Ask Me Help Desk - Husband not involved

I've been married 4 and a half years I have 3 kids but I fell like a single parent. I just want to be loved. I was young and clueless when I met my husband, if I knew what I know now I would have ran a mile. I was desperate for attention and love but chose the one person who never gave it and never will, why? Im an outgoing person I want my husband to be my best friend every time I tell heim my secrets my family business my friends business and he throws it back at my face, in past fights he calls me a prostitue and swears that's what I am.it did hurt a lot at first but now I laugh. Now I don't think that I'm totally inocent I have many faults, I think wer very uncompatible, and he doesn't love me. What do I do? Do I become a prostitute and find sum1 else who will support me and my kids? Or do I stay? There so much so man stories but it comes down to the fact he has no respect or feelongs for me. In the past he hit me on the 3rd day of our wedding, that was my fault I kept asking him I wouldn't stop, kept asking him how will we pa the money he took out my credit cards, then he hit me when I was 9months pregnant with my daughert that was becoz I kept asking him why is he phoning another woman at midnight, he started deleting his calls and messages when the bill came I asked him then he hit me becoxz I didn't stop asking him I pshed him to it, on every occasion of hittng he has blamed me for makning him, which is true.when he hit it was punchs to the face and head. If I tell ia bit more about our history, he was previously married and told me he never slept with his wife and never luved her but I saw with my wn eyes he would text her telling how much he luved her"more than u can imgane" his wife told me they did sleep together but I beleved him. NOW I Don't NOW I CURSE MYSELF, why was I so stupid. BUT I know you must be thinkng this is the past ITS my choice I knew everything I was 19, I thoguht it was love that everything would be OK, I was stupid. If I complain that I haven't been given a birthday prsent or anniversary present, I can't its my fualt becoz he never gave any present, he never wantd to, every occasion passes but I mean nothing to him he doesn't try. We are so different I'm sure he would be perfect for sum1, not for me. When we 1st met he told me his first girlfriend which was his first love killed herself becoz her parents didn't agree to them, now I think he only loved her and can't love anyone. We hardly talk he never shares his feelings not atall never from the start it would always be me talking, so when it came to him talking t caroline on the phone I was shocked... SHOCKED, I thought this man has a tongue he can talk for hours and the phone wow. Why does he hate me so much why am I a kanjri a prostitute? Why does he not leave me? Now I'm at the stage to leave him becoz all that love is gone the young girl has grown up, After our third child my daughter who's was 1 and a half had a hip problem and my husband chose to sleep on the floor rather than get a bigger bed and put it next to the other bed, it would make me angry I wouid cry a year and half on I enjoy the bed to myself. My husband doesn't support me we receive benefits and he's more than happy about that, he would get angry when I wouldn't ask my mum for money then I was a ***** then when he asked again I pawned my gold I thought mayb he will love me more 6months nothing changed I have 3weeks to get my gold back. I have endless stories but I can take most of the blame becoz I ALWAYS WANT, I always complain I'm never happy with what I have, I always nag I only want money, I only talk about money, I only ask him about money.no wonder he hates me. Is this what some men make us feel like? Or are we woman that bad or am I *****?

Mary, I've moved your post out of the other thread so that our experts can give you personal attention.

PS. Please use sentences. Your information is very hard to read.

The thing that disturbs me the most is that every time you talk about him hitting you you have an excuse for it like Idid such and such. How is that your fault? You descibe a horrible relationship and no sense of respect but you choose to stay. What is there to stay for? You deserve someone to love you for you. Why do you mention prostitution? You can survive with plannig without that. You have learned to be a doormat and that needs to change. You and your children deserve better. Any feelings about his exgirlfriend is a cop out. He doesn't know how to be in a healthy relationship and I would bet that that wasn't healthy either. Find your sense of self esteem and act accordingly

What jumps out at me here is the fact that you have three children who are growing up with your husband beating the cr*p out of you, and your children suffering the consequences right along with you.

You say your family survives on benefits and your husband doesn't work if I read you right. Just why is that, is he disabled? Do you have to care for him because of a disability he has?

In which case you may as well say you are totally responsible for four people, who are all dependent upon you, and then yourself.

I find it hard to believe that throughout your story, you continuously describe episodes of volence, yet, in the same breath, assume responsibility for the violence. You do realize that is not a realistic understanding of domestic violence. It worries me that you continue to assume responsibility for his punches on your face, and do not realize that this is criminal behaviour.

My advice to you, considering your lack of information and knowledge in what options are available to you, is to seek help, and seek assistance, in moving out of the family home, and into a shelter where you can get the security, safety, counselling, and help you need, to live your life without him.

I don't know where you live, I am presuming that you are in a country where you have options to get out of an abusive relationship. Do you have family, friends, anyone you can turn to for help? Are there police services in your area for you to call when he starts beating you? A crisis centre, women's centre, hotline?

While you continue to stay and wonder what is wrong with you, you are missing the entire point of just how wrong this situation is, not only for you, but for the three children you brought into this world.

If nothing else, put their needs first and start making some phone calls to find out what services are available to you, and what you need to do to get out.

It's not your fault. He is abusing you. You were young and in love, you did nothing wrong. I think you should leave, he doesn't sound very nice or good for you.

Get him out of your life. Forever, ASAP!! Or keep being miserable.

No my dear, reading to your story makes me re vise my bad days .dont blame yourself for their faults. Actually we never complain or act at first on their wrong behaviors at first that's y they take it for granted that they can what ever they want to with us. I have 11years of marriage 3 lovely kids bi loved my husband more then any thing but he keeps on deceiving me even till now I doing a job running his house looking after his family and we don't deserve love and care . Give damn I'm thinking of getting separated from him if couldn't then I will rather become prostitute to show him his face of lust that's what they desrve. Tit for tat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mahwish79

give damn i m thinking of getting separated from him if couldn't then i will rather become prostitute to show him his face of lust thats what they desrve. tit for tat.

I have to fully disagree with this advice. NEVER allow someone to cause you to hurt yourself out of spite or anger. 'Tit for tat' usually ends up hurting the person who wants vengeance more than it does the person it is directed at.

No one should stay in an abusive relationship. There are so many ways out and people who are willing to help that there is no reason to stay. Unfortunately, all of the help in world is useless if you don't take it or accept it. It is a decision that only you can make. Please look at the facts and reality instead of relying on the distorted image of a warped mirror.

I hope in the time since you wrote your question that you have read and taken the advice you have been given to heart.