Ask Me Help Desk - Should I leave?

I am very unhappy and have been for a while and whenever I think of the reason it all comes back to being married to somebody I don't love. I have tried so hard to make it work and to make an effort but it really is not going to. We have only been married for 2 years although we've been together for closer to 8 years. We have a 3 year old daughter and I am pregnant... We also live abroad. I think about it constantly and all of my unhappyness stems from the fact that we are not compatible. Would you leave? Now? Pregnant?

Sorry if this comes across as harsh... but it took you 8 years to figure out you don't love him?

Keep in mind living abroad can have its stresses if you can't embrace where you live for the time you spend there rather than counting the days until you leave.

I think you should get out of an unhappy marriage, and don't continue to live a lie. You are not being fair to him or yourself. As far as your children they can still have a mother and father, just not at the same time. If you don't do this, the resentment will grow and your kids will grow up in a loveless environment. And that is worse than you two separating.

I think you have a healthy child and don't make life changing decisions while you are pregnant. Have you talked to your husband about being unhappy?

If you have been so unhappy for a long time how are you still having sex? No you stay put, and see how you feel after you have talked, and after your child is born.

After 8 years together, what's a few more months for such a huge decision. I'm like Smoothy, after all this time you have just figured out you two are incompatible??

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you have a healthy child and don't make life changing decisions while you are pregnant. have you talked to your husband about being unhappy?

If you have been so unhappy for a long time how are you still having sex? No you stay put, and see how you feel after you have talked, and after your child is born.

After 8 years together, whats a few more months for such a huge decision. I'm like Smoothy, after all this time you have just figured out you two are incompatible????

I doubt if she was ever in love with her husband. And I think she has been through this before. They have a 3 year old daughter, and have been married 2 years. Kind of backwards. I think she married him at that time hoping she would be happy with someone she wasn't in love with. It didn't happen then and it won't happen now. And I think you know that this couple isn't the first, and won't be the last, to have sex without love. I think it's called "lust". I think she has made her decision, a decision she should have made 2 years ago. So she can do it now or wait till the baby is born, but it's going to happen sooner or later. I would do it now..

Quote:

Originally Posted by beachloverjohn

I doubt if she was ever in love with her husband. And I think she has been through this before. They have a 3 year old daughter, and have been married 2 years. Kind of backwards. I think she married him at that time hoping she would be happy with someone she wasn't in love with. It didn't happen then and it won't happen now. And I think you know that this couple isn't the first, and won't be the last, to have sex without love. I think it's called "lust". I think she has made her decision, a decision she should have made 2 years ago. So she can do it now or wait till the baby is born, but it;s going to happen sooner or later. I would do it now..

Problem is they have been together for 8 years... not just 3 or 2. THat means she has been with him for nearly 5 years before they had a kid... and 6 years before they got married.

SHe's overseas right now... likely hates where she lives and stews in that all day long... and is now directing her discontent at the husband.

She never said if He's military or civilian... and the first year overseas can be VERY rough before you get used to it.

That's true smoothy, but you know as well as I do that many couples stay together years when one or both are not in love, for fear of being alone, dependency, convenience, etc. Maybe she is not telling us all the details, such as another man. We don't know. But we do know is she doesn't love her husband and that's not a good place to be with a baby on the way. And if I was her husband, and I knew this I sure as hell wouldn't want to live with her anymore, at least in the same bedroom. She needs to talk to him about this now and let the chips fall where they may.

Quote:

Originally Posted by beachloverjohn

That's true smoothy, but you know as well as i do that many couples stay together years when one or both are not in love, for fear of being alone, dependency, convenience, etc. Maybe she is not telling us all the details, such as another man. We don't know. But we do know is she doesn't love her husband and that's not a good place to be with a baby on the way. And if I was her husband, and I knew this I sure as hell wouldn't want to live with her anymore, at least in the same bedroom. She needs to talk to him about this now and let the chips fall where they may.

I agree... but being she is overseas... I wonder how long she's been there, how much longer she will be there, and if its really not more about being in a new place where she has no friends yet and she's lashing out...

Trust me... I know what that first year overseas is like... and you do get really testy and unhappy. And in my case I was there by my OWN choice... not like I had no say in the matter which would have made it even worse.

I hope she answers back and lets us know if that's the case.

I agree with all three of you, and you three have made very valid points.

I have mixed feelings here. For one, I realize that being put in a situation as to where you are made to feel alone, (which in her case, being overseas), can put strain on the relationship. Absolutely I agree with that. She may be taking her frustrations out on her husband. Plus, she is pregnant, and we all know that pregnant women are very emotional. So that too has a lot to do with it.

Now, this is where I differ here. It could be that a series of things occurred through out their relationship that has caused them to stay together for so long.

We don't know for sure as to why. I think that people can have sex and not be in love. I also believe, for some reason, that perhaps most of this time, she was trying to make things work out. That she kept telling herself to stay with him and be in love with him.

Exp.
I was with my ex husband for 9 years, married for 4. We have a 3 and a 2 year old. I was in love with him at first. It wasn't until we got married and had our first child, that I realized, "hey, I'm not in love with him, and we have different goals and priorities." BUT, I stayed with him beacause of our little one. After that, I wasn't feeling it for him. So I wanted to bring this to his attention, when BOOM, I found out I was pregnant again. So I held off thinking that I will make this work. Finally, I threw in the towel.

So, you see, sometimes leangth of time, doesn't really matter. She could also feel/felt that if she leave, will she be a failure to her children, will she find another who she will love and who will love her, will she feel safe and secure, as he has with her husband. Will she financially be OK, etc...

Melanie, I think that you should ake out a note book, and write down the pros and the cons of your relationship. Reallyfind out what it is that makes you feel uncompatable with your husband. I would also suggest talking to him to see if anything can be changed. I think that he too is strssed out at the moment with all that is going on.

Communication is the key. Talk talk talk.

IF, after you speak to him and things don't work out, then yes, I think you should leave. After all, you all need to be happy. Your children will have parents who loves them very much. Don't stay with him for the sake of the children. In some cases, that can only make it worse FOR the children.

You need to be happy, not only for the sake of you, but for your children.

Thank you so much to everybody for your answers, they are really very much appreciated and I value everyone's opinion. I know, I know, I know how it looks and it is ridiculous when put like that - that I have been with him for 8 years, married for 2 and a 3 year old daughter. But I do have my reasons for this backwardness, even though I know it is wrong. We did split for a year but I got back together to give it once last chance and fell pregnant so continued to try. We have hardly had sex for years, again due to lots of reasons and both children were conceived by having sex once! Again, I know I should have used protection, but the first time I thought it was so unlikely and the second time I actually wanted it to happen so give my daughter a sibling and I am running out of time on the age front. I understand some of you will judge me on that and you are probably right to do so. I have tried to hard to make it work with my husband but it's not going to. I am scared to leave as I have nowhere to go and no money and can't work... I love living abroad and the place isn't the issue. I have made lots of friends - probably more than I have at home and I am still very close with my old friends too. It was my choice to come. It does make the relationship tougher, yes I agree, as I think the problems are excentuated (excuse my spelling) but the problems are real. I feel like I can't stand everything he does at the moment and I have so much resentment from the past. I do know that I am not in love with him. He is not a bad person, he is loyal, faithful and always there but we argue constantly and are so totally different. It doesn't make me happy being around him. I wake up most mornings and its' the first thing I think and this has been going on for years - (I know, I know) - I have just got myself into a deeper and deeper mess and it's all because I am insecure.

Oh and to answer your question, there isn't anybody else involved.

Never make a decision when you are in an emotional place as you are now with child.
Sit back ,enjoy the baby in you and put the less important thing behind you. God Bless You sweetheart!!