This is for my sister who is a new and first-time grandmother to a darling baby girl - 4 ths old now. She has always had a great relationship with her dauhter -in-law and especially while her daughter in-law was pregnant. Daughter -in-laws parents live out of state so all her family is her husband's side (my sisters son). So, after the baby was born the daughter-inlaw has turned a cold shoulder to my sister. My sister is so deeply hurt because she doesn't get to see the baby as often as she thought she would. I think her daughter -in-law sent out very different messages when she was pregnant so my sister is very emotionally upset. My sister does not want to say anything or ask why she acts so cold - she does not want any conflict with her or start an argument between her son and wife. My sister keeps getting advice to be patient, she's being overly protective as a new mother, give her time to adjust to their new life with baby, so on and so on. In the meantime my sister is deeply hurt and has a hard time holding back her excitement when she does see her grandaughter and now feels like she has to watch every move she makes or says around the baby. What is up with this? Does this sound normal?

Your sister's daughter in law is isolated from her family and is getting all the conflicting messages that society gives mothers (nurture your baby/don't spoil them, spend lots of time with your baby/make them independent etc). I'm guessing your sister is coming in full of advice and/or stories about her mothering experience, and her DIL is feeling threatened.

I would suggest that your sister talk to her DIL, but start with making it clear that DIL is the mother, and is the final say on what happens with the baby. Your sister will be a back-up and a loving grandmother, but that's where it ends.

For what it's worth, I deliberately didn't spend much time with my own mother when my babies where tiny, because I could not stand the constant barrage of out-dated advice I got whenever I saw her. There's a good chance that your sister is pushing some old-fashioned notions that her DIL doesn't agree with, but doesn't want to argue about.

Yes, this sounds normal. I was glad my own mother lived 600+ miles away when our first child was born. My MIL lived in the same town that we did, but I kept her at arms' length because she was pushy and manipulating (visited me in the hospital while wearing her nurse uniform--she was a school nurse, so she would look like part of the medical team and could read my chart). The baby was colicky, didn't sleep at night, and I was a new and first-time mom who didn't know which end was up most of the time, and I didn't want either mother to tell me all kinds of stuff. I wanted to figure it out for myself. Every time I talked to one of them on the phone, I was asked Twenty Questions. No, thanks. Leave me alone.

Once the baby slept nights and was eating some solid food like rice cereal and applesauce, I had gotten some decent sleep and was willing to share him a bit. When the second baby came along four and a half years later, I was willing to hand him over the first day (he was entirely different from the first baby, plus I was a LOT more mature).

Tell her to be patient and don't complain or fuss. Her rewards will be great.

Had to spread the rep Wondergirl, but I agree with you.

I agree with your sister keeping her silence and distance for now. Time and patience will rule the day.

The new mother is likley overwhelmed with all the relatives visiting. It is a tremedous adjustment to make. Most new mothers in my opinion, need time, and stress free surroundings to bond with the baby. It's just nature's way.

I agree with Wondergirl that by not causing a fuss over not seeing the baby as often as she likes, will pave the way for welcomed visits, in the not too distant future.

Although this may be "normal." It could also be much more complex than what is being stated. A question I would want answered is - What kind of relationship does she have with her own mother? If the DIL's mother lives so far away, she may have guilt that her MIL is closer geographically than her own mother. She may feel as though she's betraying her mother. This would may cause her to pull away from her MIL. Another possibility is she's experiencing some degree of postpartum depression that is affecting her behavior. It can affect other relationships besides the mother-child relationship.

Wow, reading this post made me wonder if my own MIL's sister wrote it:).
I had my first baby a few months ago, and had always had a fantastic relationship with my MIL leading up to that point. However, after my son was born the amount of attention we received from her felt excessive - she was so excited to be a grandmother, and wanted to see the baby as often as possible. As a new mom I cherished being alone with my newborn, and bonding with my baby, and being a new little family with my husband. My MIL had set expectations in terms of how often she would visit and babysit, which made things really, really tough. I had a strong feeling that my MIL was not happy with the amount of visits she was having, and because I didn't leave the baby alone with her as often as she would've liked. However, I wished during that time that my MIL could've understood, remembered what it was like to be a new mom, and had respected my feelings of not needing a babysitter and backed off a bit. I've quietly tried to move on and build a good relationship with her, and things seem to have calmed down a bit thank goodness, but I completely agree with one of the previous posts stating that it just seems to be natures way... a new mother just craves time alone with her new baby and husband. Anyone who can't figure that out or understand it is selfish, and just wants the time they assume they deserve to be with the baby.

My take on this is that as some others have suggested, the new mom may wish to have privacy to bond with her baby. For example, she may feel uncomfortable breast feeding in front of the extended family, may not feel like getting fully dressed and feel she should if other people are coming over, may not be in the mood generally for company and so on. She also may be getting too much feedback and advice and "ideas" and "friendly suggestions" and it may annoy her.

She could have a bit of post-partum depression as well, may miss her own mother and so on.

I'd give her time for a while, and resist giving her any advice. Even if you are dying to chime in, only say, "wow, you have such a great instinct as a mother...you're doing an amazing job". Only give advice if and when you are asked.
If she expresses frustration over a problem, and you have a suggestion, first ask, "I can share what I did that worked well for me, but I don't want to chime in with unwanted advice...are you interested?" She'll tell you if she wants to know.

I went through some hurt feelings from friends, family and neighbors when my son came home. He is adopted, and we went through a great deal to find him and make the adoption placement happen, but for a variety of reasons we wanted to keep things low key for the first couple of months. We were trying to do the right thing, but it was difficult that other people were hurt by our decision.

The factors are different with the arrival of a new baby than an adoption but I can see how any new parent might want to kind of disappear a bit for a while with their new child, and other's should not take personal offense to the decision because it's entirely about them and the child, and not about the other person.

I like my mother-in-law, and of course my own mother, but when I have my baby this year I want privacy for at least 3-4 weeks. That doesn't mean they're not allowed to come over, but I am going to ask for brief and infrequent visits.

I really just want the time to bond with my own child without having her taken out of my arms every time someone wants to hold her and learn who we are together. I want to get comfortable as a mother and as a new family unit with my husband. I also think seeing another woman (who is not suffering from hormonal changes and is sleeping 8 hours through the night) holding my child and doting on her would be difficult. I would probably feel I can't do that for my baby with the same energy and feel bad about the situation. For me, post labor and being a new mother is a highly personal time and being around my own mother and my husband's mother makes me feel pressure about doing things a certain way.

It would be beneficial if the daughter-in-law could just explain, but I for one am very weary to upset my mother-in-law. And my mother tends to dismiss my feelings as silly and how I shouldn't feel this way or that way and then take everything I said and walk on eggshells afterward. Further, I've had both mothers tell me they want to be the FIRST to do something. Usually things I don't care about like buy her first pair of shoes or blanket. But regardless, I do not like being told I can't do something for my own child first.

At the end of the day, everything will be fine. If your sister and her daughter-in-law had a good relationship before, they will again. Both need time to adjust to their new roles.

Sounds just like me! And I would like to explain myself.
During my pregnancy, I began to feel very possessive towards my baby. I couldn't bear the thought of having my MIL and SIL around my child. It started when we all hang out and my SIL ( who's young with no kids ) wouldn't shut up about taking my kid places such as movies and stuff.. I could understand because I remember jumping up and down when my 1st niece was born but something felt almost like fear, as if someone were demanding "visitation rights". The farther along I was the stronger it felt. I thought I was crazy and asked other moms around. I wasn't alone.
Then I brought it up in a conversation with a hubby. He started it by saying that he hoped his mom would finally be happy, our child will make her happy. Wait a sec, I said, I'm not having a kid to make someone happy. And by the way, I said I don't and will not want your mom around my child much, there's no chance in hell (my exact words) I will ever bring my kid into her filthy trashy house.. I wouldn't mind if you have time to spend with the kid and you take him to see her but if I'm around, she's not going to be. He didn't argue, we never spoke about it again.
So, the baby was born. I was very afraid I was going to see her face unlimited and moreover, her getting involved with advice and stuff. Nope. Maybe my husband gave her a heads up? Don't know. She's visited about once in two weeks, didn't insist on holding the baby, I'm like: too good to be true lol But I'm finally calming down thinking that she's just not into my baby (thank God) maybe she thinks she's too young to be a grandma - she's 52
In conclusion I want to say that we women are bonded with our own families, I'm open to my mom and sisters. I've known them for years and the way I was raised and treated is the way I'm raising and treating my child. My MIL? I've known her for 2+ years, I am NOT raising my kids on junk food (it's on top of my hubby's food chain), I was raised in cristian atmosphere and my dad was (and still is) a pastor. My hubby's mom leads no spiritual life and I am pretty sure she doesn't consider it a necessity. Anyway, the main reason for me to keep the both (MIL and SIL distant) is that I'm not a big fan of theirs and due to me being VERY territorial especially when it comes to my personal space, I feel like my baby might be an open door for them to enter my space and disturb me.

Im going through the same thing. I am the motherin law. The kids are 20 yrs old.
During the pregnancy I helped take her to doct appts and ran her around . She can not drive and does not have a car.

Her mom was out of the picture I even threw her a shower.I have 3 sons so you can imagine the excitement when she had a babygirl!

Now she doing the same thing. Being very stingy!

Im trying to be patient so pray for us!

MIL

Life isn't just about 'oneself'. I am a mother in law (and the mother of four) and have 'stood back' and it has done no good. Most of our DIL do not have that attitude. But on of our daughters in law still seems threatened at times even when we haven't seen our grandchildren in several weeks. I am sure that attitude is not good for grandchildren. We just want to be grandparents and NOT parents to our grandchildren. We realize and support the fact that parents are in charge and have the last word. Someday each of these daughters in law will realize where most grandparents are coming from and may be shut out, too. There is nothing wrong with loving a grandchild and as long as boundries are respected, it should be encouraged. Some times we need to realize that we have to consider someone else's feelings not just our own. As long as grandparents respect boundries, I don't see anything positive about being possessive with a new grandchild. We do understand, though, that no matter how much we love our grandchidren, it is up to parents to allow the relationship between their child and it's grandparents to develop. Grandparents do play a part in helping a child to grow up well balanced. We ONLY want to be grandparents. Why do some daughters in law only think of their own viewpoint (which they do have the right to do, but that does not make it the right thing to do)? I believe that sometimes we have to force ourselves to be good people and do the right thing. The right thing in this case would be to allow grandparents to be the loving grandparents to their own grandchild. I hope none of the 'I, I, I,' daughters in law on this site are ever held at arms length from their own grandchildren. I always allowed my babies to be loved by their grandparents. That is what I wanted for them.. I wanted them to have a good relationship with loving grandparents as well as with me, their mother. I think some day when these daughters in law mature, they will realize that their attitude, while it being their right to keep grandparents at arms length, was not the kind or right thing to do, nor was it a productive thing for there babies.

As a new mom to be, I almost empathized with your words, until I saw the word "possessive." As grandmother, wish as you might, feelings aside, you CANNOT have the same relationship with your grandchild. And the fact that you're hurt that you can't is maybe understandable, but still not allowed. You, will always be important, but never equally first, and you need to stay in your role. Your job is to spoil, dote, and cherish, like the best grandma ever, but you are not supposed to be first. You're supposed to allow that extra cookie, and five more minutes at bedtime, not be mommy. Your job was with your grown son, and it is a changed relationship now. Any attempts at possession will definitely alienate your daugther in law. Baby and mother should bond, and you should remember what it was like when you had your precious boy: would you have wanted to turn your baby over to anyone when he was tiny?? Probably not, and if you had to, you probably resented it. Let them be. Let her come to you, and she will, if you're not trying to take over. And no fair manipulating your son, either, if you considered it.

This is so very interesting.
I am a daughter in law have had a baby in the last few months.
My MIL and I always got along great before the baby was born, but since then I have a really hard time being around her.
My situation is pretty much how you described it, with my family not being around and all.
Well anyway, I don't really agree with any of the answers above. Yes she may have given some unwanted advise, but that is just not it. And I really wish I could give you a straight forward answer but I don't have that. I have absolutely no idea why I am feeling this way and I can just assume that my MIL feels just the way your sister does. And I guess what I would really like from my mother in law is to just be patient. I am really trying to give her as much face time with the baby as I can, but it really is hard fir me. My husband is very supportive but it is really hard on him too because he is so close to his family. I do wish that everything will go back to normal soon and assure your sister that it is probably nothing she did, but maybe just natures way of establishing new families.
I really wish I knew what was happening with me, but I trust that all will go back to normal soon.

One more Thing about all this.
My MIL is the only Person that I feel this way about since my daughter was born. Everybody else is more then welcome to visit and hang out, so I really must believe that it is an evolutionary thing and that this will pass too.
Tell her to not be hurt and just ride it out, I am sure all will be back to normal soon.

SusiSynn
Wow! I can so relate to this...
I had my baby girl just 3 months ago and that is exactly how I feel towards my MIL!! I really feel guilty about it and I am considering to confront her but not sure how?!
The only diffrence is that this is my secound baby. The sitiuation was the same with the first born but I kindda ignored it and not acknowledge that feeling but now I am overwhelmed with intence emotions and feelings that I can not explain it to anyone fearing that they would make fun of or something...

ChillyLu,

I am so happy that someone else feels the same way.
And I totally get that you want to confront the situation, I have been thinking about it for months now, I do feels so guilty as well. But in the end I came to the conclusion that there is nothing really that my MIL did wrong, so to tell her and her not being able to change or do anything about would probably be even more frustrating for her.
And about talking to other people about it. I really find that very liberating and everyone seems very understanding and nobody made fun of me. They might not really understand but they listen, sometimes give advise.
My husband is sooo very understanding and helpful and even though it is really hard on him, he fully supports me.
So what I have been doing in the last few months is, whenever I feel just the slightest inkling of wanting to go over and seeing my MIL, I pack up the baby and go. I figure eventually this must go away.
How are you feeling about your MIL having your first baby? Are you as protective as of the second one now?

I know how this feels as I have felt very protective over my daughter since she was born, especially when it comes to the MIL. I was initially given lots of unwanted advice and now she just irritates me, going totally over the top and trying to run off with her in the pram at every given opportunity. She is always checking whether she is warm enough, offering advice on what she should eat and how I should look after her. Not wanted. She even discouraged me from breast feeding as she wanted to be able to give her a bottle. They live far away and so visits are always very intense.

I sometimes feel bad as I try and put the shoe on the other foot and so I try and makes some efforts. I am very keen for my daughter to have a good relationship with her grandmother but seriously she needs to give me space and make me feel like I know what's best for MY daughter. Her unwanted advice has actually been quite hurtful and made me feel bad - not helped by her going home and telling all of her family all the little things that she thinks Im doing wrong, which have got back to me. Im not doing things wrong , Im just doing them differently - and probably more inline with the way I was brought up as opposed to my husband. My daughter is a very happy , very smiley little girl - but of course this is down to the genes (according to mil) and nothing to do with the way we bring her up.

Tell your sister to offer praise for her d-i-l's decisions and tell her she thinks she's a great mum. I suspect without even realising it, she has probably given advice that was not wanted. My mum was brilliant when daughter was born. She looked after me and my husband, so that we could look after and bond with our daughter. I feel like my mil now doesn't even see me anymore and just has a complete obsession with baby.

Im sure within time, things will change but its not up to mil to make demands - this will only worsen the situation.

I just wanted to respond to mypoodle. Because this is actually the very issue I have with my family and in-laws. Thankfully, my husband and I completely agree on this subject, so there are no issues there.

You espouse a very personal worldview... a view that not everyone shares. Some people, myself and my husband included, believe it is okay to be selfish. We did not have a child for anyone other than us. We didn't do it to provide our parents with grandchildren or sibings with a niece or nephew. We did it for us. And as an attorney, I can tell you that our relationship is the only one that matters in the eyes of the law. Grandparents have NO RIGHT to a relationship with MY child. Grandparents, and anyone else, are only allowed the relationship that my husband and I believe to be appropriate. If that makes you unhappy, too bad. It's not our problem that you depend on your children and grandchildren for your happiness. I believe you should depend on yourself and your spouse to make you happy... that's it. Don't place the burden of your happiness on your children or grandchildren... that is a heavy burden to bear. You are asking them to be unhappy (since clearly they don't want the same relationship that you do) for the sake of your happiness. No parent or grandparent should ever do that in my opinion.

Also, you said you just want to be loving grandparents, which I think is great. But the parents, not the grandparents, get to decide what that means. I personally don't want to see my family every few weeks or even months. I like four or five visits per year. I like my own life with my husband, children, and dogs. And I'm not going to be unhappy for anyone other than them... and I think it is just plain WRONG to ask anyone to sacrifice their happiness for yours.

I do recognize that one day my children might grow up and only want to see me a few times a year, or maybe even none at all. But if that is what makes them happy, then that is what I want for them. Their happiness is more important to me than my own. And if it just me and my husband for the rest of my life, I'll still be happy because HE (and not my children or grandchildren) is the center of my universe.

Please remember that advocating that someone should think about your happiness too is a very personal decision about how YOU believe YOU should live your life. Other people don't always think like you do. Some people believe it is perfectly acceptable to put their own happiness first.