Hey Guyz...

I'll start of with this.
Im a 21 year old guy and I'm pusuing BTech write now.Right now I'm in a position that I cannot do anything to make things better.I'm not smart,not even good looking but the reason that bother me most is that I can't even fight for what should be mine.I don't have many friends just one or two with whom I hang out with others are just who make fun of me.But I don't think it's their fault.I'm just not smart enough to live in a society.Thats what always keeps me from talking to new people and be friends with them because I know sooner or later they'll know I'm dumb and they'll make fun of me.I barely talk to girl because of this reason.There always a fear inside that I'll do or say something that people will make fun of me.But that's not it.
Whatever I try to do always ends up in a mess.Im not even a very active guy who could look into things as soon as things starts getting out of hands.Situation keeps getting worst and all I do is sit and wait because I know no matter what I do it will not get better.Things keep falling and breaking around me.So I'm in such a position that I don't try at all.And there is more..
When it comes to academics I'm getting worse.My parents wants me to pursue MBA after my engineering but don't want to.I don't want to study at all but on other hand I don't even what I want to do with my life.All I know that I love music and art and if something I'll do will be related to them.I have no direction .No source of motivation.Even though I have a family and some friends I haven't got anyone to whom I can talk and discuss about all this.I feel fear,worthlessness and alone all the time.Sometime I get so frustrated that I wish my life could end right then."Suicide" but I know it takes lot of courage that I don't have and its wrong.But when there is no way out what can I do.Nobody wants to die ,we just want to kill pain which we feel inside ,right?. I don't know if anyone is going to read it or not but if someone does please tell me something.I mean anything that I could hold myself and go on with my life...

Neal,

I cannot help you to change your perception of yourself. That comes from within yourself.

I am not a doctor, but it sounds like you have a pretty tough depression going on. Please seek help. Your "Self worth" is in the trash can, so to speak.

My grandaughter would find you fascinating in that you love Art and Music.

Why not consider taking classes in these two studies. Open yourself up to others, just because you think they consider you to be dumb, does not mean they actually think that.

You are looking at Suicide incorrectly. Suicide is not an act of courage. It is an act of desperation. Fueled by circumstances the overwhelm people. It is a "Last act" of someone in such pain that they can not see any way out of the morass.

To me "Courage" is not resorting to Suicide. It's the hanging on and fighting through the miseries and
Staying alive.

Our family recently lost a young lady (24, mother of two young girls) to suicide. There is no way, in my mind, to believe that the world is better without Tiffany.

Please find reasons to keep living!

Neal--

Are you really giving these people a chance to know you. Im not saying that people don't do hurtful things to others. The ones who do that are trying to cover up their own insecurities. We are not perfect Neal, but you have to take chances in life and reach out. You are going to find connections and yes some rejections reaching out.
Most of us have one time or another felt like we didn't add up to what is acceptable in society. But we have to learn to move on from those feelings. You said that you have couple of friends that you hang out with. Listen friendship is not in quantity, its in quality!! Some people don't even feel that they have a couple of people to hang out with.
As far as being stupid, that is just right. First of all I don't believe in that word period. Your in college majoring in Engineering, um honey there is no way you can do that and not be considered pretty intelligent!! Okay so you feel a connection with music and Art, I agree take some classes in those fields. You're a grown man, you can make your own choices.
Your going through depression, nothing to be ashamed of, but you can get some counceling, try the school councelor at your college. You have a lot to live for, your just a little blinded right now.

Hi Neal,

Last week I buried a cousin who had committed suicide. She was 19, and absolutley gorgeous. What really haunts me is that she never asked for help. She never said anything to anyone, she never shared her pain. The last thing I heard before the tragedy was that she had started some modelling gigs, and was sure to be a superstar.
Now, in comparison with you, she is the total opposite- had loads of friends, had an awesome job, was beautiful and had every man drooling over her. And yet, she decided to take her own life. Don't give up on life that easy Neal, its so not worth it!

Now don't get me wrong, I am not a fluffy bunny floaty fairy lover, but I want to share something with you. Recite it when you are feeling worthless:

To everyone who watches over me,
I seem to have forgotten my Divine life purpose, and i ask your help so that i may remember the reason i chose to come here at this time. I am willing to release all fears that keep me from remembering my life's purpose, including the fear of success and failure. I know that i am qualified to fufill my mission, and i ask for you continued guidance in helping me to know which path makes my heart sing. Please help me to know the difference between joy and fear so that i may immerse myself in meaningful actions that serve others and bring me joy. Thank you so much.


Believe in in Neal!

Oh Neal,

As a mom I just want to reach over and hug you right now. (To me that sounds like what you really needed at the time you typed your post.) I would try to tell you everything will be all right. I hate to hear the sorrow your are going through. Honestly, reading your post, brought me to tears. I want to be able to tell you that people will not be so cruel one day, but the sad fact of that is that there will always be those bullies in life. The ones that no matter what, they will preach one thing yet do the other. They find pure joy in bringing others down. You need to have the attitude that you will show them.

You said you were in school for BTecht? And that your parents wanted you to pursue an MBA in engineering. If there was a way to merge them with your love of music, see if that is possible. If not, think of it that you will make the money from the other and you could use your music as a stress and calming release. Hey, invest your money wise enough and let your goal be to retire early and play music and enjoy art. With an MBA you would be able to afford those things.

You seem to really put yourself down. Honestly, sometimes we see only the bad or negative things and not really the good things in ourselves. You know like you can be looking in the mirror and see what appears to us to be a HUGE blemish but to everyone else, nothing is either seen or they don't see it until we point it out. What I am trying to say is if you have confidence with in then it will show. Even if you don't feel it right now, try to tell yourself you do. You talked about your looks and things. Not all girls look at a guy for looks. Really. Not all are out for the "pretty boy". For some of us it is the "boy next door" that is desired. So, don't think you have to look a certain way. The saying "in the eyes of the beholder" is very true.

You said something about suicide taking courage. I can understand where you are coming from BUT you have to think, something in you has not taken you to that and for that I think there is a great reason. That reason being hope for something better. I think you have it and feel it. There is something bigger and better out there. You have to believe. We all have to believe that because we all struggle from time to time.

About friends you only need one or two good ones. Really. And speaking of friends and people that responded before have spoken about someone that took their life. I too, know of someone that did just that week before last. One of his friends happens to be the husband of one of my close friends. He is talking it terribly. He is so shook up, so you may think your life doesn't effect people or won't if you are gone. But it does, his friend aches for their friendship and cries missing him terribly. Take care! Many Blessings to you!