.

Yes there are guys that will cheat given a chance... there are women that will too... some of those that get their panties in a knot the most are those themselves that already have or would if they find the right person... and thus assume every other person would as well.

I'm the type of person who will talk with anyone that has something to say that can listen as well, man or woman. And if I was a single man I may even hit up on some of the women, but I am a guy that the big head is able to dominate the little head and thus calls the shots.

I can and do have very nice conversations with a VERY attractive woman, without hitting up on her or even succumbing to her advances on occaisions they are obvious. You don't HAVE to play out with everyone who may show a basic interest. And its also just as nutty to wall yourself off from everyone who MIGHT show an interest just because someone fears you will "Gasp" talk to someone of a different gender.

Fact is even if you DO force your partner to only associate with members of their own gender... ( you know , like oppressive Islamic countries do) there are a lot of closeted and bi people out there who still wiould fool around if that was what they want to do.

Moving into a mountaintop cave and shunning all people isn't reasonible or practical either. See the point I was trying to express.

In a nutshell it was if someone's going to cheat, they are going to cheat. And odds are, they aren't going to be cheating with anyone they openly talk with if they are married.

What is the old saying... "its the quiet ones you have to watch out for?" or "if you have an accident...its not usually with the person you saw coming...its the one you didn't".

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Originally Posted by smoothy

In a nutshell it was if someones going to cheat, they are going to cheat. And odds are, they aren't going to be cheating with anyone they openly talk with if they are married.

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Smoothy, I can see where you are coming from and what you are trying to say. This part of your post, however, points to where the problem lies in this particular case. He hasn't been open. He has hid and lied about what he was doing.

missl3, am I correct in my understanding that he only started doing this in the last year or had he been doing this from the beginning and you only found out in the last year?

First, I don't think a six month trip to anywhere would be a good idea for either you or the marriage. You want to clear your mind and think about what to do, but if you are gone that long with that much distance from the issue, it will only cause more doubts to pop up and you will be reacting even more to your own imaginings instead of the facts.

If you have trust issues while you are in the house and holding him, they will be magnified when you are away for a long time with no physical contact.

Second, stop contacting the women he is communicating with. They may or may not know you exist and if they do, he may have told them you were okay with the 'fun' he is having. If they don't know he is married, then they don't know if you are his wife or a jealous ex trying to cause problems for any new relationship he has. They are not the issue. As you have already seen, he can replace them easily enough.

Are you open to marriage counseling? If you are from another country than the one you are currently living in, how long has it been since you saw your family and friends? How much has that been influencing your thoughts and feelings?

I don't see that as hiding... She isn't his mommy and he doesn't have to introduce her to every single person he know or ever talks to and get permission.

Certainly SHE hasn't introduced him to every single person she knows or might ever talk to and get his permission before she is allowed to talk to them.

Readers digest version is this... they are BOTH adults... and don't need permission to just communicate with someone else.

What I see is a paranoid at worst... overly controlling at best person that imagines something that there is absolutely no evidence is occurring.

Caught in a hotel room, nope, found a bra or panty on the car or pocket? no... naked photos of him with another woman? no...
Sneeking out of the house at all hours or when she is sleeping ? no.

No evidence he is actually straying at all.

Before I tend to believe something someone says... I like to see a little evidence to back it up. Seen too many cases of people falsely accused of doing something, have seen too many cases of people that think a relationship totally excludes everyone else to the point it smothers out any life the relationship had... on this site.

Accusations can be a dangerous thing. Lives have been destroyed... relationships ruined over accusations that have proven false.

Personally if my wife or any woman started that with me... I'd be seriously *issed off about it.

And I have sent girlfriends packing in the past for anything similar.

Luckily my wife is NOT lacking for self confidence and doesn't have trust issues or other insecurities. The only things I have to deal with are the typical hormonal driven mood swings.

After all... this isn't Saudi Arabia, men and women are allowed to talk. And I'd be the first person to condem him if he actually did something you wouldn't do in front of your mother or sister.

I don't know how this happens.

We get a perfectly legitimate post from a person in need of guidance and advice. And somehow it turns into a debate between those responding to the post.

Can we stick to the post. Answer the poster directly, and stop debating eachother's opinions? Why do we question any response. The responses are for the poster, and in my opinion, responses shouldn't be subject to correction, or debate between responders.

Agree or disagree, with any post that is factually incorrect, but to argue another person's opinion in a response, doesn't help the poster in any way whatsoever.

Going to a bar and picking up women's phone number and texting back and forth with them is not the kind of behavior a married man should be engaged in. Period.
If you are snooping in his stuff, you don't trust him and his behavior can be the cause of it.
Instead of snooping you need to ask him if he wants to be married and if so "lets do counseling"
Going away for six months just widens the chasm in your marriage.

Its more of a discussion about why given the information we have... that he hasn't actually done anything to justify her paranoia... and why. There is just varying perspectives on it.

Yeah it could be boild down to a simple... he's a lousy cheat... or you are a trying to dominate him...

But exactly how would that help the OP see the problems some of us see that can and will destroy a relationship. When nothing has been revealed thus far that indicates more than a platonic friendship is happening.

If there actually is... she hasn't provided it yet. Hell, by the OP's standards I've gone way beyond sleeping with my sister-in-laws (which for the record, I have NOT), because what he has done so far is tame compared to what I say and do with my sister-in-laws... in front of my mother-in-law and their husbands and nobody is upset , uncomfortible... or doesn't do in return.

And if she can see that maybe she can curtail destroying her marriage. Unless and until he actually gets caught doing something... in which case the rules of the game change and the gloves can come off. Heck... who of us that have been married a lot of years can't say year 2-5 aren't the roughest years?

In my opinion, commitment is the glue of a marriage. I think it's best to avoid flirty relationships with the opposite sex in order to protect the feelings of your spouse and avoid emotional infidelity. I know that I would be hurt if my husband was flirting with other women behind my back. Before I was married I remember that I kept in contact with some male friends and my husband asked me to stop, because he didn't think it would be healthy for our marriage and we agreed to make each other aware of any friends.

Why does your husband go out and ask for girls' numbers? That seems like he is trying to pick them up and I agree with you that these women are wrong for not respecting you as his wife and a member of their own sex. Why would your husband want to open up himself to conversation with these less than scrupulous women and why would he do this at your expense? I wish I could offer you some advice, but all I can say is that I feel for you, and hope that you find some peace.

He is sneaky and up to no good. He married you there is no room for new female "friends" in his life. Get him tested for STDs there is no doubt he is cheating on you.

The man is a sneaky cheat! Tell him to get tested for STDs or go see an attorney. He has no regard for you whatsoever.