Ex girlfriend RUINED me, Help Please!
I met her when I was 25, I am now 27. She is 2 years younger. Of the 2 years I've known her we were only together for the first 7 months, most of which was the happiest most fulfilling time of my life. The rest of that 2 years I've spent emailing her, sending her cards, letters, chocolate, trying to get her back... In a final effort to get her back I wrote a letter and sent her a birthday gift, I did not expect anything and weeks went by. I began letting go.
Suddenly I get a few emails from her, one of which is talking about reconciliation. I thought I was getting her back but then she emailed saying she didn't mean to initiate reconciliation quite yet... Then she calls and we talk on the phone for like 40 minutes, but it's mostly just chit-chat because she has a hard time talking about serious things. I'm all discombobulated, but contact is occurring and this is good so I let it pan out.
Weeks go by, I feel toyed with and upset, like she's just playing with my emotions and keeping me as a backup plan. I don't know if she's dating someone else while talking to me or if she even really really cares about me. Instead of the usual ***** cat email with endless love I sent an email asking her to address these concerns.. concerns that I'm just a backup plan, that she is dating as we speak, that her excuses for breaking up were real, you know.. just questions of insecurity because that's what all the silence and rejection did to me.
She immediately emails me back saying she "will respond to this in a couple days." 4 days go by and it's Sunday, still no word. I text her asking if my birthday package got to her yet (it was lost in the mail... ) and whether I could expect a call or email soon. She texted me back saying "no package, i said id email and i will." After 4 days of no contact and that snappy text I know I'm in for hurt, I can just feel it.
2 hours later I get the most horrendous email of rejection... she didn't answer any of my questions or concerns, she just said something like "it's so shocking to see you hit such highs and lows" and "she doesn't want to continue" and "she sees now that it didn't work for more reasons than she remembered" and "she's sorry". When read this email I called her immediately but she had changed her cell number in the 2 hours between her text and her email! I have no way to contact her!
The questions burning me up are.. Were my concerns legitimate? By asking her to address them and put them to rest, was I being too selfish or was I just sticking up for my own proper self respect? Should I have just kept my mouth shut and buried these emotions deep down knowing that if I bring them up she'll just cut me out again? Should I be ripping my hair out or celebrating this result?
Some background:
I quit my job and moved home because something happened at work and couldn't take it anymore, plus I needed time to take pre-req classes for grad school.. I put my career goals first and moved away from her while we were still together... I sold everything I owned and moved home with my mom to take my classes... I was determined to make it work with her, finish my classes and move back. She left me a few months later. So now I lost everything and I feel like my life is just a huge failure unless I get her back.
There are just so many things that happened, so many pains, she strung me along after breaking up for so long, yes, no yes no, yes I mean no, no, OK lets meet and see, yes, I meant no. This whole pattern went on for so long and has just killed me and she has been in control the whole time. A couple times I took flights to go see her and she wouldn't see me when I got there. I mean my heart has just been ripped out oh so politely and forgive-ably so many times by this one person. I feel like I have to get her back and she is the one but also like I was never really happy with her as a person. She was really hyper controlling, she never drank or smoked and she seemed to be jealous of my life, my past and my general security as an individual. She seemed to have a lot of secrets and was very careful. At the same time she was the sweetest thing in the world and I couldn't stand up for myself or leave her. She was always insecure about the fact that I was educated...
We both came from different backgrounds... I come from a family with money, standard 2 kids, college education, trips, we do stuff and life doesn't squash us. She comes from a broken home, a schizophrenic mother and abusive transient boyfriends, she told me this 4 months into the relationship and also mentioned a few incidents where she was in foster care because her mother was crazy or something. She has like 12 brothers and sisters, never went to college, was in a lot of debt from a shopping addiction and was trapped in a job that wasn't getting her towards her goals. I have had many girlfriends but lots of time alone and lonely, she has been in relationships straight since she moved in with an older guy at age 17.
And yet I love her. If she just treated me the way she did that few happy months I would never leave her or think of another. But when confronted with questions about serious topics I become an "exhausting" bother and she shuts me out. This time it's for good. I don't know whether to slit my wrist or take a pill, go get drunk or what.. I have been alone now without her for so long, and no others can compare. I have a therapist who told me she was an insecure person that would transfer the insecurity to me over the course of the relationship.. that was sooo true because I am now the most insecure miserable untrusting person towards females, I feel like my life is over and I don't know what to do about this pain that won't go away. Please someone help me.
I have tried drinking, smoking. I have tried not smoking or drinking. I have tried working out every day and body building. I have tried driving my corvette really fast. I have tried focusing on school work and acing tests. I have tried renting movies every day. I have tried dating another girl (who dumped me quickly because I was moaning about this ex-girlfriend!).
I have tried talking about it with a therapist. I have tried everything and nothing has worked, I need help because I just want to die because of this girl.
The last serious ex girlfriend played with my feelings and I ended up contacting her by email until she got a restraining order on me.
Comment on Fr_Chuck's post
3 months went by after we split with no contact what soever. I am not a stalker.
Certain things will make you feel certain ways. Other people do control a lot.
Ex-Girl is gone, 6 months + Therapy and family, still destroyed. Help.
My ex girlfriend...
-Dated for 7 months.
-Sweetest and cutest girl I ever had. The last couple months were long distance as I moved home to finish pre-reqs for grad school (my job in that area was not working out).
-Dumped me because she hacked my email account at work and read an email about her between me and my therapist, talking about the things I don't like about her and the situation at the time, just venting with a safe confidential channel. I had deleted the email, but she found it in my trash folder. I came home all happy with parts to fix her car and my bags were packed at the door. I then had to drive 12 hours by myself away from her to get home.
-Since then I have been absolutely miserable. I cannot stop thinking about her. AND YES I HAVE DONE THE WHOLE SPEND TIME BY YOURSELF AND BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF THING, FOR A WHOLE YEAR. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I still cannot stop thinking about it and feeling bad for myself, like my life is over and I will never be able to love again. This probably has something to do with the following.
-3 days after dumping me, she visited the hotel I was staying in (waiting for her to realize she messed up by checking my email) she apologized and we made up.
-We then tried to make it work over the distance after I got home. I thought it was working, and I flew down to see her for valentines day. When I got there, she had a last minute change of heart, and would not see me and I had to stay in a hotel again.
-Again, she apologized, and asked me to fly down to see her again. I did. She would not see me, same as before. I was nothing but patient and loving. She texted me saying her mind told her to run but her heart told her to love. I told her to follow her heart and she did not listen. I didn't get to see her and flew home devastated again.
-She would never wear lingerie or let me buy her lingerie because she snooped on my computer when I was in the shower and found pictures of another ex-girl friend in a bra, again she tore through the recycle bin and everything, I didn't know I had the pictures still honest to god.
-She made me feel like I couldn't do anything right. She criticized my valentines day card, and when I sent a care package she retorted nastily that I obviously didn't know her very well.
-She dated multiple people since breaking up with me, I have not dated at all. One day she calls me and wants to start talking about reconciliation. She sends me a big email fearful that I'll stop loving her when she puts on weight while pregnant etc way into the future stuff. I think FINALLY SHE HAS COME AROUND! We talked on the phone for an hour. All good.
-She says she is in a salsa dancing class and that half the class is male, and they take turns being partners with everyone. This combined with the fact that she has dated multiple people since me drives me insane and keeps me up at night. One night at 5am I wrote her an email talking about my fears and concerns.
-She emails me back 4 days later. She says "no, none of that is true, the dance class is totally platonic, and yes I dated multiple people but I pushed them away for you, but oh sorry your fears and concerns are a "Shocking low" and I'm sorry but I'm moving on now sorry bye"!! After so much... I picked up the phone to call her but she had changed her number before she sent the email!
-I now have NO WAY of contacting her. She has SHUT ME OFF and run into the arms of another. I think day and night of what to do, if there is any way to get through to her. I think of visiting and knocking on her door to have a real conversation, but worry that she will call the cops on me, or reject me again ever so politely, or worse, have her new boyfriend answer the door.
I go to therapy crying about her still. I can't look at another girl without being angry at all females. She has utterly destroyed me.
I am super handsome, 6ft 180 lbs pure muscle, I have a BS in biology from UCSB and I drive a new corvette + an F-150 truck. I am good at everything I do, and I stand to inherit a large estate. So... Absolutely EVERYTHING going for me, yet somehow I am not good enough for her. I should have all the confidence in the world and no problem with girls but I love deeply, I get very attached and she has utterly destroyed my will to go on, to try, to love, to even think of humans as understanding loving human beings. And I roll around all night thinking this is all my fault. My life is over. What now, when even therapy and time doesn't heal me. What if she is the best I will ever have had, and she is lost. I am lost.
Where I am now--Living with mother, 27 years old. Just got pharmacy tech certified, but got rejected from pharmacy schools this year. Now I will spend the next year of my life in this tiny 15k person town making nothing as a pharmacy technician, while still living with my mom. There are no girls even close to the ex here, just a bunch of dirty hippies. My life is over.
