Ask Me Help Desk - My husband isn't attracted to me.

I have been with my husband for four years, but we haven't even been married a month yet. My issue is that he acts like I am one of his buddies or a sister. He jokes all the time, but it is always something kind of mean. We have great conversations and he will peck me on the lips, hold my hand and hug me back when I hug him, but he doesn't initiate any of that. I don't get passionate make-out sessions or even make-out sessions that aren't passionate. When we have sex it is with no foreplay and he acts like he is almost bored. I have tried to make things more interesting, but got no reaction. When I try to cuddle with him or initiate sex (which isn't often anymore because my self-esteem is shot) he says I'm clingy. I once told him that I NEED an occasional compliment or a hug or kiss or ANY sign of affection just every now and then, not even every day. His response was to ask me how much I liked sushi and I said I love sushi. He said "would you still love it as much if you ate it everyday", I said probably not and he said "me either". I am so hurt. I'm not unattractive or clingy. I don't even need as much attention as most people. I just need SOMETHING every now and then to let me know he wants me. I feel like he doesn't want me at all and I don't know what to do. We were JUST married and I think it was a mistake. I feel like I'm wasting my life with someone, who for one reason or another, isn't attracted to me at all. We're both in our twenties. I don't know what to do!

Bear with me. I have a reason for asking these questions.

Has he ever participated in sports at school?

What is his biggest interest?

How is your social life with him?

Does he avoid making eye contact with people?

He played football, basketball and church league softball. His biggest interests are video games, Ultimate Fighting, Wrestling (on TV), and lately metal detecting. Our social life is great. He has no problem making eye contact, he is very social.

While you have been married only a month, you have been together for four years, and I have to ask you, was he the same before you married him? It is hard to believe that he suddenly changed just a month ago when you got married. And, the fact that you are now married would not be a cause of his lack o interest in the romance department.

Are there any substance problems, alcohol or otherwise?

You say he can 'perform', but that he does not meet your needs as far as foreplay or other physical contact, such as hugging. Is it possible that he is just unaware of what you need and want? Have you actually talked to him about this?

It is one thing to specifically communicate about sexual needs and wants, and another to expect a partner to just know, even if you are making it obvious.

If your relationship is otherwise strong and committed, and I presume it is if you've been together for over four years now, and recently married, and this is or has been a continuous problem, my guess is that he does not understand what you are trying to 'show' him. He understands that you are unhappy with a lack of affection for example, but he does not maybe understand why, or translate that into something important enough that he needs to improve himself. Even in simple ways. Hugging is not brain surgery.

He needs to take you seriously, and you need to find a way to be heard. A marriage is a long time to go with feeling underappreciated, and a long time to go with not having basic needs met.

I don't think you would be unreasonable to seek counselling with him if he's not taking you seriously, and is unwilling to try to understand, even enough to make small changes. To let this fester, will only bring resentment, loss of self esteem, and leave you feeling frustrated and lonely. Not a great place to be for anyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sconn

I once told him that I NEED an occasional compliment or a hug or kiss or ANY sign of affection just every now and then, not even every day. His response was to ask me how much I liked sushi and I said I love sushi. He said "would you still love it as much if you ate it everyday", I said probably not and he said "me either". I am so hurt.

My heart goes out to you. I would have been devastated if my spouse said this to me. Based upon the limited information in your post, I don't know if he needs a wake up call or if you just need to get out of that marriage. Personally, I would have immediately told him either we get into counseling together or we divorce. His answer to that would tell me which direction I needed to take.

Since I seriously doubt he has changed so much in one month, I can only conclude you have put up with his antics, and behavior for quite some time. Stop letting him get away with it and stand up for yourself.

The more you allow bad treatment, the more you will get.