Hi! I am 25 & married. My husband was my 1st boyfriend. I have been w/him 9 years, married for 2.I am not attracted to him,don't think I ever was,but was raised Christian & we were expected to marry.I have always felt attracted to other girls,but always convinced myself it was jealousy,like if I found myself staring at another woman's breasts,it was because I wished my breast looked like hers.I cheated on my husband before we were married w/a good friend and her boyfriend because I wanted to know 4 sure that I was straight before we married.I hated it,& the threesome proved to me that I was not gay after all.I have never enjoyed sex with my husband,and always told myself I just am not a sexual person.However,I met a woman at work,& became infatuated with her.We spent a lot of time going for drinks after work,and recently,after too many drinks, I kissed her. We live in a small town & people were watching and I thought:OMG, what is wrong with me? I fled for the parking lot, she followed,& before I knew it we were all over each other. We made love,and I really enjoyed it.I panicked afterwards, of course,and haven't spoken to her since.I know what I did was wrong,and I know I betrayed my husbands trust,as well as hers, she doesent even know Im married! I thought I had this all figured out,but now I feel like I may be gay after all.I know the Christian thing to do would be to beg my husband for forgiveness,but a big part of me wants to leave him.These thoughts are going against everything I know about Christianity,& Im scared I may lose everyone Ive ever known, I have been taught that homosexuality is a sin, and they would never forgive me for what I have done. I am in desperate need of some advice, because I feel so ashamed and don't know how to deal with all of this.

Hello Nikki,

First of all, you believe that homosexuality is a sin? How about cheating on your husband?

You should do the right thing and tell your husband about the affair.

He deserves to know the truth.

Yes, you did get yourself in a web of lies here. I am sorry for you. More sorry for your husband of course.

You need to figure out if you do or don't want to be with your husband.

I empathize with your plight. I agree that it's such a difficult situation to be in and I think it's good that you're taking time out to figure it all out. Get to know yourself very well first before you take any action that is bound to change your life forever. There are several complicated and intertwined issues here: 1) your religion and your faith, 2) your marriage and your relationship with your husband, and 3) your sexuality.

1) your religion and your faith

You're a Christian and I have the impression that all you want to be is a good Christian but you seem conflicted with your feelings. I also surmise that you live in a very devout Christian community, which includes your family and friends. This can put tremendous pressure on you to act according to their expectations. However, it's obvious that these things seem to be not what you really want or always want, as you have often secretly acted contrary to these. Don't live life according to other people's expectations. Don't make decisions to please other people. Don't be a hypocrite. Have some integrity. Decide for yourself and be happy. Religion is not about what other people say, although sometimes it can feel that way. At the very least, religion is supposed to help you develop virtues and live a better life, because life is difficult and man is prone to sin. But a condition for religion to benefit you is devotion to the truth, no matter how terrible the truth may be.

2) your marriage and your relationship with your husband

Marriage is life-changing. I can't over emphasize how serious it is. It's not something that can be easily trifled with. It gets more complicated if there are children involved. It requires a lot of hard work and sacrifice to make it work. Marriage is not just about sweet romance and good sex. How committed are you to your marriage? How committed are you to your husband? These are some of the questions that you have to ask yourself. Get to know what is important to you.

3) your sexuality

I know feelings can be powerful and nothing probably beats the consummation of sexual desires with someone whom you are really attracted to. Your body reacts in ways that make you feel ecstatic! But man is not all about sex. You can feel orgasmic one minute, and then shameful and regretful the next. Are you ready to give up your family and your marriage for such experience? Which matter more to you? That is why it's important to know yourself well and make peace with that. Decide what you think is best and take full responsibility for your actions.

Ultimately, you only have one life to live. Make it matter and make it your own. You are responsible for your own happiness.

You can tell your husband everything you said here and say you are sorry about years of confusion, without groveling at his feet to take you back. You can get divorced and work out an understanding with him. It isn't one or the other.
You owe it to yourself, your husband, and the woman you ran away from to come to terms with your feelings.
Christianity exists because of Jesus. Jesus was actually a more forward thinking and progressive and open minded man than the Bible says, according to writings found about 60 years ago that were written much closer to when he lived. If religion is important to you, find a church that preaches tolerance and acceptance.

I do live in a very strict community,things like this just don't happen here.I don't want 2 lose my fam/friends,but if they knew about my feelings,the 3some,or this woman I would.I don't love my husband,but being shunned from my faith will be unbearable

Nikki, it's best not to respond with comments. Please use the "answer this question" box at the bottom of the page to give us more information.

Also--on the Adult Sexuality boards, text/chat speak is strictly forbidden. Please type out entire words rather than shortening them (like to instead of 2, or threesome instead of 3some).

I generally assume that people who cannot TYPE like adults are actually NOT adults, and delete their posts from the adult sexuality boards.

To synnen,
I am sorry, I am not familiar with the do's and dont's of internet message boards. I only abbreviated because I ran out of room and did not have the space to say what it was that I wanted to say. I appreciate your help, and will keep that in mind. Thanks!

One's sexual identity has nothing to do with religion, politics, or social expectations and/or norms.

If you are gay, you are gay. If you are bi, you are bi, if you are straight, you're straight.

You would not be the first woman (or man), married (or not), who faces this identity crisis in their lives.

My advice to you is, you need to figure this out, with good information, guidance and advice, with people who are skilled with issues of sexuality, sexual identity, and the changes that coming to terms, means.

Not all churches consider a member who happens to be gay, as less of a person, or less of a christian. It is possible to seek out other people of your faith, who are gay. If you Google, 'gay support groups for christians, there are over 2 million hits). You are most definitely not alone in this world trying to figure things out.

You could contact your local social services, and ask for a referral or information to check yourself, on local agencies (many are non profit) who offer support and counselling.

Many Universities are a good resource for counselling and literature on issues surrounding sexual identity.

If you do not inform yourself, talk to people who are, or have been in the same boat as you, or make a good effort in other words, to find out who you are, you are short changing yourself. This one life you have should not be lived as a lie, that to me, in my opinion, is tragic.

Whether you are straight, curious, bi, what have you, I urge you to get the assistance you need to help you resolve this issue once and for all. It has gone on too many years, and in my opinion, this has reached a point of no return. After your sexual encounter with another woman, it is clear you need to step outside your comfort level, and take charge of your own life. Sort out the conflicts, feelings, questions, and guilt.

I hope you do that, rather than remain confused and miserable for another 10 years of your life.

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I do live in a very strict community,things like this just don't happen here.I don't want 2 lose my fam/friends,but if they knew about my feelings,the 3some,or this woman I would.

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Hello n:

The answer is simple. Give up having a fulfilling sexual life, or give up your religious community. DOING it ain't simple, but those are your choices... They're just NOT compatible...

There ARE religious communities where you can BE who you ARE, but apparently, NOT the one you're involved with.

Excon

I think I know where you're coming from. I too live in a very religious community and was raised a Christian.

Excon phrased your issue truthfully and succinctly. But I understand that it's not as simple as it looks. There is no easy answer to your question. You are dealing with a personal crisis about your identity. You think that you may be a homosexual but you can't be, because it's against Christianity, which you value so dearly. Ultimately, it's really a choice between which one do you value more.

I know of two people who have gone through a similar crisis. Both had issues about homosexuality. One is a reluctant lesbian who has had homosexual relations before. But after some time, she decided to be a good Christian so she stopped being a lesbian, got married, and now has a kid. She even preaches about Christianity but has kept mum on being a lesbian or ex-lesbian. The other is an open lesbian who decided early on that she will live the lifestyle. She continues to pursue homosexual relations up to this day but not without her conscience kicking in every now and then. She knows it's a sin and she tries to compensate for it by doing other good works in the hope that she can argue her case before God.

Did they make the right choices? I don't really know. Are they happy? I also don't know but I'd like to think so. The point is that they both dealt with their issues and decided for themselves. It's something that you have to do as well.

You might want to read The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. It's a good, neutral book on spiritual growth. He has interesting discussions on love and religion that may help you.

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Originally Posted by jheep

Ultimately, it's really a choice between which one do you value more.

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You don't choose to be gay. You choose to follow religion.

Being gay isn't about the sex. Just as being heterosexual isn't about sex.

Up to the op if she wants to live a lonely miserable, unfulfilling, loveless life so she can got to heaven.. :rolleyes:

In response to kaka67 and to be more precise, it is homosexual behavior or the homosexual lifestyle that is considered a sin, not homosexual desires per se according to Christianity.