Last night, we (my husband and I) were talking with his grown son and fiancé. His son bought up the fact that he didn't understand why we made trip to a wedding in my family; however, didn't come to see his newborn son. I told I was sorry and left the men to talk when started discussing things.

His fiancé and I went out back, and she asked me to consider how he (my stepson) was feeling considering that after I came into his life (my husbands) he quit seeing his children and was spending all his time and money on me and my family. I told her that wasn't true. I told her that my husband was a gambler and had gotten into huge financial trouble and that is why he sold out. Which is the truth. I also told her that I my daughter was buying our house from us to bail us out of payments that we couldn't afford. She told me that he (my son in law) thought that we gave the house to my daughter. I told her that I felt "framed" and that I felt that he (my husband) needed to be honest with his sons. She thought we should "go deal with this right now".

My heart was racing but, I thought she was right. We joined the men and I started with the statement "There is something that I need to get out in the open". Then I turned to my husband and said "I'm not trying to throw you under the bus, but we need to talk about this". His son then pointed his finger at me and said "Hold it right there with you making that statement I don't want to hear it". I asked to please let me finish. Again with finger pointing he told me no and that I was out of line. At this point his fiancé chimed in by saying "let her speak".

He then told her no and me no and proceeded to chew me out telling me that "I had no right to discuss things that were between him and his dad and I couldn't love him and act like this." Now he is standing in front of me with his finger in my face. I stood up to him and told him "how can you say that I don't love him when I am here with him and living in that". I pointed to the RV that we now call home. He told me "If it's so bad go back to what you had". My husband just sat there.

Finally, when it was becoming obvious that someone was possibly going to get hurt, he stood up and said "both of you knock it off". I left. The most hurtful thing about the whole experience to me is that my husband didn't defend me, or protect me. Am I wrong to feel the way I do?

He should have thrown him out of the house for taking to you like that. There is no excuse for him not defending you and telling his son the truth

Where were you when this happened? The son's house or what used to be your husband's house?

I don't know about defending you, but he does need to be honest with his family. I am wondering if the son's outburst was in response to the lies his father apparently is telling.

I wouldn't be as upset at the son as I would be at the husband who seems to still be covering his tracks and not taking responsibility for the mess he got everything into. Instead, you seem to be turning into the scapegoat. Don't allow that to happen.

You need to make it clear that either he owns up or you are moving out. Both you and the son are innocent in this, however, I don't think the son will listen to you. I hope he listens to his fiancé after he calms down.

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Originally Posted by ;

Then I turned to my husband and said "I'm not trying to throw you under the bus, but we need to talk about this". His son then pointed his finger at me and said "Hold it right there with you making that statement I don't want to hear it". I asked to please let me finish. Again with finger pointing he told me no and that I was out of line. At this point his fiance chimed in by saying "let he speak". He then told her no and me no and proceeded to chew me out telling me that "I had no right to discuss things that were between him and his dad and I couldn't love him and act like this."

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I'm frusterated by the stuff in bold. You went to talk to your husband, and his son just told you to shut up and not talk to either of them and that you had no right to discuss anything. Excuse him, but you're part of it to, this man is YOUR husband and there's something going on between ALL OF YOU that needed to be discussed. That sort of thing might have upset him (the not seeing his son thing) but SHEESH, he should have at least TRIED to hear you out. Instead he just wanted to play the blame game and, quite literally, point fingers. I think that at this point you need to just talk to your husband about clearing things up with your stepson before you talk to him again. And then hopefully he apologizes. As for your husband, it was probably tough on him too. He probably felt shame for the circumstance that he had put you in and didn't realize the implications of keeping it secret. And then at that point, when his son was clearly feeling hostile, it made it that much harder for him to admit. He probably didn't want the two of you to feel like he was taking sides. At that point if he had stood up for you it might have caused a big rift between him and his son, And if he had stood up for his son it would have the same effect on YOUR relationship with him. So I can see why he might have done what he did. Just try to talk to him. Tell him that you think it's time for him to have an open discussion with his son and that you still love him. Make sure he knows that you two are safe and that you will stand by him no matter the outcome between him and his son. I'm sure if you deal with this tactfully it can be resolved fairly well. I wish you luck!

The most obvious thing to me is, your husband has a gambling problem (sounds like an addiction), and you have not said that your life with him has improved because he is getting help for it. While you stick around and pick up the pieces of your life because he gambles everything away (essentially that includes your home), he will continue to be the one directly causing the problems between everybody.

Now he has you taking the blame for his problems, and you can be sure he didn't tell his son that he is addicted to gambling. His son and his understanding of his fathers predicament probably has a far different meaning than the truth. I doubt that your husband came right out and said that he himself caused all the financial hardship, and continues to cause the financial hardship. Quite obviously he told him something quite different. Gamblers are good liars.

So you were arguing with his son, who is going on what his father told him, which is not likely anywhere near the truth, and your daughter in law, with new information on what the cause of all of this famiy strife is, remains silent. I'd be more inclined to ask why she didn't speak up.

I think the second biggest mistake you made was discussing personal business, about a third party, to a third party. (his son's wife). I don't know where you're from, but it is highly unusual for sons/daughter's/daughters in law to have their noses in their parents (including step parents') financial business. That they are feeling snubbed that you have no money to give to them, which is my impresion, is no reason for them to demand an aswer! Good grief, that is truly arrogance in the extreme.

The third mistake as I see it, is that you married a man with a gambling addiction in the first place. That, as you said, his huge financial trouble is caused by his gambling', and that you even lost your home baffles me as to why you are even there. As long as he is an active gambler, covering his tracks, and continuing to risk everything, you seem to think of it as just a 'problem', and not an addiction.

What he has really done, is spin a tale that your son bought, that was different than what the truth was. What also happened was he managed to keep your son as an ally, and turn against you, to further cover his own a**.

Did you really think your husband was going to tell the truth under those circumstances, which was really more of an ambush or intervention, both unwanted?

You can expect more of the same until you realize that your husband has a very serious problem, and that his problem, is causing rifts in the family.

There is enough blame to go around for everyone.

You and the fiancée wanting to bring this to the forefront, putting everything in dads lap, the son for being an idiot, and dad for not telling his son the truth.

Wouldn't it have been better to leave it, and let the youngsters talk in private, later? You didn't exactly cover your husbands backside either, to be honest, as wrong as he may have been.

Sorry, none of you has clean hands in this. So blame all you want, you all had a part in the way things turned out. Not a cool head among you.

I'm going to approach this from a slightly different angle. My Aunt has a gambling addiction, she blew over $80,000 of the family savings gambling and never told a soul. One day my Uncle went out to lunch with his employees, went to pay the bill via interact and was told there were no funds. He was shocked, asked that they check again, but no go.

He called home very upset, thinking that there was a screw up at the bank. When he talked to his wife she confessed all. Shortly thereafter she swallowed a bottle of pills, hoping to die rather than face what she'd done.

Fast forward to today and all is well, she's been to counseling, they're working on their marriage, and her gambling addiction is under control.

Why did I tell this story? A gambling addiction, like any addiction, is a disease, and the diseased will do anything to hide it, until push comes to shove or the addicted hits rock bottom. Your husband isn't there yet.

I'm not excusing his behavior, and yes, he should stand up to his son and defend you, but he should also come clean with his son and it sounds like he's not ready to do that.

The scene you described is unfortunate, and I'm so sorry that you had to go through that without any support, but realize that your husband isn't in any position to support you right now, he's still in denial, covering up for his addiction.

Counseling is needed. He needs to get his addiction under control and his son needs to be involved in the healing process, not only for his relationship with his dad, but to build a relationship with you, the woman that has stood beside his dad through all of this.

I wish you the best of luck.

I agree with talaniman, you both were wrong.
You don't discuss what is going on with your husband with his son's fiancé and you surly don't call him out in front of them. That was rude.
You need to sit down with your husband and get your business straight.