Is there anyone out there who would listen? I have too much in my mind, I can't think straight. I need to get my thoughts out but there's no-one to talk to -- nowhere to go. I feel like I'm slowly falling into depression and that's the last thing I need right now. Would anyone just listen? Not talk, I wouldn't want opinions or advice. I'd just like someone to listen. Anyone.

I find just writing and getting everything out that has been running around in my head without input from others is very helpful to my mental health. I save it in a file so I can reread it when I am ready to confront/deal with whatever is bothering me. Since you want someone else to interact with, why don't you just write everything out here? Then, you can come back and read what you wrote when you are ready to do so. I am willing to "listen to" (it will be in the form of reading) anything that you want to say. I promise I won't give you advice if you don't want any. Hopefully others here will respect your wishes as well. I will post back only to let you know I have read what you wrote. If you do want advice or opinions from me or others, just let us know. :)

I've tried writing -- I used to write all the time. There were so many saved documents in my laptop I started to worry someone would read them, so I deleted them all. I regret it. I regret a lot of things.
I just feel like there isn't a reason to live - which sounds a bit melodramatic - but it's the only way to describe how I am feeling. I don't even know why I do anything anymore. There's no joy when I eat. There seems to be no rest when I sleep. I hate everything suddenly. I hate college, I hate the people around me, I hate the way I live and I hate who I am. I never used to mind not having anyone to talk to because I used to cry at night. Whenever I cried, I'd wake up in the morning feeling better. But I can't even cry anymore. I think the tears have all been used up.
I know exactly why I'm feeling the way I am. I know all the reasons. And they're reasons that cannot be changed, no matter how hard I could try. And I've tried and tried. I'm sick of trying.
The reason I don't want any advice is because it makes no sense to me. Just because someone tells me that I am "a strong person and will get better" doesn't help me in any way feel better about myself. It never has done. Although, I wish it did work. It would make my life so much easier.
There's so much bubbling up I don't know where to start.

If you want your life to be easier you have to take steps to make it easier, don't expect everyone around you to change for you. Why don't you take a trip away from everything? Try new things, have a few new experiences and really put yourself out there. See a councillor? You have to realise that life is hard and you do get out of the bad times and that there are people a whole lot worse off then you and are still living. Everybody has a reason to live - considering you're still in college you haven't found your reason yet. Also, from reading your post it seems that nobody else is effecting the way you feel, so it must be in your mind - the reason you feel lonely and that you have no reason to live. You say that you don't want any advice, why did you write on here? We're just trying to help you but you're very stubborn in believing you've done enough trying and that you've done everything you can when believe me, you haven't. There is always something in the distance that will make your life a whole lot better, you just need to keep believing.

Okay Siseul. I have read what you wrote. No advice or opinions here. I understand everything you are expressing. I understand the laptop concern. Since no one knows who you are, you don't have that worry here. Keep writing and posting. I will come back.

I don't expect anyone to change for me.
I know there are people worse off than me, which is another reason as to why I'm feeling so bad.

I wrote on here because there's nowhere else to go.
I'm sorry for wasting your time.

siseul, you are not wasting my time. Please don't leave.

Ramona, nothing personal but I agree with Siseul. He/she never stated any expectations of change by anyone. Unless Siseul disagrees with me, please respect his/her wishes for no opinions or advice.

Siseul.

You haven't wasted my time or just_another_lemming's time, honestly. I really want to help, I do, but you make it quite difficult and I apologise if I come off too strong but I can't bear the thought of someone wanting to end their life like I have in the past, it's a horrible feeling and its even worse when you lose someone because they felt that way. I lost my brother when I was thirteen and none of my family had any idea until it happened and we read that note. I will keep posting to you and help you but you have to be open to advice and opinion.

Ramona, I am sorry for your loss but no, he/she does not have to be open to advice or opinion. Siseul was quite specific about that. He/she also never stated that they wanted to end their life. Please reread the posts. You are misinterpreting what Siseul is saying.

Siseul, please don't leave. Pretend you are posting to yourself as you did on your laptop. Ignore us. You don't have to interact with us if you don't want to. Just please do not stop writing. I will read everything you write.

I'm very sorry about your brother. But I don't want to take my life.
And I do realise that life is hard. It's very hard. It's unbearably hard.

Not every puzzle can be solved, by the way. What if there were a missing piece? You could make up the whole puzzle, but there'd always be that empty space. It would be forever empty. Then someone might decide that because one piece is missing, it'd be all right to take another. And some other person may feel the same and take yet another tiny piece. Until the once tiny empty space grew and grew until the whole puzzle was an empty space. You'd never get the pieces back, and if you did - there'd always be that first piece missing. Forever missing and forever empty.

Focus not on the empty space but the rest of the puzzle. I will not add further advice/opinion, like just_another_lemming said, just keep writing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by siseul

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Not every puzzle can be solved, by the way. What if there were a missing piece? You could make up the whole puzzle, but there'd always be that empty space. It would be forever empty. Then someone might decide that because one piece is missing, it'd be alright to take another. And some other person may feel the same and take yet another tiny piece. Until the once tiny empty space grew and grew until the whole puzzle was an empty space. You'd never get the pieces back, and if you did - there'd always be that first piece missing. Forever missing and forever empty.

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This was very interesting to read! Please keep writing.

Your writing and views on things are very philosophical and somewhat beautiful.

siseul, I really like the way you express yourself. Your writing is very poetic.

I don't have any advice or opinions but I am wondering what compelled you to use that analogy. Will you talk about why you feel this way?

I used to pretend a lot. I remember I used to lie to my teachers in Primary about how I used to live. I used to tell them that I lived in a castle and that my name wasn't what they thought it was. I told them my parents were married and had been for years. That I'd attended their wedding and I remember how beautiful I'd imagined it. But those were stupid lies. I've been pretending and lying and drifting my whole life.
I've never thought that an unstable childhood would affect anyone - I always thought it was an excuse. But maybe it is true. Maybe it does affect a person slightly. Maybe the fact that I'm realising this is causing it to affect me, if that makes any sense at all.

Nothing makes sense.

It never made sense ten years ago when a girl named Georgia bullied me because of the colour of my skin, for she was black. She told me I was disgusting, "a hideous half-caste". It never made sense because I'm not a half-caste. It never made sense when my mother used to tell me things about my dad. Horrible things. For he would tell me the same horrible things about her.

I don't see the sense in getting up every morning, doing the same things every day, working a job that pays money to pay bills for a house to keep you warm until you get up the next day to do the same thing. It makes no sense and I make no sense. And I should get some sleep because there's college tomorrow.

****ing college. I only go because when I told my mother I was unsure about it, she yelled and screamed about how she would lose her benefits if I wasn't in full-time education. And then she says stupid things like: she's happy if I'm happy. As if. As if she is. She's happy if I'm pretending to be happy so that she can pretend to be happy that I'm happy.
Oh! I'm rambling.

I'll explain it later, maybe. I'm too worked up and tired right now. Sorry.

No problem siseul. I had to step away for a short time, and now I actually have to sign off in a few minutes. Try to get some sleep & we can catch up tomorrow. I want a chance to reread this last post of yours anyway.

The analogy -- it's not really something I put a lot of thought into. It's just something I believe. I feel like there's something missing for me, in my mind. Like I'm underdeveloped maybe. I know that there are things about myself that are far better than others. I have somewhere to live; there's always food in the house; there's hot water and I'm kept warm every day. But I've never really been a stable person with a stable, held down life. I feel like I'm drifting. Like gravity does not affect my body at all and the only thing that holds me down is the weight from my clothes -- and the rain, when it comes down. I used to enjoy the rain.

I think ever since I was a child I knew that I'd be a failure, even though my mother wanted me to do something with my life. She always pushed and pushed me towards "greatness". But I was never cut out for it. I struggle immensely to learn academically. I'm good with general knowledge, I can remember trivial facts as easy as pie, but academically I am a failure. I passed my exams, just. But I have no talent in anything special. The only talent I have at all is to pretend.

Now I'm in college, which isn't going any better than Secondary School. I don't know what I want to do with myself because everyone else has taken away my dreams and replaced them with theirs. They've taken pieces of my puzzle. So I'll be drifting along until I die, with gaps in my mind. There are other gaps, too. My father took some pieces when he left all those times throughout my childhood -- which I never expected would bother me. But it does, it really does, I realise it now. He took some pieces when he hurt me that one time, too. My mother has been replacing my pieces for words ever since I was old enough to listen. Old enough to listen to her problems and her thoughts and her stories and her worries. She took my pieces and put them in her ears, so she couldn't hear any of my words. My words have just been pouring out of me, trying to fill the empty spaces that are already filled with the problems of everyone else. That's why no-one hears me -- my sounds are too busy filling their rightful places that have unfortunately already been filled. My oldest brother has always had a piece of my puzzle, but that is the only piece that was given. He can keep it -- it's the only way I know that he remembers me.

I feel like there are only a few bits left of me. And the ones that are left are broken. They're cracked and split and screwed up. Thrown away bits of paper that someone decided wasn't worth the effort. I'm not worth an effort. What is there of me? I don't belong anywhere. I am coloured and scarred. Scars haunt me and my body will never be right. My face is hideous, as I have been told many times before. I am slow and can't learn very well. I have Severe Joint Hypermobility Syndrome which means I am a freak. And I have no soul. I have no heart -- it's broken. There is no joy when I do anything anymore. No joy when I eat, no rest when I sleep, no love. And more recently, no hate. I only feel sadness. Sadness that cannot be expressed through tears. Sadness that will only build and build until I go crazy, which has already started, I think.

I am only existing in this world. I'm floating around, hopelessly, worthlessly. I will end up alone. Everyone does. I will work and sleep and eat alone - and in the end, I will die alone and bitter and forgotten. There is nothing of me and there never will be. I think I'm only feeling so down because I am realising this. There is no personality in me, so no-one will be happy to be around me. There is no joy when looking in my direction, only disgust. There is no hope when speaking to me, only apathy. I am useless and worthless and meaningless. I exist -- and that is all. No life, no love, just existence.