Hi I have a problem with my fiancée he is a good man good father and we are about to walk down the isle in 2 months the problem I have is 2 years ago I found a message text on his phone with when is the big day I love you kiss kiss so I confronted my partner and he told me that was an old male friend of his. With just given birth around the same time I didn't think nothing of it so I left it. Then I forgot all about it had a happy loving relationship we still do but then two months ago I found this persons number had been called on his mobile so I did some investigating and rang this number but a woman answered and I called on different days different time its still a woman what did I do I went in total shock as far as I know he didn't have female friends cause he stopped all that when he met me . I acctually was fuming for 4 days then I dropped the bombshell that I knew this phone number wasn't in fact a old male friend it was a woman so I asked him why did he lie to me I thought you had stopped calling old platonic girlfriends . He told me it was someone that he helped in a bad situation years ago and hasn't spoken to her in 4 years when in fact he did cause he dialed her number not long ago he told me there wasn't nothing romantic there with her not even a kiss on the cheek why did he lie to me I felt less of a woman when I found out how could he do this to me after 10 years together I don't want to sheare my man with someone else he thinks I think he is having an affair but I never said those words to him I told him in my heart I know your not having an affair but it's the lie that you told me I'm trying to make sense of it all I don't want him sharing our life and his secrets with her what should I do after I told him I feel like the bad one here and his being closer what's going on

Well - you betterconfront him about this now. Sounds like an alibi.

Do you trust him? I don't.

It's that women's gut feeling that is 98% of the time RIGHT!!

My old saying... once a cheater...

I think you've made your point, so there should be nothing else to do but chalk it up and move forward.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you've made your point, so there should be nothing else to do but chalk it up and move forward.

---

hi what did you mean by that should I still stay with him we both love each other but I'm hurting I mean you don't lie to each other because we promised to be honest with each other from the start. He told me that she's married with children and has no feelings in that way for her its cause he helped her from an avusive relationship with her ex boyfriend at the time now she's apparently married with kids but I know he doesn't call her everyday but I knew of this person before never met her but my partner has mentioned her but didn't know they were still talking why can't he let her go is it emotional baggage or what

The thing that is a little unnerving to me here is the fact that you asked him to give up all of his platonic girldfriends. Why would you do this? Do you not trust him to have a friend who happens to be a woman? Could this be why he lied in the first place? Perhaps he relies on this woman, which by the way is not a bad thing, however, he feels he can't tell you about it.

Seems to me that you should sit down and discuss what you are feeling before you walk down that isle. I have a feeling that there is more to this story then what you are telling us. Men and women can be friend platonically and not get romantically involved... my best friend is a boy (heterosexual) and we have been friends for over 20 years... and we have never even kissed.

Hi no punctuation and no capitalization run on paragraph without any breaks or clues to phrasing makes it really hard to tell what you're saying you might get better responses if you made it easier to read not to be a stickler but surely you see what I'm saying

But seriously. I think you may be making a bit too much out of it, though of course he shouldn't have lied to you about it. It's really for you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. If you're the jealous and suspicious type, you're likely to attract a guy who lies and sneaks, and even a guy who doesn't usually do so may be tempted to, just to avoid a big scene over some innocent thing.

Right now I'd say it's time to address these issues one at a time. You don't trust him. If you did, you would not be checking the numbers he called, and you really would not have dialed the number on separate occasions. That's not a reflection on you, I might add, I probobly would have done the same thing, but it still leads back to the fact that you don't trust him. Can you trust him again? If so, what's he going to have to do to get it back, or what are you going to have to do for yourself to trust him again. Right now it looks to me as if you're both in the wrong, because you don't know that this is what you think it is.

I wouldn't necessarily panic about this woman yet. From a guy's perspective, IF he percieves you as the jealous type that gets upset at the idea of him speaking with another woman, then yes, he would lie about something innocent like that. If you mean that much to him and he doesn't want to hurt you by making you think there's other women in his life, this sounds like a viable, albeit dishonest, route out. I've often fibbed to my girlfriends about other girls in my life, just because the situation looks so obviously like I was cheating or interested in cheating when I really just wasn't, and I didn't feel like she'd believe me.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ordinaryguy

hi no punctuation and no capitalization run on paragraph without any breaks or clues to phrasing makes it really hard to tell what youre saying you might get better responses if you made it easier to read not to be a stickler but surely you see what im saying

But seriously. I think you may be making a bit too much out of it, though of course he shouldn't have lied to you about it. It's really for you to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. If you're the jealous and suspicious type, you're likely to attract a guy who lies and sneaks, and even a guy who doesn't usually do so may be tempted to, just to avoid a big scene over some innocent thing.

---

thanks for that I know I'm normally not like that but a few things set me of. For one he has two phones and one is for spares but the one he uses is that he put all the numbers in that one that I look at and there is a phone with all these other numbers in it that's were I found this particular number. He got nervous evey time I went close to it. I'm normally not the jelous type maybe slightly but that also healthy. My whole prob was that why did he have to lie to me or hide it from me all this time I've been beliving that he wasn't talking to no one. I can't except the fact that he told me to get rid of all my male friends and there phone numbers I don't do so why should he . He went a bit angry when I told him I wanted to talk to him about this situation him calling his woman friend. He said she's just an old friend that he helped when she was having probs with her relationship there was nothing between them why would she sent a message saying when is the big day to him with I love you and kisses it doesn't make sense he says he loves me but hed prefer to go out with his friends or go fishing its hard to go out together because we have a toddler and there is no one to babysit I basically have no help at hand I'm going nuts cause I have no social life and I need time out like everyone else cause its just me and baby all day till my partner comes home I don't really call anyone cause I don't trust them with my probs they are all jelous of my relationship my mother and sister have tried to break us up his side have tried to break us up so id rather tell a stranger my probs and I know I can be happy about it telling them

The fact that he felt he had to lie tells me he knew how you would react, and he was right, wasn't he? So you either get over it, or show him that he must lie again to avoid you going lulu on him. Not a good situation, but You could help a lot by talking and reassuring him of your understanding, and not that oh wo is me you hurt my feelings. Not a mature approach in my opinion and demanding he has no female friends is UNREASONABLE, and insecure.

Quote:

---

I can't except the fact that he told me to get rid of all my male friends and there phone numbers I don't do so why should he . He went a bit angry when I told him I wanted to talk to him about this

---

This does change things quite a bit as if he makes demands then he must go by the same rules. You both have a lot of talking to do before you can walk down the aisle.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

This does change things quite a bit as if he makes demands then he must go by the same rules. You both have a lot of talking to do before you can walk down the aisle.

---

Hi thanks for that I am quiet reasnoble when it comes to things like that I'm not the wicked witch from the west I just want total honesty which I had I still do but he is a very hard man to aproach sometimes. My motto of the whole situation si that he had a friend only friends;;;;;; and because he told me to get rid of my male friends I di if I wanted to I could go with about 10 friends and talk to them on a daily basis and not tell him but I'm not that sort of person I'm honest is that bad? I'm not saying that he can't have female friends but he could have told me instead of hiding that makes it worse I was just fed up of his secrecy and he was like he was here with me but not here with me mentally and he said a few things to me wich I never thought would come out of his mouth this is before I rang the so called number I haven't even met her or spoken to her so naturally you would think the alam bells come on and you get this sick feeling in your stomach like something is not right. I was like that for 4 days and didn't tell him then I just came out with it cause he said what was that look for I told him it was nothing then I said to him I will have a good talk to you at home I didn't want to make him look uncomftable I just wanted to talk to him I wanted the truth for all the cards to come out on the table cause I'm no fool. But it didn't wait till we got home we were driving going to someone's place and I had to tell him right then and there about what's wrong. But it didn't come out right cause he told me if I don't tell him then and there he would stop the car so I can tell him and when I told him he made me sort o look stupid do you think he got cranky because I found out or was he cranky cause he had something to hide I don't know. Anyway I didn't finish telling him all the story and my feelings its like he didn't want to go on about it and told me he was very upset at what and how I think. I didn't say to him are you having an affair idont know for sure so I didn't accuse . So he turned around and said "what do you think I'm having an affair or do you think I'm running around with everyone I said no I don't think that at all I said why the big secret about this person he told me in a tone where he said oh she's just a old friend I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you was his answer and he also said what is it do you want to leave I said not its not about leaving its about talking ijust want to sort this out he automatcally thought about me leaving. But when we got home I wanted to continue talking to him and also I wanted him to show me his phone in front of him. To see how he would react I would have known if he was liying or not but I couldn't do that because as soon as we got home we had visitors and he even told his brother I think that his having an affair . How embarrassing on me. I wanted to talk privat and he smartly gave a comment to his brother so the conversation didn't really finish and it was left at that I'm still feeling a bit uneasy why is that do you think he would be able to trust me and love me like before