My boyfriend and I met about 3 months after my husband and I separated (was with my husband for almost 11 years) things were going great with the new guy but after 2 months it seemed to becoming too serious for me or maybe he was too attached. I don't know I felt as though I neede time for myself and to be alone and figure out what I want and who I am. I've never really been alone and I do miss my exboyfriend very much. We wanted to still talk to each other and hopefully in the future get back together but it's really hard trying to be just friends. Any suggestions... should we still be talking? I don't want to lose him as an important person in my life but I don't want to make things too complicated and confusing for him. We both miss each other but we know that we were in different places when we met (he was single for over a year and ready for serious commitment-I was single for a few months and not sure what I wanted). What do I do?

You back off this friendship, and cultivate others, until you are ready for a relationship, either with him, or someone else of YOUR choosing. Glad you are honest with yourself, now just be honest with him, and if he can't handle it, that's his problem NOT yours.

It'd be almost impossible to heal and figure out what you want while continuing to see him (even as a friend). Especially with knowing that he's wanting a serious relationship.

You need to back away. This will give you time to figure yourself out. It's not really right to tie him up with hope, so just let him go.

I agree with the above, but also want to point out that, what you are really doing is keeping 'a possibility' open, which sends the wrong message to your ex boyfriend. It is unfair for him, for you to keep a friendship going, when he is hoping and waiting for a relationship to develop from that friendship. He is likely, from what you've said, not moving on, because he is waiting for you.

Because you know you cannot predict the future, it is important for you to deal with not keeping one foot in it. By so doing, only you benefit from possibilities that may or may not exist. Please let him go, and stop putting his life on hold.

You are wise to even realize your feelings, and know that you need time on your own. You are also smart to know that you do not have the same aspirations as your ex boyfriend. But, as long as you have him in the shadows, you are holding yourself back, and keeping him, in a holding pattern.

Thank you all so very much for your posts. I know I need to let him go but I am scared of losing out on a possible great relationship. However, I know it's not right to lead him on and leave him waiting for something that may not ever happen. I guess the hardest part is trying to figure out what to say to him. And to add to the confusion my soon to be exhubby and I have been talking a lot and I can still feel that connection and I have been missing him a lot recently. I am working on my pro's and con's list because I honestly don't know what I want to do. I love my husband and always will but with all the hurt we caused each other would it ever work? I know I am not ready for a relationship with anyone at this point but in all honesty I would love to make things work with my husband. Lots of thinking needs to be done and any further words of advice are greatly appreciated. Thank you all again.

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my soon to be exhubby and I have been talking a lot and I can still feel that connection and I have been missing him a lot recently.

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We both miss each other but we know that we were in different places when we met

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Really? You have more to clean in your closet than just not being ready for a new relationship (you aren't) and as much as I know you don't want to hear this, you think you could choose between 2 men (you shouldn't.)

You can make a list if you want, but as long as you have "I don't know what I want and who I am" on your list, they are both out of the picture. Or you would just set yourself up for more disappointment.

1 - You've been with your ex husband for 11 years. I suppose you had enough time to try to make things work. If you separated (are you getting a divorce?) there is a reason. Ask yourself if you want to be with him out of habit.

2 - About your last "boyfriend" : don't underestimate men, you'd be surprised. You can let him go and give him time to think too. If he still wants to be with you AFTER YOU HEAL then go for it.

I know where you're coming from and I know it's hard. But whatever the reason why you just didn't list being single as an option, get rid of it. Because it seems like the best choice for the moment. It's never too late for a relationship so don't rush into a new one, chances are you will just destroy something that could be a good one.

I suggest slowing waaay down. Being separated and facing divorce can feel like a ride on a runaway train and you don't want to be a train wreck.

First of all, I agree with the others. You have to tell your new friend that you are at a transition in your life and you don't know where you're heading. That's honest. It's the truth. Cut him loose to live his own life. Communication with him will only confuse you both. You're already confused with your mixed emotions about your husband.

It's natural to miss your husband. You've been a part of each other for eleven years. You will feel a wide range of emotions. That's why it's best to be alone, no outside influences from another man.

Right now you NEED to concentrate on you and what YOU want. There's no room in your head or heart for anyone else and their needs. It's not fair to someone new because there is no way you could GIVE in the relationship, because right now you need to give to yourself.

Just be honest with the new guy, and honest with yourself regarding your feelings for your husband. Best wishes

Thank you again very much. I know you both are right everyone is right... I need to be single even if it gets lonely I need to experience life for myself. Ugh I just hate confusing people. I am confused myself I can't bring other people into my life when I don't know what I really want. I am going to tell both of them that although I do care for them and have very strong feelings for them both right now is time for me and I can't jump back into something so serious. Yes I know I'm missing my hubby because that's what I'm use to and what feels normal to me. Either way I am sure if we would get back together (especially now) that things would go back to the way they were maybe not right away but eventually. We have only been separated for almost 6 months with the divorce to finalized in December. It's just scary. I've felt better lately about being alone and not trying to fit someone else's needs and schedule into my life. I have enough to worry about 3 kids are a handful and I need to devote more time to them and myself. Although I'm still young (27) I constantly worry that I will be lonely forever if I don't go for what's out there now but I need to learn to be patient. This is definitely a growing experience and I can't thank all of you enough for helping me. I know what I need to do but I guess I needed to hear it from someone else. I'm always afraid of making the wrong decision and screwing things up but life is unpredictable so I need to worry about what will make myself and my family happy. Thanks again everyone!!

You're welcome. You sound like you're on the right track. Taking care of yourself, while you're taking care of three children is definitely a plateful for the best of us.

It's never too late (you're ONLY 27!) for love. When you're ready, it will find you. When you truly know yourself, you will recognize the right man for you.

It is possible to be happy on your own. Try not labeling yourself as "lonely". Lonely is just a feeling. It comes and goes. Just keep in mind that you don't need a man to be happy or to not feel lonely.

Now is the best time to lean on friends and family, especially because of your children. As I'm sure you already know, they are feeling the effects of the divorce, too. Keep your chin up. There are brighter days ahead.

Well here's an interesting spin on this... for the past 2 weeks my soon to be ex husband and I have been talking a lot and hanging out a lot and slowly working on building a good strong adult relationship and working on getting over our past issues in our marriage. We are much more open with each other and completely honest. Plus we are much more affectionate with each other and are enjoying spending time together again. I think we have both grown in the 6 months we were apart. We are taking things very slow and both agreed we like having our own places to go to and absorb everything and think. So we will see what happens. Ideally I would like to go through with the divorce (just in case things don't work out so we don't confuse the children or hurt them anymore) continue with this slow steady relationship and possibly do things the right way and have a great loving relationship together again. So far so good but like I said it's only been 2 weeks. Any feedback or advice or suggestions are welcome. Thanks again everyone for all your wonderful words.

If you are contemplating a reconciliation, I would postpone the divorce. I believe that would be more difficult for the children to understand.

Take your time, apparently things were bad enough that you believed a divorce was your only option. If the problems that caused your desire for a divorce can be worked through, then continue forward. If the root problems are not resolved, you will only find yourself back in the situation in a couple of years. Relationships are work, every step of the way. Continue the work and you may find the reward.

I think its great that you are both working a strong adult relationship. Even if things don't work out you will be able to move on without questions un-answered. I also like how you haven't put any proceedings on hold. Keeping the children from getting up their hopes in case this doesn't pan out.
My only concerns would be first that the children don't really even see you both as a couple again, until you know where this is going. Second, that get professional counseling. Reason I say that is, make sure this isn't a "Im lonely and my ex is available" rebound relationshp. It is real easy to go back to comfortable,familiar. We all at one time or another known what its like to brush the past hurt away and let the good times be at the fore front. Even passion for a husband that we have been split from can influence us to forget. So please get some counseling together to really see each other for good or bad. Good luck

Sounds good, but its only been two weeks.

I agree with not letting the children get their hopes up and keep your affections discreet, friendly.

It's easy to forget your problems when you just enjoy your time together and then part ways to your own homes. Like dating, when each puts their best out there, you know?

Counseling is a good idea, even if just for you by yourself at first. Divorce or not, an impartial professional can really lend some insight.

Just like marriage, no need to rush a divorce either, if you both feel there is hope and want it to work and you BOTH are willing to work through the problems.

Comment on answerme_tender's post

Yes we are going to start couples counseling soon. We are continuing with the divorce in hopes that things will work out for the best but if they don't then we don't have to drag the kids through another divorce.

Comment on talaniman's post

Husband and I have been separated for about 6 months now and just started talking to each other again about a possible relationship. We are taking things very slowly and getting to know each other again.

Comment on Survivor07's post

I agree that is why we have been talking about why our marriage didn't work and trying to move past... should be starting our counseling in the next week or two. I am excited but skeptical also-we'll see what happens

Comment on Justwantfair's post

We plan to still go through the divorce just in case we find that things don't work then we won't have to do it all again and then if they do work maybe we could get married again but do it the right way this time.

Well my mother found out that my husband(soon to be ex) has been around more and she is furious... she wouldn't even answer my call. She says-I thought you were smarter than that and I gave you money to get a divorce and now this. Seems like all she cares about is the money and doesn't care that maybe I'm happy and maybe my hubby is getting his act together. I understand she cares about me but don't talk down to me and scold me, listen and have an open heart and mind. I told her I had to let her go and said good bye and hung up. I didn't want to say anything mean or stupid but I'm so hurt. She was so upset that I broke up with the boyfriend but doesn't understand me wanting to see if the hubby and I can work things out again. I just don't think she will understand and I'm not ready to try and explain it to her.