Hi
I need someone's help and advice over my jealousy/anxioty in my new relationship, I have just come out on a abusive violent and jealous relationship which lasted 4 years and vowed not to see another man for quite awhile anyway I unexpectedly got in another relationship it a wonderful man even though I tried not to we just clicked. Now a don't mean to put myself down but I just can't grasp why he is with me. I am no fool and I say it like it is but he is a very good looking single guy with no ties he has his own house and car and has been quite successful, I on the other hand have for children and usually cooking cleaning and taking care of the kids.
I have brung this up and he reasures me this is what he wants and has always wanted a stable family home. We get so well and he tells me he loves me and has never felt this way before, every is just so perfect apart from my issues. My biggest issue is my body its awful I have had children and got tuns of stretch marks which I just hate I will not undress in front of him or get naked in case he takes one look and heads for the hills, I hate having to be like this I have spoken to him about it and he says he loves etc etc my insecuritys felt abit better which until last night started to become a problem.

He has a job and as a side line after work he dose the odd shift as a doorman, when he first suggested it my heart sank but I dealt with it in my own head, and things are fine he calls me every break not because he has to because he wants to, anyway he now has said he has been asked to do another club where has beautiful women with bodys to dye for walk around in there knickers and bras to greet people it is a high class bar not a lap dancing club or any thing like that although this is just as much a problem for me as that would be, my heart sank I feel sick I just can't see a way forward I told him last night that I felt uncomtable and he said he wouldn't do it if it was a problem but a don't want to be like that any way we ended up having a big row and am pist off that I spoke to him about my feelins and he took the huff and wasn't very nice about it which got my back up and ended up in a bust up. Last night he rang and said he loves me and that every time he is away from me all he thinks about is getting back to be with me and I am all he thinks about and he is not interested about any one else around him because he loves me. Now even though he isn't a lier I still can't help feeling jealous and gutted of the fact he is going to be surrounded with this temptation inface its not even jealousy am feeling just a sense of... a don't even no just my heart feels heavy and I feel horrible with myself and its made me feel worthless can some one help me with this as its totally affecting me and a don't want this to ruin my relationship am I being unreasonable?

A guy should love you for who you are inside, not on the outside. I hate the fact that all we see are "perfect" images of women everywhere and we compare ourselves to them - it drives me nuts!

You've been in an abusive relationship for years that has left you with no self-esteem, so it's no wonder that you're feeling this way.

If you can't get beyond the self esteem and jealousy issues on your own, you need to see a counselor, because if you continue displaying jealousy and mistrust unjustly, it will eventually run him off.

Be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished in life - don't let that abusive ex continue dragging you down as the result of his comments and abuse.

I don't think you are ready for a relationship, intimately or otherwise, with another man, just yet.

You just got out of an abusive, violent long relationship, and you need time to find your cofidence and self esteem. When you are truly back on your feet again, you will feel a lot stronger about yourself in all ways, and far more assured that if a man gives you a compliment, you don't have to think whether you are deserving of it.

My advice to you, is to move slowly. He may be everything he says he is but you do not know him well enough to feel as comfortable as you should. At least that's my impression.

Keep a friendship going yes, but I would put the brakes on until you are really sure of yourself. And him.

Have to spread the rep Jake2008... I agree. Dasies, continue to see him, but take it very slowly.

Even with all of his professing of loving you, that you are perfect the way you are, etc. you still have trouble seeing it yourself and believing him. His words, while very nice and no doubt appreciated, are not enough to rebuild your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. That has to come from you and that takes time.

You mentioned there were things you did not like, physical attributes. What can you do to improve upon these? If you don't like the way your body looks, what can you do to change it? Do you eat well, watch your weight, exercise daily? If not, that might be something to start with. Perhaps speak to a dermatologist about the options available to take care of stretch marks. Sometimes, by taking care of your outward appearance you can in turn improve how you view yourself. Do it for yourself, to make yourself healthier and to feel better.

Do you have hobbies to do along with the caring for the kids and house or have you forgotten how to have fun? Think about the things you used to do. Is there anything new you would like to try? Don't let feeling silly stop you. Take a class in something that interests you, play tourist where you live, take up a sport, anything you can think of that will get you out of your comfort zone and into a new frame of mind. It may start as simple as a daily walk.

By working at making changes for and in yourself, you will develop a greater sense of well-being and self-confidence. Then you will be in a better position to have a healthy relationship.

I also agree with Devorameira... counseling may very well help you work through passed experiences that have impacted your sense of well-being.

Relax, you just need time. Time to heal from old ways, and memories, and habits. Time to rebuild from the inside out. Time to regain self esteem and confidence by loving yourself and being good to yourself. Its important to go slowly through the healing process, and it's a good sign recognizing the things you want to change.

Practice giving a lot of thought before you act, or speak, and being very honest with this guy about your feelings, but also show you are trying to accept, and change your own fears. That will take time so be patient with yourself. I highly recommend you build a life that you enjoy without him, with friends and activities that make you happy, and make you feel good about yourself. That gives you a balance so you can appreciate all parts of your life, and not need a guy to make you happy. That's your responsibility, not his.

As you learn to love, and appreciate who you are as a person, you will have no fear in facing difficult situations that life throws at all of us. I don't know how long you and this fellow have been involved, but I do know that moving to fast, and expecting too much will distract you from what should be your main focus, and that's YOU. Knowing someone very well is a process and not an event that we just jump into and think we have something. I doubt you are that ready to get really deep over time, and resist the quick fix because he gives you the right attention, and relieves the loneliness.

To have a healthy adult relationship, you both must be healthy, so go very slow through the healing process, and put it first before a relationship. Depending on it too much at this point will not get you to a place to know and trust this fellow at his word, because the past will not let you.

I suspect this is your first real relationship since you left the abusive one, and you have some very high hopes for happiness, which may magnify your fears even more. That's why you slow down, and put more on you and what you do for yourself, rather than fear losing what you have with this new guy. Once you have yourself under better control, you won't let your fear get you carried away, because you will have faith ad confidence in yourself, and him.

Starts with YOU though. You have to build a strong healthy relationship with yourself first.

You have such a low opinion of yourself, you really can't believe a guy like this could love you. So naturally you think the first chance he gets he will be unfaithful. From what you wrote, you are being so unfair to him, and to yourself. This guy sounds like he really cares for you and loves you, so stop putting yourself down. Start believing you deserve him, and to be happy. There really are some men in this world that look beneith the surface and see the inside beauty of a person. They want to be loved just like you do, and if you fulfill his needs then accept it. Don't worry about things before they happen. What he is doing is a job, no more no less. Allow yourself to be loved, and believe in your worthiness. The two of you seem to have a wonderful relationship, so allow it to grow. Allow yourself to be loved. A little love is like a drop of water giving enough strength to a wilted flower to righten itself.

I felt like you did. The self loathing at my body. Not feeling good enough. Hugely insecure about the way I looked. Comparing myself to the 'flawless beauties' in magazines and TV. Doing the 'sucking in the tummy in the mirror' and pulling faces in all directions wondering what itd be like to look like that.

Until a friend suggested something very simple to me. Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and night and tell yourself something out loud that you are specifically proud of. Could be something small and meaningless to anyone else but its not for them this is for you. It could be you like the shape of your eyebrows, a certain mole on your face, shape of your ears, the colour of your hair and tell yourself out loud that 'I love my mole', or 'I love the shape of my face' etc.. Work your way down your body once you 'love' a certain area.

You have to learn to love yourself. It took a good 6 months before I could stand in front of a mirror and say proudly that I loved my curves. I loved my mummy tummy and the silvery stretch marks that accompanied it. Because that was THE BEST accomplishment in my life.

I can walk anywhere, look anyone in the eye and demand the same respect as the next woman. If not more. The reason..

Because I can. And when you find that confidence in you... everything else will fall to the wayside.

Strut your stuff because you only have it once, use it well!

Thank you everyone for all your advice,I didn't think after I wrote this that any comment would make me feel any better but it has I feel really positive about things which is a great start to my Monday morning, all your advice has really helped me and given me a different outlook on the whole thing, every comment has some great advice and really made me feel enpowered to do something about it, a do need ME time and my own life and space instead of thinking that the world revolves around men and what they think. So I am going to just slow this whole relationship down while I concentrate on getting myself out there and find me for a change.

Thank you so much guys its much appreciated

Thank you for your advice I will give this ago and am glad you found your confidence I hope this works for me thanks again

Thank you for this advice its hit the nail on the head and I intend to do something about it thank you

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Originally Posted by dasies

thankyou every1 for all your advice,i didnt think after i wrote this that any comment would make me feel any better but it has i feel really positive about things which is a great start to my monday morning, all your advice has really helped me and given me a diffrent outlook on the whole thing, every comment has some great advice and really made me feel enpowered to do something about it, a do need ME time and my own life and space instead of thinkin that the world revolves around men and what they think. so i am going to just slow this whole relationship down while i concentrate on getin myself out there and find me for a change.

thankyou so much guys its much appreciated

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Well done! Know also that you are not alone. Many, many women find that they have to work towards this as well. We get caught up in what we think we should look like, be like, whatever, that we allow too much of our own self-worth to be determined by what we feel others might think of us and we forget the wonderfulness of who we are.

It takes time to retrain how your mind thinks... but the affirmations and learning to appreciate yourself as the others have suggested, and taking control of those things that you can make changes in, are a great place to start!