Ask Me Help Desk - 6 years down the drain?

My girl and I had been going out for 4 years of college after college she decided to move down to FL with her sis for a year or so. We broke up just before she left but we still loved each other and. It has been almost three years since she moved down there we talk every day we visit each other whenever we get the oppurtunity too. What kept me sane was the fact that it was understood when she got back we would be together again. In those 3ish years she has been gone I ended up sleeping with a girl. She said she wanted to know what was going on in my life and wanted me to be honest. I never told her because I was selfish and didn't want to hurt her. It meant nothing to me. Well she eventually found out through snooping and was devastated. She was going to move back after that first year but because of this she didn't. Well we continued to talk everyday and say we love each other and talk about the future. Until the day after christmas I felt something was going on in my heart. She confessed to me that she liked someone in FL and she loves me but doesn't know if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me (i.e. isn't in love with me while she is in FL and can't trust me cause of sleeping with that girl). She says she doesn't want other girls to have me but that she can't not make me be with someone else. She says that she only "likes" this person and doesn't love them and that she still wants me in her life. The only reason she is telling me is because she tells me everything and that she loves me. She said before she left that I have nothing to worry about and that she loves me... Now what do I do? Do I fight to get her back or cut off contact with her and make her realize she truly loves me and cannot live without me... She is my best friend and I believe I'm still in love with her, despite hooking up with girls while she is over there... I have been heart broken ever since she told me, my mind wanders and I can't stop thinking about her, this guy...

Fight for love! You have been with her for so long and from what I see you deeply love her, I say try and get her back.

First things first. You need to explain, or find out from her why you two really broke up in the first place. She may have been doing this with the exact intentions of doing what you just did. To see other people without the responsibility of a relationship. Even if she didn't actually do anything with other guys, the fact that you were broken up says to me that she wanted to keep that option available to herself.

In that case, I'd say you haven't really done anything wrong except lying to her about it. But the way I see it, you two were broken up, and you're allowed to do as you will until she decided she wants you back. The flip side of that coin is that she's entitled to do the same thing, it's a two way street. I'm also concerned over the fact that she was snooping. That indicates to me she doesn't trust you. That's a big problem that you need to get to the bottom of.

Right now she likes another dude, to me, this is the time to man up and let her find out on her own why she's never going to find anybody better than you. You can't have her back in this state because she doesn't trust you and you wouldn't be able to get the other guy out of your head. You're broken up right now, enjoy the single life and do what makes you happy. If that takes you to another woman, so be it. She's doing the same thing.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DO NOT PUPPY DOG HER. NO BEGGING NO PLEADING NO "HOLY CRAP MY LIFE SUCKS WITHOUT YOU" TALK!! This cost me my relationship. She can't have her cake and eat it too, you can't be broken up and still have an obligation to each other. She either gets you 100% or she gets none of you. Be a man and set her free.

If I was in your situation, I'd explain to her that the state of affairs isn't working for either one of us at the moment. I'd explain to her that right now I don't have my head on straight about anything. I'm deeply sorry I lied to you about the other woman, and I'm not sure why I did it because I regret it at this point. That being said I need to take some time to myself to figure out what I want, and I think you need this too. You need to figure out what's going on with this other guy, and decide for yourself what you want to do. Explain to her that you're not ignoring her and you're not snubbing her, you just aren't sure what you want and neither is she, and all that can come of that is bad things. Time and space to figure out what you want.

First of all 6 years down the drain. That statement alone tells me about how your feeling but honestly. We do not know how long something will last for. The hope always is forever, that is why most people get married. Anyway, it is all in how you think about the situation as well. If you live each day as if it is your first or last, and when a new day comes you do not look back or forward. You just do your best to enjoy every single moment. Later on, if things do not work out. What you need to be thinking to yourself is there is a reason for this learning lesson in my life and I will see even better things, and experience better things in the future and have faith that when looking back on the rough areas of your life, the thought that you grew into a better person because of that experience.

What do you think?

Joe

Well I'm note sure if I want to stop talking to her? Why can't we continue to talk everyday? Will I revert to that puppy dog state if I continue to talk to her while she likes another guy. How could she possibly do more than just like another guy if she still loves me? If I stop talking to her will she become unattached to me and start attatching herself to this other guy out of resentment or sadness? She already told me she wouldn't know what to do if I wasn't in her life? Should I just be happy and we both stay close do what we want to do while still young (24) and not think of the future just think of the present. I'll be honest I have seen other people but nothing serious because I can't make myself be serious with someone else while she is still in my heart... This is all so confusing I want a definite guarantee that we will be together but I know I can't have one...

Tell her how you feel abut your relationship then fight for her if you really love this girl you should make her believe so

I've told you what I would do. I'm not you, nor do I claim to have the right answer. There's a few important questions you need answered, either by yourself or by her. Is she just used to having you as part of her comfort zone? I suspect so, if she likes another guy, then she's just used to having you around. That isn't to say that she has no feelings for you, but that is to say that you scored high on the test, and she wants to see if somebody else would score higher. You're both young, so I wouldn't beat myself up about that part.

What I'm worried about is the part where she doesn't know what she'd do without you in her life. I received that one about a month before me and my ex broke up. That's a dangerous statement to mean. In my case, that didn't mean that she was so in love with me, it meant that she was afraid of what life looks like without me in it. Fear governing a person's actions has no place in a relationship. If you're scared in the same way, it might be time to figure out what life looks like without her in it. I've always been of the mindset that you need to see why your life is good without her in it to understand why it would be better with her in it. That way you appreciate people for what they are, gifts, not something you've earned.

Be honest with her and yourself, after waiting for 6 years and still you are apart then tell her you will not live like that so, just me I would be dating and having fun and not be worried about what she I doing or who she is with. I would have a life that I really enjoyed without her. Just me mind you. You have no control over how she feels and guess what? She has no control over you, so don't let her now or ever. 6 years in limbo holding out hope? NO THANKS, ain't that much love in the world. This is not love, and isn't healthy for you or her at all. Sorry.

We were together 4 years just last 2 years she has been away in FL we haven't been officially together but we talk everyday and say we love each other every day. And it's not just a phrase we say. We mean it... I'm all for having fun and seeing what happens when she gets back on my part, I just don't know if I can handle her being with someone else... I really do love her so much... she is my heart and world and is all I have known for 6 years... She has never once faultered she has always loved me and now she 'likes' someone. Not to repeate things but is it really that serious? I mean I have girls that are my friends that tell me someone can like someone and it be no big deal and that it can be nothing or they can like someone and it develops into something... I guess I hope she loves me enough to not be able to fall in love with this other guy. "If I haven't lost her in 2 and half years she has been down there what makes me think that I'm going to lose her now?" that quote that she told me a month ago keeps echoing in my head but I am still scared...

I'd cut off contact for a while and make her miss you. If she then starts to pursue you, that's a good litmus test for whether there's any potential left for the two of you to get back together.

NegativecreepO-Wake up, if you had a love as you say why are you not together? Because she doesn't want to. Why are you not there with her? Because she doesn't want you to be. Why are you allowing her, your all great love, to mess with another man? Because that is what she wants. How come you have to go by all her rules none of which works for you? Because you allow it. Are we seeing a pattern here? Yes she tells you what to do and how things will go and you do it so, if your feeling bad thinking about her with someone else then that's what you deserve for being a wuss for this female who lies when she proclaims her love for you. I bet you the only one who can't see that. NOT HEALTHY.

I hate if when people who are beating themselves up pick these self defeating screen names. You are not a negative creep. In fact you not a creep at all. As for being negative, you’ve certainly been mislead by this young lady, but I blame that more on her ability to manipulate emotions and your inability to see it.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

My girl and I had been going out for 4 years of college after college she decided to move down to FL with her sis for a year or so.

Clue number one that she wasn’t as serious about you, as you were about her.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

We broke up just before she left but we still loved each other and.

You still loved her. She loved freedom, sun, beaches, clubs, and the culture of Florida. I’m originally from Michigan and I have lived in Florida for the last 4 winters and there’s no place like it. I can’t explain it to those in Michigan. They come down for a week but it’s different when you actually live here. If she’ got a good job and can afford it down here she’s not ever moving back. She’s only 24 on top of it so while she keeps you as her back up plan where ever your at she’s looking for guys down here. If for some reason that doesn’t work out she’ll always have you to boss around.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

It has been almost three years since she moved down there

Yep, she ain’t leaving.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

we talk every day we visit each other whenever we get the oppurtunity too.

So what? She talks to you but won’t invite you to move here or doesn’t move back to your state. That’s your second clue this was over.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

What kept me sane was the fact that it was understood when she got back we would be together again.

Because you are the back up plan. She’s been down here for 3 years. She’s not coming back. Sun everyday, surrounded by water, always something to do, Florida’s an incredible place. She’s not going back.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

In those 3ish years she has been gone i ended up sleeping with a girl.

So what? By your own admission you weren’t dating the Florida girl. She had no agreement with you or control over what you did.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

She said she wanted to know what was going on in my life and wanted me to be honest. I never told her because I was selfish and didn't want to hurt her. It meant nothing to me.

No you were not selfish. You don’t owe her anything. She broke up with you and moved to Florida. That means you get to do what you want, and you get to do it without guilt.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

Well she eventually found out through snooping and was devestated.

You mean she acted devastated to control you through guilt.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

She was going to move back after that first year but because of this she didn't.

Of course. No she was not. She was lying to you.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

Well we continued to talk everyday and say we love each other and talk about the future.

Yep, there’s my clue that this was all a lie.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

Until the day after christmas I felt something was going on in my heart. She confessed to me taht she liked someone in FL and she loves me but doesn't know if she wants to spend the rest of her life with me (i.e. isn't in love with me while she is in FL and can't trust me cause of sleeping with that girl).

So she found a guy down here and it’s getting serious so she’s giving you the brush off, making you feel guilty while at the same time making you hold on to false hope.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

She says she doesn't want other girls to have me but that she can't not make me be with someone else.

The nice way of saying “I’m dumping you.”

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

She says that she only "likes" this person and doesn't love them and that she still wants me in her life.

Yes as her back up plan. Her back up plan that she doesn’t want interfering right now but if it doesn’t work out then maybe she’ll shoot you a call and in 16 years when she’s 40 still have someone around.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

The only reason she is telling me is because she tells me everything and that she loves me.

I think she’s telling you this for the reasons I’ve outlined.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

She said before she left taht I have nothing to worry about and taht she loves me......

Then she wouldn’t have left, or she would have had you move with her.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

Now what do I do? do I fight to get her back or cut off contact with her and make her realize she truly loves me and cannot live without me.........

Get real. She can have you anytime she wants you and she knows it. You cut off contact for yourself. Forget her, she’s gone.

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Originally Posted by Negativecreep0

She is my best friend and I believe I'm still in love with her, despite hooking up with girls while she is over there... I have been heart broken ever since she told me, my mind wanders and I can't stop thinking about her, this guy...............

While I’m sorry to hear that but she’s kept you on her little string from a distance. You need to really let this one go and really start asking yourself how it got to this level.

I think I've decided what to do, I am going to remain friends with her but do as I please, whatever happens happens, if she moves home we will see what the situation is, until then I love her but there is not much I can control.

6 years whether here or there, things happen, things change. We grow. That's inevitable. Look honestly at how much you've grown since your break up and try and look at how she's grown, through a 3rd person view. You'll see that things are not what they used to be, regardless of you sleeping with another girl or her liking some other guy, things can't stay the same. We mature and with distance between us, we can mature at different rates, typically women mature faster than guys.

Put the emotions aside and think about it, it may put a different perspective on things for you.