Hi eneryone.
In a way I'm desperate.
All my years I was straight.
My experiences were only with woman and I never liked men.Ever!
The last 3 years I met a guy who now is my best friend.I have him like a brother to me.I always care for him and I support him with every possible ways like money because I... love him.
These 3 years changed me.He changed me.Now I don't think about women and only for him but I don't like men also.Only him.
I can't explain that exactly but now it't to painful to me.I don't know what to do.I ache inside me every morning I wake up and I visualize scenarios with me and him to bed and other stuff.The truth is that he is straight.I know that.(As for me I don't know what I am.Since I liked women despise men and now I adore him).
But I want to suggest me what to do right now.Or in the future.
I'm afraid that if he finds now me feelings he will abandon me.And of course if this happens I will kill myself.So what I should do?
It hurts me that he don't know my feelings, it will hurt me if he founds the truth and go away so now it's a dead end for me.
On the other hand all this time especially the last year I tell him about stereotypes generally (not gay stereotypes particurarly) and I gave examples with straight relationships how end it or how unstable they are.
I also want to mention that I am 10 years older than him.it's 30-20.But I looked like him outside that's why we have this strong friendship up until now.Plus many many comments.
So I'm asking you what to do?

Sometimes Thor, we meet people who bring out feelings that catch us by surprise, and we don't know what to do about them. Fact is though, no matter how we feel we always strive to stay within the boundaries of good behavior, and act on the facts, and not the impulses strong feelings give us.

Simply put, know the difference between reality, and fantasy, and keep them both in the proper place. Having strong feelings for another person is human, and what you do about them is a choice.

So do nothing about your fantasies, just enjoy your friendship to its fullest, and be grateful, and respect each others boundaries. You know he is straight, so respect that, and do nothing to disrespect him, or the friendship, and deal with your feelings. Then you won't lose a good friend, and have to kill yourself for making an impulsive bad judgment.

Sounds like a major one way bromance. But you have to understand that those feelings can happen. Its an extreme form of attachment. Did you get out of a bad relationship or a really negative thing happen right before meeting him because that could be a factor in this?

If he is straight and plans on staying straight then telling him probably won't make him want you the way you grew to want him. Try dating other people, not exclusively though, date both sexes if you're comfortable with it. That could possible alter your feelings towards him.

I am sorry if this is not as helpful but don't try to change or hide who you are. When the moment comes you'll know if telling him is worth it or not.

I wish I could tell you to go for it and I wish you could be happy with your "friend", but you are honest enough : it's a "dead end." He's straight, so off limits.

It's new and scary. I think you should see these feelings as an opportunity to really find yourself (from what I understand, he's been the only male you felt something for so far) so why not try to date other guys first, just to see if it's what you want? Having fantasies about someone is different than actually living things (I'm talking about intimacy, mostly) and if it doesn't feel right with someone, try with someone else. Date a girl, date a guy, another guy, or a girl again, until you find what you're looking for.

Whether you are straight, gay or bi, the result won't change. He's your friend. If you are gay, I'm sure he'll understand. And when you find the person you were looking for, you will be thankful all this happened and helped you on your way. I wish you good luck and a happy ending :)

It sounds like your friend has been the one steady factor in your life for awhile. He is the person that you turn to for help to get through lifes ups and downs.

Somewhere along the line, you have let this strong connection of friendship and comradery turn into physical lust. Suicide has never resolved any problems or relationships. Have you thought about getting some professional counseling, they would be able to listen without judgement. In the mean time I would NOT mention your feelings to your friend.

Thank you.You gave me hope and of course you remind me the word friendship and that calms me a bit.
So for the other thing I will be patient until I saw something from him?Is that right?

No I haven't a bad relationship before or a bad broke up.
And the fact is that I don't know if he is a straight.I assume this from his behavior.
But I also straight behavior because I'm consider to be straight.So how can understand what he is?

I can't go out with other boys.I don't like boys.I liked girls.But now with him.Only with him I can't even think about girls.
Is there a way to find if he is totally straight?Or at the end he can accept an experience with other guy?What can I do?

Correct.He changed me in a lot of ways.Even in the way that now I can see him as a lover.And yes you are right.Strong connection of friendship may turn this into physical lust as you say.An advice from where?
I have never done this before.

I want to add also...

That I know him 3 years.I met him at my work.And we're working together.
At first I saw him as a good friend and nothing more.Of course my mind it was only to women.
During the second year we both feels that we have SO many comments.
It was the first time this in my life that I met someone with so many comments.
At the third year it happens.I "stuck" with his behavior and his attitude.I loved everything about he said or do even his expressions of his face.His voice, his smell and last everything outside of him.Sometimes when he speaks about sexual content I'm trying to change the world not because I'm jealous or something but because if he speaks about something really sexual I may get horny.
The thing is that he is little about his age.He is 20.I'm thinking that maybe he haven't yet discover his id.Even I don't know what I am anymore after this.
But the thing is that I don't hang out with boys.And after him neither with girls.
So maybe you can tell me something to do from now on.Is there a trick during a conversation?When we fight for fun what I should do?
I also want to mention that now I'm going to leave in my new permanent house.And at last I can bring friends in my place.
I never slept before together.You know not at the same bed.As friends in a house.
So this one will be mine and he is very excited now that we can stay many days together etc. etc. etc.
So what I should do now.Can I do a move or not? Without hurt him of course or losing him from my friend because he is my bro not just only a friend!
I appreciate for your answers.

Sorry for the trouble guys but I want to add something.
I really appreciate what you are doing here.Is just I want to calm myself.I want to find myself again.Because now I'm losing everything.
Sometimes if a girl (just friend of us) hag him I feel jealous.Why is that.
I don't want to think if a girl go to kiss him.
Maybe I'll go crazy!I don't know how I'm going to react.
I want him mine.All mine.I think him of my property.Sometimes I jealous even because he hang out with some other friends.
I'm trying not to saw him that but the more I hid my feelings the more I ache.And I don't know what to do anymore.
Also sometimes I'm thinking not to meet him in the day.Because if I don't feel him near me I feel good.But then again if I lost a day with him I feel sick, lost and I get crazy with phones just to talk to him.Just to hear him.
Why is that.Why with not a single man.I don't like the idea sex with a man.I feel sick.But with him is different.Why that feeling?
Why now I can't think of women because every time in my head is him.
What I should do.I think I'll become crazy!

You need to check the internet for counseling in your area. They will have a list. Or contact your MD doctor and ask for a referral. You need to get some help with this, you have let it turn into an obsession. You are unable to react on your feelings so you sit and dwell on them.

You are already planning, and looking forward to spending some time alone with this fellow. Since no one can predict what will happen when two people get together, then you can only see what happens. I mean have you told him you will sleep in the same bed?

If what you have written is accurate, then it sounds mutual to me. There can be no friendship without honesty, and respect, through communication. Not assuming, and presuming.

When you were 27, you developed feelings for a 17 year old male.

You want him to be 'you property', you are jealous when he hangs out with his friends, you also say that if you come clean about your feelings for him, and he rejects you, you will kill yourself.

I don't know why, if he is working, that you support him every which way, including financially.

I get the impression that the (now) 20 year old enjoys the benefits of a relationship, without being committed to the relationship. And I'm not so sure that it is particularly okay, that this stared when he was a teenager. It is very possible that he is quite aware of how you feel about him, and that he is using you, knowing you provide for him in all ways as you said. I think you are kidding yourself if you think he is not at least somewhat aware that he knows how you feel about him.

Are you sure you aren't seen as a 'sugar daddy' by him?

Does he still live at home with his parents? When he was 17 and hanging out with you, did this cause any problems because you were 27?

Your infatuation with him, you call it love, is, in my opinion, extremely unbalanced, and very unhealthy- for you. The extreme levels of your feelings toward a person that have not been reciprocated in any way, leaves you in a very vunerable position to not only be used, but to be devastated when he (likely) will reject you, because he is not gay, and a gay relationship is not on his radar. If he were gay, and he wasn't attracted to you, and you could both be honest about it, I'm still not sure that you would be able to handle being rejected by him.

If he were a woman instead of a young man, and you felt as strongly about 'her', my advice would be the same. This has little to do with a gay relationship per se, but a perceived relationship, that does not exist, with a young man in your case.

You are kidding yourself if you think that you aren't gay, and only gay his one time, and this one time only. Or bi. To be honest with you, I don't know why we label ourselves in the first place, it just puts up giant roadblocks and hardship for those that are gay, bi, or what have you. But that is beside the point.

I agree with the others that you are wound up tighter than a drum here, and are unsure not only of your sexuality, but you are also heading down a slippery slope when you refer to potential parters as 'property', and you have feelings of jealousy, in such extreme thoughts as to consider suicide if you are rejected.

Before you do anything, please seek counselling. Copy your posts here and give them to a therapist, and begin with what you have said so far. For you to be a happy person, not obsessed with someone or something that does not exist in a reciprocal way, is taking on a life of its own, and if you continue this way without some understanding into your own behaviour and thoughts, you will most likely not only be rejected, but you lack the skill in my opinion to deal with rejection.

Love is not what you have described, or defined. As long as there is no one there who shares that love you have toward them, with you, no relationsip exists.

Ask his views on homosexuality you don't have to come out & say you might be & falling for him. But his views can determine your next move

I red all what you write and thank you for that.
I ve never felt gay or bi in my life.Believe me or not.Doesn't make any difference though.
The thing is that I feel strong feelings for this person.Maybe because I see him like a small brother, maybe I see myself on him when I was 20 or 17 and I have already tell him that I don't want to mess with some bad stuff in his life and live a life withought pain,sadness etc. or maybe I see the strongest friendship I ve ever have.I don't know.
But the thing is that this came out as love from me.Not really came out OK.But you know what I feel inside.
Maybe in the future might pass this in time.Maybe it goes the same but weaker.
The thing is that I consider your posts here (and thank you very very much about that also thank you for not complain about my english :) ) and I came to this.
I have to be strong now.Because I have this perfect friendship and right now it's the most important to me and my friend.So I will keep patient and see where is going to lead this but I'll give all myself to him just to be happy.I think this will never change.
If I have some new experiences may discuss here again with you?
Thanks again.I really appreciate it.

p.s:Are you sure you aren't seen as a 'sugar daddy' by him? From Jake 2008 .
Probably and I don't want that of course.But I'm curious from what you ve said here=>
It is very possible that he is quite aware of how you feel about him, and that he is using you, knowing you provide for him in all ways as you said. I think you are kidding yourself if you think he is not at least somewhat aware that he knows how you feel about him.

^^Emm... maybe he knows I don't know.But then again I can't be sure can I?I mean how?Sometimes he asks me why you are doing so much for me.And he watching me in my eyes like he wants to hear something.But I always tell him that I am a very generous guy (it's true all my life I give I give I give of course for him more than anyone else) and that if you feel happy for something I feel twice happy than you.It's true that.But it also means that I have some other feelings for him.I can't right now say something to him for that.I just can't.It will hurt me more if I break up this strong friendship that we have right now.So I keep my patience to the fullest.No worries for now.

Last thing to say is this...

I wish one day these words here (which are came threw my heart) somehow go to him and read them.Honestly I will feel much better.But not now.
All these hear that we have said.
Thanks again.

He live with his parents but he told me in 3 years for now that he wants so badly to come and live in the apartment that I rent next to mine.Does that mean anything?

I never said to him that we will sleep in the same bed.But I guess we can come closer when we see a movie or play a game or something in a couch for example.I don't know.I'm afraid to do a move not knowing his true intentions.

Sorry for the trouble here but I just remembered something and I will be happy to provide some advice here.

One day at the second year that we know each other he said something that I wasn't able to advice him very clearly because I didn't know myself a lot about that.
He said that he knew a friend from his school and meet him one day and threw their discussion his friend said that he is gay.
Then he said to me what to do right now?
He seek advice from me that he wants to be a friend with this guy but he didn't know if it was right or wrong to have a friendship with a gay person because some others will tell him that this is wrong.
I said to him that is not wrong or bad to have a gay friend since he doesn't bother you.Because I also think the same.
I never think myself at the same position as it came now.This is tragic irony right? OR funny.
But the thing is that now consider all that I don't know what he felt back then (atlist he said that he don't mind to have this person as friend) or what he feels now about that because this conversation not came in the table since now.
So what do you think about that?
He said that because of an defense mechanism or what?Because he said that not just in front me but to some other guys to seek an advice.
I also see him in some way sad and very troublesome.
Sorry about all this trouble and for not remember this earlier but I'm hoping to tell me something about that.

Thor

I'am waiting to see the post that states you have started your counseling. I want to see what the counselor has advised.

All I see now is you still dwelling on a man that you love and want to be with, yet you are not taking steps to accomplish this. You are the only one that can pickup the phone and make an appointment. This counselor should be able to advise what steps you need to take to either pursue this or how to move on. Aren't you getting just a little tired of speculating of what could happen, don't you want to actually get results.