I lost my brother on April 2, 2010. He and I were 6 years apart in age(Wil-26, Me-20). He was in the army as a recon pilot for unmanned aircraft. He took his own life the morning of April 2nd. He was going through rough times in his life and my father and I talked to him over the phone almost everyday for 2 weeks helping him cope. He never gave us signs of wanting to take his own life and this caught us all by total surprise. We weren't the closest brothers in the world but we were brothers, grew up together, all my childhood memories involve him. I still can't talk about him without tearing up. I sometimes feel angry at god for doing this. I think I could cope with any other mean of death other than his own hand. Every day, night, morning, I catch myself thinking about him and it makes me sad.. angry.. empty feeling.. I tend to get easily angered by the people I love and care for because I have all of this inside me.. I have just recently started seeking help. I would like anyone who has gone through anything similar to please help me understand..

I had lost my mom in June of 2010 of suicide. I know how you feel. I get choked up about it still like everyday. What your going through is normal. Everyone has their own way of grieving. Everyone will hold on to it for however long they need to. I really can't give you advice because I don't really have any for myslelf. But what I can tell you is that people who committ suicide will not tell you they will just do it. My mom didn't give us any warning at all she just did it. The ones that talk about it won't do it. But the ones that don't talk aobut it they do it. I have accepted that fact why she did it, and the fact that she's not here anymore. With the holidays coming up its going to be hard and I'm not looking forward to it cause I always talk to my mom on Christmas. My best advice is to talk to your best friend or someone really close and just grieve to them or with them. Its OK to cry. I cry still like everyday. Its never going to go away unfortunely but people say that it will get better but I don't know how that is. Don't ever let someone tell you that you grieve too much or cry too much cause there's no such thing! Everyone deals with things in their own way. One thing that has some what helped me is walking and just keeping busy and being on this website. I'm here for you if you ever need to talk to someone. I had posted an add on here aboiut my mom and this really nice lady told me to write on this web site things that I used to do with my mom and all my memories of her. It helped maybe you can do that also. Also keep a journal and write to your brother in a note book. It helped me out A lot! I've wiritten so many letters to my mom since she died and its been great therapy for me. Try it MIGHT help for you. I hope this works for you and I'm sorry about your loss!! Rebecca

Web,

I am sorry for you loss. It is hard to have to deal with a situation we have NO CONTROL over. NONE, we are left with no means out of these feelings, there is no solution, no fix. All we have are the feelings of what didn't I see or hear when talking to that sibling. It still the same question--WHY.

The best answer that I have is---WE WILL NEVER KNOW! We are expecting to know the reasoning of someone that we can't read their minds, I don't care if their family or not, we STILL can't read their minds. We cannot walk in their footsteps and fix all their problems. If we could do that don't you think we would not just for this sibling but for our own children. We cannot fix what we cannot see, feel, or know about.

Then there comes the blaming of God. Why, well because he is the all knowing, he could have stop this, he could have fix all the problems that the sibling was going through, why didn't he! Why, because just I tell my children, I am your mother, I can only give you the knowledge of right from wrong, but I cannot walk the road for you, I can only hope for the best, what you do with your life is your CHOICE. That is how I feel when it comes to blaming God for everything bad that happens to us. He has given us the bases, only we can walk the road and make our own choices, bad,good,ever lasting--in the end if he took our freedom of choice away, then we would be nothing more the puppets.

You are facing a loss that you cannot change, but you are doing the right thing by Choosing to get help with the sorrow. Being able to go through a day without thinking about this will eventually come to you, because you come to understand there is nothing you could to change his choice. You learn to understand peace of mind, body and yes even spirtually is something we strive to achieve, it not just handed to us, we have to work even harder because of the loss.

thank both of you so much. I have found that keeping a little book where I just write down random thoughts and letters to my brother does help. Since the post I have talked with my dad about my feelings. We have always been a close family but never the closeness to where we discuss feelings or what we're thinking/feeling. He turned out to be a tremendus help to me going through this. And as you said, talking about the memories, good and bad, are a lot of help. I still don't understand why, I know I never will, its just a thought that passes through my mind everyday that I wish I could find an answer to. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him and all the times we had. Being from a small country town in Alabama, all of our fun was outside in the woods. Me and him used to give some bicycles hell. My dad recently has been keeping himself busy doing things around the house he's been putting off for years and found all of our old bikes and had them hanging on the back wall of the barn... I bet we have about twenty of them up right now. All have chains broken, rims bent, handlebars twisted, I mean we really did anything possible to those bikes haha. He was always the daredevil who would jump anything or speed down tree covered hills and tell me I was too chicken to do it. Being the little bro I couldn't let him show me up. We had a blast. I know this holiday season will be tough for anyone who has suffered a loss of a loved one. I'm sorry to hear about your mom rebecca, I know she's up there looking down on you with a great big smile. That's the way I like to think of my big bro anyway.. I hope you do well this season! Write me back and we'll talk

Keep talking to your dad. That's a good thing:) I was trying to mail you on here but can't so I'm writing to you on the answer thing. I was going to tell you that keeping the memories close to you is a good thing. As for the whole not knowing why he did this I can't give you advice for that. I know why my mom did what she did. So I'm not really going through that thank God cause if I did I would be in more of a wreck than I am now:( But what I can tell you is keep talking to your friends about it and if you have a girlfirend talk to her and let her be there for you cause that's what you need. The holidays are going to be rough for us but we need to go on with our routine. I have bad memories of holidays so I don't really like them anyway, now its going to be worse for me cause I can't talk to my mom. But what I can tell you is that you have your dad and the rest of your family and your friends and when the holidays to come just stick around them and have fun. Your brother wouldn't want you NOT to have fun during the holidays cause he would feel bad knowing that you are miserable because he killed himself. He's going to be with you every time you ride your bike or doing something that you two used to do together. For example my mom and I used to go to this pond together and feed the duck bread and when I go to the lake down by my house I feed the ducks the bread that I don't eat and I can feel my mom with me spiritually and emotionally almost like if she was there with me. But its not physically but I still have that feeling. And hopefully you will find out the reason that he did it. I didn't get a chance to say good bye to my mom. I never will physically ( I don't know where she's buried and my brother won't tell me) and that's the only way I can EVER have closer on anything is to actually say good bye even if its to my dead fish lol when I scoop them out of my tank. But keep writing that's a good thing. Keep talking! And do good all the time or most of the time cause then you can say that your brother is looking down at you and he's proud of who you are and what your've become. I hope this helps and I'm always here for you and others! I've been through a lot but losing my mom is the hardest thing so far! Just hang in there and don't give up. There are also 1800 numbers in front of the phone book one is the suicide hot line. I called them when my mom first died and the lady sat on the phone with me for hours comforting me and talking to me and I felt good. They are there for you. You don't lhave to feel suicidal. Just tell them your situation and they will help you like we do! And I'm sorry to about your brother and my mom. My dads family is from Arab Alabama I'm not sure if I spelled that right but I went there to burry my grandma and its pretty up there. Take care Rebecca