Ask Me Help Desk - Been with my girlfriend for 5 years. How do I know if she's "the one?"

Obviously the title is a bit naïve - "if I don't know after 5 years, it clearly isn't in the cards."

Yet somehow, I continue to hold the belief that I am unique, and the advice of countless random dating websites doesn't quite apply to me. So I figured I'd lay out my issue and see what people think.

I've had maybe 3-4 relationships in high school, with 1 of them being somewhat serious (it lasted 3 months). When I got to college I met my current girlfriend, and have been with her ever since. She's my first (and only) lover, and the only girl I've been with for a significant amount of time. We've been inseparable for 5 years now, and both 24. Now, to make sure I'm not misunderstood, I LOVE this girl. She's got literally everything I need in life. She's smart as hell, attractive, bouncy and talkative. We share the same interests, have similar ambitions in life, do everything together. My dream location (where I would want to settle down) is her dream location. I enjoy playing video games, and she enjoys sitting on the couch next to me and watching/designing on her computer. It's perfect on paper and in practice. I have no issues whatsoever...

... except for the fact that for some reason, I can't bring myself to propose to her. By doing so, I feel like I'm setting my life down a fixed path. Sure, it's a fixed path with her in it - and I'm perfectly fine with that. It's the idea of a lifetime commitment that's holding me back, and it's causing some issues. We've talked about it a few times, then let it go and resumed our happy lives. She adores me and repeatedly says that I am the single most important thing in her life, which tells me she's clearly ready to start down that path. We've talked about the (hypothetical) idea of marriage several times, and neither of us actually wants to be married at this point, but she wants something to the effect of a promise - just a little gesture to show I fully intend to stay with her and follow down that path eventually.

So why I can't I give it to her? I'm held back by my overly analytical brain (I'm an engineer) telling me it's simply not a good idea to marry your first serious girlfriend. There are no other women in the picture, so that's not an influence. It just FEELS wrong at this point in time.

I feel like something needs to happen before I can fully commit to the idea of marrying her, and I'm not sure what it is. We've talked about trying a break, which is basically impossible at this point because we live together, and I'm not sure how much that would help anyway since I'm pretty terrible when it comes to picking up women. I may be taking a temporary job assignment across the country in the next 9 months or so, so there's the possibility of trying the break then.

So what's wrong with me? One of my closest friends just got married to his girlfriend of 6 months, another with his girlfriend of a year. It's been 5 years for me, and I'm still not there. I have no intention of leaving her, nor she of me, but clearly something needs to happen. Perhaps I should just "grow up a little"? Wait until I finally "get it"? And would the idea of a break be helpful?

Thanks for any insight...

Do you think maybe you feel like if you do propose to her your going to be missing out on other things/experiences/women? That's what it sort of seems like to me. And while breaks do give you room and time to think they can also tear you apart and make you even more indecisive on what path you want to take.

You are not ready until you are ready. It can take 6 months, a year, or 10. If you feel like you will "miss out", then don't do it. You would ruin all you have by forcing yourself.

If she is fine with the way things are, why would you force it anyway?
You two seem to get along really well, but if you think you need a break up to see "what is out there" then go for it. Just remember, you might lose her forever.

Your friends got married, good for them. People get married (and they divorce) every day. My advice is, wait until you feel ready (and make a girl happy!)

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neither of us actually wants to be married at this point, but she wants something to the effect of a promise - just a little gesture to show I fully intend to stay with her and follow down that path eventually.

Get her an engagement ring! That's what she wants, while you are dithering with your feelings Mr. Engineer Guy. That's a promise to your intentions she can show the world, even if you haven't, or don't set a date to do the deed. Do it before she starts having second thoughts about your intentions.

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Been with my girlfriend for 5 years. How do I know if she's "the one?"

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Obviously the title is a bit naïve - "if I don't know after 5 years, it clearly isn't in the cards."

You are afraid to take a risk, and after 5 years, your fear will screw you in the end unless you overcome it, even though you have a very patient partner, and a lot of good potential. What you want a guarantee she is the one?? No such thing as a guarantee, but believe me Mr. Engineer Guy, you don't reap the rewards until the project is completed. What's the point of starting something if you aren't going to finish it? Think about it.

New - I think the jitters that you have at the prospect of marrying your girlfriend are normal. Marriage is scary to people for lots of reasons but I think you have indicated what some of your fears are.

First, you mentioned that marriage is a lifetime commitment and it is. I think that your apprehension is actually good because it shows that you take commitment seriously... you understand the weight of what that means and you are taken aback by it. Maybe you fear that you won't have what it takes to make good on your promise 20 years from now and that makes you afraid. Maybe you have other scenarios running through your mind of what could happen in your future that scare you. Only you know what those are, if any. But I'll tell you that if you have unforeseen scenarios in mind, don't act on those because they are neither here nor there.

Second, when you consider the idea of marrying your first serious girlfriend, you balk at that idea. Well, look at it from this angle if you will. If you were to start over with another girl, the investment of time you have to make in order to bring that hypothetical relationship up to par with where you and your current girlfriend are at is substantial... another 2-3 years at a minimum and maybe more... so now you'd be closer to 30 then. I can tell you that once you get older (I'm closing in on 35), the prospects of meeting someone new get slimmer... in high school or college you are in situations that allow you to meet potential partners much more so than in a full-time job working with the same people all day... why else are online dating sites so popular? And as difficult as it is to meet people, it is even more difficult to meet people that actually share your interests, values, and goals. Finding someone who values what you value, likes what you like, etc. is so incredibly priceless and something that you ought to not throw away. I don't personally believe in soul-mates for a couple of reasons but if you do, I just ask you to talk with people who've been married a long time and ask them if their marriage has been a piece of cake. If soul-mates genuinely exist, why is it that even people who are happily married talk about struggles and challenges in their marriage they've had to go through in order for their marriage to be what it is? Something to think about.

Marriage is a journey in a lot of ways…you try to map the terrain, carry all of the necessary equipment, have a plan, and plunge ahead without really knowing what will happen in the end. It's the unknown that makes marriage scary, I suppose…but so much of our lives are like that. I can't help myself but remember Forrest Gump: “Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get.”

I'll leave you with these last thoughts on marriage:

1) Don't get married to be happy because nobody is responsible for your happiness and you will grow to resent your spouse if she does not make you happy. You are responsible for your own emotional well-being.

2) Marriage is an opportunity to serve another human being in a profoundly unique way…you don't get to have all that you want from a relationship, you get to practice love and commitment to a person that enhances her life…and I think you'll be pleased to learn that by doing so, your needs are met.

3) Marriage is effort, it does not run on its own…it will flourish with attention and love or it will die and wilt away from neglect…don't let anyone tell you different.

I hope this helps somewhat. All the best, my friend.

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Originally Posted by New_To_This

I feel like something needs to happen before I can fully commit to the idea of marrying her, and I'm not sure what it is.

Everyone has given you great advice. I just have a question for you to think about.

If she wasn't in your life tomorrow, how would you feel? So many things can happen to take those we love away and we shouldn't allow fear to become regret.

Lifetime commitments can be wonderfully long or sadly brief.

I heard a quote yesterday which I thought was pretty interesting and might apply here. Paraphrased, it was: "Instead of looking for the perfect partner, be the perfect partner." You can always wonder if there might be someone else "better" out there, but sometimes you just have to take the plunge and have faith. This girl sounds like she has so much going for her. The biggest problem with the fact you haven't dated more is that you don't realize how rare a find she is.

I think you just aren't ready to marry, but it sounds like you don't have a problem committing. You've been together 5 years, live together, and are "perfectly fine" with having her in your life - that's a lot of commitment at age 24. I think you might consider having a discussion with her about both of your expectations. You say neither of you is ready to marry. If she is willing to have a long (3 years, maybe) engagement, are you more likely to feel comfortable with that?

Much of this has to do with your ages. I'm basing this on my own experience and that of my friends, but at 24 girls are ready to think about marriage. Guys on the other hand are not ready, often until their later 20's. They want to know they can take care of a wife and family, and that means concentrating on their careers and building financial stability. At 24, you are just getting started on that. You two have so much in common, particularly similar goals, that I suggest you think long and hard before trying a break.

You don't break up to resolve your issues, you go fishing, and leave the cell phones at home, to give yourself a chance to think on your own, without outside influences.

I'll make it simple: if after 5 years you still don't know, she is NOT the one, or you won't be even contemplating letting her go.

There are maybe different reasons for it, all are very interesting to you, your friends, you family or highly paid specialist, but to answer your question - if she'd be the one, you wouldn't have any doubts. Especially after 5 years, come one.

Do this girl a favor, and break up with her. She deserves to be with a guy that doesn't procrastinate for five years. And you save yourself for that perfect 10 of a woman. The answer is simple, S____ or get off the pot...

Saying you aren't sure because she's the first is a bit odd to me - sort of like what you'd say to a real estate agent after seeing only one house.
Very dry and analytical. I suppose that can be OK for some since for thousands of years marriages had nothing to do with emotion, and many are still 'dryly' arranged to this day based on family, career, religion, income.
I like the question above about how you would feel if she left tomorrow. It shows that there's two sides to every story, and how do you know she won't? Relationships aren't all about what YOU decide to do, despite her seeming to be passive about it.
You just never know when you will come home and her bags are packed.
I suppose then you can make lists and calculate probabilities that you can get her back.

Believe your heart, don't force yourself to do thing that you are not ready for. You never know what might happen. Marriage takes 2, if she is the one for you and you are for her. Let her wait or if she can't then she could find someone else . If you are the one she wants to spend the rest of herlife with then how long she waits.. does not matter at all. You are not ready so don't... I agree with the idea of the break.