Ask Me Help Desk - How to get my breath back after finding out my ex has met someone

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I also still love my ex boyfriend! I just can't forget him. We were together for 2years, we had our ups and downs especially for him eyeing up other women, which he said was all in my head. I did suspect him cheating but never had any prove! He did ask me to marry him but I wasn't sure as I felt he was manipulating me as he shouted at me while out at a bar and then poped the question with no ring. I said no but not a complete no ,because I loved him and wanted to wait a bit longer. Anyway a few months later, due to his nationality he had to go back to his country! He broke it off and some of his family influenced him to stay away from me even though they never met me?he told me he was confused by what his family had said etc.. that bad things would happen if he saw me, and wouldn't reason with me and stayed illegal for 1yr before going back to his country. During this time, he was on sights looking and talking to girls! I saw him on line everyday till the early hours of the morning. That really sickened me, what was wrong with me why couldn't it have worked out? Then I would have married him eventually. I wasn't the nationality of the country we were in so it was complicated to get married but we could have gone back to my country but at this stage he was illegal and probably would have been refused. He did love me as told someone I know. But had no choice and couldn't stay with no job, no money etc.. I was hurt that he didn't offer me to go with him, in the beginning he would say, lets go to my country it's a good life etc.. But he really wanted to stay here.
I miss him a lot, I have tried to move on in activities and had a new boyfriend who took off without any explanation, so broken hearted again but while I was with him I still preferred my ex. Don't ask me why its just a special guy to me. Something I had never experienced with any other guy.The physical side was good too. Since he has sent me a few emails and says hi on msn! Now I'm alone and think to myself maybe I should have married him back then. Maybe I was being to harsh and imagining things?I can't find the same feelings I had for him with another guy I've tried but it keeps going back to him... I was thinking of going to visit him in his country to see what its like there and how his life is? And maybe get it out of my system!Has anyone got any sugestions, or opinions? THANKS

Suggest you stop obsessing about something you can't change. The past.

If he wanted you he would have said so. Let it go and focus on the future.

Its understandable you miss him and the good times you had, but you have to balance that with reality, and that reality is he had to go home, and get his act together.

Has he stayed in touch with you in some way? If your answer is no, why do you think that is. Its highly probable that he was enjoying the moment and has moved to other things, in which case those longings to get back together are not realistic, just as the yearning to go find him is not realistic.

Enjoy your memories, but be practical, and live your own life.

You have to stalk the hell out of this guy he deserves it. Go to him and ask for a straight answer

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its understandable you miss him and the good times you had, but you have to balance that with reality, and that reality is he had to go home, and get his act together.

Has he stayed in touch with you in some way? If your answer is no, why do you think that is. Its highly probable that he was enjoying the moment and has moved to other things, in which case those longings to get back together are not realistic, just as the yearning to go find him is not realistic.

Enjoy your memories, but be practical, and live your own life.

Hello!
Thank you very much for replying, Yes he has contacted me by e-mail, and on the msn, but said nothing about getting back together:(
Its difficult because where he's living there isin't many jobs and very low paid, but he is working now. Even if I went there with him chances are I'd be at home or maybe teaching english! Also he is from a different culture but he is not religious, but does the ramadan every year! I have no problem with that! Do you think two different cultures can stay together long term? I open to all cultures.. Going back to reality I can't accept the separation it hurts too much I've tried and tried to move on, I move on but I think of him a lot! And sometimes I can't think straight! I wish he could come back. Why is love so complicated? Other guys just haven't got what he has.. that something that brought a smile to my face each time I saw him, and a feeling of happiness! To find that again I don't think so!! Was thinking of calling him, would love to hear his voice again, its been 6months.

People heal at different times. Six months seems like a long time to you, but it does get better. If you read some of the stories on here (highly advisable), you will read so many stories of people struggling for many months. The common thread is that typically they do heal and they then realize it was all for the best. You had doubts about him - trust your gut.

I was crazy about a guy I dated for 18 months, but I also knew it wasn't going to work in the long run. It was difficult to break it off but I also knew it was necessary. I was so obsessed with him. It's been 4 years now and I still think about him, but more with fond memories now. I would say it took me a year to stop questioning whether I did the right thing and to stop thinking about getting back together with him. Fortunately I was wise enough not to play games with him. I just kept thinking about it, processing information, and always coming back to the conclusion I did the right thing.

Love can feel complicated, but in my experience it isn't when you find the right man at the right time. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by popdaddy121

you have to stalk the hell out of this guy he deserves it. go to him and ask for a straight answer

A straight answer to what?
Stalking someone is childish and criminal.

Move on with your life, he has. It hurts. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

I don't want to be cruel, but that's how I feel.

This guy is not showing any signs that he wants you back. You need to contnue to try and move on, however dating someone else thinking that will help is not right. You don't use someone as a rebound, especially if they don't know they are a rebound.
It will get easier with time.

You have to accept the separation.
You need to seek some counseling to help you deal with this.

He is only one man! There are so many more out there. He left and went back to his country, that would tell me something and it didn't include you. I don't mean to be harsh, but I think he just wants to remain friends. You said, you suspected him cheating, and I would be darn if I would go to another country to hunt down this man. You deserve better! Try to stay focused on you and keep positive. We learn so many things from our relationship. Good luck.

Well If He Really Loved You He Wouldn't Of Left You & Been Confused About If He Should Stay With You Or Noo; Obviously He Wasn't To Confused If He Didn't Come Back; Don't Blamee Yourself For Any Of This; It Was His Choice To Leave You; & Dating Other People Right Now Is Out Of The Question You Need To Just Hang Out With Friends & Family For A Couple Months; Forget Him & Other Guys For Awhilee;

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

People heal at different times. Six months seems like a long time to you, but it does get better. If you read some of the stories on here (highly advisable), you will read so many stories of people struggling for many months. The common thread is that typically they do heal and they then realize it was all for the best. You had doubts about him - trust your gut.

I was crazy about a guy I dated for 18 months, but I also knew it wasn't going to work in the long run. It was difficult to break it off but I also knew it was necessary. I was so obsessed with him. It's been 4 years now and I still think about him, but more with fond memories now. I would say it took me a year to stop questioning whether I did the right thing and to stop thinking about getting back together with him. Fortunately I was wise enough not to play games with him. I just kept thinking about it, processing information, and always coming back to the conclusion I did the right thing.

Love can feel complicated, but in my experience it isn't when you find the right man at the right time. Good luck.

Thanks for advice and sharing your ewperience! It has been six months since I last talked to him but over a year that it has been off. We saw each other a couple of times but he was never OK because of his situation. I have been getting conselling but I still have this obsession always checking when he's on Facebook etc.. Its driving me to insanity! Its like a drug!!
I've never felt this kind of love for anyone and I've had my fair share of boyfriends.. Staying single alone is getting me down too and I don't know whether I want to stay in this country or move to an english speaking country. I know I must get things in to perspective maybe later down the line it wouldn't have worked but then again why think about it! I suppose I had a few doubts but who doesn't these days not a lot of people are sincere!You just have to take the risk because now without him I'm not much better off! I think he thought I didn't want to marry him! So that's why got turned off? Now he can never leave his country because he was illegal when he left this country and the police were looking for him! So he's banned!
If you still think about your ex guy after 4yrs, do you ever have regrets of not staying with him. Are you completely over him? I sometimes feel guilty for maybe the way I reacted when were going out and not so chilled about his situation.. He said he needs a woman to be there for him! AS if I wasn't there I was! But when I found out how risky it is to lodge someone who has no papers and the police were looking for him I freaked out little!with everyone I know saying its risky you can go to prison... after a few days, I said it was OK, but it was too late for him. This is a long story with a lot of detail but I'm trying to narrow it down. It doesn't stop from loving him no matter what. Is it right to follow your head or your heart?

I think you need to follow your head and your heart. They are equally important. I don't think a relationship can be healthy unless you follow both.

I mentioned I was obsessed with him. He used to make me CD's of his favorite music. I played them all the time, hours a day, while we were together. During the year after we broke up, I still played them often. They brought me to tears, wondering if I'd done the right thing and missing him. I finally had to put them away and just will myself not to listen. We used to write each other stories and he would write me poems. He was so talented. Like the CD's I would read them over and over, even after we broke up - until one day I decided it had to stop and I deleted them, plus all our e-mails. He joined MySpace after we broke up and would write blogs, and I would read them. One day he wrote about the love of his life (me) - it was beautiful, and again I had to will myself not to read the blogs again. The biggest mistake I made with him was to try and keep him in my life as a friend. Finally a year ago, he begged me to come back. I couldn't, and he finally told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. It was the healthiest step we took. He was so in my head when we were together that until we stopped talking it was hard to get him out. In the last year, we talked once - to say Merry Christmas. It was nice, but we both knew that was it.

I don't know how old you are, but I was 22-24 when we were together. He was 30-32. We were at different stages in our life. He wanted so badly to get married and have children. I was in a Masters Program and working on my career. He had feelings of insecurity because I was already making more money than he was and with my MBA I would be making quite a bit more. He was also insecure thinking he wasn't good enough for me. He trusted me completely but he always feared someone better would come along. He had what he'd refer to as black moods. It was very difficult for him, and therefore for me. Because of all these reasons and more, my head told me we shouldn't continue our relationship. Like you, I had never felt so deeply for anyone, but then I was only 22 when we met. I didn't know at that time what all was out there.

I think I gradually was getting over him during the second year after breaking up. I am completely over him now, though I still care for him and wish him the best. I am engaged now to someone who is so right for me. I have no hesitations about getting married at all. Part of it is timing – I'm 28 now and well established in my career. We are so alike, with the same values, goals, and interests. He's a very confident man, and he is proud of my accomplishments. It's easy to be with him and easy to love him.

So, I would suggest you think about the following:
1. Continue your counseling.
2. Put away or throw away anything that reminds you of him.
3. Will yourself to stay away from his Facebook.
4. Figure out what you want to do – move to a different country, get some more schooling, or follow a certain career path? Maybe none of those things – but what do you want?
5. Keep active. I'm very busy between work, exercise, a social life, and volunteering with teens and young women who are at risk for violence.
6. Volunteering is a great way to broaden your horizons. Do you have any interest in that?
7. You need to spend time figuring out what you want in a relationship. That was what helped me a lot. Think about that rather than thinking about him. When you start thinking about him, change your thoughts. Eventually, it becomes a habit. Eventually you stop thinking about him except on rare occasion.

I'm sure there are many more suggestions, but this is so long already. I wanted to give you a thorough answer. I know how you feel, but it will get better. I do believe in the long run you will realize that he wasn't the right one for you.

Please read "just lookings" advice and read the other advice. It will help you so much. God Bless

This was not a healthy or safe relationship and you seem to have an obsession going on.
Take the time to heal. This was not the right relationship for you.

I don't think this is so much about the ex, but what your coping with in your own life. People who are building a life that they enjoy, seldom dwell on the past. But let something not be right in other areas of our life, here comes thoughts of an ex to haunt us, especially since you have started a bad habit of checking his social network sites.

Nothing could be worse for your state of mind, than keeping his ghost alive in your mind. Deal with the life you're living, not the one you have lived.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Looking

I think you need to follow your head and your heart. They are equally important. I don't think a relationship can be healthy unless you follow both.

I mentioned I was obsessed with him. He used to make me CD's of his favorite music. I played them all the time, hours a day, while we were together. During the year after we broke up, I still played them often. They brought me to tears, wondering if I'd done the right thing and missing him. I finally had to put them away and just will myself not to listen. We used to write each other stories and he would write me poems. He was so talented. Like the CD's I would read them over and over, even after we broke up - until one day I decided it had to stop and I deleted them, plus all our e-mails. He joined MySpace after we broke up and would write blogs, and I would read them. One day he wrote about the love of his life (me) - it was beautiful, and again I had to will myself not to read the blogs again. The biggest mistake I made with him was to try and keep him in my life as a friend. Finally a year ago, he begged me to come back. I couldn't, and he finally told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. It was the healthiest step we took. He was so in my head when we were together that until we stopped talking it was hard to get him out. In the last year, we talked once - to say Merry Christmas. It was nice, but we both knew that was it.

I don't know how old you are, but I was 22-24 when we were together. He was 30-32. We were at different stages in our life. He wanted so badly to get married and have children. I was in a Masters Program and working on my career. He had feelings of insecurity because I was already making more money than he was and with my MBA I would be making quite a bit more. He was also insecure thinking he wasn't good enough for me. He trusted me completely but he always feared someone better would come along. He had what he'd refer to as black moods. It was very difficult for him, and therefore for me. Because of all these reasons and more, my head told me we shouldn’t continue our relationship. Like you, I had never felt so deeply for anyone, but then I was only 22 when we met. I didn’t know at that time what all was out there.

I think I gradually was getting over him during the second year after breaking up. I am completely over him now, though I still care for him and wish him the best. I am engaged now to someone who is so right for me. I have no hesitations about getting married at all. Part of it is timing – I’m 28 now and well established in my career. We are so alike, with the same values, goals, and interests. He's a very confident man, and he is proud of my accomplishments. It’s easy to be with him and easy to love him.

So, I would suggest you think about the following:
1. Continue your counseling.
2. Put away or throw away anything that reminds you of him.
3. Will yourself to stay away from his Facebook.
4. Figure out what you want to do – move to a different country, get some more schooling, or follow a certain career path? Maybe none of those things – but what do you want?
5. Keep active. I’m very busy between work, exercise, a social life, and volunteering with teens and young women who are at risk for violence.
6. Volunteering is a great way to broaden your horizons. Do you have any interest in that?
7. You need to spend time figuring out what you want in a relationship. That was what helped me a lot. Think about that rather than thinking about him. When you start thinking about him, change your thoughts. Eventually, it becomes a habit. Eventually you stop thinking about him except on rare occasion.

I’m sure there are many more suggestions, but this is so long already. I wanted to give you a thorough answer. I know how you feel, but it will get better. I do believe in the long run you will realize that he wasn’t the right one for you.

Hello again!
Thank you very much for you kindness and advise:)
I think you were very strong in sticking to your guns even though you loved him but you somehow felt he wasn't the one for life. You were also at a point where you were discovering who you were and life itself. As the guy had already experienced a lot and knew what he wanted. You must have felt torn! Listening to the songs that would have broken my heart, I can't listen to any of our songs, I try to avoid emotionel stuff. I'm so happy for you that you got through it and found someone now at the right time and feel at ease and peace with your choice. It is hard to begin with because its so easy to get reeled in. I think that's how my ex felt he wanted to give in to but I think his head was saying no for different things. He did let down the curtins a couple of times but then went back to his original decision, which broke my heart every time. Logically there wasn't much of a future for us no job, different culture, family pressure.. but if two people love each other they find a way that's the way I see it even if there were obstacles. But he wasn't the same guy I knew anymore he became angry and shut me off! The kind loving guy was gone. Who would blame him we all make mistakes, and he wasn't left with a lot of choice but to go back to his country. He might have thought that I wouldn't have fit in to his country, as I'm an independent girl...
I'm at a low point in my life, career wise, where I want to live my life, iF I want to be with an english speaking person? And who I am? I came to this country in my teens as there was language barrier, I didn't do well in my studdies along with the culture shock, divorce of my parents and their separate ways and lack of stabilty. So I was kind of between boring crappy jobs or short contracts, I was put down a lot by this, I lost confidence in who I was. I went out with a guy who turned out to be a mental case. It took me a year 11/2 to get rid of him after 3yrs with him. So that damaged my health and got health problems along with that. I began to loose who I was really meant to be and withdrew myself from reality instead of making drastic changes at the right time. I was numb. Its was very difficult to find a decent job, I tried to repass my exams several times but failed by a couple of points. But after work experience in that field, I realised it wasn't what I wanted to do anyway. And going back to my country I didn't see the point I wanted to succeed here before and felt I didn't really have any base to go back to. I had another few relationships but they didn't work out. Sometimes I would have anger issues and because of what I became pretty much nothing. I guess this was a turn off for them. So I decided to move to a bigger city and started a new life with a stable job and sharing an appartement with a girl until I found a place of my own. It was good, and then after 5months I met my ex who I fell madly in love with! He was a very charming and we just hit it off.There was a bit of an age difference he was 23 and I was 28, but he was very mature for his age and preferred mature women. He had a lot of charisma and we enjoyed eachothers company. So our story began it was good as all relationships are in the beginning if only they could stay that way all the time !lol! He found a good job. He could only work 6months a year until he changed his statut. He didn't want to be a student anymore he passed his exams but preferred to not go any further. It was a mistake because the longer you are student the more chance you have of staying. Apart from that some hicups did arise.. Over the two yrs he disappeared maybe twice, he was at a friends in depression because he couldn't work anymore that year. In the end he went back to his country with his family for a few months to find the strength to get back on his feet to rebegin another year and look for a job again. He kept in touch I missed him a lot and then he came back as he still had his student visa and really wanted to stay here. I gave him the support looking for a job and he found one which they later wanted to hire him permanantley. During this time he started to get confidence and very sure of himself He went out to a nightclub with his friends and the next day he got a text from girl saying I was so drunk etc.. how are you today? I know I shouldn't have but I didn't know where he had been the night before and he was sleeping all day long. It turned out to be a girl from his country just a friend who was there with other friends. Anyway after that, I later found a text from another girl, who he said was his friends mother! Lol!! I found out not long ago, on Facebook it was a barmaid he had asked her for her number and to be friends on Facebook. I will never know what happened there,. he also didn't do any chores or make dinner, so I was annoyed and angry by this, he started to get distant.
Sorry to cut off here I will continue with the rest of the story as soon as I can...
Thanks again!

Sounds like this guy leaving you may be best.
Get yourself together. Get your confidence rebuilt, work on yourself esteem. Do you for awhile, don't obsess over him, it will get better.

Build yourself esteem. Find the person you want to be. There is aa big wonderful world out there and you have a lot of wonderful things to look forward too.