Ask Me Help Desk - My Boyfriend Never Wants To Be Intimate

In the beginning of our relationship we had sex a lot to where I got pregnant and we broke up due to a lot of miscommunications and we recently have reconciled and have been back together going on 4 months now, we get along great and he is a wonderful dad to our child. In the four months we have been together we had sex once. He never seems in the mood or initiates it. He says the baby takes a lot of our time and she is a night owl. We don't have a lot of quality time and when we do nothing happens.. I feel so extremely fustrated and hurt. That he would want to just watch t.v.
We do have a huge age gap I am 38 and he is 50. He might be going through the male change as to speak but once in four months?? Give me a break. I don't believe I should have to initiate sex it makes me feel so unwanted. Maybe he is not attracted to me that way if so he should come out and say it. I have been feeling like he is only with me so he can see his daughter regularly. I have asked him about this and he says that's not the reason he is with me. I don't know how to talk to him about this, I don't want to hurt his feelings but heck he is hurting mine. I just need some advice on how others see this... I need a different perspective.

Was in in a relationship with someone else while you two were broke up?
There are plenty of 50 year old men who want sex quite regularly.
Have you talked to him about how this makes you feel? Not argue but talk.
There is nothing wrong with your initiating sex, it lets him know you want him. What response do you get when you initiate?

Honest communication in a relationship is essential .
It may not always be easy, but is always needed.

I would say that you should ask him about it.
You might start by telling him what you like about
The relationship and him, then say something
Like , there is something that is I would like to understand,
There is a lack of physical contact as I see it and would like your
Input and feelings.

It can be a touchy subject , but in a relationship
You should be able to find a way to approach any subject.

I wish you well.

Also, I just want to add that taking on a little one of all hours of the night can put a lot of strain on a person.

Don't get me wrong, I am not making up any excuses for no sex for 4 months, I just know that it can be hard.

Are there any other issues going on, for example, financial problems, problems at work, problems with any family members, etc?

I can see a couple of reasons to only have sex once in four months.

You are rebuilding your relationship after a break up. In effect your relationship is four months old. Perhaps he doesn't want to make the same mistakes that occurred the first time around and wants to get to know you better outside of the bedroom.

Does he harbor any fears that another unplanned pregnancy could occur?

Talk with him and discuss how both of you feel and make certain that all of the issues of the past have been dealt with.

Another thought is what is his health like? Medical issues, medications, stress from family, work and friends, etc. can all be libido limiters. Adding pressure to preform can also make a person shut down. Is he showing affection in other ways?

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Originally Posted by Cat1864

I can see a couple of reasons to only have sex once in four months.

You are rebuilding your relationship after a break up. In effect your relationship is four months old. Perhaps he doesn't want to make the same mistakes that occurred the first time around and wants to get to know you better outside of the bedroom.

Does he harbor any fears that another unplanned pregnancy could occur?

Talk with him and discuss how both of you feel and make certain that all of the issues of the past have been dealt with.

Another thought is what is his health like? Medical issues, medications, stress from family, work and friends, etc. can all be libido limiters. Adding pressure to preform can also make a person shut down. Is he showing affection in other ways?

I think in the back of my mind he is scared of another pregnancy happening. When I asked him awhile ago about the intamacy issue his reply was: he wanted to take things slower this time around, that he wanted the relationship to work this time around. I can understand that but we see one another on a daily basis how is it possible not to think of being intimate?
Im stressed, my daughter is a ball of energy and she runs on virtually hardly any sleep.. she gets all our attention and when she is asleep I would like some attention. Its all I ask. The other night while my daughter was asleep I made a move and groped on him and he did nothing back, its very very fustrating. I feel if I say something again I am nagging him and it will make him not want to have sex even more.
We do kiss a lot but it never leads anywhere. I guess I am feeling very fustrated and not sure if the relationship should continue as I do have a good friendship with him and maybe it needs to just stay that way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by drl71

I think in the back of my mind he is scared of another pregnacy happening. When I asked him awhile ago about the intamacy issue his reply was: he wanted to take things slower this time around, that he wanted the relationship to work this time around. I can understand that but we see one another on a daily basis how is it possible not to think of being intimate?
Im stressed, my daughter is a ball of energy and she runs on virtually hardly any sleep..she gets all our attention and when she is asleep I would like some attention. Its all I ask. The other night while my daughter was asleep I made a move and groped on him and he did nothing back, its very very fustrating. I feel if I say something again I am nagging him and it will make him not want to have sex even more.
We do kiss alot but it never leads anywhere. I guess I am feeling very fustrated and not sure if the relationship should continue as I do have a good friendship with him and maybe it needs to just stay that way.

He has said he wants to go slow and not mess up again. It doesn't mean he doesn't want sex. It sounds like he trying to take it slowly so that sex isn't the only thing keeping you together as a couple.

I think you are placing a lot importance on getting attention through sex. It almost seems like you don't see kissing and being together just enjoying a quiet moment as getting and giving attention. While I understand your frustration and need for stress relief, I also see the need to not rush back into a relationship based on sex.

I think you should be able to tell him how you feel and listen to what he feels. Find a compromise by communicating and working together. Look at ways you can support each other's needs for adult attention and stress relief that allows the relationship to grow naturally and steadily.

I took some time to really look into what you said, and maybe I was putting a little too much importance in the sex issue but I just was having a problem understanding his lack of interest. In the first two months that we have been back together I didn't think about having sex with him at all, as I was still a little raw from our break up and was having trust issues, even though he never cheated on me, he didn't bother with me the whole time I was pregnant and 4 months after she was born. I had a huge problem with that and still do. He saiys he was going through a huge depression. Maybe so, but no excuse to treat me or the baby the way he did. I think we still have many issues to overcome and sex is the least on my priority list. Communication has always been our big issue. And still is.

Perhaps you two need to deal with your issues. Did you deal with the reason you had the break up? It's hard to get back together and make things work when you didn't fix what was broke to begin with.
You need to communicate more than have sex at this point.

Quote:

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Homegirl 50 again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Perhaps you two need to deal with your issues. Did you deal with the reason you had the break up? It's hard to get back together and make things work when you didn't fix what was broke to begin with.
You need to communicate more than have sex at this point.

It does sound like more time working out the issues is needed. I am glad you seem to be working on them (hopefully, together).

Have you thought about Couple's Counseling?