Ask Me Help Desk - Independent Woman who's Bossy

I'm in a 6 year relationship. I am the romantic one, the money maker, the wife in training. My man use to be the neat freak, while I was the spoiled to death by my parents. I didn't know how to to cook, clean, do laundry... I've learned a lot from him and now the tables have turned. He's not a slob, he's just lazy. I feel like I nag nag nag all the time and this nagging could potentially lose him. But then again, I could do better. I need a man to take care of me! And when I ask him to do something, he should show his gratitude by doing what I ask with a smile, and not complaining. I know money makes a big difference. If he was making all the money and paying all the bills while taking care of me, I would show my appreciation by picking up chores around the house. But instead, I find him taking on extra cirricular activities, not taking me out on dates anymore... thinking about himself only! What do I do? 6 years is long but I'm so tired of hearing that he'll make things better. I know you can't change a person. We made a list of things we're going to split up around the house. It got heated and we just started making ridiculous proposals like "only 3 pairs of shoes/jacket in our closet. :D Any advice on what to do to get our relationship back on track? I don't want to be an angry person. I don't want to hate him. I don't want to be that neat freak that just nags all the time!

The advice I received when I asked this question was right now you're stuck trying things that don't work. That pent up aggression and resent isn't going to help anything any. Sounds like you're losing patience fast, and that can only create more failure. When I'm in a situation like this, my instinct is to remove myself from the situation temporarily. I like to take some space to think for myself, and lose all that frustration. Take a load off, unwind with your girl friends and stuff like that and see how you feel. Sometimes merely saying something doesn't get the message through, if he sees that you're taking steps towards having a good time without him, he may clean up his act, I would! It's very easy to stay still when you are still, so kick start it!

The other side of the coin is to MAKE DAMN SURE you've communicated your needs without emotion. When women come at me with an attitude or an extreme sadness, I'm inclined to not believe them and wait to tell me when they are in a level headed mood. As a guy, when women speak with their emotions, it's hard to understand.

Well, I’m a man and to be honest you don’t exactly sound like someone I’d want to come home and be with.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I'm in a 6 year relationship. I am the romantic one, the money maker, the wife in training. My man use to be the neat freak, while I was the spoiled to death by my parents.

YOU, YOU, YOU, used to be him now YOU, YOU. That’s exactly what I read when I read that last sentence. I’m sorry your parents spoiled you and didn’t prepare you. You always got what you want and if you didn’t you probably manipulated them with your feelings or their feelings, perhaps gave them a guilt trip to get what you needed. And now here you are a grown adult trying to manipulate him into being your parents and instead of it working you just keep driving him into depression. Fan-Fricking-tastic.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I didn't know how to to cook, clean, do laundry...I've learned a lot from him and now the tables have turned. He's not a slob, he's just lazy.

He’s not lazy, he’s depressed. He’s not lazy he’s unmotivated.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I feel like I nag nag nag all the time and this nagging could potentially lose him.

That’s funny because I feel the same way and I’ve never met you.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

But then again, I could do better.

Initially you could do better before you drain the next guy. And what a catch you are by the way to be thinking and perhaps saying, certainly showing your boyfriend of 6 years, “I can do better than you.” WOW. And you seriously wonder why he’s lazy.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I need a man to take care of me!

You needed a set of parents that didn’t cave and spoil you so that years later you would actually be able to take care yourself. Again why would your boyfriend do anything but sit on the couch when this is the attitude that greets him.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

And when I ask him to do something, he should show his gratitude by doing what I ask with a smile, and not complaining.

Grow up. He used to do those things before your complained and whined him into submission. Maybe your should show some gratitude to him. I’d bet that get you a lot farther.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I know money makes a big difference. If he was making all the money and paying all the bills while taking care of me, I would show my appreciation by picking up chores around the house.

WOW!! …… I’m literally at a loss for words….. Seriously I stopped and reread that again and just stared at my computer for about 2 minutes. You are many things that I can’t write on this website. I can’t believe this poor man has tortured himself for your love for 6 years and been met with this attitude. If he had money everything would be okay in your book. So your basically a trophy girlfriend.

You provide him with zero emotional support. You provide him with zero confidence. You provide him with insults and put downs. You provide him with you constant complaining. And yet, you honestly think that if he provide you with money everything would be okay?

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

But instead, I find him taking on extra cirricular activities, not taking me out on dates anymore....thinking about himself only!

How dare he? Why would he take you on dates? To listen to you put him down at a nicer place then the couch? If I were him I’d do anything to get away from you too.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

What do I do? 6 years is long but I'm so tired of hearing that he'll make things better.

Honestly, what would motivate him to change? You? Please! He obviously feels like no matter what he does it’s not good enough so why bother.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I know you can't change a person. We made a list of things we're going to split up around the house. It got heated and we just started making ridiculous proposals like "only 3 pairs of shoes/jacket in our closet. :D Any advice on what to do to get our relationship back on track? I don't want to be an angry person. I don't want to hate him. I don't want to be that neat freak that just nags all the time!

Then quit. Men are not motivated to come home and listen at someone nag at them. Its depressing and leads to us doing exactly what he’s doing. I sure as hell wouldn’t do anything if it wasn’t appreciated or I was told, “If you had money I’d do this.” WOW. I can’t get over that. So by your not only calling him a loser at home but a loser at work too huh. And you can’t quite get why he would just sit there depressed and unmotivated. How about asking nicely, and if he does something THANK HIM. How about telling him you appreciate him. Tell him how much he means. Tell him what he brings to you life. You want him to show you gratitude for you actually asking him to do something why don’t you show some for him period.

Funny how I was thinking the samething as I was reading this. What a spoiled brat. How did this guy make it for 6 years. But she can change and start to be a partner and leave the nagging if she wants to.

I'm not even going to argue with any of you on this, only because I need to hear this from a man who doesn't know who I am or my boyfriend. My friends are always on my side because they're just my girls. Although some things you said are very very harsh, you have valid points. I made a list of things I was going to do to improve my way of life and work towards getting my relationship back on track. Yes, nagging will be ONE of them! But I will say on my defense that it takes two to make things work. So even though you may defend him like his homeboy would, our mutual guy friend has actually told me that he is lazy, he takes me for granted, and I spoil him!! This is coming from his best buddy whom my man treats just like me. Yes that's right, I pay for the mortgage, buy him expensive things and is emotionally there for him. More than you will ever know! So what am I to do when he says I need to add his name on to my condo soon or he will leave me? Or how about how I pay for everything, even our pet expenses, and he can't even pump my gas. I got him through school when his parents didn't. Did I mention he's into pot?

6 years is way too long. Move on and find what you really want.

But you also have a lot of issues and bad traits most guys are not looking for.

You sound like a real piece of work that quite frankly the guy you WANT wouldn't want anything to do with you.

This guy must be a real sucker - I see why he hasn't proposed.

You've been with him because no other guy would have you.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I'm not even going to argue with any of you on this, only because I need to hear this from a man who doesn't know who I am or my boyfriend. My friends are always on my side because they're just my girls.

EXACTLY. Your friends ALWAYS tell you want you want to hear, NEVER what you need to hear. So many people think that by doing that they are being great friends when in fact they are coddling someone and never giving them the true gift of advice that moves someone forward.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

Although some things you said are very very harsh, you have valid points. I made a list of things I was going to do to improve my way of life and work towards getting my relationship back on track.

Well, I’ve got to say I’m impressed. You’ve taken the first step. Step 2 will come when you start to meet resistance or a difficult challenge presents itself. Work through a couple of those and you’ll be on your way to change.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

Yes, nagging will be ONE of them!

It has to be.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

But I will say on my defense that it takes two to make things work.

Yes it does. I’m not giving him a pass to live on the couch. I’m explaining to why he would not be motivated to help you or do anything with you. You said it yourself, he used to be different. But after years of listening to he’s not good enough he just quit. From his perspective why try? It was never going to be good enough.

It does take two to work, but you help each other to get better, not cut each other off to the point you create nothing.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

So even though you may defend him like his homeboy would,

I’m a 30 year old man who grew up in a troubled house, who didn’t have jack handed to him by either parent, who put himself through college to earn two Bachelor degrees, with no lifetime debt. I manage two hotels and three restaurants. I outright own my own car that I paid in full upon purchase, with no monthly payments, I travel for 6 months out of the year, I don’t live in my parents basement, and I can wear my pants without looking like a tool. I am nobodies homeboy.

I’m my own a man and if your man was wrong I’d be telling you. Is he perfect. No. Does your behavior explain his behavior. Absolutely. I don’t defend anybody. I tell it like it is, or at least how I see it. By the fact that a couple others backed me up, I’d say I’m not too far of course.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

our mutual guy friend has actually told me that he is lazy, he takes me for granted, and I spoil him!!! This is coming from his best buddy whom my man treats just like me.

So what? Again friends say what you want to hear.

I’d be inclined to believe the friend if he offers to alternative reasons your boyfriend is this way. Does he offer anything positive about your boyfriend?

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

Yes that's right, I pay for the mortgage, buy him expensive things

To show you that I don’t always agree with the guy I’m going to tell you this is absurd. He needs to be paying for half the mortgage period. Is his name on the mortgage? If not and for some reason foreclosure happens he just got free rent. If his name isn’t on the mortgage you need to set up a rental agreement and make him pay. But I’d insist on half the mortgage. Nothing less.

You should buy him nice things as a show of appreciation. This goes back to your parents spoiling you. They bought you anything you wanted and now you repeat the pattern as an adult. Should he appreciate your acts of kindness. Yes. But if you do that so much it comes off as you trying to buy his love, instead of saying THANK YOU for doing something good. This is what I meant in my last post when I said you parents didn’t prepare you. They just got you whatever you wanted, and as a child that worked for a little bit until you wanted something else. Then you repeated the pattern. Here you are years later buying him things but it doesn’t come off as a gift, but an attempt to purchase his love. After awhile all the gifts are the same, they don’t mean a thing.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

and is emotionally there for him. More than you will ever know!

I guess so. I sure didn’t see it. I guess I was to busy wondering how many zeros had to be on my check to make a woman like you stop complaining and pick something up with a smile.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

So what am I to do when he says I need to add his name on to my condo soon or he will leave me?

Tell him to start paying this month. January. If he’s going to leave you over this then there is a lot more to this story. He should already being paying for rent. You as a woman, have the right to demand that your man be a man and do his fair share. He certainly should be paying for his already. You’ve given him a free ride in this department long enough.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

Or how about how I pay for everything,

NO!! That ends today. Seriously. TODAY. Don’t you see what’s happened. You repeated everything your parents did. It worked as a kid, but doesn’t work in real life. If he’s not happy with the way he’s being treated then he needs to leave. But if he wants to be in this relationship he needs to grow a pair and pay for his half. Personally I’d feeling like complete loser if I knew I had to let a woman support me. It’s one thing to let a month go if lost a job. But after that no. Get his act together.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

even our pet expenses, and he can't even pump my gas.

See just when I’m siding with you, you say things like that. Is he supposed to pump your gas? I’ve never pumped my woman’s gas, nor did I know I was supposed to.

Look you guy isn’t doing his share in this relationship. I’m with you there. But your approaches and some of your demands do not produce the results you want. You deserve a man to be a man and act like a man in the relationship. You deserve a man that can maintain and support himself but in return a man deserves a woman that recognizes his achievements and doesn’t belittle him when he doesn’t live up to his capabilities.

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Originally Posted by MISSIBAYBE

I got him thru school when his parents didn't. Did I mention he's into pot?

That’s very noble of you. The problem with that is that if you spoil someone so much then tell them there not good enough you kill there drive. He sucks at everything and he has everything he needs.

No you didn’t mention pot and I’m sure that doesn’t help a bit. Pot makes many a lazy person.

At this point maybe it would be best to break off for awhile. You can work on your list and if he still wants you to be in his life, make a reasonable list for him of what you need in a man. Be honest and be fair. If you say to him “I need a man that makes money so I’ll be happy” he won’t come back. However if you say, “I need a man to support himself financially and provide me with some comfort that he is holding up his side of the relationship,” that is fair and doesn’t kill his self worth or self esteem.

If he is all that terrible and lazy as you say, then what are you doing buying him expensive gifts and paying all those bills for someone you consider such a loser. Does he have anything but the negative qualities you tell us about? Are you enabling him to do what he does? Tell him to leave would solve your problems it sounds like , so why is this relationship worth staying in if we believe your side of it?

Sorry Chuff, I have to spread the love.

But, I could not have Chuff'd it better myself!! :D

You have all these supposed 'high standards' and the nyou settle for this loser.

+ you could never get anyone else but this loser with your attitude.

I see why he smokes pot - so he can giggle at how stupid you are - seriously.

He is a massive lsoer and you allow it.