We are two colleagues ,mid-40s, both married. A lot of mutual attraction- I guess a physical spark. We recently traveled together for business- both spoke of our spouses on the trip- mostly business, a bit of personal discussion but not much. We arrived at our hotel and the owner suggested a restaurant 15 minutes away by foot. En route, he got upset and insisted we go somewhere else. He clearly was worried we were going to an "intimate" restaurant. He then made repeated exaggerated references to his wife, and practically ran to the hotel after dinner. I was pretty embarrassed. The next day, I found him staring at me, and again this obvious attraction on both sides. Did he think I was going to try to seduce him (no intention at all from my side!) or was he not trusting himself? Why such a reaction? (by the way, I travel frequently with male colleagues and never had this reaction... )

Sounds as if he was uncomfortable and did not want to be in a situation that he would have to explain his wife.

Just because your married does not mean your immune to being attracted to another person,HOWEVER, its what you do with that.

The best situation is to avoid the person, its only an attraction,its not the life you have build up with a spouse,its not love.

Perhaps he was aware of this and was uncomfortable,really he did the right thing.

I don't think he was not trusting himself,he was only being loyal to his wife,which is proper order.

Are you sure the attraction is on both sides and not just from you?

I'm just thinking,don't pursue this in thought,I'm not saying that you are,just let it go.

I am not sure about the previous answer. Why would this guy feel like he had to make such a big deal about having dinner with a colleague unless there was something going on between them. It is ridiculous to think that a male and female colleague can't have dinner together without one of them presuming that the other wanted something more. I don't know why a meal between colleagues would be seen as a violation against his wife to the point that he would switch restaurants. He must have had some idea in his head (or thought that she did) or else he wouldn't have felt the need to make such a big deal about it. I often travel and eat meals with male colleagues and never did any of them feel like they had to switch restaurants... I think we need a man to answer this question... anyone?

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Originally Posted by CarlaDowell

I am not sure about the previous answer. Why would this guy feel like he had to make such a big deal about having dinner with a colleague unless there was something going on between them. It is ridiculous to think that a male and female colleague can't have dinner together without one of them presuming that the other wanted something more. I don't know why a meal between colleagues would be seen as a violation against his wife to the point that he would switch restaurants. He must have had some idea in his head (or thought that she did) or else he wouldn't have felt the need to make such a big deal about it. I often travel and eat meals with male colleagues and never did any of them feel like they had to switch restaurants.... I think we need a man to answer this question... anyone??

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For me,if I thought a male colleague had feelings for me or fancied me I would not be comfortable having dinner with them,and I would most likely talk about my boyfriend to get the point across that I'm not available,or just spit it out and say I'm not interested.

Doesn't matter where the attraction was from, him or her. He was trying to avoid a situation he was uncomfortable with, and wasn't to smooth about it. He clearly didn't want to be in a position that something could happen, and he did what he had to.

Maybe he isn't use to being around colleagues that are female, but whatever his reasons, he felt a need to nip it in the bud. Maybe he was just afraid, and was unsure of himself. Maybe he was unsure of you, maybe he was afraid of what his wife would say, maybe he was worried about his job, Maybe it was his first time traveling with a female colleague on business, or maybe it was all of the above, what difference would it make?

Don't dwell on maybes, or what they could mean, it was just a freaky incident. He wasn't smooth, but he was effective.

Thanks very much for your inputs. I guess I got my feelings hurt a bit. I really was looking forward to a nice dinner out in a beautiful city and I found it presumptious that he thought it wasn't "safe" for us to be at a restaurant together. It makes it seem as if I was on the prowl (or was going to jump hiim!) which wasn't the case. In fact, I found his whole act rather insulting. It reminds me of the saying, "he protests too much." As he was going on and on, at one point, it didn't seem to be for my benefit any longer. The problem is that I have to work with him, and due to the nature of the work we do, it will be mostly me soliciting meetings, organising trips, etc. I am wondering whether I should have a frank conversation with him, or act as if nothing had ever happened.

I think your working relationship depends on clearing the air between you.

I respectfully disagree Tal.

I think it is really bad idea to have any talk to him about unrequitted feelings. You can only guess what he's thinking, despite feeling a spark, and his odd behaviour.

What he is really doing in my opinion, is protecting himself, from himself. What you could be picking up is not interest, but him being anxious in unfamiliar territory, personally.

Or, perhaps you have said, or implied, or flirted with him (even unintentionally), or he's misinterpreted something you've said, because he is unsure of himself, and nervous, about being in a beautiful city, having a nice dinner, with a woman he may or may not be attracted to. For all you know, his wife may have given him the third degree before he left home, and will interrogate him when he returns. He has gone off, after all, with a woman, on a business trip.

My advice to you, is to keep your contact with him, strictly business. On the road, or at home. Keep your life separate from him, and don't encourage him to talk about his.

I've been on business trips with male coleagues, and I would never have put myself in a position of needing to ask, as you have, "Does this colleague like me, or is he just sending a strong message",

Clearing the air would require you to ask him to answer that very question himself.

Hey I have been in a similar situation with a married male colleague at work. He never talks to me, can't ever look me in the eye at work, yet when we go away he always sits next to me. He always tries to get close but very subtly, e.g footsie, moving his thigh so it is touching mine and leaving it there for a few minutes, but subtly so it is like "is he doing that on purpose or what?". Most people always move their feet or legs straight out of the way if they knock someone on purpose, especially if it is someone of the opposite sex. Also, if he doesn't look me in the eye (which is usually if we are on our own), then in a crowd of people he will just gaze at me very seductively (Not sure if he knows he is doing it or not?). Once he was staring at me and trying to be near me all the time by making excuses to talk to my close colleagues, or laughing loudly so I can hear him and staring at me and looking away etc, then all of a sudden he has just stopped. He doesn't make any eye contact, stopped trying to find excuses to talk to my colleagues to be near me and doesn't speak to me at all. Just like that? Very very strange indeed, never met anyone like that before. Once I asked if he could put in a good word for me in a role at work and he wouldn't talk to me about it on our own. No-one else treats me like it, just him. Other guys who fancy me just flirt normally, but he is very strange! Perhaps he doesn';t like me at all in any way shape or form!