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I have been with this wonderful man for 1 year and he s just everything I have ever hoped for. He is 19 years old. He has a stable job as a veterinary technician. We will both be starting school in October. My parents just don't want to like him. They make every excuse to get me to leave him. Is it that they just don't want to let me go?
Because while technically you are an adult... they see things you don't because they have something you don't. The benefit of life eperience. YOu will understand what this is in due time.
You can't MAKE someone like anyone...
Okay, I'll bite.
Why don't your parents like this young man?
Just for the record, although we were married when we were 18, neither my Lady or I think it was a wise move.
We should have waited until we were older.
Also, if you are "Independent" and "Engaged" why do you need your parents support?
They probably see him as an obstacle to your getting through school and being successful, and happy, and think that you will start a family before you finish college, or worse never finish. Very real fears for parents with kids your age.
I don't blame them, nor should you, because maybe all you see is how happy you are now, but to them, an engagement to any guy after a year, is a real threat to their hopes, and dreams they have had for you since you were a baby.
When you have your own children you will understand. You will be freaked out when your own little girl comes to you with starry eyes and announces her engagement to some young squirrelly looking young kid after a year of dating, and you have been working hard for 18 freakin' years to steer her to college and a better life than you had, then you will get it.
But you're an adult, its your life, and have yet to be tested by reality enough to know happiness is a fleeting thing, that you work so very hard to maintain.
Parents often see their grown ( OK at 18 one can debate how grown kids really are, I am a parent of 4 grown kids)
Often they had goals and dreams for you, and often being in "love" can change or ruin them , at least in their eyes.
They may see you pregnant with 3 kids and never finishing school, working at a min wage job while your boyfriend may or may not have stayed around,
Your parents know the odds are stacked against you in the idea of marrying young and not having had a chance to spread your wings, finish college, establish yourself in a career, travel, etc.. People change quite a bit through their 20's. Some couples grow together, others grow apart.
Can it work out well, certainly, but try to see if from your parents' point of view as has been suggested.
They love you dearly and don't want to see you risk not fulfilling your dreams, reaching your full potential, and possibly getting hurt along the way.
As donf asked, do they have reason not to like him?
Maybe if you and your fiancé sat down with them and discussed it. Assure them that you are both finishing school and that you will also set yourself in a career or good paying job. Maybe agree to wait to marry until a specific time frame... after you have completed college for example... or at least the first two years of college. This would also allow you and your fiancé to have a chance to get to know each other more, more time for your parents to get to know him, see how each other handles pressure of work and school, have more time to put money aside, etc..
Show your parents that you have given thought to how you would support yourselves... by checking out cost for rent, electricity, gas, car payment, car insurance, phone, cell phone, cable, health insurance, emergency savings, food, entertainment, eating out, etc.. Have you done that yet? Do the two of you know what costs will really be like? Keep in mind as well that someplaces won't even rent to you unless you are 21 or older.
I can only speak from personal experience and what I tell my own daughters... be very sure that you are able to support yourself well on your own. If you have a great job or career going while married, you will be able to help put yourselves farther ahead and have more financial security. If you ever find yourself on your own, you will be able to stand on your own two feet and not worry about how you are going to support yourself.
While no one expects their marriage will not last, about half do not... and this is even higher when you marry very young. Either through divorce or death of a husband, many women find themselves on their own at some point and having to provide not only for themselves but sometimes for children as well. You won't be able to do the job of taking care of yourself and children how you would like to be able to with a low paying job.
I went back to school later so that I could have a career. It was more difficult and costly, and I would be much farther ahead financially if I had finished all of that before I was married.
Hoping for the best, but planning for the worst really does ring true, especially for women.
Well my mom has always been old fashioned so my mom never lets me out! And it was OK until just recently when I announced we were engaged. That's when they went like crazy mode. Although I see the concerns my parents have in me starting a family before I finish school, I will be taking evry precaution to make sure that doesn't happen and I know sometimes it slips but I am very serious about waiting to have kids. Even though technicaly I can get married whether my parents like it or not, I want my parents to be there for me. And I'm 100 percent sure me and this guy are good for ach other bcause I have put god first in my life and I believe he was sent from god.
But whether he stays is another matter. Look be practical, they are afraid no matter what you believe.
We all feel the way you do when we are fresh in love, that's human, but we soon learn it takes a lot more than just love to be together forever. I won't question your beliefs, but neither of you has passed any of the tests yet to come, and then you will find out if he is the one, if your smart NOW.
After you have experienced a few things, then maybe you will understand that as long as you live with your parents, you are hardly independent. Don't be the one to learn your lessons the hard way, because you listened to just your heart, and not your head, or used your ears to listen to the voices of experience. They may know something that you don't, but need to know, before you make decisions based on feelings with no facts.
What's the all fired hurry to have kids, and a family?? If its as you say, God putting him in your life, then why push for more at this time. Just relax, enjoy, work hard, and do this right. And there are no guarantees with anything as far as birth control, and babies are a life changing responsibility, and it doesn't matter if your serious or not about waiting. That's a fact.
Sorry, you sound like a virgin who is ready to be an experienced woman. Not to be harsh, but you are still a young lady with much, much to learn about life and BS!! So you can do this the hard way, or the right way, your choice as an adult.
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.
100% agree .. could of done with that talk many moons ago!
Well I don't live with my parents anymore. I moved out and have been independent so far. I understand and realize that the road is not always going to be smooth but I also understand that there are many things that can be worked out. I have thought over and over and over and I'm just so sure that I want to be with him! I know that the so called "odds" are against me but honestly, is marriage that bad? Or is it that so many young couples have ended their marriage? I am thinking about my future but first and foremost I'm thinking about myself and I want to get married. I know marriage isn't something you can just jump into and hope things will work out. I know it is a struggle and there are many obstacles to overcome but it can be done. I have a lot of patience and he has a lot of patience. I know that I want to be a paramedic. That's 2 years of school for me. And he wants to be either a teacher or a veterinarian. I'm going to finish school and he is too. I don't want to make it sound like I'm getting getting defensive but I have put myself to think out side of the box
How are you living independently? Are you independent from your parents but still depending on someone else to support you?
Consider holding off marriage until you both are finished with school... or at the very least just about finished.
You will have that time to get to know each other even more, spend time with your family and his so that you will be more likely to have your parents' blessings, (what do his parents have to say about it?), you won't have the stress of schooling to contend with along with being newly married (which while wonderful is still stressful much of the time), you will have less chance of an unplanned pregnancy happening right when you are trying to focus on school, you will be able to have more money set aside to start you new life together, you will have more time to see how the other person handles stress, illness, their finances, arguments, disappointments, etc.. These things with either bring you closer together still, or you will discover some red flags that you hadn't seen before.
Couples end their marriages for a variety of reasons and certainly no on goes into it expecting it will happen to them. The additional trial for young couples is that many people go through some changes in their 20's as they are still learning more about themselves and getting more established. Since not everyone will have this occur at the same time, it can be very challenging for young couples who find they are moving at a different pace from each other.
It is just about impossible for you to understand this where you are now... too bad we can't have some of the life experiences we get once we are older to use when we are younger!
Look at it this way... consider at least what so many older people, who have been where you are now, felt those same feelings, and have gone through those changes, are saying. They are all saying pretty much the same thing, right? There is a very good reason for that.
Sit back and read this again... really read it. What is the big rush to get married? Don't think he will be around in 4 years if you don't snag him now? If you both have half that patience you say you have... you will wait say 4 years until you have both finished school and get real jobs. IF he is worth marrying... he will still be there 4 years from now... you will know each other much better and you will have both finished your educations by then.Quote:
Originally Posted by chikabonita_117
At 18 nobody really knows what they want for the rest of their life. I don't know a single person who's dreams and plans for life when they were 18 are still the same at 28... much less 38.
Chickabonita,
As I stated earlier, 18 is to young to get married.
Now, that said, I can tell you what it was like for me when I married at 18.
After the "Wedded bliss" wore off, we realized that life was now different. We lived in a world that did not cater to 18 yr. olds.
We could not sign contracts. We could not rent an apartment. If we were to stay in a Motel (new idea at the time) or Hotel, we had to show our marriage license.
The Catholic Church, considered us living in sin because we were married civilly (we eloped). My mother wanted an annulment of the marriage, her parents insisted on a divorce. And the list went on and on ad nausea.
It took us almost four years to actually learn how to live with each other. Fortunately for us, our son did not make an appearance until we were in our forth year.
Looking backwards, some of the first years were miserable. But, I am looking back over a forty-six year history.
Marrying at eighteen can work, it did for us. I had found a gem of a Lady and that's why its lasted this long.
My Lady has a very well defined sense of right and wrong. She is extremley principled. I know (at least by now) what the Lady will tolerate and what she will not.
Lying is an absolute no, no. It took her almost 30 yrs. To completely break me of the habit. Infidelity equals instant autopsy, no exceptions or excuses.
However, laughter, particularly with each other is a blessing we both have been given. Along with a delight to be with each other, which has deepened through the years.
I could go on and on with reasons we stayed together, but you really need to find those reasons for yourselves. Trust me, it will not be an easy road to travel but for us it has been a wonderful road, most times.
And just guessing, but I do not believe the start up years of a marriage will be any different if you wait two or three years to get married.
What will be different is your ability to cope with the trials of married life. Two years of life will sculpt you into a moderately different person. The business world that you are preparing to enter will treat you much kinder at 20, with experience than it will at 18.
If I had my life to do over, I would most likely get married to my wife at 18 again. She's been that good for me and to me.
Smoothy,
Very interesting response. Very thought provoking!
Interestingly enough... I know two people that dated exclusively for 40 years before they got married... yeah, 40 years its not a typo. They never dated anyone else during that time.Quote:
Originally Posted by donf
If you don't want to wait 4 years, what about waiting to get married until you are done with yours. You stated that your schooling will only take 2years. That way there is just one less thing to have to worry about. It gives you time to get settled in a job of your profession. It also gives you plenty of time to see if maybe your parent won't come around. Besides your not planning on getting married tomorrow are you? You will need time to save some money and to plans in order for this wedding. If you don't take the time, how are you going to be able to afford school for 2 people,wedding, rings,honeymoon,and the rest of everyday expenses.
In this day and time, due to economics, most couples take the time to have a plan for their future, and they do that because their love for one another is that strong.
Why can't you just have fun learning more about each other, as you go to school, and just date, and have fun? Why can't you just enjoy your newfound freedom, and opportunities before taking on a lot of responsibility?
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