My boyfriend is a very angry person. He quarrels everyday with someone (especially with his mother) anywhere he goes, but he is very kind and patient around me. Is it because he is in love with me or it depends on the person he interacts with (I am very calm and patient)? I know that we might not be together forever, but I'd like to know if people can change that much.

I'd also be grateful if you were so kind to suggest me something about how to make him become a better person without giving him boring rules of what to do or not to do. He has already made the first two steps: he knows that his behaviour is wrong and he wants to change.

Thank you.

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Originally Posted by tikki14

I'd also be grateful if you were so kind to suggest me something about how to make him become a better person without giving him boring rules of what to do or not to do. He has already made the first two steps: he knows that his behaviour is wrong and he wants to change.

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Hello t:

He has to do it on his own. He could do it spontaneously, or he could seek some help. There's lots of books on the subject, and lots of places to go to find help.

But, what I have to say to YOU, is get rid of the "make him" philosophy. You can't MAKE HIM do anything, and the more you try, the more you'll fail.. He is what he is.

excon

Sounds to me like he has some deep rooted issues. If he doesn't deal with his anger shortly, he may just explode at the wrong time on the wrong person and end up hurt and/or in jail.

I know you said that he is kind and patient around you. Believe me, that is only temporary. The day will come when his wrath will rain down on you.

He needs counseling to get to the bottom of his issues. Anger issues take years to calm, so if you plan on staying with him be prepared for a long ongoing challenge.

Yes, people can change. When repeated behaviour has predictable, negative results, over and over and over again, and a person seeks help to turn it all around, of course there is hope for change.

The key is wanting to change. As Con said, you cannot make anybody change by contributing to the behaviour (covering it up, arguing nonsense, and otherwise unproductive communication). Any change an individual wishes to achieve, has to start with that individual, on his terms.

He is lucky to have you, and that you are a kind and patient person. He is not unlike anybody else with problems to overcome; a supportive, loving partner, can help move mountains.

I agree also with Devorameira. His anger is a learned, inappropriate response that has become normal and predictable behaviour for him. He will have to learn many things in order to manage his anger, including identifying triggers, recognizing patterns, and having alternate choices in handling it.

While it has to start with him, I hope you see enough good in this person, that you will be a reliable source of support and encouragement.