Before I say anything, I just want to make it clear that I love my boyfriend so much and I have yet to meet anyone that I feel more compatible with. The only thing we're not compatible with is sex.
We've been together for a 3 years but we were best friends for 4 years before we officially got together. He had always been a bit pervy and I was quite happy with that since I was the same way. However, 2 years ago, we were discussing sex and he mentioned to me that he really liked watching BDSM porn (more specifically, pretty girls being victims). At first I was okay with it but then I watched some of it and felt really uncomfortable with it. I'm all for a bit a kink but this was too much for me.. In my head I kept thinking "is this what he fantasizes about when he thinks of me?". Now I just feel uncomfortable even talking about sex with him. It's so bad now that even if we're watching a movie together and sex comes up, I want to leave the room.
I told him how I felt but I still don't know how I should handle this.. I don't feel right telling him that he can't get off on it. I know of girls who do that to their boyfriends/spouses all the time and I hate it. I would love to go back to having a normal sex life but at the moment, there's so much tension that neither of us wants to have sex with each other at all. He just goes and watches more porn.. If that's what he likes then there's nothing I can do but either accept it or leave him. I really need some adivce here. I want this relationship to work so bad but the BDSM really crosses a lot of limits for me. I've asked advice before and all I got were people making me wrong for not being receptive to BDSM. :/

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Originally Posted by halcyon1605

I should handle this.. I don't feel right telling him that he can't get off on it. I know of girls who do that to their boyfriends/spouses all the time and I hate it. I would love to go back to having a normal sex life

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Hello h:

You're not wrong, and he's not going to change. It's just not your thing. You need to go.

excon

You are not wrong in how you feel. Neither is he. What is wrong is trying to continue a relationship when there is this much discomfort between you.

You could try couple's counseling. However, I don't think it would help in the long run because the knowledge of what he 'likes' will always be there no matter what is said or done in the future.

I think you both need to let this relationship go and heal before moving on to partners with sexual interests which are closer to your own.

Question: Is he pushy about you participating in his kink?

If he's not, I don't see the issue, so long as he respects your limits (and doesn't cross them) you should be able to get back to a normal sex life.

It does suck a bit for him but that's for him to decide.

I think it might be helpful if you could work out exactly how your limits are being breached before you can be certain what you want to do.

For example, do you fear that because your boyfriend watches BDSM he wants to try it? If so have you actually discussed whether that is on his mind anyway? Some people like to fantasise about or watch things that they do not necesserily want to do themselves.

Is the fact that he watches it enough of a problem in itself? Can you work out why this bothers you so much? I'm not for a moment saying it shouldn't bother you, but if you can work out exactly how and why you can think about whether it is a deal breaker.

BDSM involves acting out an inequality of power. However, it should always be between consenting adults who have agreed what they are happy with so that in fact the real power underneath is equal since both/all parties are acting in a way they choose to. BDSM can also look violent, degrading and in some respects like rape. Again, however it is a roleplay, and the nature of the interaction is consensual, so the mindset of the participants will be completely different to that where genuine violence, degradation or rape are concerned.

Do you have fears that because your guy likes to watch this sort of stuff he has some unacceptable feelings towards women?

You say you worry that he might fantasize about this sort of stuff when he thinks of you. Whilst I'm not into porn, I have some pretty far out fantasies at times and I can definatley say I wouldn't actually want to act most of them out with my hubby or anyone else. They are definitely just fantasies, and I don't think of them in relation to my hubby at all, they are just my own thing with fantasy figures not real people. If you want to know whether he thinks of you in this way I can only suggest you ask him.

Just a few things to think about. If you can work out exactly what is a problem for you and whether any compomise can be made with your boyfriend you might find a way forwards together. If the whole thing is something you cannot accept and is important to your guy then I agree with the other posters that you will have to let each other go.

Hi,

I was in exactly the same position as you. My boyfriend was also my best friend for a while before we got together and I knew there was something up as he could be quite controlling at times. I'm very confident though and it didn't really bother me as we agreed on most things. After we got together he told me that he watches BDSM porn and that he wanted to be dominant with me. I went through a lot of angst and I was very very very close to leaving him. But we made it work without my becoming anything like a slave. You need to talk with him openly - I know it's hard, I couldn't even look at him for months after he told me, but until you can sit down with him and ask him the questions you are scared of having answers to, you're going to feel the same way. If you want to talk to me about it you can contact me on EMAIL REMOVED I'd love to have someone else in a similar position to talk to too as I have nothing to compare my experiences with.

Good luck. :)

Talkinghelps--this thread is from October. While it's possible the OP will come back to read your response, it's not probable.

Also, off-site contact is not allowed at AMHD. If the OP wants to talk to you about it, she can do so here, not in your email. To that effect, I have removed your email address.

On that note--it's extremely silly to post your email publicly on the internet. Are you TRYING to invite random people to email you regarding BDSM porn? I didn't think so.