:confused: Hi, I am very confused. I was married for 10 years. My husband was a great provider, we had a beautifull home, vacations, and lots of friends, but he was always out with the boys, watching games at the bar, fishing trips, or just hanging out with his buddies, I know there were no other women, but we never had together time, not even on birthdays or our anniversaries. We had no children. He did drink quite a bit, couple of times got very verbally abusive. I met a friend on line nine years ago, (married with two kids) we didn't see each other in person or picture for 5 months and lived only 25 minutes apart, but we fell in love. After almost a year we both left our homes,got divorced and moved in together. We got married, have a beautifull daughter. My ex had a very hard time accepting our divorce, on the day we got divorced he begged me crying not to do it. He has always called me on days he is felling really bad. He has remarried twice, has a girl from second wife and a boy from third wife. Both wife's claim they couldn't deal with him and "his boys" ( yeah it sounded familiar) but they also tell everybody the same thing, that he was always talking about me, always remembering "us" on holidays and important evets.
My husband was diagnossed with cancer last year, but he is doing great after surgery and radiation, thanks to God.
My ex has been in touch with me on a daily basis for the past 5 months, he just called me at exactly midnigth on new years to say that he loves me and we belong together.
I am very confused, I miss him, I love him, I love my husband, my ex still drinks and hangs out with the boys, he has made a very succesefull life, he has retired at the age of 41. My husband spends every cent we have buying everything we don't need we don't even own a home.
Please give any ideas or sugestions.
Thanks.

You made your bed and you should have the decency to lie in it. You can't just go from man to man and make a family and then be unhappy and look elsewhere. Fickle is the word I will use, but but there are more descriptive ones that come to mind. You need help to understand the selfishness of you behavior and thinking. Not once have you mentioned the welfare of the kids you have borne into this self inflicted drama, so get a professional before you ruin more lives.

Sounds like your ex misses you now that you're gone, and you miss his money now that it's gone. The grass usually does turn out to be a different color on the other side of the fence, though not necessarily greener. Your post is almost entirely about your ex and very little about your husband. You dishonor your current marriage by giving your ex so much attention.

Your ex hasn't really changed, he just wants what he can't have. If you went back to him, it wouldn't be long until things were just like they were before you left. If you gave as much effort and attention to your current marriage as you do to enabling your ex's blubbering, you'd probably have one of the better marriages around. But you too want what you can't have. Maybe you and your ex are perfectly matched after all.

Husband only - get this other guy oput of your head.

Something is misisng I nyour life and it's NOT your ex. Get to counseling and figure it out.

There are massive reasons they are EXs!!

I really want to thank all of you who have taken the time to read and answer my problematic question. About my husband, he was the months wonderful man, I completely fell in love with him nine years ago, by just talking to him. Hwen we met he was just wonderful gve me all the attention in the world,and I need it it,since my all my family and his family and friends put me in the back burner for leaving my ex-husband. We spent every special moment together, he helped around the house, had dinner cooked when I got home from work, we even cancel cable so we could have more "time" to just talk and play board games after dinner. For the past three years, his family decided to welcome "us" he spends every free minute of his life at their house, tree months ago there was a family function at a big hal he said he didn't feel well enough to go , so I went to help serve dinner, he told me to came home right after, I did. Well he decided he should help clean up the hall after the party, he left the house at 11:30 pm and got home at 3:30 am and spent all night dancing and having the time of his life, and when he got home he told me swore he had been just cleaning. Every time I confrote him for the past 3 years he tells me to get out, even in from of our daughter. I was rushed to the hospital with astma he went into the bedroom turned on the TV and watched TV and went to sleep, when I got home at 2 am he didn't even asked me how I felt. He comes in from work, showers go es to bed and stays there all evening and weekend, and askes me and our daughter to bring him meals in there.
I hope this kind of gives you an idea of who my husband is, can you please answer back again,
Thanks.

You need to stop remembering the good times with ex and think about all the times you where left alone because of the boys.
He is not going to change so just let him go.
You have caller id do not answer when he calls or change your number or something.
Because you will be the one left raising all of his kids and yours why he is out with the boys.

I'm so confused . You left a wonderful man, for a bum, and now you want the wonderful man back, cause your tired of the bum, who was a wonderful man, but changed to a bum. What do you do to these guys to make them into such bums? You didn't bother working on the first relationship and it looks like your repeating that pattern, but you want to go back to the first relationship that's messed up? Get help before you go jumping head first into a relationship that has already failed once. Makes no sense at all.

The grass is always greener isn't it? It sounds like you left one loser for a prince charming (but he was actually a loser too) and now you want the first loser back. What makes you think that your first husband has changed. I bet all of your old issues will still be there if you go back to him. Slow down, take a deep breath and think about yourself and your children. What is best for them? Perhaps being alone for a bit to work things out for yourself is an option. Whatever it is, you need to stop jumping from relationship to relationship, it is not good for you or your children.

Well, it sounds like your prince charming has turned into a slug. It isn't clear from your post whether he's been this way for the whole three years you've been together, or just for the last three months. Whatever, you need to get into marriage counselling, or otherwise shake him out of his stupor and breathe some life back into your marriage. I'm not surprised that your ex is sounding good, but believe me, going back to him will only compound your misery. Either fix the marriage you're in, or give up on it and spend some time on your own to figure out who you are and how to avoid getting involved with yet another a**hole.

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Whatever it is, you need to stop jumping from relationship to relationship, it is not good for you or your children

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Strange you don't mention the children much.

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Either fix the marriage you're in, or give up on it and spend some time on your own to figure out who you are and how to avoid getting involved with yet another a**hole.

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Being on your own would probably be your best option until you get your head together.

The chilldren involved in this situation are our daughter who absututly loves us both and is loved by us, but is already witnessing the change on my husband's behavior and bad choice of words, she even says : -how come we don't have family time any more? It's only you and me mommy". And there are my husbands children that live with their mother and her husband, wich they love and they love me, because I am always there for them, even to just hang out. And their dad (mu husband) is always busy watching TV or sleeping...
But they are all grown up now (16 and 19). My ex-husbands children live with their mothers, in a different country, he see them when ever he is there, as I said he is very comfortable financially,owns real estate in four different countries, travels a lot, and just for personal gain he owns and runs a school over seas to help less fortunate children speak english.
As for therapy, I went to counseling nine years ago, for 4 months sometimes 4 times a week. Didn't give the strength I needed to correct this enormous problem I started 9 years ago. And recently I went back to counseling, even asked my husband to go with me, he said I was a looser to go spend money tallking to a stranger.
Yeap... not much help there...

The more I hear about this relationship the more I think you need to forget both of them and spend time on your own with your daughter. There is nothing wrong with being alone for awhile to figure out where you are and who you are.

Tuscany - you are so exactly correct!! This is what must be done.

She needs to forget about both guys and work through her own issues.

Honey, you need to put your running shoes down and do some work, your passivity is not a good trait especially on a married woman (a mother at that!). From what I have gathered from your posts, you tend to run when situations get too hard for you to deal with which is probably why it seems that you have made the same mistake twice. When the situation got too bad with your ex, you ran into the arms of your current husband (you didn't mention whether you tried marriage counseling, after all your ex had the money) and now that your current marriage is failing (your husband had cancer and has turned into a slob), you find yourself running back to your ex, aren't your feet tired? Don't you want to try and make things work first before you put your running shoes back on? You need to start learning how to face the difficult times in life otherwise you will run out of places to hide.
Good luck!

OK, here is a bit more information... my ex and I have known each other since I was born, we grew up across the street from each other, he was my first real love, our families adore each other. When I got divorced,and remaried my husband was the best husband, did everything to meke me happy, including making vacation plans, buying everything for his kids, ex-wife and family, and I must say this(with my money) he was married for 17 years and never had money to go on a single vacation with his kids. I work 54 hours a week,I pay all my bills, plus I am paying for his oldest daughter's college with her mother. He works also, but doesn't get any overtime because he has to go home and "rest". The fact that my husband had cancer has nothing with me thinking about leaving, I was the one that got him the best doctors at Dana Farber in Boston, I spent hours, night after night on line trying to get as much information on his condition as I could, while he kept telling me "let's just go out to dinner and forget about it" I hold a full time job plus any overtime on a regular basis, I spend every minute I am not at work, with my daughter, I run my household, even when we need "water" I am told to go get it at the store.
I am not trying to make anybody agree with me, but I somehow think I have made everybody think I am this terrible person, wich I am not. And yes my ex and I went to caounseling for three months a year before we divorced.
Thank you for reading some more.

I don't think you are a terrible person... :)

But - I do think Talaniman hit the mark when he described your behaviour as "fickle".

Take a step back and look at what you have done and what you are now considering doing. I wouldn't deny that these guys in your life have their problems, but your capacity to so easilly move between them seems fickle to me.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I'm so confused . You left a wonderful man, for a bum, and now you want the wonderful man back, cause your tired of the bum, who was a wonderful man, but changed to a bum. What do you do to these guys to make them into such bums? You didn't bother working on the first relationship and it looks like your repeating that pattern, but you want to go back to the first relationship thats messed up? Get help before you go jumping head first into a relationship that has already failed once. Makes no sense at all.

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Damn it I had to spread it but I was thinking the same thing.

It sounds like you want what everyone wants. The perfect person. That does not exist. You take the good from the first while you got it but then the bad drives you to the good of the second but the bad drives you back to the good of the first. Rince and Repeat. The problem is nobodies perfect and the guy you actually dream of who is a combination of the good of both these guys does not exist.

What would make you think that the guy you are currently married to would make a lasting commitment? He didn't commit to his first wife and children, why you? Maybe you're getting what you gave. You gave his first family heartache by involving yourself intimately with him, knowing he belonged to someone else. YOU JUST DON'T MESS WITH MARRIED MEN, ESPECIALLY MARRIRED MEN WITH CHILDREN!

Maybe he's depressed because he feels the guilt of leaving his family for something new and exciting. He didn't honor his commitment to them and maybe now feels like a jerk, so he's hiding in bed from you and your daughter because every time he see's you, he's reminded of what a heel he was for leaving. Maybe he's really been a selfish jerk the whole time and you were just so interested in leaving your first husband that you didn't bother to acknowledge it.

You've made a child with this man, stay put, don't destroy another family. Your first husband hasn't changed and going back won't cure him, he's selfish too, it doesn't matter how long you've known him, he's part of your past. Just stay there and fix what you have. Dedicate yourself to your daughter. That doesn't mean forget about your husband. Act the way you did when you first married him. Romance him again, show him you care and he may just reciprocate.

You are married to your husband and he deserves your loyalty and affection. Your ex is an ex for a reason. He didn't survive two subsequent marriages. You initiated the divorce for a reason. I won't say whether you were right to divorce him or not since you didn't elaborate as to what steps you took, if any, to try and save your marriage before it fell apart. He may have begged and cried for you not to divorce him but he also may have had ulterior motives. I think you may be falling into the trap of wanting what you can't have. Put your whole self, heart and soul, into your marriage and I'm sure that the longing you may think you're feeling for your ex will pass.