In a nutshell, I got fed up of myself, I got stressed out with school, it started good first year I had a 3.7 GPA, then I went to summer school to learn a second language, 4hours a day for 3 months, ended up just barely passing, it burned me out. I went back to school for fall semester failed two classes, got about a 1.4GPA, this last spring semester I just barely got a 2.0GPA. I was just being really lazy and I couldn't handle it, I was "making" too much money I guess (30K in student loans currently), I bought a bunch of stuff with the left over money, I was living the high life. Lost about 8000 in poker over 3 years (I don't/won't play anymore) really loved the game though. Then last week I got picked up by the sheriffs deputies, out in the mountains, with my gun. There is a huge back-story of why they where there, (partially because I called them about my car) but long story short, I told them everything, I got involuntarily admitted to a hospital, I was there for about 96 hours. I told the sheriffs deputies that I wanted to just get away from everyone, that I wanted to die, and that I thought about killing myself but dismissed it as an option. What they don't know is that I had thought killing myself at least 4 other times, and got all the way to the point of putting the gun to my head on all occasions. Every time regretting that I didn't do it and I still do. (I still have my guns, I will never kill myself BTW I am just not strong enough).

When it comes down to it, I just don't trust myself. I feel like I am broken like a horse, just beat into submission by who knows, myself maybe. I am just feel tired all the time, extremely depressed, I feel sorry for my life, I feel sorry for myself. I also feel sorry for everyone else, and I feel sorry for the whole world. I feel like I don't belong here, that there is nothing in this world for me. Then on the other hand I know that I have nothing to contribute to society, that I am just going to be a leech for the rest of my life. I know what I need to do but I just can't get myself to do it. I just don't trust myself, I can trust that everything I say is wrong, when I can know something in my mind and be so sure of myself just to be proven wrong. I find myself reading things and I read a word or sentence and I read what I want to read and have to go back and read it again to understand what it says. For example I can read a sentence and I do this weird thing that about after reading the sentence half way I jump to the end and fill in the rest with my own thoughts. I do math but every once in a while I will read a number wrong or write it down wrong, or when I dial a phone number I mix up a few numbers. Only every once in a while this happens. But I know it's not dyslexia, it is a laziness, I just don't concentrate on what I am doing, I expect myself to be able to do these things without thinking about it. So I have learned to not trust myself, I can't do anything right, and no it's not some self satisfying delusion. That is the solid truth, but who knows, I have been wrong before.

My therapist says that I am a perfectionist, that I beat myself up over every mistake I make then I never really try to do anything, I just can't believe that. I never try to do anything perfect, I never try, I don't want to. I want to die, I want to quit wasting everyone's time and energy, I hate this existence. I have already made too many mistakes to trust myself, I can't expect other people to trust me. I can't pay my bills because I won't get a job because they all require some sort of expectancy that I can do it right, even at a fast food restaurant.

Also I try to avoid people as much as possible, because I hate having to deal with them, and their lives and the drama. I have to push girls away and never talk to them so I won't mess up their lives with mine. I can't have friends for the same reason. Besides I don't deserve to "know" anybody, and everyone hates how I am such a shut-in and I push everyone away but I am just trying to protect them from me.

Then on the other hand I want to just put myself out to everyone and make everyone carry my weight, make everyone take care of me, be a leech on everyone so everyone will regret letting me live in the first place. Especially my parents, I am living with them right now but I despise them so much, they deserve to have to deal with me, I wish they would grow a pair and throw me out on the street. Heh, but they co-signed on my student loans, I guess that serves them right.

So why am I here, why am I writing this to you, who knows. Maybe there might be a glimmer of hope somewhere that you can show me, I doubt it but like I said, I have been wrong before.

Before you started school, what was your life like. Did you feel the same way, as you do now? What was school like the, and what was your social life like, did you have friends and did you have any activities such as sports or school clubs? Was starting college just an extension of where you are now, only with the same symptoms and history in a more exaggerated way? Had you had counselling or therapy prior to college.

I can see where it would be suggested that you are a perfectionist. I can also see where you deliberately sabotage yourself, and undermine even the smallest successes as you described how you 'solve' math problems. Knowing that you can do the work to get the answer, but choosing instead to fail, which is what it really is, is essentially gambling with the outcome.

And the gambling, along those lines. Investing money, continuously losing, betting on an uncerain outcome, is knowing that there is a continued negative consequence to the action, yet, you risk all the money you have, knowing that you'll be left with nothing eventually. Gambling, and risk taking (your education, your future), by undermining success at the same time, will eventually leave you nowhere.

And that nowhere place, is where you got on purpose. And being in that place, justifying it with all the losses all the way around, justifies, in a way, ending it all, because maybe you've reached the point, or are getting near the point, where you have created so much loss that there is no hope you can recover, so why go on.

So while your therapist may see you as being a perfectionist, which is the extreme end of, or cause of, success, all the perfectionistic behaviour, will only be underminded anyway, if I'm reading you right. The fip side in other words, is the crash, not unlike the crashes you have experienced during your life, both that whch you've have no control over, and those that you have had control over. Success, in other words, has come with extreme consequence.

Staying in this place you are in, and having predictable responses which indicate more to me, you are there on purpose, rather than design, makes me wonder why, when you can recognize your own behaviour patterns so well, are you not in therapy trying to figure out, why you do the things you do.

You can say your marks are what they are, but why. You can say you have such disregard for life, but why. You steel yourself from an emotional regard toward your parents, but why. What I'm saying is, do you have any insight into your own behaviour, that doesn't come with an obvious result. i.e. you chose to be lazy, therefore your marks are bad. Where did the lazy come from, and do you have, or have you been given enough insight/tools/strategy to cope with understanding why you make these choices.

That you don't seem particularly bothered by all the losses you have created, doesn't balance with 'just' being a perfectionist. You can be diagnosed with anything from clinical depression to bi-polar, and treated for the symptoms, but the bigger question is, why do those symptoms exist, how do you incorporate knowledge of same, and use that knowledge to chang. Why is that.

You are knocking down goals, one at a time, and eventually justifying it all, by what may have been the ultimate goal in the first place, which is to end it. But, something stops you, and you are here, which is a positive sign that you are struggling with all of it. Going through the motions of living, is not living, as you know. It isn't enough to succeed with a great GPA, because it doesn't prove anything, other than you can get a great GPA. If the marks were your goal toward achieving other goals, and was a step in that direction, that is a personal achievemen to build upon. But if your goal is to achieve a great GPA, just for the sake of proving you can, and it means nothing, why is that.

I am not privy to the conversations you've had with your therapist, or what he or she may have recommended for you. But if all you got out of therapy was a diagnosis, then you aren't even out of the starting gate.

I don't know if I'm even in the ballpark taking a stab at what might be going on here. But it seems there is a lot more under the surface, that has likely gone on for far longer than you starting college, and maybe what's under the surface of your words is something you can shed some light on.

(p.s. please excuse the little typo's, my keyboard is screwed.)

I really don't remember much of school up till 8th grade, not much really happened, I had a few friends but no one close. I went to high school in a small farming community, a very religious community very involved, the high school was a private christian school. 11th grade we moved to a small town, I closed myself off and played video games online, in online competitions and such with people I had know from years past. I played sports, football, basketball, golf, had a few people I smoked pot with about a dozen times (wasn't really that great just something to do), went to a party every now and then, but that was my whole high school, grades good, I was in national honor society, did some volunteer work. High school was really easy though never got stressed over anything, never studied except for exams right before class, when it came to math I other kids paid me to do their work (I hated math). Didn't really have much of problem mentally in high school, at least nothing that I recognized, never saw a therapist or anything.

The position I am in is hardly hopeless, all I have to do is get a job, the money I lost gambling is nothing compared to the money I wasted on crap, like a new TV, guns, sun glasses, and don't get me started on how much money I wasted on extra food, eating out at restaurants everyday, see I had a full ride through college, I got paid in fact about 12grand a year to go to college, with no expenses. However when my grades went down the tubes I had to pay for a semester, and that's where my 30k of debt comes in, plus now I have no income to pay my credit cards and stuff so those bills are included.

The only reason why I can think of is that I just don't care, if that's a reason, the thing is if I have a mental disorder that must be cured by drugs I will not use them if they will make me happy enough to use my full potential to make billions of dollars, and be the smartest man on earth. The problems I have I have to deal with physical or mental, I was made this way I have to live with it, if that is the case.

Oh there is probably a lot more, I am not sure how to identify it though, I am your average basket case.

I am happy to read that you had a pretty good upbringing, nothing really out of the ordinary, everyday angst just like the rest of us. Also happy to read that you had experience and involvement with others in sports and school. You sound like a good kid.

If I read you right, the huge debt you are carrying is front and centre of things you have to get control of. While I still wonder why, and what underlies the accumulation of 'stuff', for now, let's get some pressure off.

Are your parents aware of the debt you are carrying? $30,000 is a huge amount of money, but it is not so huge that there are not remedies available to you to pay it off. One is to get to a debt counselling agency, many of whom are funded by donation, and are non-profit. They can contact your creditors (especially the credit card companies), stay the interest, and negotiate payback, even so many cents on the dollar. A repayment plan to a creditor is better than nothing, or having no return at all should you go bankrupt.

Find a job, any job. Even if the job is to cover the payment you will need to give to the debt counsellor for the bills. If you are continuing to go to school, a budget will provide for what you need, so it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Let your parents in on what is happening with you. If they see you taking concrete steps to resolve the financial (and resulting behaviour changes), my guess is they will help you out. Don't push them away. You aren't the first person, nor will you be the last, to have to clean up a mess, and need help to do so.

If you are still spending too much time on your computer, schedule yourself (I get the impression you are a disciplined person for the most part), and cut back online activities by 50%. Use the time not on the computer,to connect with other people, live. Join a club or group and get busy with other people who have similar interests. Volunteer at your local food bank even 2 hours a week, every other week. It will help keep things in perspective for you.

Things are out of control, until you get a grip on them, and you have to get a grip on them, or they will only get worse. The only solution is to come up with a plan. Organize and prioritize a list of things that must be taken care of. Find the courage to face each item, one item at a time. Enlist the help and support of your parents. I doubt they expect perfection from you, anymore than they expect it of themselves. I don't know of a single person who hasn't struggled with overwhelming problems, with debt being at the top of the list. That is why there is so much help out there to get you on track.

I don't believe you are incapable of this. If you can focus and get that level of determination back that saw the great marks, you can handle organizing and tackling your life. The first payment you make, even if it's $1.50 toward that debt, and know that you are in control, and will eventually have it paid off, will really give you a sense of accomplishment. YOU are in control, not your debtors.

It is amazing how fast a life can get out of control. Again, just life experience teaches one how to cope and survive without feeling and going through extreme stress. But, you have aptly explained already what you need to put on that list, and I'd like to add one more thing.

There is a type of therapy called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I would be surprised if your college or community does not have qualified therapists who offer this. Do a little research and see if this appeals to you. It isn't psychotherapy, it isn't drug based. It is a hands on type of brief therapy (usually involving around six visits or so) to identify, and correct 'thinking errors', and it teaches you how to better understand and organize your thinking, in order to have, or regain control, of life's problems.

I hope I am not over simplifying anything, but I urge you to consider counselling, and establish a link to resources that can help you.

In the meanwhile, don't let yourself become overwhelmed to a point where you see no way out, except to end it. Tap into that side of you that will let a few people in, to help steer you out of this place, and into a much more manageable future. I think you will be surprised at how supportive and effective complete strangers might be.

And, I hope you'll post more, and I wish you all the success in the world. You have all the right skills, and the intelligence to actualize them to put these problems behind you.

That's well and good, but I just can't seem to get over that overwhelming hurdle of having any desire to do any of these things. I can't seem to motivate myself to do much at all. Yea I've been through this several times before, getting everything straight writing everything down, knowing the next step, having everything laid out with a solid plan. Doesn't last very long before I screw something up and wind up back where I started.

Every word you type here is nearly every word I've wanted to say about how I feel, but couldn't ever get it out properly. I don't have any solid advice because I'm now sort of shaken, but I did want to say just how weird it is to sort of see someone else typing out what I think in my head. Not everything of course but... close, scarily enough that I just wanted to reach out and make some kind of connection. Err... I wish you good luck with everything, if you find a way to deal with feeling like this let me know haha! Same goes for me... if I ever do!

The thing about desire is, there is sometimes nothing, other than a cup of coffee in the morning, to get you going; I don't know too many people who wake up with the desire to get kids organized and ready for school, get the dog out, put in an 8 hour day at a job they hate, but have to do because it puts food on the table, then go home and cook, continue to take care of everybody elses' needs, hit the sack after a few loads of laundry, and then get up the next morning and do the same thing all over again.

Desire has not too much to do with day to day life, or day to day responsibilities. You can't avoid them, any more than you can avoid living, because it is just something you have to do, whether you want to. What you take on in this life, is, for most of us, is surviving, getting by, and providing for ourselves and others.

I can't tell you where to get the energy or courage to do things that you are capable of. It seems that you are intelligent and competent to realize what you need to do and the suggestions I've given you, you've either already done, and not interested in doing again because you have an overhelming hurdle to overcome, which is desire to do them.

If your life were a book, you have written the first chapter, then the second chapter has the plots and twists of actions that have had very negative consequences to you (for reasons still unknown), and you've gone from an already accomplished, prepared to take on the world person in the first chapter, to an entirely unmotivated, stagnant, unproductive place in the second. At times you've even hinted about how end of your story will end, without anything between the second chapter, and that point where it's all over.

How are you going to live through the chapters between the beginning, and the end.

I'm drawing blanks on why you are so casual about capping all your inactivity with simply an overwhelming lack of desire. That is not enough of a reason not to help yourself. Illness is, physical disability is, lack of skill, job loss, etc. are reasons to feel an overwhelming lack of desire to face the world, but even under the worst of circumstances (even those beyond your own control), a lack of desire is not enough to simply stop living.

I am certain there is more to you reaching this point than what you have already said. Something other than an overwhelming lack of desire, keeps you from getting help, because getting the help you need to solve the problems you have, is readily available to you at no cost, and little more discomfort than already revealing what you have here.

I am just really at a loss to understand why you choose not to change. And, until you make that decision to change, you will remain where you are. All the therapy and guidance and help will not change that essential component of wanting, and working toward, a better life for yourself than what you have now.

So we have ended up back at the beginning again, and nothing changes. I hope that at some point you find the tools and the desire within yourself to turn your life around. Nothing is insurmountable.

It's not so much that I choose not to change, I really feel that changing would be very beneficial to me. However, I feel that I just get stuck in the same trap over and over, like no matter which road I take there is something there to stop me, something different or the same every time that I cannot contend with. The thing is I don't know what is stopping me, I seem to have a mental block to it, and I feel that if I get help to figure it out I will loose myself.

That's why I said I don't trust myself, because everything I do is wrong, everything. Everyone tells me I am just being over dramatic and it can't possibly be that bad, but there is no other explanation. The one conclusion I keep coming back to is that I am supposed to be in this position. What if I am not capable of anything, and I don't know where people get this idea that I am intelligent, everyone can do what I can, EVERYONE. Unless I can do something that other people can't there is nothing for me, there are too many people in this world already to be doing the small things that while may be easy and small are important.

Let's put it this way I have the desire to want the desire, but I just can't seem to find it. If I was as smart as everyone says I am I wouldn't be in this position. This world has no need of someone like me. I used to believe everyone had a "right" to be alive, to live their life the way they saw fit, but I grow ever more certain that there are many people who don't, I myself included. The thing is I want to blame everyone else so bad, I want my problem to be the problem of everyone, why because I feel that everyone needs to learn to stop the problems before they happen. I look at the world and everyone else I and feel sick that people are the way they are, I feel ashamed to be a person, I have a feeling that is why I am where I am. It's a despair a hopelessness not for myself but for everyone else, I feel that I have to take on these feelings because everyone else chooses not to, and they should. More and more people are drinking themselves to death, drugs and alcohol to ease the pain of living. I want to change the world but I feel that no one deserves to have a better world until they realize what they are doing, it is always the easy way out, I don't think depression is a mental disorder but a social one, I think that all the problems we are uncovering aren't with the individuals but with the world.

I am going to continue ranting.

Let's take economics for example, where profit maximization is the main goal. However, people are always looking short term from CEO's to everyone. Take BP for example everyone says that the gulf coast disaster happened because of poor planning, trying to save every penny at the expense of safety, and it is partly true. BP wanted profit maximization in the short term, but in the end it with more cost in the long run, less profit overall, even if the disaster never happened.

Everyone thinks that maximizing profits is greedy and selfish and to the benefit of an individual only, but it is not true if you think about it in the right way. That way is to look at the long term sustainability of profit, which requires innovation, implementation of safety standards, growth on all levels, education of everyone, protecting the resources and your consumer, providing an ever increasing quality product that lasts, and maximization of every last bit of everything. Infrastructure is the key to all this, and it is an exponentially increasing effect when one understand that when you are a benefit to everyone else they are a benefit to you, if not directly, in some other way.

Economic theory can be applied to every facet of life, every second can be used to maximize the overall result of everything. From relationships to a customer service department of a multibillion dollar corporation.

Second to that is everyone has a dependence on the government, from social security and unemployment, all social services, of course there are things I agree that the government must control from the military to police and fire departments, but for the most part the government and it's control is a complete waste of resources, time, and money. Of course we need laws and such, but that's about it.

Let's apply the economic theory to corporations on a large scale and the recent failing of large financial entities. If there was a sense of pride on wall street we could let them run themselves but getting rich quick seems to be the way to go. It's like these fools that go to pawn shops, they can sell their family heirloom that is worth 5 grand for 2 grand or maximize their decisions and get the full amount later down the road. But a lot cash now is better than a ton cash later, and that needs to stop. If wall street really wanted to maximize their profits they wouldn't need to be governed they would be doing everything that needs to be done to make sure nothing like the stock market crash ever happens.

But we are starting at the top, real change starts at the bottom and that is why I hate Obama and why I know everything he is doing will fail. Because when it comes straight down to it, it is the common man that has all the power, the individual that has all the say. Take for instance Enron, if people really despised what they did, it would never be able to happen again, because people vote with their pocketbook. If someone saw a company become corrupt they could stop buying from them, it is that simple and people say it's not. Look how cheep are products have become, WHY? Because people buy them, stop going to walmart and buying cheep plastic crap, go to spend a little more money and get something that will last, INVEST FOR THE FUTURE. Across the board we will see a decrease in consuming everything, from the manufacturing the raw resources.

For example EVERYONE stops buying plastic crap from china, instead they buy a well made product from a reputable store, for twice the price. First of all we won't be using precious fossil fuels used to make the inevitable replacement item, because as soon as that plastic stuff from china breaks, it is going in the trash. Then we save on shipping costs and everything associated, we bring jobs back to the US because that is where quality goods are made and voilà several major problems are solved. It is that simple, in the US a majority of the money is owned by the masses, we have the majority vote. When we buy stuff that is our vote, and right now we are voting for the worst option available.

Economics is the key to the world, it will make everything better. Economics will help us invest in the productivity in future generations, but to understand economics you need to educate the masses, and right now we need to break through to people who think learning is stupid.

Sorry about that, there are some clear flaws in my rant, and I probably should have done it on paper instead of here. I understand that this isn't the place for this, and I kind of hijacked my own thread.

Anyway, take it for what it is, I want to clarify the last sentence though because it is not fair to all the teachers who put their lives on hold to help other people learn. It is not their fault, what I was trying to get at was the younger generation doesn't seem to care to know anything. You can see the effect it is having on the nation.

Unless you have, yourself, ever gone hungry, you wouldn't understand what life is like, for someone who has. Unless you have gone without shelter, you wouldn't understand someone who has. Without having lived through severe financial hardship that has not been caused by yourself, you would not understand the person who has found themselves without an income due to job loss, or mental or physical handicap, or downturns in the economy..

The poorest of the poor, with no resources, payouts, savings accounts, or assets to dispose of, are the most severely hit, and just surviving is the only goal. They are among, but not limited to, the working poor, and those on fixed incomes, or living subsidies through a welfare program who shop at Walmart that you refer to as contributing to the demise of the global economy. They cannot afford to spend more money on the same item at another store, in order to have the satisfaction of choice, of whether to buy cheap crap from China as you said. There is no choice.

Who do you think 'the masses' are. And why do you think 'we' need to educate them. If you want a lesson in how to make a bag of groceries from the local feed bank feed a family of four for a week, THAT is a lesson in economics.

You are not wrong in your opinions on economics, but you are not connecting the dots in how the powers that be, keep the poor, poor, and the rich, rich.

For most of us, living from paycheque to paycheque, do the best with what we earn. Most of us don't qualify for enough credit to, say, gamble away thousands of dollars. Those with resources, qualify themselves for money, spend it like there is no tomorrow, find themselves broke, and go through bankruptcy and start over. And the economy pays for this, and the cost of this is in taxes to those working, who's paycheque shrinks even more, and find themselves at Walmart for the goods they need to buy, because the dollars they make, subsidizes the bad choices of others, one way or the other.

And the economy, just even the bailouts we are all only too well aware of, costs the working poor, over the long run. So, while the poor, once again are faced with economic hardships, others benefit, by keeping them there. That, is also a lesson in economics.

Which brings us back to why you are where you are.

I do think that you lack of 'seasoning', and it is because you are young, and have been given a life that most people can only dream of. But, from what I've seen so far, you do not contribute anything in return for the gifts you have been given. To truly understand how fortunate you are, watch your local news, read the newspapers, do some research online, and instead of your observations on the economy focusing on 'the masses', see instead how you can contribute to a more just society. Work on your vision of how the world should be, starting with the people that share your world. That would be your community, your family, your friends.

Limit your life to changing what you can, and should you ever be, as a result, in a position to make life better for those less fortunate than yourself, I wish for you that you would do it without giving it another thought, and make it a part of who you are, not a theory of who you think 'they' are.

I hope that you will also become more aware that not living life, is not a choice. It is a waste. Not finding the courage to be motivated should not be an option either. But I think it is because you are very aware of this already, that I say you are making the choice to stay where you are.

And until you are willing to make changes in yourself, you are in no position to judge others.

I really wish you well, and I hope that you put your talent and energy into more productive goals that you are obviously quite capable of setting, and accomplishing.

Wow to be honest everything you said I can relate with. I also went to college right after high school but I was pretty lost at that time and wanted a reason to get out of my small town more so then to get an education. So I ended up blowing a lot of my line of credit on computer games, myself, and did a lot of partying. I then dropped out around Christmas time of that year and decided I would work for the rest of the year and then go back to school. It has now been 6 years and I find myself going in circles in life. Im 24 years old which is still pretty young but a lot of my friends are finishing university or starting families and I can't even keep a job. I have mad issues now, and I've done countless hours of research on why I have become the person I am today. I have gone back to my past and forgiven myself and others who may have affected my life. However I go outside from my apartment building I have to constantly remind myself "I love everyone, I love everyone, I everyone" in order for myself to speak to people without wanted to kill them with my eyes. I don't trust anyone with a 10 foot pool. I'm sure it stems back to my childhood, my mom divorced my father when I was 5 and re married shortly after to my current stepdad. My father wasn't there at all throughout my life. My step dad did his best to be our father but could have cared less for what we were doing. I become jealous of his son when he was born, I just wanted a guy figure to love me, but it never has happened to this day. Im sure they love me, but they don't know how to show it. Now I find myself not being able to get close to other guys. I'm all right around most woman but I find myself always having to remind myself that everyone has good in them. I have to fight all day constantly to see the good but my mind is always searching for the bad, its like a snap of a finger and Im off. My energy levels are off the rocker, I can go from being happy and then being depressed in a split second. I have never been to a therapists but would love the opportunity, I just can't afford it. My parents won't help me, mostly because they don't trust me now because of my past mistakes. I have a lot of regret in my life, I try and act like I don't but it's there. I have 4 other siblings who are doing very well in life, and then there's me, going nowhere but to different cities. I lost all my relationships with my brothers and sister because of my behaviors. I could go on and go on. I'm really not sure what to do at this point. I'm going to keep trucking but is this how my life is going to be for a very long time. My mind is very stubborn and seems to have control over me most of the time. I used to be very happy, I didn't worry about ****, I loved myself, my energy was amazing. It makes no sense how I can go from that to this and have to work my *** off to get back that same state. I suppose that's life but I wish people understand that its a lot hard then it seems. I have some **** going on inside my head that is ****ing me up. Who knows maybe it's a chemical imbalance. A doctor will just only subscribe me some pills which probably make me more depressed or whatever the **** I am. Everyone says its depression or anxiety. Everyone keeps telling me what to do and everything I do seems to be wrong. Bla bla blah Whatever... I just need to move on, but don't have the proper tools or help to do so. It would be ****ing sweet if there was a reset button in my brain sometimes lol.

Praecautus:

I just happened across this but couldn't help identifying a lot with your feelings. My question to you is have you ever been tested for giftedness or ADHD? I was identified as gifted in 3rd grade. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 37. Both bear upon the feelings you express. Most gifted people are simply misunderstood. Why be normal? You're valuing and judging yourself based on thoughts and ideals that were imprinted upon you by those in your environs as a child. You mentioned coming from a small town. You may have been the only one with your qualities and felt outcast and alone.

I highly recommend you read this article: http://www.sengifted.org/articles_adults/Kuipers_how_to_charm.shtml and check out Dr. Amen's work and take the ADD test here: http://www.amenclinics.com/cybcyb/online-tests-calculators/add-test/

I don't trust myself either. In a very different way. If this makes any sense to you it may validate me. I'd love to hear back.

Best,
Geoff

I am definitely not gifted... I don't think. I have never been overwhelmingly good at anything... yea if I am gifted then I nor anyone else can see it. I don't trust myself because I see myself as a liability, I honestly believe I cannot be put into a position of responsibility because I do not have the ability to control myself (in a way I have no problem controlling my anger or anything like that). Everything I do I always find myself making stupid mistakes. This isn't a one time occurrence that I am overly focusing on, I am talking about making mistakes after having a good amount of training and experience. My main area of focus my whole life, the only thing I really want to do, is law enforcement and/or the military. Unfortunately or fortunately, depending on the side of the line you stand on, I was hospitalized for attempting suicide (which I never did). Now in the governments eyes once suicidal always suicidal and I will no longer qualify for that type of work.

ADHD would be interesting I really do have a hard time concentrating on anything for an extended period. However, I do think it has more to do with the fact that I am depressed all the time. Also I really don't know if I do have a problem concentrating because there are things I do sometimes that take up a lot of time and patience, like when I did pottery a few years ago, I had to repair my friends car stereo wiring system and I had to sit there with a soldering iron for 5 hours and I never had a problem with that. I find I have ADHD when I am just plain not interested in what it is I am doing, there were times in college when I would refuse to read some required reading because it was so dry and boring and very uninteresting The concept was interesting but the material was very cumbersome.

Other than that I have a lot of social anxiety, especially now that I have a mental health record. I really don't trust telling anyone anything, I did that once and it ruined my life. I mean the things I want to tell someone in person, people really want to help me, but if I tell them I might as well commit suicide. I mean my life is literally over and I never did anything, I accept I will never be able to the things I want to do. Last thing I need is people looking down on me all the time. I wish I could have been a stronger person.

I really have nothing left to say.

It's sad that one disappointment leads to the next, and each disappointment is worse than the last, and the only solution you've seen several times is suicide, withdrawal from life, and no energy or desire to overcome the prolems you have. That ball just keeps on rollin'

While you have had therapy, and opportunities in that regard, to learn how to change your thinking, and thus improve your life, you make the choice not to. No amount of therapy will solve problems for you, unless you are willing to change. No amount of pills will alter your perception of life if you keep fighting yourself from getting the benefit of them, for example for depression or social anxiety. (If you have actually been diagnosed with a mental illness).

You live in a world you have created yourself, and it seems that over time, your world has become smaller and smaller. But, that is a choice too, and there are options for you as you know, but nothing will work if you don't want it to.

You are also intelligent enough to know that all the advice in the world, won't change anything either. While I think that somewhere inside you is a person who wants to change, for some reason, you don't. Why you choose this path in your life, I do not know.

But, I hope at some point you will find within yourself, some desire to live more fully, and step back into the land of the living again. But until you reach that point where you can step outside your comfort zone, and have your own goals and expectations, and the desire to reach them, no amount of words (at least from me) will replace that which you need to find within yourself.

I have never seen suicide as a solution or tried suicide, how come when that magic word comes up everyone stops and points fingers, I just don't understand. Heh, I created this world to an extent, now others are creating it for me and I am trapped here now. See the single problem I have is the record, the record that is keeping me here, preventing me from living my life the way I want to. Make it go away and all my problems are solved, it really is that simple.

Another thing is lay off the suicide crap, seriously I never have and never will do it. It is not a taboo subject either, when someone says suicide everyone gets all bent out of shape, it's not a big deal to talk about it I don't know what everyone's problem is.

Lastly to comment more on your post, I do have goals and expectations, do a little reading and find out. I am pretty sure I made it clear.