Hi,

I have been with a guy for the last two and half years. Our marriage got fixed recently and all our friends and relatives know about it. We were in a live in a relationship and were facing so many issues. We are from two different cultures and our mother tongue is different. He is very caring and loving, but when he gets angry he shouts at me and abuses me. Some times his anger has reached that extent where he has even hit me. Even I get stir up so fast and I shout back at him. He prefers veg dishes where in I eat non-veg. I love surprises, love to talk a lot and want that the other person should listen to me. I enjoy discussing the trivial things also that happen in our day to day life. He is not like that. I am very expressive and he is not. I love surprises let it be my birthday/valentine's day or whatever and I give surprises to him, but he does not. He is very responsible and wants that I should clean our rooms and house everyday, which I do not do most of the times as I would be busy doing something else or may be chatting with friends back home after office. These behaviors of mine triggers his anger and he shouts at me. I get irritated and we end up fighting. But still, after all the fights we do miss each other and would want to make things fine. At the end of the day, I know he has so much of love and care for me. He takes care of me like a kid, he cooks for me and is bothered about me all the time.

We were preparing for our marriage but some where these things came up to our mind and made us think whether we would be able to stay happy in future. Some times when we fight, he says am not the kind of a girl he is looking for and he can't be happy with me. Even I say the same things. Still as we were loving each other so much we went ahead with the marriage plan. But for some reason we had to postpone our marriage.

Lately I met one guy and got close to him. I found a good friend in him, who was very much like me and we shared similar likes and dislikes. I started talking and chatting with him. My boyfriend understood that something is going wrong some where and asked me to stop talking to him. But I could not do that, though we never crossed any limits. We were such good friends. My boyfriend had issues and he started fighting with me. This new friend of mine started liking me and he told me that he sees a life partner in me. Me being very honest told this to my boyfriend also mentioned that some where I am also liking him. He could not accept the fact and he told me that we won't get married to each other not only because of this guy, but also because of the umpteen other problems that we face. Some where we (me and my boyfriend) both started missing each other though things were not fine between between both of us. For many days we stayed together but were fighting every day about this new guy's entry into my life. Things became worse and he said he cannot come back to my life because I cheated him.


Some where I was missing him so badly that I wanted to make things fine with him, but he was so adamant that he does not want me back in his life. We both used to cry day in and day out. In the mean while I used to discuss things with my new friend, which worsened things further. Finally we both (me and my boyfriend) went back to our homes for some vacation. When ever we talk he asks me if I talk to that guy and I say yes. I told him, we would talk and sort things out and if you assure me that you would marry me I will stop talking to him. He says I should have realized that myself and would have avoided that guy rather than waiting for him to tell the same. I told him my mind got slipped some day just because that new person is some one whom I think meets my expectations and whose company I enjoy a lot and who makes me laugh a lot. My boyfriend told me that If I would have stopped talking to him, may we both could have made things fine (not sure though). But how would I know that. He just told me that he does not want me in his life and this made me get closer to my new friend. But again he expected me to not talk to my friend so that he would come back, which I did not do. I continue talking to this friend just because I am not sure about my future with my boyfriend and I feel I would lose this new guy. But I do not want to lose my boyfriend either. And I have gone mad.

Now I am confused. I do not know what to do. That friend of mine sees a life partner in me. And some how I am getting attracted to him. But deep in my heart I love my boyfriend and miss those times that we spent together. But I am not sure if we have a happy future ahead. I do not know what to do at this point of time. I am so sad and not able to concentrate, not able to be happy, not able to laugh with an open heart. I know my boyfriend is dying every moment I know he is missing me a lot I know he loves me now but he is in a position where he cannot love me again as the trust is lost. Please help me overcome this.

If you can think of your fiance- just your fiancé and spend the rest of your life with him marry him . Remember that if you do so you you cannot continue to have feelings for your new friend. You cannot travel in 2 boats .you have to choose one and stick to it.
Are you really comfortable with him? Can you both do the chores together and still keep the time to chat? You might also have your relations to consider.
If you seriously consider your new friend to be your choice, then you might want to involve someone you look up to in your family and talk to them and decide

Hi,

Thank you for your advice.

That is what I am confused about. I do not know which is right and which is wrong. We both spoke to our parents and they understand we have some issues in between. But not able to decide anything.

I know my boyfriend's heart says to be with me but his brain says not to be.

Regards

You need to make a hard choice here, but you need to make it and stick by it and stop going back and forth. Do you want to possibly spend rest of your life with a man who has so little respect for you that he would actually hit you. You can wake up and know that this is going to be another day of you both showing your never ending love by fighting and arguing again. Do you really want to bring a child into this vital situation. Are you done getting punished for not cleaning the house well enough for him. Are you grown up enough that you can start cooking your own meals and start taking care of yourself.
Its never easy to leave someone we think loves us and we love them. However we have to be mature enough to know what is good for us and want isn't. You already know there are men out there will appreciate you for what you have to offer even down to the small talk that you like to do.
Good luck on your choice.

Hi,

Thank you for the advice.

I know ultimately I have to take the decision. But I am not able to, just because he is blaming me and saying that I have cheated on him. I cannot be happy when he is sad.

Regards

Then I guess you live with whatever happens.

Its not unusual for two people who are not compatible should lose each other and be confused about letting go just because of the attachments that have been made through your just being with each other.

But the last thing you need is to go from one guy to another without a proper grieving/mourning/healing period or else you will always be unsure of yourself, and questioning your decision whenever you get a issue or bump in the road in the new relationship. It would clearly be a rebound for you, and very tempting indeed to follow the feelings of a broken heart and think your moving to a better place for yourself.

The new guy looks great on paper, while you are confused and miserable, but no doubt, so did your boyfriend, and look at all the time and efforts you put in with him, and darn near marrying him.

Decide if he is an ex, or not, by cutting all contact with him, just so you can figure out for yourself if he is what you want, and if not, at least the emotional dust can settle on this break up (yes break up) and you can heal from it. That may take some time and a lot of it, but whatever you do take that time for yourself, and more importantly, don't be fooled or pressured into anything, with anyone at this time, no matter what they say they want from you, or will do for you in the future. Get real here as how does a guy know he wants you as a wife after just talking to you for a while. Getting to know if he is real or not, takes time, as it did with your ex, to know if he is compatible or not, whether his words match his actions, and whether he is for real, or just wants a female to say he has one.

You never know a guys real motives until you check it out and get facts, and that's best done before you commit your heart to a stranger, or you end up broken hearted yet again, and waste a lot of time with nothing to show for it. And worse wondering what happened, and what to do about it.

I strongly recommend leaving the ex alone and cutting all contact with him, if you can just stay friends with the new guy, until you have healed, before you jump into something that looks, and feels good, but won't bring you true happiness. It's a big red flag to even need a guy to define you, and take care of you, for you to feel happy with yourself.

What's the hurry anyway, to be someone else's woman on their terms any way?? Is this cultural thinking, or have you no other options than being someone's wife??

Agree. No point in rushing .Regarding cultural thinking- yes in certain societies, saying no to a wedding after relations and all have been informed is too difficult. They should be informed and involved properly. Good relations are always supportive