I also have a MOH problem- She is my cousin and we have been close to each other forever. I asked her to be my MOH and she was excited and honored, and that she would love to help. Our reception is a theme, and requires a lot of work unfortunately every time I bring up that I need help, or that I want her to do something, she keeps talking like what I just said didn't even happen. I don't understand why she never has any time. SHe is also very involved with her boyfriend like the whole world revolves around him and what he is doing, or what she is doing for him or with him. He is more like an infant, no one can believe that he is in his late 20's. We have been engaged for five months, we will be married in 8 months. My other her three brideasmaids do what they can but are 1-in a city three hours away and is hardly able to get home. 2-is fighting an illness, and 3- lives in another state. I feel bad for my fiancée because I get him doing most of the DIY projects that I really should be getting help from my MOH with. She was the most reasonable choice from the others at first, she didn't know what to do at first so I helped her out and gave her files, and checklists, and ideas. But she 'lost' them and her computer isn't working now. I hardly get time to see her and if I do it's for a quick pop in 15mins max. I don't know what to do either demote her ? Get someone else? Or even what to say or how?if anyone has any sort of advice please let me know. Please somebody help me, I am so stressed and confused.

What is she supposed to be doing?

My mother is lives alone working full time six days a week, time with her is rare. My father has passed away five years ago, we are not having a basic reception so it does require more work, the MOH is suppose to do what she is asked without stress

Jesse - the problem is that you don't understand the role of the attendants in your wedding. They are not servants or wedding planners and the job shouldn't involve computers or files! In fact, it's not a JOB, it's an honor. She's ignoring you because she doesn't want to offend you, but also isn't working for you.

The role of your attendants is to gush over your lovely wedding, show up in the dresses you select and act delighted whether they like them or not, and that's it. They may choose to host a shower but it's not an obligation. They may choose to host a bachelorett party, but again - not required and shouldn't be expected. And they should, as your friends, patiently hear about all your excitement about your wedding.

You are being inappropriate assuming this young lady should change her priorities to cater to your wedding dreams though. You are putting your relationship above hers, which is fine for your life, but not for hers! Perhaps she likes taking care of her boyfriend, and it makes her feel special and needed. That's her call in any event -

Your comment that the maid of honor is supposed to "do what she's asked without stress" is really self-serving and over the top bridezilla of you. The "maid" part is not literal - she's not your maid. The part you are forgetting is that it's meant to be an "honor". If you view this as a job, hire someone and pay them.

I have been a MOH, and I have been a bridesmaid, many times, and in my opinion, they are very distinct roles.

The MOH accepts the role, and along with that role, are expectations. Weddings are a lot of work, and much of it happens long before the wedding day.

As you've said, it is a theme wedding, and there is a lot of prep work. She went into this with her eyes wide open, and you were upfront with what kind of wedding you were planning.

She may have thought that she could step up and do the role of essentially your assistant, helper, etc. which is what I have always known that title (and responsibility) by, but, has realized that she is not very good at it, doesn't have the time she thought she'd have, prefers to do other things instead, doesn't take it as seriously etc. etc. etc.

But you do have to count on people to do more that enjoy the wedding, when it is clear that there are tasks that you expect of her, that she is aware of, and that both of you have agreed to.

Others may not expect anything of their MOH, but as I said, my experience is the MOH is very much involved, otherwise she'd be just another bridesmaid, or a guest.

My advice to you is be candit an upfront with her. Let her know you are worried about getting things done, and you aren't sure she wants to help, as much as you want her to help. Give her an option of stepping down, and asking one of the bridesmaids to take her place. A friend shouldn't take offense to this, in fact, it may be a relief.

But, with a timetable, and things that need done by certain dates, it is far too important an event to leave things to chance, or expect things to be done, and then find they aren't. You don't need to be scrambling at the last minute because she forgot to do something.

My advice- just talk to her. If she's not up to the task, you need to know sooner, rather than later. There are a lot of good sites. Just Google 'role of maid of honour traditional wedding'. There are over a million hits, but here is one to give you an idea:

http://www.bridesmaid101.com/maid_of_honor_duties.html


Good luck.

Some people may feel that the MOH role is partially an administrative/assistant role to the bride, but nobody I know feels that way. I'd be careful. My friends and I all had huge weddings, and none of us expected each other to do a thing other than show up and smile. Work on the weddings was done within the families because the families were hosting.

I don't think your friends owe it to you to write your invitations, maintain your spreadsheets, move you into your apartment, loan you their truck, watch your dog, babysit your child or otherwise do things that are your responsibility. If they offer, fine, but expecting these things will be very hard on your relationships.

If it's too much work, don't do it.

I have been in a lot of weddings and have attended a lot of weddings and in my case and MOH is suppose to assist the bride with things for the wedding. As dontknownuthin states that the MOH isn't there to be your maid she's not. She is there to help you with the wedding process such as helping choose the food that will be served the dinner or the cake design and flavors. She may also help you with getting your invitations ready or decorate for the reception. Of course they arent' there to move you into your new apartment, loan you their truck, watch your dog, or babysit your kids no one said anything about that stuff. An MOH is there to help you through the process of planning a wedding. All the weddings that I have been in or been too the families helped with the planning to an extent but they weren't really expected to do anything with it, that was mainly the MOH. I would just ask her to help you out with things but don't expect her to do everything you guys should be doing it together and that will make it more enjoyable for both of you. Just ask her to tag along when you have food tastings, when you are trying different cakes, or looking at places to have the wedding and reception, and I'm sure she'd be more than willing to help you. Good luck and hope everything works out and I'm sure your wedding will be everything you expected and more.

I guess my issue is that the original poster has not come back to tell us the more exact things she expected.

If she wanted her to make 200 drawings of mules with red roses. Or to help make 10,000 paper flowers ? Or was she to help call catering companies, help write vows.

I do "alot" of weddings, at least one a week, sometimes up to 3 a week. And over 1/4 are theme weddings, from BBQ, to Western to Vegas ( or cheap hooker in my opinion on some).

The MOH normally runs the day, makes sure the music is set up ( but does not do it, manages it) She has called the set up crew and made sure all seats set up. And so on.
The Best Man normally pays me ( of course couple is paying but they give him the money to give to me prior to service)
It is also fairly custom for Best Man or MOH to also give me a tip,

But I guess it depends on if she wants the MOH to be the wedding planner, the ground crew and the creator of all of the decorations.

I can see several meetings going over plans, making sure that things are ordered, that things are reserved.

I do not ask a lot of her and she is part of my family. I am just asking her to help me with a few things like favors or to help me decide on colors and what have you, I just invite her over really and she doesn't seem all that interested.

Perhaps you misunderstood, she is a family member I have only asked her to spend time with me looking at things, helping decide. I only sent her files because she never has time to come over, and she wanted to be kept informed.

She expected to do no decorating just being there for me. I would like help with the favors and I sent her files so she can keep up to date as she asked. As for the decorating I have gotten most of that worked out by now. From the being I didn't want a shower or batchelorette party, she wanted to do it after I said to her no that is fine. But she insisted, so I just let her go ahead with , but then she came up with some really wild ideas, and expensive ideas that no one could afford. Then she found a cottage on an off weekend that we could rent, all she had to do was go look at it, but she didn't and missed the booking date, she just got me all excited for a let down, I'm over it now. Then she kept on asking me what she should do for a shower, like everyday and asked a friend of ours as well. So again I researched some ideas put them together in a file, and gave her some links and some starting points, the rest was up to her because I thinks it's kind of conceded to take it upon yourself to plan your own shower and party. Those are the files she as lost, a long with all the wedding folders I set her with flowers, décor, dresses, etc. I really don't think I am being a bridezilla perhaps my words didn't not come out right. I just love my friend and wish she would get involved the way she used to. I do not wish to hurt her feeling or to stress her out or overwhelm her. I just want her opinion, a little bit of her time, or at least be a god enough friend to say you know I think somebody else would be better for this role, it wasn't what I thought, and just don't have the time for it, so honesty I guess, I was honest with her about those things I listed above as her expectations, and of course being beside me on my wedding day. So if asking for support and helping making decisions is being a bridezilla I guess I am guilty perhaps I should seek some professional before it gets so out of control that I start asking for a shoulder to cry on as well.

It could be sure feels rejected,

She wanted the party, you said no, then she tried to plan one and it was too costly so someone had to tell her no.

She may just not want to give any more ideas or help any more since everything she thought about was being shot down.

I just did not think that 200 to 300 dollars a person to go to a batchelorette party is a reasonable thing to ask of people who don't have that kind of money.

Is it possible she may be feeling a tiny bit of jealousy seeing all the pretty bride stuff and it isn't for her? Maybe she is let down you're the one in the spot light first.

I think that role depends on the people involved and your individual expectations. I expected nothing from my maid of honor and I got even less. I have been a maid of honor and I did what was asked of me. When it came time to offer my help I never offered or took charge in areas that I couldn't pull through. Simple as that. I have been only a bridesmaid and did more work and showed my face more then the entire wedding party. Your dealing with a blend of personalities. Some will shine and others will wither in the back. I think you just do the best you can do with the people your dealing with. Its hard enough these people accept being part of your wedding knowing the cost it will be to them, sometimes going that extra step isn't so obvious.